binge purge

It's been a rough couple of days.

The day before yesterday I did terrifically with food! Ate balanced meals, had protein, did a very positive grocery shopping trip. But then things started to fall apart.

Sunday was okay, until the end of the day. I was with a group doing a practice thesis presentation and it ran much longer than expected, so I ended up very hungry. My boyfriend and I went out for dinner after and by the time the food came I was just ridiculously hungry. I had a lovely veggie burger in a lettuce bun and some sweet potato fries. I wasn't going to purge. I wasn't. But I had to go to the bathroom and when I got there I just thought, why not?

Of course last nights incident triggered binging and purging today. Two sessions. And I missed a class because of this. And I had dairy.

I'm picking up my broken pieces now, trying to hold myself together enough to get a bit of work done and then go to gymnastics. I ate dinner - two burritos with veggie ground beef, salsa and lettuce. I didn't want to eat or train tonight, but I know it will put me in a better mindset. I know the effect gymnastics has on my mood, and I need that boost in mood. I also know that I'm very impulsive right now, and gymnastics is a safe outlet for my impulses.

Food laws

I won food today. I was doing a lot better at the end of November and beginning of December but lapsed over the holidays. Today was awesome though.
Breakfast: 1c cereal, 1/2c almond milk
Lunch: spinach feta wrap and two source yogurts
Dinner: ginger sesame salad, two protein bars

No binging. No purging.

I've been really struggling lately with the new law in Ontario where every chain restaurant has to have their calories posted in their menu. I had a melt down yesterday over hot chocolate while skating. This law is bullshit. I've gotten into Facebook arguements about it, which have dine nothing but anger me. I've signed petitions that have so far done no good.

I'm sick of being triggered just by living.
How is someone supposed to get better in a society like this?

Best of 2016

2016 has been a shit year for many, including myself. But great writing tends to emerge during difficult times. Here are what I consider to be my top 15 pieces from 2016.

15. reflections from the hospital


14. Days Weeks Months Years


13. Why they need to get rid of atypical anorexia


12. To the girl who thinks she's smarter than this


11. #eatittobeatit


10. This one's for the girl


9. My depression is ugly


8. Faking perfection


7. Thinspo: video (no images, don't worry)


6. How to help a suicidal friend


5. Orthorexia


4. 7 things I want you to know as you're staring into the toilet bowl


3. A week with borderline personality disorder


2. Counting down (link to buy my poetry book, one of my greatest accomplishments so far)


1. Cat pictures (because my cat is the best thing that has happened to me this year)

Clean: day 2

Once again, a day where I didn't binge and purge.

It's been a while since I've had two clean days in a row, but this is what hard work, dedication, and a shit tonne of support can do. I'm so grateful for my boyfriend who has been letting me sleep over at his house.

It was a tough day, I'm not going to lie. I got a test back and received 31% so I was really wanting to binge and purge. I went home instead and talked it out with my roommate.

I also went to a symposium on female athlete triad. There was a lot that I didn't know and it was really interesting, but also quite upsetting, as I have a lot of the symptoms and didn't realize. It's tough coming to terms that maybe I have more symptoms than I thought. Yes binging and purging is my main problem, but do I have problems with exercise as well? I never thought so because it's such a positive experience for me, but I also will compensate with exercise. I definitely need to focus on the binging and purging first, and if exercise helps me get through it, then I will use it as a coping mechanism. Once the binging and purging is under control I'll tackle my thoughts surrounding exercise.

I also had a really good chat with my mom in the evening. I told her how I failed my test and how the thoughts were very overwhelming. She calmed me down and reminded me that the test won't affect my grade (my prof offers a 100% final). I also came clean to her about how bad my bulimia had gotten, and how hard it was to turn things around. I told her about how it felt as though I was in withdrawal and how hard it was to function. Again, she was extremely supportive. I've never confided that much in my mom so it felt really good to do so.

Clean: day 1

I'd say it's day one of recovery if I was fully committed to eating fear foods, gaining weight, etcetera. But I'm not. Im simply determined to stop binging and purging. If this means I need to maintain my weight for a bit then so be it. Ideally though, once I'm clean for a bit I'll go back to trying to lose.

Today was hard. The second my roommate left for her afternoon class the binge urges hit. I ended up barricading myself in my room watching Netflix until she came home. Once she was home I told her not to let me out of the house. I couldn't do anything. I felt like I was in withdrawal. I was shaking, anxious, tired but couldn't sleep, and unable to focus. I had two protein bars before gymnastics and had a light practice. I got dropped off at my boyfriend's so that I can essentially be babysat all night. I gave him my wallet so that I can't buy any food tomorrow until after class, when I'll get my daily clif bar after tutoring.

All I'm hoping for at this point is that tomorrow is easier. All I want to do is binge and purge. The urges are so so high. But I must power through them.

What I ate Wednesday

As I work on quitting binging and purging, my therapist encouraged me to go back to keeping a journal to keep myself accountable for what I'm eating, and how often I'm binging and purging.

I thought I'd share my food journal with you every Wednesday.

So, yesterday I ate:

• 1c yogurt and berries
• 1 clif bar
• Diet hot chocolate and a candy cane
• 1/2 cup egg whites with 1 tbsp pesto
• 1 grande skinny mocha
• 4 vector protein bars
• NO BINGES OR PURGES!!!

All of this came to about 1600 calories. I'd like to point out that I LOST on this many calories. I'm currently trying to maintain, and I wanted to point out how many calories your body requires. 

stigma

I've been asked why all my poetry is about mental health.

I write about mental illness because it has almost killed me.
I write about mental illness because it might still kill me.
I write about mental illness for those who can't.
But most of all, I write about mental illness because of the stigma.

Don't try to tell me that the stigma is gone. Don't tell me the stigma is gone when my prof rolled his eyes when I told him that I couldn't finish my assignment on time because of a major depressive episode. Don't tell me the stigma is gone when the crisis worker I was talking to shuffled backwards when I mentioned my borderline personality disorder. Don't tell me the stigma is gone when my old housemate told me I couldn't be anorexic because I have meat on my bones. Don't tell me the stigma is gone when my academic adviser told me that university is supposed to be stressful and I just need to get over my anxiety.

It's the stigma that causes so many to not seek help. People are dying from illnesses that can be managed with ongoing treatment because they're too embarrassed to seek help. People are dying from illnesses that can be managed with ongoing treatment because they can't afford the treatment. My provincial insurance covers medical doctors but not therapists. Try telling me the stigma is gone when treatment for cancer is covered but treatment for depression isn't.

The only time my therapy was covered by provincial insurance was when I was in a locked ward. Think about that for a second. My therapy was only covered when I was locked away from society. As if they only wanted to help me when I couldn't run wild. Tell me again that the stigma is gone, when it assumed that humans with mental illnesses are a danger to society when the statistics show that someone who suffers from mental illness is more likely to be a victim of a violent crime then to be the perpetrator.

When considering taking time off of school to go to treatment, my social worker asked me if I would take time off school if I had cancer.
Of course, I replied.
Then why are you treating this any differently?
Because I'm scared of what grad schools will think if I take time off for mental illness.

Tell me again that the stigma is gone.
I dare you.

Orthorexia

It started with lunch, whole grain bread, skinless chicken and spinach sandwiches. Fruit flavored yogurt as desert. Hitting all four food groups with one perfectly balanced meal, before going out for a 10 mile run.
Dinner was brown rice, broccoli and salmon., with a smoothie on the side.

Common meals that nutritionists eat, hitting those 7 servings of fruit and veggies every day. Getting recipes from Pinterest, and smiling as I indulged in a burger every so often.

I heard somewhere that it was healthier to be a vegetarian, and I really like animals, so I cut out red eat then chicken the fish. My lunch became whole grain bread, eggs and spinach. dinner was brown rice, broccoli and tofu. Things were good. I could eat work and play, running 12 miles a day. I felt healthier and knew I wasn't hurting animals.

Turns out that all animal products are bad, and cows and chickens are tortured for milk and eggs, so I said bye to the yogurt and cheese and the eggs. I was being healthier right? And saving the world at the same time. Everyone looked up to me, my discipline, my health, my care for the planet. I was down to running 8 miles per day but I was unstoppable. I was eating my whole grain bread, more than seven servings of fruits and vegetables a day and almond milk has the same nutrients as cow milk right?

That was all well and good until I found out gluten was bad because now I'm eating oatmeal with berries three times a day, and dry leaves on a plate when I go out with friends. I'm making cakes that taste like chalk from recipes off of Pinterest, but the girls posing beside the cake look so happy and radiant so if I eat the same things I'll look the same way, right?  My friend's are annoyed cause I can't have a beer but that's okay because alcohol slows down my five mile runs.

Did you know that humans used to only eat raw, and that's better for you because the nutrients don't get cooked out. And I swear it's possible to eat normally with only raw foods, using zucchini as pasta, and you can make your own granola out from seeds and agave. It takes me a couple hours to prepare every meal, so I have to work from home, and I can never go out to eat, so I never go out with friends. I finish my three mile run with a cup of green tea to fully detoxify my body. I'm broke because of the money I'm spending on dates, and no one wants to take me out on a date, because what do you do with a girl who won't eat anything?

I'm scared to even touch something I can't eat. What if the unhealthiness seeps into my skin. I don't trust others to not cover my food with lard, and I can't have someone watch me eat. I only eat at my white kitchen table scrubbed clean before and after every meal. I haven't gotten my period in month but that's good because I no longer have to take birth control and artificial hormones are bad. I take three times the recommended dose of Omega 3 but my hair is still falling out. I've cut anything processed, anything not pure. I've cut out animals, gluten, fat, friends, family, love, happiness and life. I'm only living for the next meal. I'm terrified of that brown rice, broccoli and salmon dinner I used to have.

I don't run like I used to, I can barely walk a mile, so I lay down in bed and wonder what the hell happened to me.

Playing hooky

My doctor has decided that I need to be weighed once a month to make sure my weight is somewhat stable.

Firstly, if my doctor wants to make sure my weight is stable she should really be weighing me weekly.. my weight fluctuations are so dramatic, that in this month alone, I've gained 10 pounds and lost 4. To my doctor that will just look like I've gained 6 pounds, which she would probably be happy about.

But that's beside the point. I find getting weighed by my doctor extremely triggering. My fucked up eating disorder brain tells me that she'll only care if I'm losing weight. That I have to be underweight for her to care. The problem is, I have evidence to support this. She started paying a lot more attention to me when I lost weight. All of a sudden, she was concerned about me missing my period, isolating myself, ordering blood work and EKGs. I always try to lose weight before my doctors appointments because of this.

Yesterday, when I woke up and had gained a pound from the day before, I decided there was no way I was going in. Instead, I lied in bed all day pouting because I had gained weight. Usually I would go to my doctor and talk through these feelings, but I couldn't stand the idea of being weighed.

I see my psychiatrist on Thursday, and I'm sure I'll get into trouble for skipping yesterday's appointment. And she'll most likely weigh me. But at least that gives me two more days to lose....

'healthy'

I've had some pretty major weight fluctuations over the past month. I lost about 10 lbs over September, and gained them back in October. All these weight fluctuations make gymnastics quite difficult, as I'm not as in touch with my body.

I mentioned this to my training partner today, and she told me that when she saw me a month ago she was quite concerned and that I look much better now. I *know* that she doesn't mean that I look fat now, but that's the only way my brain knows how to take a comment like that.

looking better = looking healthier = looking fatter

I know logically this isn't true. But my brain still believes it.

My body image has gone down drastically as I gained back these ten pounds. I felt a lot better about my body ten pounds ago, and would really like to be at that weight again. But I don't want to look sick. I just want to like what I look like and not cause the rest of the world to panic over my weight. Why is that so difficult?

weight

I've decided I need to maintain.

I've been spending a lot of time trying to lose over the past couple weeks, and all it's done is increase my b/p tendencies, distract me from school and make me absolutely miserable. I'm at a weight I'm content with. I'm not happy, but I'm content. My muscle tone is showing more and more as I continue my gymnastics training. I can't let weight loss be my priority.

In an ideal world, I'd be able to lose weight, ace school and be an elite athlete. That's not possible. I need to prioritize. My first priority is school. My second is gymnastics. And if losing weight gets in the way of either of those I'm going to need to stop.

This is me trying. No I'm not magically recovering. No, I'm not going to stop engaging in behaviours. But this is my trying. This is me trying to get back on track with life, not with weight loss. This is me harm reducing. Don't say I need to do more. Don't say I need to gain, or exercise less or eat a bigger variety of food. Let me do me. This is me trying.

protein bars

This blog post is going to be mostly me ranting about my love hate relationship with protein bars. I will be posting a blog post where I give my review of protein bars over the weekend, but for now I'm just going to rant. I'm in a complaining mood.

OKAY. So protein bars cost about a million dollars a box, and 2 million dollars if you buy them individually. So me, trying to be financially responsible, buys protein bars in boxes. But then I binge on them. And I can't purge them because they cost a million dollars. And they have protein, and I need the protein in my diet. But it was still a binge and I'll hate myself for it for the next week.

Now you're probably thinking, okay Niqi, just don't fucking binge on your protein bars. But when I don't keep binge food in the house, they're the closest thing I have to chocolate bars and so they become my binge food.

And thus, I have to buy my protein bars individually. And spend more money that I don't have.

*sigh*

Fitbit-orexia

Fitbits have gone from being something athlete's wear in order to specialize their training and diets, to a fashion accessory that everyone - from my slightly active family members, to my therapist - are wearing.

But why? 

In most cases, calorie counting is the wrong way to go about dieting. Healthy eating choices, being aware of hunger cues and moderate exercise is the current recommended method to lose weight (if weight loss is needed). It seems that individuals at their set point weights are trying to lose more weight in order to be thin, thinking that thin is synonymous with health. 

Thin and healthy are very different things. In fact, many elite athletes are less 'healthy' than a moderately active individual, due to the strain they put on their body to be at the top of their sport. Looking up to fitness models as inspiration is not the same as looking up to health. Trying to sculpt out a specific body type is actually quite destructive, leading to poor body image. 

What do Fitbits have to do with this?

Many behaviors of those who use Fitbits are similar to eating disorder symptoms. These include: 

• Calorie counting
• Tracking food intake
• Tracking exercise
• Over exercising
• Restricting food intake
• Making up for overeating with excessive exercise
• Having weight loss competitions

We've been tricked by marketing companies that these are good behaviors That these behaviors make us stronger and healthier. They don't. They encourage disordered eating patterns. These behaviors can trigger eating disorders in those who are genetically pre-dispositioned.

There's also the issue of trusting these little devices. Many get very attached to the number they see on their Fitibit. Whether it be how many calories they burned, how many calories they ate, or how many steps they took. How do you know that this is accurate? Waving your arm around makes the device think you took more steps.

When it comes to fitbits, my first thought is of how destructive they can be. I see why they would be helpful in some situations, but I don't think that's the general case. I especially don't think that fitbit competitions should be a part of the system.

If you're planning on getting a fitbit, make sure you're doing it for the right reasons, and that you don't start sliding down a very slippery slope. 

Starbucks

Today I had the unfortunate experience of walking into Starbucks and seeing the calorie content of every drink posted beside the price in the menu.

The nutritional information for Starbucks has been available online for a very long time and is easily accessible for anyone interested.

The posting of the caloric information up on a big board for everyone to see is completely unnecessary and in some cases it can even be harmful. As an individual trying to recover from an eating disorder, I find it quite discouraging to walk into my local coffee store and find calories printed up on the menu. It discourages a healthy relationship with food, and puts emphases on the caloric content instead of the enjoyment and nutritional value of the food.

Not only can this information be harmful to some (and by some I'm referring to the 5% (yes, that's 1 in 20) of the population suffering from an eating disorder), it is actually irrelevant to the majority of the population. A healthy relationship with food should not involve counting calories. A healthy relationship with food should involve eating when hungry and stopping when full, and eating food your body craves and needs.

Counting calories is often considered to be a disordered eating pattern, which Starbucks is now encouraging.

Starbucks has definitely lost a customer today, and I hope they realize the harm that they're causing.

Everyone wants to be thin, nobody wants to be sick

But where do you draw the line?
When does thinness become an illness?

Society puts those with anorexia up on a pedestal. Their so called "self-control" is sought after. But no one wants to be the bulimic. Many are okay being sick, if they can choose their flavor of disease.

Maybe it's because no one realizes the torment of anorexia. No one realizes how destructive and life ruining it is. No one knows how much pain someone with anorexia goes through.

What about the bulimic? It's seen as this bad habit one should be ashamed of. But if you're underweight because of it, truth is people will ask how you did it. They don't want to hear about how you puked your life away, but that's the truth.

You may have tried to 'become anorexic' and developed binge eating disorder instead.

It's like if you wanted lung cancer so you smarted to smoke. But there is no guarantee that you'll develop lung cancer. You might get esophageal or pancreatic cancer instead. You might get no cancer at all.

We, as a society, look up to 'thinspos' or 'fitspos' and spend millions of dollars on weight loss programs and fitness plans, just to look a certain way. We look up to those capable of eating less, thinking they're better and not sick.

There are several reasons someone may be underweight. Many of these reasons are because of illness.

Thinness and success are not synonymous.

Working with food

I work in a kitchen this year, the kitchen in our school pub. I actually quite like it.

My therapist said it's quite common for eating disorder patients to work in the food industry - probably because our obsession with food is so strong, jobs in this industry attract us.

I've only had three shifts so far, but so far it hasn't been triggering at all. I love the work. Yes I get disgusted by the fryers and some of the sauces, but that's no different than before. I love cooking, and it's always been hard to cook with my bulimia, as it would often result in a binge.

This is great - it lets me cook, and keeps me busy, and not allowing my to binge and purge.

Of course, it's easy to say that everything is going great at the beginning. I have another three shifts today, so we'll see how that goes.

Dinner

I'm trying to eat
My dinner but it's
Been 53 minutes
And I'm not even
Half way through this
Bowl of macaroni

My roommate is being
Wonderful  and sweet
Staying with me as I take
Forever to try and eat
Dinner

Food has been hard
Lately, and I'm at a new
Low weight but feel so
Incredibly large. I thought
I was different.

I was warned that as
I lose weight by body image
Would drop, but I thought
That I would be different, that
I would love my new skinny
Body.

I was wrong. I hate
That I can't eat
A 600 calorie dinner
In under an hour. I hate that
I think my boyfriend is
Avoiding me because I'm fat,
And not that he just
Has a lot of work to
Do.

It's now been an hour
And I'm still struggling
Away.

numbers, food, exercising (tw)

I did some research into how many calories I would burn doing various exercises. I definitely thought that I was properly compensating when I was exercising but this research enlightened me. I need to increase my pre and post workout meals dramatically if I want to exercise as much as I plan to.

Is this recovery?

I seem to be heading back to where I was three years ago. Managing an eating disorder driven by anxiety, but fully functioning and very few suicidal thoughts. In terms of my BPD, I still have abandonment issues but I no longer feel the need to engage in extreme behaviors around real or perceived abandonment. I hate to admit it, but a lot of this comes from practicing radical acceptance.
In terms of my depression, I have felt so much better since my meds got adjusted. I feel excited and I also feel low, but I don't feel impulsive when I feel low, so I'm in quite a safer place. My low moods are also a lot less low than they used to be. If there was a scale, where 0 was the worst depression, and 20 was the best mood (and 10 was neutral), I used to bounce between 0 and 20 with no room in the middle. I know feel like on an average day I hover between an 8 and a 12, and on mad days I go from 4 to 16. This is a lot of improvement. I've found a middle ground. I've also learned how relationships should work. I've been with Kyle for over a year and he's incredibly supportive, and I support him when he needs it. Over the summer I needed more support than I was giving, but now that I'm doing better, he's opening a bit more and I'm able to give him more support. I'm still struggling a lot with some family issues, and maybe I should try some radical acceptance worksheets to help with this. But overall, I'm extremely proud of myself.

If I keep this up, I might get through the year positively, learn a lot, and not let my grades suffer. I will become diagnostically clear of BPD, and depression. Of course, I'll need to stay on the meds I'm on for quite some time (maybe forever) and I have no problem with that. If medication is what I need to feel a normal spectrum of emotions, motivate me to do the things I love, and make sure I don't ever hallucinate again, I'm quite happy to continue using them. I take a lot of medication. Then again, I'm very sick, and this amount of medication is what works for me. You wouldn't tell a diabetic to stop taking their insulin once the insulin starts working and they are managing, so don't tell me to stop taking my psych meds if my psych meds are working.

I'm very confident that I won't be overdosing any time soon. I feel comfortable having more meds around the house, and no longer feel the urge to swallow the bottle. I can't wait to get back into the gym and I can't do that if I land myself in hospital again. I can't get to the level I want to get to in gymnastics if I keep overdosing and harming my body in other ways.

I do need to find a balance with my anxiety, bulimia and school work. I've started making meal plans, and I promise I'm trying my best to follow them, but I still get urges to binge and purge (for emotional reasons, after a stressful conversation or triggering event). Last night after a 2am binge, I didn't vomit and I can't seem to allow myself to eat food now. I get home at 8:30 and that will be 18 hours since I've last eaten, and I know I can't allow myself to do this. I plan on having two apples, two bananas and a bowl of oatmeal to make up for it. It will still be low but it will be enough to have a good sleep, and start again with my food plan tomorrow. It's all about trying every single day.

So I know I'm getting better, especially with the DBT and depression aspects. But my anxiety and eating disorder are still very loud. And the strange thing is... I'm okay with that. The anxiety gets me good grades as I over study. The eating disorder gives me control when it doesn't get out of hand.

So is this really recovery?

Assumptions

I went to a restaurant for dinner tonight with my boyfriend. I ordered a quesadilla with fries and he ordered a chicken salad. When the server came to give us our food, she automatically assumed that I ordered the salad.

Why is this assumption made? Must the skinny girl always order a salad? The girl orders a cute little salad and the man orders whatever the fuck he wants?

This shouldn't bother me this much. But I felt so guilty already for ordering what I did, but I knew I needed the calories. She really triggered more of those feelings of guilt and I swear I could see her judging me as I ordered all this fatty food with a diet pepsi.

I wish people would stop making assumptions. This extends beyond waitresses assuming women order salads.

This applies to people assuming that I restrict when what I struggle with most is binging. People hear I have an eating disorder and assume I have anorexia. I got asked by my grandma if I was comfortable having a slice of pie. Yes, I'd be comfortable eating the entire pie if I could purge it.

This applies to people thinking I can't struggle with mental illness because I don't look sick. To people assuming I'm too smart to have an eating disorder. To people assuming that I get by on my looks or that I'm stupid because I have pink hair.

I wish there was just more acceptance and less stereotypes.