Holiday meal plan

I know that many of you are stressed with Christmas coming up (tomorrow is Christmas Eve!!) so I thought I would share some yummy safe dishes of mine I'll be eating. 

Obviously it will be weird for me to be eating different food than my family, but since I'm vegetarian, it happens anyways so I use that as my excuse to make my own food. It helps that my immediate family knows and are supportive/know that I'm 18 and there isn't much they can do. 

How to get through a three course Christmas meal: 

1. bread/salad. 

I make myself a very nice garden salad and fill up on this. I don't dress my salads, I simply put some salt and pepper on it. I often have the same salad my family is having, and ask them to leave the dressing on the side. I'll tend to skip the bread, when the bread basket goes around, or put a very small piece of bread in the basket and go for that one. Bread is such a fear food for me, I'd rather not be triggered to b/p right from the get go.

Salad ~ 50 (about two-three cups worth, no dressing)

Bread ~50 (for a small piece)

2. Main course. 

I replace the turkey with tofurky roast (125 per tenth of the roast) and then have a plateful of steamed veggies (about 50 for two cups). I can't do potatoes, so I always skip those. 

3. Desert. 

This is the though one and seems to ALWAYS lead me to binging and purging. I plan on loading up on fruit salad (about 80 for a cup) and some light whipped cream to look like I'm indulging (25 per quarter cup)

In total your meal can easily be under 400cals, and you still feel part of the Christmas celebrations. 

Good luck!

-Niqi

xoxo

Questions questions questions

... I know I'm going to have to answer all of these the second I see my parents:

• How is school?
• How is treatment?
• How is recovery? 
• How much are you purging? 
• How much are you restricting? 
• Why do you care so much about your weight? 
• Why do you care so much about your grades?
• What are your grades like?
• How did exams go?
• How was the semester?
• Did you get to know any of your profs?
• Why did you spend so much money? 
• Why is there an ambulance charge on your credit card? 
• Can't you see how much your hurting us? 
• Does your eyeliner have some sort of deep meaning? 
• Why don't you want to talk to us? 
• Why don't you want to play with your siblings?
• Why don't you want to go see your highschool friends? 
• Did you lose weight? 
• Did you gain weight? 
• Do you know how much we love you?
• Are you still trying to lose weight? 
• Are you going to get a scholorship? 
• How much are your books going to cost next year?
• What are your new years resolutions? 
• Do you still like your therapist?
• Why aren't you ding treatment at the hospital?
• Why don't you want to stay longer? 
• What meds are you on now?
• Why do you need blood work done so often? 
• Is it safe for you to have meds in your room? 
• Why are you taking so many vitamins? 
• Is that enough food for breakfast/lunch/dinner?
• Isn't that a lot of food?
• Are you going to purge that? 
• Where did all our alcohol go? 

-Niqi

xoxo

I'm ginormous

I'm ginormous.
A big piece of lard.
Expanding every day at an exponential speed.
I lose a pound yet it looks like I gained 4.
So I lose some more. And more and more.
Until I eat the entire kitchen.
And then start again.
Oh joy.

-Niqi
xoxo

Mindfulness.

To be perfectly honest, I always thought mindfulness was the most ridiculous thing in the world. When I was admitted, I sat through mindfulness groups rolling my eyes and making up elaborate escape plans that would have never worked. But once I got discharged I started to notice some things. Mindfulness is a skill that I have used in the past - I just wasn't aware of it. However, my mindfulness activities are different then the average.
I struggled with mindful breathing, and yoga and those types of activities. I could not stop my brain from wandering and ended up having panic attacks after those activities.
But some of my other coping strategies became a lot more effective when I viewed them as mindfulness activities.

Some of my most common "mindfulness" strategies are:
- listening to music
This one is perhaps more obviously mindful listening..

-knitting
So I suppose that this could be considered mindful movement. However I like to watch netflix at the same time, which means I am not 100% in the moment. The focus I have on the knitting needes help me focus all my brain energy into something, while allowing myself to get carried away into whatever tv show I'm watching.

-making bracelets
This is pretty similar to knitting for me, but you should go check out the bracelet project on tumblr. Its a great mental health awareness project and it gives me a purpose to the bracelets I'm making.

-gymnastics and dance
Both if these sports require 100℅ total focus. I find it so much easier to be mindful when my life depends on it then when I'm sitting on a yoga mat.

-puzzles
I love math. Hence why I'm a math major. Sitting down and doing a sudoku or similar puzzle is one of the best ways for me to be in the moment. I'm sure word searches or crosswords work just as well for those more language bases people!

Basically, what I'm trying to say, is that the skills they teach you in DBT can be used in so many ways. I have fought with my therapist with regards to weather or not I was practicing my skills or not, when in reality I wasn't practicing them in her way.
Some people need yoga and bubble baths to clear their heads, while others need to punch a boxing bag or do puzzles.

-Niqi
Xoxo

Fucking therapy

I love my therapist. 

Well I did.
I might hate her now. 

Yesterday, I was really proud of myself, told her how I was feeling and ended up in the ER for 'suicidal threats and behaviours'. They let me out. I emailed her to see if I could talk to her today specifically about ways I could lift my mood and strategies to get through the holidays. 

Did I get help and support? 

No. 

I got a fucking lecture. 

I got told that I don't have my priorities right. Well too bad it's my life. 

I was accused of lying because my university timetable got changed. I don't control the fucking schedule.

Apparently I'm not committed enough to recovery. Well I'm 18, live alone and choosing to see you every other week, so I'm pretty damn sure that I'm trying. 

I really want to cancel my appointments in January. 

I don't want to go back. 

More triggered then ever. Every time she tells me I can't do something, I want to spit in her face and say watch me. 

So watch me she will. 

I will be skinny, smart, successful and powerful. She did do one thing right. I have motivation to live again because I need to prove her wrong. 

-Niqi

xoxo 

Burnt out too soon

A week and half too soon.
10 days to be exact.
4 more finals to write and I'm already done.
Ready to throw in the towel.

I'm crying myself to sleep.
Wondering when this will end.
Feeling, tired and worthless.

I starve myself to deal with the stress.
But how can I concentrate when I have no food?

10 days. You can do it. 10 days.

-Niqi
xoxo

Pre exams

Exam one is today. In one hour and 50 minutes. Honestly, I feel okay. I'm starting with the easy one. How bad can it be? We get two hours to answer 60multiple choice. Our midterm was 30 multiple choice and I finished in 15 minutes.
Deep breaths Niqi. Its going to be okay. Breathe in, breathe out. I made the smart decision of taking our my anxiety at the gym this morning. Start burning off the remaining 4.2lbs of the 5 I gained over the past week. God I hate my body right now.

Anyways, I'm actually writing this while on a stationary bike. I hate writing exams not in the morning. 90% of the time my good mood only lasts in the morning. I'm in a good mood now, but who knows if it will last through the exam.... Stupid BPD. The worst is not knowing how you're going TP feel. I feel great now, which means I could also feel great tonight or I could trip over a rock and become suicidal. So please good mood.. Last until 2:30pm. That's all I need from you. I'm pumping you with endorphins, I'll hydrate you and I'm even going to feed you (!!). Just continue feeling good until after my exam!

-Niqi
xoxo

Falling off

I'm stuck.
Trapped in a land between reality and fantasy.
Where broken hearts become physically tired.
Where more time is spent in the bathroom than with friends.
Getting out is harder then anything you've ever imagined.
It's like falling 50ft off a tight rope.
Try getting back up.
It's anything but impossible.
And if you don't get back in a certain time, you die.
You get dizzy, and start blacking out.
Your heart starts to flutter, but you aren't in love.
You're dying.
Throwing money in the toilet,
Disappointing your family,
Loosing your friends.
You're stuck.
Lurking between reality and fantasy, life and death.
I want to turn back.
But I can't.
So I resign.

-Niqi
xoxo

Safe study snacks

Exams are coming and I always want to snack while studying.
Here are some good snacks you can snack on without feeling to guilty or leading to binge/purge

- rice cakes (35-60/cake depending on the case)

- chocolate covered espresso beans (216 for 28 pieces, but satisfying and has caffeine. I treat myself with these) (nice caffeine boost, and such a strong flavor I don't want to binge)

- apples (80 each) (give a really good energy boost as well, other fruit works as well!)

- frozen berries (70/cup) eat them frozen and slowly

- veggies (50/cup) with hummus (35/2tbsp if you find the light stuff) or salsa (25/.25 cup) or just some spices (~0)

- Candy canes (50 each) (okay fine nothing good nutritionally, but low cal, no fat, peppermint curbs cravings and takes a long time to eat. If anyone ever finds sugar free candy canes they must let me know ASAP)


Since I'm on the topic, what do you guys eat before exams?
All my exams are in the morning, so my standard is a coffee (~0), apple (80) and oatmeal (130) = 210. More then my normal breakfast intake, but it keeps me satisfied throughout my exam. I also always chew a piece of mint gum while writing, and keep a water bottle with me.

Good luck studying darlings, and remember, if you need to up your cals to focus on school, do so!! You have a break after and can adjust your eating after. Please focus on exams and plan your food so you don't burn out before they end.

-Niqi
xoxo

That's the borderline speaking

Exams are coming. I'm stressed as fuck. So what is my natural response? Let's cut, overdose, throw myself off of buildings, binge and purge or go get drunk.
No Niqi, you don't drink. You know your family has a long history of alcoholics. You don't want to go down that path.
Okay so b/p, cut, overdose or jump off a roof. Well the roof jumping is do risky.. death would be okay but being paralyzed would not. Overdosing would lead you to the hospital and probably on a 72 hr psych hold...
Like always, my options are b/p or cutting. Hence why I do them. Because they are the best option of a list of terrible options.

Niqi, calm down, this isn't you. This is the borderline speaking. It's an episode. Ride the wave, it will pass. I promise. 19 more days to get through. Hold on. Don't fall apart just yet. Try not to bleed out or lose all your electrolytes. Don't get hospitalized until the end of exams. Ideally, don't get hospitalized at all, but hey if you do, try to miss out on 'fun family time' (aka people stuffing their faces until they basically explode) instead of exams that will help my future.

Deep breaths Niqi. You can do this. Ignore the borderline until after exams. You can push it away for 19 more days. That's less then three weeks. 19 days. breathe in breathe out. Don't punch a wall, don't hurt yourself. 19 days. You can do it.

-Niqi
xoxo

Coffee

I either like my coffee black, or super sweet and creamy in a mocha. I don't even want to think about the amount of money and calories I spent on salted caramel mochas this season.

BUT I FOUND THE BEST OF BOTH WORLDS
-1-2c coffee
-2tbsp light hot chocolate powder
-pinch of cinnamon
-1/4c coconut milk

Make the coffee strong, and it tastes like a strong mocha with a kick from the cinnamon. The coconut milk adds flavor and rounds it out. Total calories = 50. Less then half the calories in a grande skinny Starbucks mocha or latte. And if you have good coffee, the coconut really makes it taste better.

So next time you're having the "I need to binge on Starbucks" feeling (that I get a lot..), here is a satisfying low cal solution.

-Niqi
xoxo

Fat piece of shit

I'm a fat piece of shit.
Stupid worthless fat piece of shit.
Why am I even here?
Why do I bother.
I work my ass off. For what? A fucking 51% on my physics midterm?
I try to recover. For what? To relapse even worse then I ever did before?
I just want to give up.
Fall into a black abyss.
Leave forever.

-Niqi
xoxo

Back in control

I'm finally back on track
Although its a narrow track
I seem to be doing okay
Its like walking a tight rope
But I'm successful
I can keep moving forward
Without falling down
But one small push
One wrong step
A gust of wind
Will have me falling
Down
Down
Down
Back down to rock bottom
And I'm scared
That was a bad place
And I don't want to go back

-Niqi

xoxo

I can't

I can't anymore.
I can't wake up and pretend to be happy.
Force down a banana trying not to think of all the calories turning into fat.
Down a couple coffees to get through my day.
Put on makeup - no a mask.
Paste on a smile and get to campus.
Get through my classes, trying not to break down.
Because they just re-enforce how stupid I am.
Run home and binge and binge.
Do some homework then purge and purge.
Because the only time I feel is good is after that purging high.
But I can't do this anymore.
I'm done.

-Niqi
xoxo

Home sweet home

I wasn't in a binge mood today. But I felt like I should. I went home for my long weekend, and decided to be a waste to not binge since I had all this food available to me. Something is seriously wrong with me.
Not to mention that it's Halloween and the party I'm going to tonight is going to be LOADED with Halloween candy. My purging high is so strong right now that I honesty couldn't care less either. Eat, purge, eat, purge. Seems to make all my problems go away.

-Niqi
xoxo

I need to relax

I CAN'T SEEM TO BE ABLE TO RELAX.
My anxiety has been through the roof for the past month. 3 weeks of midterms and so many assignments. So I did what I always do. I ignored my emotions. I shut down that part of my brain. Of course that never leads to any good. Fucking BPD. My impulse goes crazy when I ignore my emotions. I made a lot of stupid decisions. And binged and purged so much. That post purge high is magical.
On the plus side, I did get through most of my midterms reasonably well. I definitely should have done a lot, and I mean A LOT better on physics and linear algebra. But I should still be able to pull of an A+ in every class except for physics. I'm just gonna have to work my ass off. And a B- in physics will still allow me to have an A average.

-Niqi
xoxo

Romanticizing vs glorifying

If you search mia, ana, depression, anxiety, suicide, self harm or any other related word into tumblr, you will find a load of black and white pictures of sad teenagers, and depressing quotes.

You will also find a bunch of people ranting about how terrible it is to romanticize mental illnesses.

Here is my unpopular opinion: Romanticizing mental illness is fine. There is absolutely nothing wrong with it. However there is a BIG problem with glorifying mental illness. The problem is, the difference can be hard to notice.

Romanticizing illnesses is done all the time. From John Green writing romance novels about teens dying with cancer, and a potential suicide in "The Fault in Our Stars" and "Looking for Alaska", to quotes such as "There are lines on your wrists/ like railroad tracks/ and I know exactly where they're going/ but there is no train to heaven" (Unknown), we romanticize illness everyday. It helps us cope. Thinking that we are tragically beautiful, or a purging princess, or a delicate doll helps us hate ourselves less.

The problem occurs when the romanticizing enters that grey section, where illness are glorified, the bad sides pushed aside, and people start wanting eating disorders. I'm talking about people thinking that being depressed means someone is going to save you and help you escape from the dark side. Or thinking that cancer will make you realize exactly what you want in life, and post recovery you will live your life to the fullest.

This isn't how illnesses work. Yes maybe when you are depressed you have that one person who never gives up on you and gives you hope. But you still can't get out of bed everyday, cry yourself to sleep at night, get nightmares, and can't cross the street without secretly hoping that a car will run you over. If you wish you had an eating disorder, stop right now. You will lose your hair, your friends, isolate yourself, and the disease will take control of your brain.

If romanticizing your illness helps you cope. Continue what you are doing. I know that reading poems about people dying, and reading books about beautiful girls who cut themselves but get saved and find themselves with the help of a boy, gives me hope. Makes me think that I'm not just a crazy worthless girl. But please never encourage others to worsen their disorders, and if you find yourself wishing you could have a bit of anorexia or anxiety please stop and read about all the terrible side affects of these diseases.

-Niqi
xoxo

Fucking mood swings

Everything is great. I'm productive, light restricting, exercising and pretending to be functional. I actually start to think that maybe things are turning around. Just maybe I actually am getting better. Maybe my meds do work. Maybe I can overcome this hell. Then bamn. I run into someone or something that triggers me. My old residence manager, my weigh in was bad, I don't lift as much as I wanted to, I ran out of bananas. Literally anything. It could be the tiniest thing. Sometimes it's nothing. And all of a sudden every thing sucks. My skin is itching to be cut, I just want to see blood drip. I want to scratch away at the skin covering my bones. I want to cut the fat off my stomach. I'm losing control. What I crave so much, and strive for every day but now I'm losing it. I leave my house in a fury and jump on the first bus that will take me to a grocery store. Cookie dough, chocolate, oreos, whipped cream, pizza pops, pretzels, peanut butter, and ice cream all go into my basket. Realizing I probably shouldn't be spending this much money on food I know I'm going to purge, I slip some into my coat pockets and bag before heading to the cash register. I have about 20$ left this week for food, since my shopping trips are so small from restricting during my good days. I spend it all. I start eating on the bus ride home, doing my best to seem in control and not shoving food in my face as fast as I can. I get back to my house hoping to run down to my room before my housemates see me and start a conversation. I'm so fucking inpatient. They've gotten good at noticing when I'm not doing well. I run down to the basement and through the curtains into my room, hoping that no one decides to go play video games in the adjacent room. I sit down and open boxes of cookies and peanut butter and realize I forgot cutlery. Screw it. I dip the cookie in peanut butter, put a piece of chocolate on top and spray out some whipped cream. I take a bite. Finally. Relief. I feel so damn great now. I eat more and more until I am no longer in control. My stomach no longer wants food, but my brain still does. I head to the bathroom and purge a bit so I can shove more food in. This repeats until I get into the shower for my final purge. I purge and purge as burning hot waters sprays onto my back. Drinking water coming out of the shower head to avoid big clumps of food coming out that will clog the drain. When I'm finally empty, the sense of security comes back to me. I'm in control. I can do whatever I want. I get out of the shower, put some clothes on and go back to my homework, or practice as if nothing had happened. This lasts a couple of hours until I start having flashbacks to all the food I ate, how I lost control, how pathetic I am, reach for my blade, lighter or simply start scratching. I then give up. Pop a couple pills and head to bed, so the monster in my head will calm down for a bit. Maybe tomorrow will be better I tell myself as I drift into sleep.

-Niqi
xoxo

I'll feed on caffeine and knowledge

Classes have started

Assignments piling up

No time to sleep 

No time to eat

Grab your coffee and

Don't be late

Who needs sleep 

When you have caffeine

Who needs food 

When you're feasting on knowledge

Live in a haze

High on caffeine 

From those sleepless nights

High on endorphins

From running to class

High on purging

All your bad dreams

Keep on pushing

Never stop

Just don't burn out

Until the end of the term

-Niqi
xoxo

Why bother

I don't see why I should bother. I try to get better, and I get knocked down. I binge and feel relief. Purge and feel power. Restrict and feel control. I don't know how to get those addicting feelings without my destructive cycles.
But why bother? I'll live a shorter life filled with emotions caused my ED. But at least those emotions will include relief, power and control instead of sadness, fear and stress.
We are all addicted to something that takes away the pain.
Don't take from me what I use to take away the pain.
Please understand.
I can't recover. I just can't.

-Niqi
xoxo