2017 goals

I'm setting goals instead of resolutions this year. It seems more realistic. If I mess up one day, the next day will come and I can try again. This isn't an all or nothing situation, it's about progress and becoming a better person, as supposed to being a better person over night. 

Academic goals

1. Straight As
2. Apply for graduate school
3. Complete thesis

Lifestyle goals

1. Go to the gym 5x a week
2. Keep consistent sleep schedule
3. Drink at most once per month
4. Keep room clean

Eating related goals

1. Quit purging
2. Lose 10lbs
3. Maintain new weight
4. Eat consistently
5. Quit purging

Other goals

1. Perform slam poetry at an open mic
2. Get involved in volunteering over the summer
3. Visit family more

Bring it on 2017

Last year's resolutions

These were last year's resolutions:

Health:

• Reduce binging and purging to once a week
• Did not achieve this goal but my binging and purging has reduced a lot since last year, so I am proud of my progress, and look forward to achieving this goal in 2017.
• Journal and continue addiction treatment
• Due to hallucinations, my treatment took a a turn and the focus was taken off of addiction work. Again, I hope that with my new meds I am able to go back to journaling and addiction treatment
• Go to group every week
• My group got cancelled but I managed to find other groups and went almost every week. Definite success with this resolution
• No overdoses
• Oops. 

Personal: 

• Don't let mental illness ruin my relationship
• SUCCESS
• Pay back my debts, or at least don't get into more debt
• SUCCESS

Education: 

• Get straight A+ in courses
• lol.... it was one of the worst years for me academically
•  Get a good summer job
• Unfortunately due to the bad academic standing this past year I was not able to get a good summer job, and ended up at a dead end job that worsened my mental health
• Present my research at the Canadian Undergraduate Mathematical Conference
• Did not have the time to get ready for this event, or have the money to go. But I did go to a two week intensive math summer school which I went to instead of this conference
• Write my GRE
• I'll be writing one in February 2017, and one in April 2017

Best of 2016

2016 has been a shit year for many, including myself. But great writing tends to emerge during difficult times. Here are what I consider to be my top 15 pieces from 2016.

15. reflections from the hospital


14. Days Weeks Months Years


13. Why they need to get rid of atypical anorexia


12. To the girl who thinks she's smarter than this


11. #eatittobeatit


10. This one's for the girl


9. My depression is ugly


8. Faking perfection


7. Thinspo: video (no images, don't worry)


6. How to help a suicidal friend


5. Orthorexia


4. 7 things I want you to know as you're staring into the toilet bowl


3. A week with borderline personality disorder


2. Counting down (link to buy my poetry book, one of my greatest accomplishments so far)


1. Cat pictures (because my cat is the best thing that has happened to me this year)

Vacation

I'm on vacation with the boyfriend for a few days. I feel so old being able to take a trip with my boyfriend. Just being free to do whatever we'd like. What we like to do is math, so our trip may not seem the most exciting to outsiders, but we're having the time of our lives.

It's so nice to be out of our home environments. We're going to go for a long walk by the water today and I'm very excited. I'm trying not to care about what I'm eating - I'm on vacation and deserve to relax - but it's never as easy as it sounds. At least this long walk will burn some calories and put to rest some of my destructive thoughts.

I have a few new poems coming out in the new year, they're just in the final editing stage.

Hope your all having lovely holidays.

To the crisis workers

Christmas Eve ended up being incredibly tough for me.

After plugging away and getting through the day I started feeling incredibly sad that I was going to be alone on Christmas. Incredibly sad that I was too sick to go home. Just, incredibly sad.

Around two I checked the bus schedule to see if I could get up north to see my dad. It was too late.

I started drinking at 4. By six I was sad and drunk - not a good combination for me.

I didn't want to do it, but I took sleeping pills, too many sleeping pills. I called our crisis line and they sent down an ambulance and a few police officers who specialize in mental health.

I got in and out very quickly.

I don't remember much. I remember asking the paramedic why so many people were there. I remember telling someone I didn't want to see psych. I remember drinking an orange ensure (which tasted like a creamscicle).

I don't remember sending the incoherent messages to my boyfriend. I don't remember getting to and from the hospital. I don't remember taking a picture of my IV and posting it on instagram.

The scary thing, is that slip up is making it so much more tempting to go back and OD again. But I know I can't do that. I need to surround myself with love and support. I can't let this depression win.


So, to the crisis workers that worked Christmas Eve, thank you for keeping me safe.

Keeping busy

I find one of the most difficult things about the holidays is keeping myself busy. If I don't the thoughts just wander every which way, and that's when I get into trouble.

So I made a plan. A plan of what I'm going to do today.

I'm starting off by going to the gym, then I'll pick up my books and notebooks for next term, pick up some litter, book a doctors appointment and head back home.
After a shower, I'm going to head to the hospital to see a friend, and pick up his keys and go check on his cat.
This busy morning will end with a big bowl of cookies and creme oats loaded with fruit.
This afternoon I plan to make a Greek couscous salad, and start working on my first few assignments for the new term, as well as on my thesis.
Then it's time to knit, drink and watch Gilmore Girls all evening.

With borderline I get very impulsive. Not only do the dark thoughts roll in, but I start thinking about binging and purging, or spending all my money on things I don't need. My plan helps me. I have things to do, places to go and people to see. Getting outside helps fight the seasonal affective disorder, and being busy stops the impulsive and dark thoughts from getting in.

To those of you who still have exams, good luck!

Suicide jokes

I've headed up north to spend some time at my boyfriend's place for the holidays. I went to a big family gathering last night, and it was tough.

One of the first things that was said to me was a joke about slitting my wrists.

I'm quite guilty when it comes to making jokes about mental health. But I always do it when only with a receptive audience. My best friend and I will kid about our mental health a lot, because we both suffer from very similar mental illnesses and dark humor is one of our favorite coping strategies. I'd never make jokes to others though. You don't know what others are going through. And because of that, you should never make jokes unless you know it's okay with that person.

Winter wonderland

The weather here is absolutely terrific. Just below freezing and snowy. The packet wet snow that makes fantastic snowmen. I usually hate winter. But so far it hasn't been to cold or windy and I'm trying my best to be positive about the season. Seasonal affective disorder got nothing on me.

My exams are finally over. I only had two but it felt like a thousand. I'm quite anxious to see my grades but I'm also trying to accept the fact that there isn't anything I can do at this point. I can look back and learn from the mistakes I've made this term but I can't change what happened.

I'm off to do a little holiday celebrating with my boyfriend and his family. To be honest, I'm quite anxious. I don't know what food will be like, and I don't know how I'll handle it. I'm worried about what they think of me - they all know I was in hospital, but I don't know how much they know or what they think about that.

I binged and purged this morning. I've almost given up on food. I'm going to try to get my act together tomorrow though. There's a party that I'm going to tonight and I don't know how well I'll cope, but tomorrow will be a new day. I'll be settled in at my boyfriend's place and I'll be able to find something that works for me. Tomorrow is Monday. Mondays are good days to start fresh.

Now that exams are over, I'll be back updating you on my life and sharing my poetry, groceries and food journals almost daily.

Good luck to all of you as we enter this holiday season.

Exhaustion

I'm so tired. I've been sleeping countless hours every night, popping caffeine pills, drinking gallons of coffee and tea. Not only that, but I'm ridiculously irritable while I'm awake.

My psychiatrist upped my anti depressants in case this is a symptom of my depression. But it doesn't feel like it. I've never really had symptoms like these due to my depression.

I'm going to be sent to a sleep lab if this continuous into the new year. It definitely feels like there's something physically wrong with me.

I'm really frustrated that my symptoms are being pushed aside because of my depression. It's as if they don't think I can be physically sick, they can just push my symptoms aside and blame it on my depression.

I just wish there was a better short term solution. I have exams coming up in five days. I don't have time to be sleeping forever. I need to study. I feel completely worn out. I only have to make it through 8 more days though. I can do this.

Update

It's been two weeks since I lasted blogged and my life has been pretty crazy since then. Exam season is upon us and it's a busy and stressful time.

My recovery has been going alright. I don't know if I can continue with it though. I'm very tempted to fall back into the welcoming arms of bulimia. I feel safe there. Out of control at times, but safe. There's some sort of regularity with my life when I'm in the bulimia cycle. And I can ignore feelings and stress while binging and purging. I've made a restriction plan for tomorrow. I know restriction will lead to a binge purge cycle but it's all I want. I need that false sense of control and distraction during exams and to get through this holiday season.

I'm not going home for the holidays. This was a tough, but ultimately the right, decision to make. Going home is always bad for me, and it is just better to avoid that situation. It does mean that I'm going to be alone on Christmas though. I'm thinking that I'll go to the movies, treat myself to a nice dinner out, put on a cute outfit, make a gingerbread house, and most likely get drunk to numb out the feelings. I want to do my best to have a positive day though. I might even make myself a stocking. I could buy myself little treats throughout the month and sew myself a stocking, and open it Christmas morning. Maybe I'll do that. Throw in some self care things, teas and stationary into a stocking, it would make me happy Christmas morning. My parents will be coming up to visit me, which will be nice because we'll be on my turf. I can set some ground rules so that things don't get too bad.

I'm starting to feel the effects of seasonal depression. I feel sluggish, and have some suicidal ideations. I'm just so lonely. I don't want to be alone on Christmas but I don't feel like I have any other options. I can't sit through a Christmas dinner. I just can't. I wish I was healthy enough to have a Christmas with my family. I am safe though. I'm determined to not end up in the psych ER this holiday season like I have the past three years.

Today was the last day of classes but I didn't go. I couldn't get myself to wake up for an 8:30 lecture. I've been having troubles with my sleep lately. I have been sleeping close to 16hrs a day, with 8-10 cups of coffee. My psychiatrist says it's depression, but I have never had symptoms like these, and I haven't had med changes in 4 months. She said she would prescribe stimulants except that it wouldn't be safe with my eating disorder. This is super frustrating. I ended up going to the drug store and buying over the counter diet pills that have a lot of caffeine. I'm pretty sure prescription stimulants would be safer than that.

Things with the boy are still going well. I'm shocked that we've been together for almost a year and half. Whoever said that borderline patients can't have successful relationships can go fuck themselves. Yes we have our challenges, but we've been able to work through them. It takes a lot of openness and the courage to be vulnerable but it is doable. I never thought it would be, I resigned to having careless flings for a while, but this is so much better.

I hope you've all had a positive start to December. I'll go back to posting daily, I've missed my blogger community.