I don't know what to say other than I miss him.
I used to never let myself get attached like this, never let me feel this way, blocked myself off from the world. But he's different.
He can make me smile on my worst days. I can't get that from anybody else. He can hold me and tell me everything will be okay in a way that I actually believe.
I want to spend the rest of my life with him.
I've never said that about anyone before. It's scary to say.
I got myself out of bed today, dressed and on campus so that I can have internet access. I have none until Tuesday. I'm getting out of work for the weekend so that I can go up to Kyle's mom's place and celebrate her husband's birthday. From there, I plan to go up to north to visit my dad, stepmom and two sisters.
My eating disorder is confused. I've lost a fair bit of appetite, so I've been non-intentionally restricting, but my brain wants to binge and purge, and yet food disgusts me at the moment. I also have a total of 8$ in my two bank accounts combined.
Tampilkan postingan dengan label eating disorder. Tampilkan semua postingan
Tampilkan postingan dengan label eating disorder. Tampilkan semua postingan
Jumat, 05 Mei 2017
Kamis, 04 Mei 2017
sleep
I thought that keeping busy would make everything okay.
It didn't
I don't have the mental energy to keep myself busy. I spent 36 hours in bed, either asleep or wishing he was with me. He told me his life goals shifted to make lots of money so that I can live in this city with you. I'm in love. I need to motivate myself to do the same. Work hard this summer and spend less money. Commit to treatment and actually try to get better.
I've lost my appetite since he left, and my ED is extremely happy. I don't know what to do. The number on the scale dropped and I can't say I'm upset.
I'm off to work soon and I need to eat. I'll have some hot chocolate and cereal and berries. And I'll pick up a clif bar on my way to work so I have something during my shift, I work 4-8 so right through dinner time. My job is also on my feet, walking and going door to door. I'll definitely need some food even if my appetite is gone.
It didn't
I don't have the mental energy to keep myself busy. I spent 36 hours in bed, either asleep or wishing he was with me. He told me his life goals shifted to make lots of money so that I can live in this city with you. I'm in love. I need to motivate myself to do the same. Work hard this summer and spend less money. Commit to treatment and actually try to get better.
I've lost my appetite since he left, and my ED is extremely happy. I don't know what to do. The number on the scale dropped and I can't say I'm upset.
I'm off to work soon and I need to eat. I'll have some hot chocolate and cereal and berries. And I'll pick up a clif bar on my way to work so I have something during my shift, I work 4-8 so right through dinner time. My job is also on my feet, walking and going door to door. I'll definitely need some food even if my appetite is gone.
Jumat, 14 April 2017
Senin, 03 April 2017
binge purge
It's been a rough couple of days.
The day before yesterday I did terrifically with food! Ate balanced meals, had protein, did a very positive grocery shopping trip. But then things started to fall apart.
Sunday was okay, until the end of the day. I was with a group doing a practice thesis presentation and it ran much longer than expected, so I ended up very hungry. My boyfriend and I went out for dinner after and by the time the food came I was just ridiculously hungry. I had a lovely veggie burger in a lettuce bun and some sweet potato fries. I wasn't going to purge. I wasn't. But I had to go to the bathroom and when I got there I just thought, why not?
Of course last nights incident triggered binging and purging today. Two sessions. And I missed a class because of this. And I had dairy.
I'm picking up my broken pieces now, trying to hold myself together enough to get a bit of work done and then go to gymnastics. I ate dinner - two burritos with veggie ground beef, salsa and lettuce. I didn't want to eat or train tonight, but I know it will put me in a better mindset. I know the effect gymnastics has on my mood, and I need that boost in mood. I also know that I'm very impulsive right now, and gymnastics is a safe outlet for my impulses.
The day before yesterday I did terrifically with food! Ate balanced meals, had protein, did a very positive grocery shopping trip. But then things started to fall apart.
Sunday was okay, until the end of the day. I was with a group doing a practice thesis presentation and it ran much longer than expected, so I ended up very hungry. My boyfriend and I went out for dinner after and by the time the food came I was just ridiculously hungry. I had a lovely veggie burger in a lettuce bun and some sweet potato fries. I wasn't going to purge. I wasn't. But I had to go to the bathroom and when I got there I just thought, why not?
Of course last nights incident triggered binging and purging today. Two sessions. And I missed a class because of this. And I had dairy.
I'm picking up my broken pieces now, trying to hold myself together enough to get a bit of work done and then go to gymnastics. I ate dinner - two burritos with veggie ground beef, salsa and lettuce. I didn't want to eat or train tonight, but I know it will put me in a better mindset. I know the effect gymnastics has on my mood, and I need that boost in mood. I also know that I'm very impulsive right now, and gymnastics is a safe outlet for my impulses.
Senin, 02 Januari 2017
Family time
My dad and two siblings on his side of the family have come down to visit me.
The house is insane. I live in a little basement apartment with a roommate and now three more people have come in. I'm a bit worried about them staying here. Usually when I'm with family I have a room I can escape to. But this time my family has taken over my room and I'm sleeping in the living room. So I have no privacy for the next few days.
I'm not sure how well I'll cope. When family visits me I have the luxury of having my nights alone to decompress. To have some alone time to watch Netflix and sleep. I don't have that luxury now. I can't even take my afternoon nap.
They're here for two full days, and it's day one of the two. I can do this. I have to do this.
In other news, I didn't have lunch at Tims with my family. It's a law in Ontario that all the calories are posted beside the food items at restaurants with over 20 locations. It's awful. I need to know the calories in what I eat, but when it's pasted up on a board I feel as though it's being yelled at me, shaming me for having food. I get paranoid that others are adding up the calories in my order. I like looking at the calories before hand, in private.
I came home and ate lunch but it's very frustrating to not be able to take part in eating lunch with my family.
The house is insane. I live in a little basement apartment with a roommate and now three more people have come in. I'm a bit worried about them staying here. Usually when I'm with family I have a room I can escape to. But this time my family has taken over my room and I'm sleeping in the living room. So I have no privacy for the next few days.
I'm not sure how well I'll cope. When family visits me I have the luxury of having my nights alone to decompress. To have some alone time to watch Netflix and sleep. I don't have that luxury now. I can't even take my afternoon nap.
They're here for two full days, and it's day one of the two. I can do this. I have to do this.
In other news, I didn't have lunch at Tims with my family. It's a law in Ontario that all the calories are posted beside the food items at restaurants with over 20 locations. It's awful. I need to know the calories in what I eat, but when it's pasted up on a board I feel as though it's being yelled at me, shaming me for having food. I get paranoid that others are adding up the calories in my order. I like looking at the calories before hand, in private.
I came home and ate lunch but it's very frustrating to not be able to take part in eating lunch with my family.
Sabtu, 12 November 2016
Orthorexia
It started with lunch, whole grain bread, skinless chicken and spinach sandwiches. Fruit flavored yogurt as desert. Hitting all four food groups with one perfectly balanced meal, before going out for a 10 mile run.
Dinner was brown rice, broccoli and salmon., with a smoothie on the side.
Common meals that nutritionists eat, hitting those 7 servings of fruit and veggies every day. Getting recipes from Pinterest, and smiling as I indulged in a burger every so often.
I heard somewhere that it was healthier to be a vegetarian, and I really like animals, so I cut out red eat then chicken the fish. My lunch became whole grain bread, eggs and spinach. dinner was brown rice, broccoli and tofu. Things were good. I could eat work and play, running 12 miles a day. I felt healthier and knew I wasn't hurting animals.
Turns out that all animal products are bad, and cows and chickens are tortured for milk and eggs, so I said bye to the yogurt and cheese and the eggs. I was being healthier right? And saving the world at the same time. Everyone looked up to me, my discipline, my health, my care for the planet. I was down to running 8 miles per day but I was unstoppable. I was eating my whole grain bread, more than seven servings of fruits and vegetables a day and almond milk has the same nutrients as cow milk right?
That was all well and good until I found out gluten was bad because now I'm eating oatmeal with berries three times a day, and dry leaves on a plate when I go out with friends. I'm making cakes that taste like chalk from recipes off of Pinterest, but the girls posing beside the cake look so happy and radiant so if I eat the same things I'll look the same way, right? My friend's are annoyed cause I can't have a beer but that's okay because alcohol slows down my five mile runs.
Did you know that humans used to only eat raw, and that's better for you because the nutrients don't get cooked out. And I swear it's possible to eat normally with only raw foods, using zucchini as pasta, and you can make your own granola out from seeds and agave. It takes me a couple hours to prepare every meal, so I have to work from home, and I can never go out to eat, so I never go out with friends. I finish my three mile run with a cup of green tea to fully detoxify my body. I'm broke because of the money I'm spending on dates, and no one wants to take me out on a date, because what do you do with a girl who won't eat anything?
I'm scared to even touch something I can't eat. What if the unhealthiness seeps into my skin. I don't trust others to not cover my food with lard, and I can't have someone watch me eat. I only eat at my white kitchen table scrubbed clean before and after every meal. I haven't gotten my period in month but that's good because I no longer have to take birth control and artificial hormones are bad. I take three times the recommended dose of Omega 3 but my hair is still falling out. I've cut anything processed, anything not pure. I've cut out animals, gluten, fat, friends, family, love, happiness and life. I'm only living for the next meal. I'm terrified of that brown rice, broccoli and salmon dinner I used to have.
I don't run like I used to, I can barely walk a mile, so I lay down in bed and wonder what the hell happened to me.
Dinner was brown rice, broccoli and salmon., with a smoothie on the side.
Common meals that nutritionists eat, hitting those 7 servings of fruit and veggies every day. Getting recipes from Pinterest, and smiling as I indulged in a burger every so often.
I heard somewhere that it was healthier to be a vegetarian, and I really like animals, so I cut out red eat then chicken the fish. My lunch became whole grain bread, eggs and spinach. dinner was brown rice, broccoli and tofu. Things were good. I could eat work and play, running 12 miles a day. I felt healthier and knew I wasn't hurting animals.
Turns out that all animal products are bad, and cows and chickens are tortured for milk and eggs, so I said bye to the yogurt and cheese and the eggs. I was being healthier right? And saving the world at the same time. Everyone looked up to me, my discipline, my health, my care for the planet. I was down to running 8 miles per day but I was unstoppable. I was eating my whole grain bread, more than seven servings of fruits and vegetables a day and almond milk has the same nutrients as cow milk right?
That was all well and good until I found out gluten was bad because now I'm eating oatmeal with berries three times a day, and dry leaves on a plate when I go out with friends. I'm making cakes that taste like chalk from recipes off of Pinterest, but the girls posing beside the cake look so happy and radiant so if I eat the same things I'll look the same way, right? My friend's are annoyed cause I can't have a beer but that's okay because alcohol slows down my five mile runs.
Did you know that humans used to only eat raw, and that's better for you because the nutrients don't get cooked out. And I swear it's possible to eat normally with only raw foods, using zucchini as pasta, and you can make your own granola out from seeds and agave. It takes me a couple hours to prepare every meal, so I have to work from home, and I can never go out to eat, so I never go out with friends. I finish my three mile run with a cup of green tea to fully detoxify my body. I'm broke because of the money I'm spending on dates, and no one wants to take me out on a date, because what do you do with a girl who won't eat anything?
I'm scared to even touch something I can't eat. What if the unhealthiness seeps into my skin. I don't trust others to not cover my food with lard, and I can't have someone watch me eat. I only eat at my white kitchen table scrubbed clean before and after every meal. I haven't gotten my period in month but that's good because I no longer have to take birth control and artificial hormones are bad. I take three times the recommended dose of Omega 3 but my hair is still falling out. I've cut anything processed, anything not pure. I've cut out animals, gluten, fat, friends, family, love, happiness and life. I'm only living for the next meal. I'm terrified of that brown rice, broccoli and salmon dinner I used to have.
I don't run like I used to, I can barely walk a mile, so I lay down in bed and wonder what the hell happened to me.
Selasa, 08 November 2016
Playing hooky
My doctor has decided that I need to be weighed once a month to make sure my weight is somewhat stable.
Firstly, if my doctor wants to make sure my weight is stable she should really be weighing me weekly.. my weight fluctuations are so dramatic, that in this month alone, I've gained 10 pounds and lost 4. To my doctor that will just look like I've gained 6 pounds, which she would probably be happy about.
But that's beside the point. I find getting weighed by my doctor extremely triggering. My fucked up eating disorder brain tells me that she'll only care if I'm losing weight. That I have to be underweight for her to care. The problem is, I have evidence to support this. She started paying a lot more attention to me when I lost weight. All of a sudden, she was concerned about me missing my period, isolating myself, ordering blood work and EKGs. I always try to lose weight before my doctors appointments because of this.
Yesterday, when I woke up and had gained a pound from the day before, I decided there was no way I was going in. Instead, I lied in bed all day pouting because I had gained weight. Usually I would go to my doctor and talk through these feelings, but I couldn't stand the idea of being weighed.
I see my psychiatrist on Thursday, and I'm sure I'll get into trouble for skipping yesterday's appointment. And she'll most likely weigh me. But at least that gives me two more days to lose....
Firstly, if my doctor wants to make sure my weight is stable she should really be weighing me weekly.. my weight fluctuations are so dramatic, that in this month alone, I've gained 10 pounds and lost 4. To my doctor that will just look like I've gained 6 pounds, which she would probably be happy about.
But that's beside the point. I find getting weighed by my doctor extremely triggering. My fucked up eating disorder brain tells me that she'll only care if I'm losing weight. That I have to be underweight for her to care. The problem is, I have evidence to support this. She started paying a lot more attention to me when I lost weight. All of a sudden, she was concerned about me missing my period, isolating myself, ordering blood work and EKGs. I always try to lose weight before my doctors appointments because of this.
Yesterday, when I woke up and had gained a pound from the day before, I decided there was no way I was going in. Instead, I lied in bed all day pouting because I had gained weight. Usually I would go to my doctor and talk through these feelings, but I couldn't stand the idea of being weighed.
I see my psychiatrist on Thursday, and I'm sure I'll get into trouble for skipping yesterday's appointment. And she'll most likely weigh me. But at least that gives me two more days to lose....
Jumat, 04 November 2016
And so eat I will
It's Friday. I've made it through yet another week. Things aren't going too well academically. I'm behind in all my courses, and my grades are about 30% lower then where they need to be. I'm starting to worry that I'm not made out for a career in mathematics. What if I'm just not smart enough? What if I just don't have it in me?
I'm trying to push aside these thoughts. If I believe them then I'll make them true. I'm going back to the basics. Studying my ass off. Working harder than ever. If I want this badly enough I can obtain it. I just need to fight.
I have two goals: be an elite gymnast, and be a professional mathematician.
These means I need to dream mathematics, bleed gymnastics and eat. Eat good food and keep it all down. My brain needs fuel and so does my body. I need to beat this bulimia. If I can't do that, I won't be able to do anything else.
I need to fight for my dreams. And to do so I must eat. And so eat I will.
I'm trying to push aside these thoughts. If I believe them then I'll make them true. I'm going back to the basics. Studying my ass off. Working harder than ever. If I want this badly enough I can obtain it. I just need to fight.
I have two goals: be an elite gymnast, and be a professional mathematician.
These means I need to dream mathematics, bleed gymnastics and eat. Eat good food and keep it all down. My brain needs fuel and so does my body. I need to beat this bulimia. If I can't do that, I won't be able to do anything else.
I need to fight for my dreams. And to do so I must eat. And so eat I will.
Senin, 31 Oktober 2016
'healthy'
I've had some pretty major weight fluctuations over the past month. I lost about 10 lbs over September, and gained them back in October. All these weight fluctuations make gymnastics quite difficult, as I'm not as in touch with my body.
I mentioned this to my training partner today, and she told me that when she saw me a month ago she was quite concerned and that I look much better now. I *know* that she doesn't mean that I look fat now, but that's the only way my brain knows how to take a comment like that.
looking better = looking healthier = looking fatter
I know logically this isn't true. But my brain still believes it.
My body image has gone down drastically as I gained back these ten pounds. I felt a lot better about my body ten pounds ago, and would really like to be at that weight again. But I don't want to look sick. I just want to like what I look like and not cause the rest of the world to panic over my weight. Why is that so difficult?
I mentioned this to my training partner today, and she told me that when she saw me a month ago she was quite concerned and that I look much better now. I *know* that she doesn't mean that I look fat now, but that's the only way my brain knows how to take a comment like that.
looking better = looking healthier = looking fatter
I know logically this isn't true. But my brain still believes it.
My body image has gone down drastically as I gained back these ten pounds. I felt a lot better about my body ten pounds ago, and would really like to be at that weight again. But I don't want to look sick. I just want to like what I look like and not cause the rest of the world to panic over my weight. Why is that so difficult?
Sabtu, 29 Oktober 2016
Halloween
The past few weeks have been rough. Tonight my roommate and I are hosting a low key Halloween party. I'm pretty nervous about it to be honest. We made chocolate bark which is super yummy but I'm so scared that it's going to be triggering. I'll be wearing a tight dress, and be surrounded by people and chocolate. I'm nervous I'm going to end up binging and purging.
I'm really proud of myself for putting myself out there and being more social, but I'll I want to do is curl up in a ball.
Time for nap.
I'm really proud of myself for putting myself out there and being more social, but I'll I want to do is curl up in a ball.
Time for nap.
Kamis, 27 Oktober 2016
Update
It's been a while since I've written, and let you know how I've been doing.
Things have been okay... well not really okay, but I've been getting by. My depression, impulsivity and dissociation as increased a fair bit over the past couple weeks.
I got a 60% on my real analysis (upper year math) test a couple weeks ago and it triggered a downward spiral. I stopped getting out of bed at the same time every day, stopped being consistent with my medication, let my eating disorder. I know having symptoms isn't my fault and that being sick isn't my fault, but at one point, it's my decision whether or not I decide to engage in self care. I wasn't filling in my CBT journal, so I was letting my thoughts go while and not reframing them. I wasn't tracking my eating patterns so I didn't know what to work on to improve them. I wasn't training effectively, so I got injured.
I know that getting a 60% on an upper year math course doesn't mean I'm stupid. It means I'm passing a fourth year math course. Which is tough to do. But I also need to accept reality. A 60% will not get me into grad school. I need to work my ass off to improve my marks. Which means focusing on school. School must be my first priority. That means I need to prioritize school over losing weight (as I mentioned in my last post).
My roommate is doing a lot better. She's no longer overdosing or hurting herself, and she overcame her restricting lapse. She's still struggling, but I no longer am worried about her all the time.
I have four tutoring clients right now, and quit my kitchen job. This is so much better for me than working in a kitchen ever was. I love tutoring and feel so good about helping others, while making money. It's enough to support me, and even get a bit of extra money (assuming I don't spend it all on binge food).
My boyfriend and I are still going strong. In fact, we had a few really good conversations, and things are better than ever. It's hard to think that he might be on the other side of the world next year, but we're taking things day by day, enjoying the time we have together.
Although the last few weeks have been tough, I really feel like I can turn things around. I started off sleeping in and not having my planned breakfast, but I've really turned things around. I'm at my desk, showered, studying and blogging, and heading off to tutor in five minutes.
I hope you're all doing well. I haven't been keeping up with you all with all my midterms, but after my last one tomorrow, I'll be sure to catch up on everything that I missed!
I love you all
Things have been okay... well not really okay, but I've been getting by. My depression, impulsivity and dissociation as increased a fair bit over the past couple weeks.
I got a 60% on my real analysis (upper year math) test a couple weeks ago and it triggered a downward spiral. I stopped getting out of bed at the same time every day, stopped being consistent with my medication, let my eating disorder. I know having symptoms isn't my fault and that being sick isn't my fault, but at one point, it's my decision whether or not I decide to engage in self care. I wasn't filling in my CBT journal, so I was letting my thoughts go while and not reframing them. I wasn't tracking my eating patterns so I didn't know what to work on to improve them. I wasn't training effectively, so I got injured.
I know that getting a 60% on an upper year math course doesn't mean I'm stupid. It means I'm passing a fourth year math course. Which is tough to do. But I also need to accept reality. A 60% will not get me into grad school. I need to work my ass off to improve my marks. Which means focusing on school. School must be my first priority. That means I need to prioritize school over losing weight (as I mentioned in my last post).
My roommate is doing a lot better. She's no longer overdosing or hurting herself, and she overcame her restricting lapse. She's still struggling, but I no longer am worried about her all the time.
I have four tutoring clients right now, and quit my kitchen job. This is so much better for me than working in a kitchen ever was. I love tutoring and feel so good about helping others, while making money. It's enough to support me, and even get a bit of extra money (assuming I don't spend it all on binge food).
My boyfriend and I are still going strong. In fact, we had a few really good conversations, and things are better than ever. It's hard to think that he might be on the other side of the world next year, but we're taking things day by day, enjoying the time we have together.
Although the last few weeks have been tough, I really feel like I can turn things around. I started off sleeping in and not having my planned breakfast, but I've really turned things around. I'm at my desk, showered, studying and blogging, and heading off to tutor in five minutes.
I hope you're all doing well. I haven't been keeping up with you all with all my midterms, but after my last one tomorrow, I'll be sure to catch up on everything that I missed!
I love you all
weight
I've decided I need to maintain.
I've been spending a lot of time trying to lose over the past couple weeks, and all it's done is increase my b/p tendencies, distract me from school and make me absolutely miserable. I'm at a weight I'm content with. I'm not happy, but I'm content. My muscle tone is showing more and more as I continue my gymnastics training. I can't let weight loss be my priority.
In an ideal world, I'd be able to lose weight, ace school and be an elite athlete. That's not possible. I need to prioritize. My first priority is school. My second is gymnastics. And if losing weight gets in the way of either of those I'm going to need to stop.
This is me trying. No I'm not magically recovering. No, I'm not going to stop engaging in behaviours. But this is my trying. This is me trying to get back on track with life, not with weight loss. This is me harm reducing. Don't say I need to do more. Don't say I need to gain, or exercise less or eat a bigger variety of food. Let me do me. This is me trying.
I've been spending a lot of time trying to lose over the past couple weeks, and all it's done is increase my b/p tendencies, distract me from school and make me absolutely miserable. I'm at a weight I'm content with. I'm not happy, but I'm content. My muscle tone is showing more and more as I continue my gymnastics training. I can't let weight loss be my priority.
In an ideal world, I'd be able to lose weight, ace school and be an elite athlete. That's not possible. I need to prioritize. My first priority is school. My second is gymnastics. And if losing weight gets in the way of either of those I'm going to need to stop.
This is me trying. No I'm not magically recovering. No, I'm not going to stop engaging in behaviours. But this is my trying. This is me trying to get back on track with life, not with weight loss. This is me harm reducing. Don't say I need to do more. Don't say I need to gain, or exercise less or eat a bigger variety of food. Let me do me. This is me trying.
Jumat, 21 Oktober 2016
protein bars
This blog post is going to be mostly me ranting about my love hate relationship with protein bars. I will be posting a blog post where I give my review of protein bars over the weekend, but for now I'm just going to rant. I'm in a complaining mood.
OKAY. So protein bars cost about a million dollars a box, and 2 million dollars if you buy them individually. So me, trying to be financially responsible, buys protein bars in boxes. But then I binge on them. And I can't purge them because they cost a million dollars. And they have protein, and I need the protein in my diet. But it was still a binge and I'll hate myself for it for the next week.
Now you're probably thinking, okay Niqi, just don't fucking binge on your protein bars. But when I don't keep binge food in the house, they're the closest thing I have to chocolate bars and so they become my binge food.
And thus, I have to buy my protein bars individually. And spend more money that I don't have.
*sigh*
OKAY. So protein bars cost about a million dollars a box, and 2 million dollars if you buy them individually. So me, trying to be financially responsible, buys protein bars in boxes. But then I binge on them. And I can't purge them because they cost a million dollars. And they have protein, and I need the protein in my diet. But it was still a binge and I'll hate myself for it for the next week.
Now you're probably thinking, okay Niqi, just don't fucking binge on your protein bars. But when I don't keep binge food in the house, they're the closest thing I have to chocolate bars and so they become my binge food.
And thus, I have to buy my protein bars individually. And spend more money that I don't have.
*sigh*
Senin, 10 Oktober 2016
World mental health day Facebook post
Today is #worldmentalhealthawarenessday
Mental illnesses are life threatening conditions that have caused me and many others several hospitalizations, treatment programs and medications. What's even worse is that many individuals don't have access to treatment because of the stigma or lack of finances.
I'd like to take this opportunity to talk about medication. Below is a picture of the medication I have to take daily for my mental illness. Yes it's a lot. No it's not big pharma trying to take advantage of me. Finding the right medication has changed my life and this drug cocktail is what's keeping me alive.
I've seen many people talk about how exercise, healthy eating and all sorts of other things are natural anti-depressants. And this can be true to some extent. But when there is a chemical imbalance in your brain, you need medication that will help fix that imbalance.
I'd like to thank everyone who's stuck by me over the past three years of hospitalizations, relapses, ups and downs. It hasn't been an easy three years, but I'm glad I'm still here to talk about it. I personally suffer from borderline personality disorder, bulimia, depression and anxiety. If you have an questions about any of these illnesses or my experience with them please ask.
Rabu, 05 Oktober 2016
Fitbit-orexia
Fitbits have gone from being something athlete's wear in order to specialize their training and diets, to a fashion accessory that everyone - from my slightly active family members, to my therapist - are wearing.
But why?
In most cases, calorie counting is the wrong way to go about dieting. Healthy eating choices, being aware of hunger cues and moderate exercise is the current recommended method to lose weight (if weight loss is needed). It seems that individuals at their set point weights are trying to lose more weight in order to be thin, thinking that thin is synonymous with health.
Thin and healthy are very different things. In fact, many elite athletes are less 'healthy' than a moderately active individual, due to the strain they put on their body to be at the top of their sport. Looking up to fitness models as inspiration is not the same as looking up to health. Trying to sculpt out a specific body type is actually quite destructive, leading to poor body image.
What do Fitbits have to do with this?
Many behaviors of those who use Fitbits are similar to eating disorder symptoms. These include:
- Calorie counting
- Tracking food intake
- Tracking exercise
- Over exercising
- Restricting food intake
- Making up for overeating with excessive exercise
- Having weight loss competitions
We've been tricked by marketing companies that these are good behaviors That these behaviors make us stronger and healthier. They don't. They encourage disordered eating patterns. These behaviors can trigger eating disorders in those who are genetically pre-dispositioned.
There's also the issue of trusting these little devices. Many get very attached to the number they see on their Fitibit. Whether it be how many calories they burned, how many calories they ate, or how many steps they took. How do you know that this is accurate? Waving your arm around makes the device think you took more steps.
When it comes to fitbits, my first thought is of how destructive they can be. I see why they would be helpful in some situations, but I don't think that's the general case. I especially don't think that fitbit competitions should be a part of the system.
If you're planning on getting a fitbit, make sure you're doing it for the right reasons, and that you don't start sliding down a very slippery slope.
When it comes to fitbits, my first thought is of how destructive they can be. I see why they would be helpful in some situations, but I don't think that's the general case. I especially don't think that fitbit competitions should be a part of the system.
If you're planning on getting a fitbit, make sure you're doing it for the right reasons, and that you don't start sliding down a very slippery slope.
Kamis, 29 September 2016
Starbucks
Today I had the unfortunate experience of walking into Starbucks and seeing the calorie content of every drink posted beside the price in the menu.
The nutritional information for Starbucks has been available online for a very long time and is easily accessible for anyone interested.
The posting of the caloric information up on a big board for everyone to see is completely unnecessary and in some cases it can even be harmful. As an individual trying to recover from an eating disorder, I find it quite discouraging to walk into my local coffee store and find calories printed up on the menu. It discourages a healthy relationship with food, and puts emphases on the caloric content instead of the enjoyment and nutritional value of the food.
Not only can this information be harmful to some (and by some I'm referring to the 5% (yes, that's 1 in 20) of the population suffering from an eating disorder), it is actually irrelevant to the majority of the population. A healthy relationship with food should not involve counting calories. A healthy relationship with food should involve eating when hungry and stopping when full, and eating food your body craves and needs.
Counting calories is often considered to be a disordered eating pattern, which Starbucks is now encouraging.
Starbucks has definitely lost a customer today, and I hope they realize the harm that they're causing.
The nutritional information for Starbucks has been available online for a very long time and is easily accessible for anyone interested.
The posting of the caloric information up on a big board for everyone to see is completely unnecessary and in some cases it can even be harmful. As an individual trying to recover from an eating disorder, I find it quite discouraging to walk into my local coffee store and find calories printed up on the menu. It discourages a healthy relationship with food, and puts emphases on the caloric content instead of the enjoyment and nutritional value of the food.
Not only can this information be harmful to some (and by some I'm referring to the 5% (yes, that's 1 in 20) of the population suffering from an eating disorder), it is actually irrelevant to the majority of the population. A healthy relationship with food should not involve counting calories. A healthy relationship with food should involve eating when hungry and stopping when full, and eating food your body craves and needs.
Counting calories is often considered to be a disordered eating pattern, which Starbucks is now encouraging.
Starbucks has definitely lost a customer today, and I hope they realize the harm that they're causing.
Senin, 26 September 2016
Everyone wants to be thin, nobody wants to be sick
But where do you draw the line?
When does thinness become an illness?
Society puts those with anorexia up on a pedestal. Their so called "self-control" is sought after. But no one wants to be the bulimic. Many are okay being sick, if they can choose their flavor of disease.
Maybe it's because no one realizes the torment of anorexia. No one realizes how destructive and life ruining it is. No one knows how much pain someone with anorexia goes through.
What about the bulimic? It's seen as this bad habit one should be ashamed of. But if you're underweight because of it, truth is people will ask how you did it. They don't want to hear about how you puked your life away, but that's the truth.
You may have tried to 'become anorexic' and developed binge eating disorder instead.
It's like if you wanted lung cancer so you smarted to smoke. But there is no guarantee that you'll develop lung cancer. You might get esophageal or pancreatic cancer instead. You might get no cancer at all.
We, as a society, look up to 'thinspos' or 'fitspos' and spend millions of dollars on weight loss programs and fitness plans, just to look a certain way. We look up to those capable of eating less, thinking they're better and not sick.
There are several reasons someone may be underweight. Many of these reasons are because of illness.
Thinness and success are not synonymous.
When does thinness become an illness?
Society puts those with anorexia up on a pedestal. Their so called "self-control" is sought after. But no one wants to be the bulimic. Many are okay being sick, if they can choose their flavor of disease.
Maybe it's because no one realizes the torment of anorexia. No one realizes how destructive and life ruining it is. No one knows how much pain someone with anorexia goes through.
What about the bulimic? It's seen as this bad habit one should be ashamed of. But if you're underweight because of it, truth is people will ask how you did it. They don't want to hear about how you puked your life away, but that's the truth.
You may have tried to 'become anorexic' and developed binge eating disorder instead.
It's like if you wanted lung cancer so you smarted to smoke. But there is no guarantee that you'll develop lung cancer. You might get esophageal or pancreatic cancer instead. You might get no cancer at all.
We, as a society, look up to 'thinspos' or 'fitspos' and spend millions of dollars on weight loss programs and fitness plans, just to look a certain way. We look up to those capable of eating less, thinking they're better and not sick.
There are several reasons someone may be underweight. Many of these reasons are because of illness.
Thinness and success are not synonymous.
Senin, 12 September 2016
Working with food
I work in a kitchen this year, the kitchen in our school pub. I actually quite like it.
My therapist said it's quite common for eating disorder patients to work in the food industry - probably because our obsession with food is so strong, jobs in this industry attract us.
I've only had three shifts so far, but so far it hasn't been triggering at all. I love the work. Yes I get disgusted by the fryers and some of the sauces, but that's no different than before. I love cooking, and it's always been hard to cook with my bulimia, as it would often result in a binge.
This is great - it lets me cook, and keeps me busy, and not allowing my to binge and purge.
Of course, it's easy to say that everything is going great at the beginning. I have another three shifts today, so we'll see how that goes.
My therapist said it's quite common for eating disorder patients to work in the food industry - probably because our obsession with food is so strong, jobs in this industry attract us.
I've only had three shifts so far, but so far it hasn't been triggering at all. I love the work. Yes I get disgusted by the fryers and some of the sauces, but that's no different than before. I love cooking, and it's always been hard to cook with my bulimia, as it would often result in a binge.
This is great - it lets me cook, and keeps me busy, and not allowing my to binge and purge.
Of course, it's easy to say that everything is going great at the beginning. I have another three shifts today, so we'll see how that goes.
Minggu, 11 September 2016
Family time
My family came down to visit my yesterday, and, as much as I love them, I do struggle spending time with them.
It was mostly a good visit though, after a nice chat, we headed out to Candian Tire to fix a few things in my house, and then went for a hike. Kyle was super busy but managed to take about an hour away from his work to come have lunch with us, which I really appreciated. He writes his math GRE in under a week, so I understand how much pressure he is under, but he still takes some time for me and that means the world to me.
It's still tough for me to be around family, the relationship between my mom and step dad can be a big trigger for me. I'm constantly worried that they will split up as they fight a fair bit, and I don't know how I would handle that.
My relationship with my stepdad has been improving though. When we talk about neutral subjects like math and university life and gymnastics things are great. It's when we start talking about my illness that things get rocky.
Overall, I have to say that this is the best visit I've had with my mom's side of the family in quite a long time.
It was mostly a good visit though, after a nice chat, we headed out to Candian Tire to fix a few things in my house, and then went for a hike. Kyle was super busy but managed to take about an hour away from his work to come have lunch with us, which I really appreciated. He writes his math GRE in under a week, so I understand how much pressure he is under, but he still takes some time for me and that means the world to me.
It's still tough for me to be around family, the relationship between my mom and step dad can be a big trigger for me. I'm constantly worried that they will split up as they fight a fair bit, and I don't know how I would handle that.
My relationship with my stepdad has been improving though. When we talk about neutral subjects like math and university life and gymnastics things are great. It's when we start talking about my illness that things get rocky.
Overall, I have to say that this is the best visit I've had with my mom's side of the family in quite a long time.
Senin, 15 Agustus 2016
Pro ana
I made a post before titled "what the pro ana community has done for me". I was wrong when I wrote that. I didn't have the right impression of what pro ana is. I was talking about the eating disorder support community on social media. This community that does not push recovery, but does not encourage relapse. The community that supports you no matter what stage you're at with your illness, and allows you to vent. It's basically like a support group you can access at any time via social media. Yes, it can be triggering at times, because numbers are often mentioned (which isn't allowed in normal support groups), but letting out specifics really helps people vent.
I got a direct message on twitter today that said:
I'd like to point out, before I get hate messages for this, I do not suffer from body dysmorphia. Yes, I still have an eating disorder. Yes, I still want to lose weight. But I am capable of seeing myself accurately compare to other people. I am aware that I am on the low end and quite thin. I am aware that losing more weight will make me unhealthy and not 'look' good as society would put it. Yet, I still want to.
Now, there are so many things wrong with this message that I got other than the fact that it's rude, insulting, and ruined my day. Because I was extremely triggered and insulted, I went and looked at this person's account, and it was quite pro-ana, even though she claimed it was not. This account bragged about their BMI, had all their goal weights listed, and their description read "FOR ANAS&MIAS ONLY". Now I can't see their tweets as they are a protected account, and I have no desire to follow someone who would send me those messages, so maybe they're not what I think they are.. but that's the impression I got.
I'm also not sure how this person knows what my BMI is. I had a blog post when my BMI hit 18.5 and how I felt about that, but it's been a while since then, and drastic weight fluctuations are common in eating disorders, especially bulimia. For all they know, I could be over or under weight now. I won't even get into how inaccurate BMI is. But as a muscular girl, my "healthy or ideal" BMI is higher than that of the average built person.
I'm not too sure where I was going with this article, other than there are mean people out there and to watch for this. You can say that you aren't promoting anything, and you may not be directly telling anyone to starve or to puke, but you're directly triggering someone and I don't think that's okay. I love the eating disorder support community, and have accidentally called it "pro-ana" but that's not what it is. The "pro-ana" community is a very different disgusting community, and gives the support community a bad name because of the slight overlap.
If you'd like to read my post about what the eating disorder community has done for me, you can find it here.
I got a direct message on twitter today that said:
"U think ur 1 of the thinnest? Um ur bmi is still normal... Get a grip on reality. Ur thin and beautiful not skinny or the thinnest"This was after I tweeted about a conference I was at - I felt like I was the dumbest, but I felt like one of the thinnest. I was upset that I had these thoughts. I know it doesn't matter and it was highlighted at this conference. My weight doesn't get me anywhere special. All these other students with higher weights were smarter and getting more out of the conference than I was. My other tweets went on to explain these thoughts.
I'd like to point out, before I get hate messages for this, I do not suffer from body dysmorphia. Yes, I still have an eating disorder. Yes, I still want to lose weight. But I am capable of seeing myself accurately compare to other people. I am aware that I am on the low end and quite thin. I am aware that losing more weight will make me unhealthy and not 'look' good as society would put it. Yet, I still want to.
Now, there are so many things wrong with this message that I got other than the fact that it's rude, insulting, and ruined my day. Because I was extremely triggered and insulted, I went and looked at this person's account, and it was quite pro-ana, even though she claimed it was not. This account bragged about their BMI, had all their goal weights listed, and their description read "FOR ANAS&MIAS ONLY". Now I can't see their tweets as they are a protected account, and I have no desire to follow someone who would send me those messages, so maybe they're not what I think they are.. but that's the impression I got.
I'm also not sure how this person knows what my BMI is. I had a blog post when my BMI hit 18.5 and how I felt about that, but it's been a while since then, and drastic weight fluctuations are common in eating disorders, especially bulimia. For all they know, I could be over or under weight now. I won't even get into how inaccurate BMI is. But as a muscular girl, my "healthy or ideal" BMI is higher than that of the average built person.
I'm not too sure where I was going with this article, other than there are mean people out there and to watch for this. You can say that you aren't promoting anything, and you may not be directly telling anyone to starve or to puke, but you're directly triggering someone and I don't think that's okay. I love the eating disorder support community, and have accidentally called it "pro-ana" but that's not what it is. The "pro-ana" community is a very different disgusting community, and gives the support community a bad name because of the slight overlap.
If you'd like to read my post about what the eating disorder community has done for me, you can find it here.
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