A list of things I am doing instead of studying

A list of things I am doing instead of studying

1. Writing this list
2. Eating a bag of sour cherry blasters
3. Feeling guilty for eating a bag of sour cherry blasters
4. Obsessively checking my phone, waiting for someone to text me so that I have a reason not to study
5. Worrying about my trip home tomorrow
6. Stress eating more sour cherry blasters because of my trip home tomorrow
7. Wondering why home is so scary
8. Wondering how I got so bad that I can't return to where it all began
9. Thinking of a thousand different ways the next two days could go wrong
1. The elliptical could be broken so I won't be able to work out
2. Our train could break down and we never make it home
3. My siblings could be unexcited to see me
4. My siblings could decide to shoot my boyfriend with a nerf gun
5. There could be no food that I eat in the house
6. I could ruin my recovery with all the binge food available
7. I could spiral into a relapse so bad that I
1. Spend the trip hiding from my family
2. Spend the trip lying to my boyfriend
3. Burst a pipe in the bathroom
4. Am too distracted to have fun
5. Am too tired to study for my finals
6. Study so little that I fail my finals causing me to
1. Question my life choices
2. Not get into graduate school
3. Not get a job
4. Move into my parents basement
5. Be a huge dissapointment
6. Never acheive anything in life

exams

Sorry I haven't written much lately, between depression and exams I haven't spent much time doing anything other than sleeping and studying.

I've written one final so far. I deferred an exam last week as well as tomorrow's. I have to finish writing my thesis as well as write my last final on Thursday.

Eating is not going so well, but I'm staying vegan. Being broke and vegan does help a bit with the binging and purging, but it's an addiction, and at the end of the day. I'll always find a way around whatever obstacles are put in my way in order to feed the addiction.

I'm broke, I'm tired, I'm stressed. But I'm back at my student house getting through every day one minute at a time

home sweet home

I went down to my mom's house yesterday with Kyle as a birthday surprise for her.

It's been going better then previous trips down that I've taken. I purged dinner yesterday and had a purged twice today. So it's definitely not going well, but it's not going as badly as my old trips used to be. The veganism helps, gives me more reason to cook my own safe foods.

It's been really good to see my siblings. It's been too long since I've really spent time with them. I had a few talks with both my brother and sister about drugs and relationships and made sure they had a healthy relationship with food. They seem to be doing remarkably well. They also feel more comfortable talking to me now, and promised they'd call if ever they need some sisterly advice.

Kyle saw how good I was with my siblings and it made him think about our future. I can't stop thinking about our future.

Art therapy journal

This seems to be super popular these days so I tried it out last night!

Yesterday was a rough day, my brain just seemed to be overdrive the entire day. I wasn't able to focus on my studies, and I'm quite stressed out about this today, as I fear I have fallen behind. I know it will all be okay. I'm allowed to have bad days. It's just frustrating when they pop out of nowhere. 

new poems!

Thinspo - a poem

Borderline - a poem

"Vegans are in fake recovery"

Is something that my roommate has said to me a lot.

I disagree. Not only do I disagree, but I'm living proof that she's wrong. My binging and purging has gone WAY down since going vegan. I feel more comfortable with the food that I'm eating. Overall, I'm eating more, and purging less.

Today in therapy my new therapist and I talked about all the reasons that her comments upset me. Turns out I have cycles of thoughts and emotions that rush into my brain from her comments - and I didn't even know that it was going on! I thought it just angered me, but turns out that under that anger was fear, shame and guilt.

When she says things like this I tend to agree with her and play along. This makes me feel as though I'm betraying all my vegan friends as well as my beliefs. This leads to guilt. Then I get upset that I'm not living in accordance to my values, which leads to shame.

The fear comes from me being worried that she's right. She's farther along in her recovery so she would know more right? Wrong. She knows what worked for her recovery, not for mine. This works for me and I need to remember that.






In other news, I lost my job at the gym but got a different job supporting local farmers - the pay and the hours are better, so I'm glad things worked out this way.

Work

I missed my first shit.


stupid.
stupid.
stupid.
stupid.
stupid.



I slept through. I had an awful night last night, and was majorly dissociating through the day and slept through my alarm. I feel like such an idiot. I sent my manager an email, and I am hoping she still allows me to come in and work tomorrow. I was so excited about this job and now I might have ruined it.

the gym

I just got hired at The Gym! (yes, it's a gym called the gym). I'm super excited.

I'm going to be a receptionist which is work I like to do, and I'll be in a great environment. I'll be around athletes and people who care about fitness, and I'll have a lot in common with the staff.

I'm really excited for this new opportunity. I think it's going to be a great job for me and a job I can sustain without ruining my mental health. My experience working at Tims and the pool company was so bad, so I'm nervous that maybe I just can't handle a job. But I'm hoping that this job is different. I will make it different. I will make this work for me. And I could really use the money.


In other news, I presented my thesis today and I think it went well! Now only the written part left to do!

Group

I had my first week of group this past week. Tuesday wasn't too bad. Yesterday was awful.

We were talking about values. And the facilitator showed a video of a woman talking about how she used to be homophobic and lost friends due to that, and how she's now conflicted because her values have changed.

You can't just hurt people because of your values. Somethings ARE black and white. Homophobia is bad. Racism is bad. There is no grey area. You can't defend yourself for being this way because of your values. Being hateful doesn't infringe on your values, it infridges on other people's lives.

I had an individual appointment today and explained my anger. She switched me to the earlier group so that I do the have to face that facilitator anymore. Thank goodness. I was ready to drop out of the program.

I would have just dropped out of he program if it weren't for one thing. My place in the eating disorder program is conditional on me completing this first program.

I'm hoping next week goes better with the new facilitators. It's a short group, only seven weeks, and I've got one week down. I can get through this.

binge purge

It's been a rough couple of days.

The day before yesterday I did terrifically with food! Ate balanced meals, had protein, did a very positive grocery shopping trip. But then things started to fall apart.

Sunday was okay, until the end of the day. I was with a group doing a practice thesis presentation and it ran much longer than expected, so I ended up very hungry. My boyfriend and I went out for dinner after and by the time the food came I was just ridiculously hungry. I had a lovely veggie burger in a lettuce bun and some sweet potato fries. I wasn't going to purge. I wasn't. But I had to go to the bathroom and when I got there I just thought, why not?

Of course last nights incident triggered binging and purging today. Two sessions. And I missed a class because of this. And I had dairy.

I'm picking up my broken pieces now, trying to hold myself together enough to get a bit of work done and then go to gymnastics. I ate dinner - two burritos with veggie ground beef, salsa and lettuce. I didn't want to eat or train tonight, but I know it will put me in a better mindset. I know the effect gymnastics has on my mood, and I need that boost in mood. I also know that I'm very impulsive right now, and gymnastics is a safe outlet for my impulses.

April

It's April, so like at the beginning of most months, I'm going to promise to blog more regularly. Like every month, I'll most likely break this promise, but I wrote myself a little note on my desk to remind myself to blog this month!

It's been almost two weeks since I've written, so it's time for a little update.

I had a bad ankle sprain a week and a half ago, and it's taken me out of the gym which is so damn frustrating, I LOVE being in the gym. I'll be back at it doing some basics on Monday though!

Food wise, things have been going pretty decently. I broke my veganism yesterday/day before on a binge, but that's been my only real lapse since last time I've written. My weight gain is going well, a little too well in my opinion, but I know this is just temporary, gaining muscle and then I can go back to maintaining like I was before. I need to remember that no one is judging more for a 15lbs difference. Especially when it's muscle - it's barely noticeable!

Exam month has officially started, so my exam prep has begun. My concentration has been poor today, but I know it's something I'm going to have to work and push through for the next month. I can do this.


For all the French out there - here's a fish!