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Tampilkan postingan dengan label suicide. Tampilkan semua postingan
Tampilkan postingan dengan label suicide. Tampilkan semua postingan
Jumat, 14 April 2017
Kamis, 02 Februari 2017
Inpatient
Sorry for the lack of posting recently. I'm trying to get back to blogging regularly but I keep sleeping instead.
I've been inpatient for a week now. After planning and starting to go through with my suicide plan the ambulance showed up at my door and picked me up. I'm here involuntarily but I do accept that I need the admission. I still don't want to keep myself safe, and that's scary. It's good to be somewhere where others can do that for me. We're located on the tenth floor of the hospital and everytime I look outside I want to jump. I guess that's proof that I'm not ready to leave.
It's incredibly boring here. I've been trying to keep up with school work but have been really lacking motivation. I'm hoping to be better by reading week, and if that is case I will still be able to catch up with work. There are a couple groups that brings during the day but not very many... And they aren't mandatory which makes it tempting to just lay in bed with Netflix in the background. But I know that won't help me.
Tonight I get to go off the ward with my boyfriend and roommate. I'm going out for dinner, and super excited to have food that isn't hospital food. I'm really craving a binge purge session and it may be inevitable tonight to be honest. I'll try my best though. I'll get to go home and bring some food I'm more comfortable with onto the ward which I'm excited about.
I've put a reminder to blog on my phone. I love writing to you all and definitely feel calmer when I write. This blog is definitely a journal for me.
Senin, 19 Desember 2016
Suicide jokes
I've headed up north to spend some time at my boyfriend's place for the holidays. I went to a big family gathering last night, and it was tough.
One of the first things that was said to me was a joke about slitting my wrists.
I'm quite guilty when it comes to making jokes about mental health. But I always do it when only with a receptive audience. My best friend and I will kid about our mental health a lot, because we both suffer from very similar mental illnesses and dark humor is one of our favorite coping strategies. I'd never make jokes to others though. You don't know what others are going through. And because of that, you should never make jokes unless you know it's okay with that person.
One of the first things that was said to me was a joke about slitting my wrists.
I'm quite guilty when it comes to making jokes about mental health. But I always do it when only with a receptive audience. My best friend and I will kid about our mental health a lot, because we both suffer from very similar mental illnesses and dark humor is one of our favorite coping strategies. I'd never make jokes to others though. You don't know what others are going through. And because of that, you should never make jokes unless you know it's okay with that person.
Sabtu, 15 Oktober 2016
How to support a suicidal friend
1. Listen to them
They feel lost. Things that used to cause them enjoyment seem insignificant to them. Listen to them talk about it. Yes, it may be a "depressing conversation", but they need people to listen. They need away to let their feelings out in a non self destructive way. They need someone to listen and to try to understand that isn't their therapist.
2. Be there.
Whether you're studying beside them in silence, gossiping about whatever else is going on, helping them make a life plan, or lending a shoulder to cry on, just be there. Meet them after class with a coffee. Sometimes they just need someone in the same room to remind them that they aren't alone. Let them hermit when they need to, but be a constant reminder that someone loves them, someone understands them, and that someone genuinely wants to be around them.
3. Invite them out
No matter how many times they say no, keep on inviting them out. It feels worse to not be invited than to say no. Encourage them to partake in things you do to help your mental health. Walk to starbucks to get fresh air, go to the gym to get endorphins, take them out to lunch. Hygiene, exercise and nutrition tend to disappear when one is feeling suicidal, so partaking in activities that encourage these with them is a great way to get outside, help them, and also help yourself.
4. Accept that you aren't in control
You can't always be there. You need to sleep, you have appointments, you have school or work. You can't control what your friend does or think. You can help. You can reinforce positive thoughts and encourage them to get help, but at the end of the day it is their decision. Do not pressure them into making empty promises or to get treatment they aren't ready for. Leave that for medical professionals. It's upsetting to say, but if you have a suicidal friend, they might attempt, and it might be successful. It is not your fault. It is not their fault. It is depression's fault. Do what you can't but accept that you can't fix the situation.
5. Have the tough conversations
If they're on meds, should their meds be in their room? This is more applicable if you live with your friend, but should you be holding on to their meds. Are there any signs you should look out for, and what should you do to help if you notice these signs? Ask them if they're getting help. It isn't your job to make them get help, but have your friend be honest with you as to what steps they're taking.
6. Make the tough decisions
Is your friend completely uncontrollable and you're worried about their safety? If you know that they need to go to the hospital, you need to make the decision to call the paramedics or the police. If you feel comfortable taking them, then take them. Did you find your friend passed out beside a bottle of pills, or asleep and bleeding? Call 911. They might hate you for a bit. But they'll thank you after, and understand why you did it.
7. Take care of yourself
It's not your job to take them. It's your job to take care of you. If you're texting each other but you need to go to bed, let them know they can keep on talking to you and you'll read the messages in the morning. If you can't visit them in the hospital because of bad hospital anxiety, call them. If they're triggering your mental illness, let them know gently, and steer the conversation in an other direction. Feed yourself. Sleep. Go to the gym. You're friend will get better.
They feel lost. Things that used to cause them enjoyment seem insignificant to them. Listen to them talk about it. Yes, it may be a "depressing conversation", but they need people to listen. They need away to let their feelings out in a non self destructive way. They need someone to listen and to try to understand that isn't their therapist.
2. Be there.
Whether you're studying beside them in silence, gossiping about whatever else is going on, helping them make a life plan, or lending a shoulder to cry on, just be there. Meet them after class with a coffee. Sometimes they just need someone in the same room to remind them that they aren't alone. Let them hermit when they need to, but be a constant reminder that someone loves them, someone understands them, and that someone genuinely wants to be around them.
3. Invite them out
No matter how many times they say no, keep on inviting them out. It feels worse to not be invited than to say no. Encourage them to partake in things you do to help your mental health. Walk to starbucks to get fresh air, go to the gym to get endorphins, take them out to lunch. Hygiene, exercise and nutrition tend to disappear when one is feeling suicidal, so partaking in activities that encourage these with them is a great way to get outside, help them, and also help yourself.
4. Accept that you aren't in control
You can't always be there. You need to sleep, you have appointments, you have school or work. You can't control what your friend does or think. You can help. You can reinforce positive thoughts and encourage them to get help, but at the end of the day it is their decision. Do not pressure them into making empty promises or to get treatment they aren't ready for. Leave that for medical professionals. It's upsetting to say, but if you have a suicidal friend, they might attempt, and it might be successful. It is not your fault. It is not their fault. It is depression's fault. Do what you can't but accept that you can't fix the situation.
5. Have the tough conversations
If they're on meds, should their meds be in their room? This is more applicable if you live with your friend, but should you be holding on to their meds. Are there any signs you should look out for, and what should you do to help if you notice these signs? Ask them if they're getting help. It isn't your job to make them get help, but have your friend be honest with you as to what steps they're taking.
6. Make the tough decisions
Is your friend completely uncontrollable and you're worried about their safety? If you know that they need to go to the hospital, you need to make the decision to call the paramedics or the police. If you feel comfortable taking them, then take them. Did you find your friend passed out beside a bottle of pills, or asleep and bleeding? Call 911. They might hate you for a bit. But they'll thank you after, and understand why you did it.
7. Take care of yourself
It's not your job to take them. It's your job to take care of you. If you're texting each other but you need to go to bed, let them know they can keep on talking to you and you'll read the messages in the morning. If you can't visit them in the hospital because of bad hospital anxiety, call them. If they're triggering your mental illness, let them know gently, and steer the conversation in an other direction. Feed yourself. Sleep. Go to the gym. You're friend will get better.
Senin, 05 September 2016
Twice to be gone
I promised to wait
Another ten years, but
The hatred inside
Of me ruined the night
We had plans to see
Each other the
Next day, but I tried
Twice to be gone
I lied and told
You that walks are nice
When I was heading to
The pharmacy
I went to sleep
With hope that I
Would cease
To be
I told you the next day
That I did "Something dumb"
But never told you
To what extent
I took enough to stop
A heart
But your love
Kept mine beating
You brought me a sweater
And gave me a hug
But nothing would make up
For the pain that I caused
The rail road tracks
On the front of my arms
Don't lead to where I want to go
And I tried twice to be gone
I tried to go by failure of
Heart and maybe
That shows how
Much I love you
I can never be
Sorry enough for
What I did and I tried
Twice to be gone
Jumat, 12 Agustus 2016
Reflections from the hospital
"I think being admitted with older patients has really helped my recovery. It helped me realize that I'm still in a that honey moon stage. I'm still at a point where my mental illness gets me love and sympathy when I feel emotionally neglected. It won't continue this way. I've already lost opportunities and independence and it's just going to get worse. I need to stop romanticizing being sick and take it for what it really is: a deadly illness. There really is no choice but to get better.
I think I will always struggle with suicidal ideations because of the way I look at the world. The seemingly lack of purpose will always affect me as I am a driven goal oriented person. But I can use those traits positively. I can use those traits to achieve things in my life. I can use those traits to overcome this illness. Setting consistent goals for myself will be very beneficial and important in both my recovery and general life.
I think I will always struggle with food. I think that my upbringing and experience with gymnastics and goals as an athlete will make food a challenge. But I am now willing to admit the effect that being an athlete has on my eating habits, which is tremendous progress. I believe that through harm reduction I can get myself to a point where I no longer fit the diagnostic criteria for an eating disorer. My goals are still to maintain a low weight and I am unable to let go of that, but I can earn to be balanced and have less disordered patterns. Recovery looks different for everyone and these are the steps I am currently willing to take."
- An exert from my journal
I think I will always struggle with suicidal ideations because of the way I look at the world. The seemingly lack of purpose will always affect me as I am a driven goal oriented person. But I can use those traits positively. I can use those traits to achieve things in my life. I can use those traits to overcome this illness. Setting consistent goals for myself will be very beneficial and important in both my recovery and general life.
I think I will always struggle with food. I think that my upbringing and experience with gymnastics and goals as an athlete will make food a challenge. But I am now willing to admit the effect that being an athlete has on my eating habits, which is tremendous progress. I believe that through harm reduction I can get myself to a point where I no longer fit the diagnostic criteria for an eating disorer. My goals are still to maintain a low weight and I am unable to let go of that, but I can earn to be balanced and have less disordered patterns. Recovery looks different for everyone and these are the steps I am currently willing to take."
- An exert from my journal
Kamis, 04 Agustus 2016
why live
Life goes on. And sometimes that's the problem.
I found out that someone in my school program committed suicide. And nothing seems to have changed.
It makes me wonder, if the sun will still rise and the stars will still shine do we really make an impact. I didn't even hear about the death until a few days later. Life kept on going on. I went to meetings, wrote in my journal, did some math. I ate breakfast lunch and dinner. So did everyone else. Life kept on going. The removal of his life had no effect.
But that's such a broad view. If we zoom in, we see that there's more to it than just that. If we zoom in we see the kid's mother and father unable to leave their bed, devastated by the loss of their son. When we zoom in we see the kids friends, who need to take a year off of school to cope. We see an empty bedroom that won't be entered for months.
When we zoom in we see why we need to live.
We live for the little things, and that's okay.
We live for fresh fruit in the summer, and snow angels in the winter
We live for hugs and kisses by our closes friends
We live for our family, our siblings and those who look up to us
I think one of my many struggles, is that I think too broadly. I ask why instead of why not. I try to find purpose in things that don't need purpose. And that's something I really need to work on.
I found out that someone in my school program committed suicide. And nothing seems to have changed.
It makes me wonder, if the sun will still rise and the stars will still shine do we really make an impact. I didn't even hear about the death until a few days later. Life kept on going on. I went to meetings, wrote in my journal, did some math. I ate breakfast lunch and dinner. So did everyone else. Life kept on going. The removal of his life had no effect.
But that's such a broad view. If we zoom in, we see that there's more to it than just that. If we zoom in we see the kid's mother and father unable to leave their bed, devastated by the loss of their son. When we zoom in we see the kids friends, who need to take a year off of school to cope. We see an empty bedroom that won't be entered for months.
When we zoom in we see why we need to live.
We live for the little things, and that's okay.
We live for fresh fruit in the summer, and snow angels in the winter
We live for hugs and kisses by our closes friends
We live for our family, our siblings and those who look up to us
I think one of my many struggles, is that I think too broadly. I ask why instead of why not. I try to find purpose in things that don't need purpose. And that's something I really need to work on.
Sabtu, 20 September 2014
Romanticizing vs glorifying
If you search mia, ana, depression, anxiety, suicide, self harm or any other related word into tumblr, you will find a load of black and white pictures of sad teenagers, and depressing quotes.
You will also find a bunch of people ranting about how terrible it is to romanticize mental illnesses.
Here is my unpopular opinion: Romanticizing mental illness is fine. There is absolutely nothing wrong with it. However there is a BIG problem with glorifying mental illness. The problem is, the difference can be hard to notice.
Romanticizing illnesses is done all the time. From John Green writing romance novels about teens dying with cancer, and a potential suicide in "The Fault in Our Stars" and "Looking for Alaska", to quotes such as "There are lines on your wrists/ like railroad tracks/ and I know exactly where they're going/ but there is no train to heaven" (Unknown), we romanticize illness everyday. It helps us cope. Thinking that we are tragically beautiful, or a purging princess, or a delicate doll helps us hate ourselves less.
The problem occurs when the romanticizing enters that grey section, where illness are glorified, the bad sides pushed aside, and people start wanting eating disorders. I'm talking about people thinking that being depressed means someone is going to save you and help you escape from the dark side. Or thinking that cancer will make you realize exactly what you want in life, and post recovery you will live your life to the fullest.
This isn't how illnesses work. Yes maybe when you are depressed you have that one person who never gives up on you and gives you hope. But you still can't get out of bed everyday, cry yourself to sleep at night, get nightmares, and can't cross the street without secretly hoping that a car will run you over. If you wish you had an eating disorder, stop right now. You will lose your hair, your friends, isolate yourself, and the disease will take control of your brain.
If romanticizing your illness helps you cope. Continue what you are doing. I know that reading poems about people dying, and reading books about beautiful girls who cut themselves but get saved and find themselves with the help of a boy, gives me hope. Makes me think that I'm not just a crazy worthless girl. But please never encourage others to worsen their disorders, and if you find yourself wishing you could have a bit of anorexia or anxiety please stop and read about all the terrible side affects of these diseases.
-Niqi
xoxo
You will also find a bunch of people ranting about how terrible it is to romanticize mental illnesses.
Here is my unpopular opinion: Romanticizing mental illness is fine. There is absolutely nothing wrong with it. However there is a BIG problem with glorifying mental illness. The problem is, the difference can be hard to notice.
Romanticizing illnesses is done all the time. From John Green writing romance novels about teens dying with cancer, and a potential suicide in "The Fault in Our Stars" and "Looking for Alaska", to quotes such as "There are lines on your wrists/ like railroad tracks/ and I know exactly where they're going/ but there is no train to heaven" (Unknown), we romanticize illness everyday. It helps us cope. Thinking that we are tragically beautiful, or a purging princess, or a delicate doll helps us hate ourselves less.
The problem occurs when the romanticizing enters that grey section, where illness are glorified, the bad sides pushed aside, and people start wanting eating disorders. I'm talking about people thinking that being depressed means someone is going to save you and help you escape from the dark side. Or thinking that cancer will make you realize exactly what you want in life, and post recovery you will live your life to the fullest.
This isn't how illnesses work. Yes maybe when you are depressed you have that one person who never gives up on you and gives you hope. But you still can't get out of bed everyday, cry yourself to sleep at night, get nightmares, and can't cross the street without secretly hoping that a car will run you over. If you wish you had an eating disorder, stop right now. You will lose your hair, your friends, isolate yourself, and the disease will take control of your brain.
If romanticizing your illness helps you cope. Continue what you are doing. I know that reading poems about people dying, and reading books about beautiful girls who cut themselves but get saved and find themselves with the help of a boy, gives me hope. Makes me think that I'm not just a crazy worthless girl. But please never encourage others to worsen their disorders, and if you find yourself wishing you could have a bit of anorexia or anxiety please stop and read about all the terrible side affects of these diseases.
-Niqi
xoxo
Senin, 01 September 2014
#NoBingeSept
Happy September.
As I have previously, said, this is going to be my month. It has to be. There is a twitter challenge #NoBingeSept, in which you give up one of your binge/triggering foods and support each other to not binge. I will be tweeting all my meals and be there to support everyone participating. I also posted my starting picslip. Although this is a twitter challenge, I will be discussing my journey through this month here in order to talk about it in more detail.
My goals for this month aren't weight loss. I mean weight loss is a constant goal of mine, but that isn't my reason to not binge. I lose weight while binging and purging, but it ruins my electrolytes. I want to be healthier, save my heart, and stop having dizzy spells.
I will be giving up chocolate for the month. This is going to be insanely hard, but I am hoping that I can then re-introduce chocolate to my diet without binging. Fingers crossed this will work.
I was planning on grocery shopping today, but of course it is labour day and all stores are clothes. This has ruined my meal plan for today, but I am doing my best to stay in control and eat well all day. So far so good.
I wish you all the very best September, and follow my Twitter too see all my meals (and my normal rambling regarding my ED, BPD, depression, anxiety etc)
-Niqi
xoxo
As I have previously, said, this is going to be my month. It has to be. There is a twitter challenge #NoBingeSept, in which you give up one of your binge/triggering foods and support each other to not binge. I will be tweeting all my meals and be there to support everyone participating. I also posted my starting picslip. Although this is a twitter challenge, I will be discussing my journey through this month here in order to talk about it in more detail.
My goals for this month aren't weight loss. I mean weight loss is a constant goal of mine, but that isn't my reason to not binge. I lose weight while binging and purging, but it ruins my electrolytes. I want to be healthier, save my heart, and stop having dizzy spells.
I will be giving up chocolate for the month. This is going to be insanely hard, but I am hoping that I can then re-introduce chocolate to my diet without binging. Fingers crossed this will work.
I was planning on grocery shopping today, but of course it is labour day and all stores are clothes. This has ruined my meal plan for today, but I am doing my best to stay in control and eat well all day. So far so good.
I wish you all the very best September, and follow my Twitter too see all my meals (and my normal rambling regarding my ED, BPD, depression, anxiety etc)
-Niqi
xoxo
Minggu, 24 Agustus 2014
September plans
I have big plans for September. This year is going to be my year.
I created the 888 challenge for myself.
8 hours of sleep. 11pm-7am consistently. The only way I can get through a day of school and gymnastics is with enough sleep. It also helps the cravings go away, and reduces my urge to binge :) :)
8 hours of studying. This may seem like a lot, but I'm including class time. Every day from 8:30-4:30 I am going to be focused on my classes. I'm going to ace all of them. Who runs the world? me.
800kcal. Realistically, I'd like to be able to up this to 1200, but I'm not at a point where I can eat that much and not purge. At 800, I don't feel the need to binge (most days), and I have enough energy to get through the day. I also eat a protein bar before going to gymnastics as 'fuel'. It doesn't count as food, I don't put it in my daily calorie count, and I do my best not to think about it. I know that 800 won't be sustainable in the long run, but if I start here, I won't purge as much, and hopefully save my heart. Then I will slowly increase my calorie count, until I am hopefully maintaining a weight that I feel comfortable with, and is relatively healthy. I've been using my ED as a coping mechanism for so long, that I'm not ready to let go of it just yet. I know that half assing recovery won't do me any good, but I'm working really hard to overcome my depression, SH, and suicidal ideations first. Once I have a will to live, maybe I'll want to get healthy. But when you have no desire to live, it is pretty hard to care about your physical health.
I'm hoping with this regularity, I'll be able to keep myself semi-sane and not end up in IP treatment again. That's the goal. (As well as world domination and straight A's of course..)
-Niqi
xoxo
I created the 888 challenge for myself.
8 hours of sleep. 11pm-7am consistently. The only way I can get through a day of school and gymnastics is with enough sleep. It also helps the cravings go away, and reduces my urge to binge :) :)
8 hours of studying. This may seem like a lot, but I'm including class time. Every day from 8:30-4:30 I am going to be focused on my classes. I'm going to ace all of them. Who runs the world? me.
800kcal. Realistically, I'd like to be able to up this to 1200, but I'm not at a point where I can eat that much and not purge. At 800, I don't feel the need to binge (most days), and I have enough energy to get through the day. I also eat a protein bar before going to gymnastics as 'fuel'. It doesn't count as food, I don't put it in my daily calorie count, and I do my best not to think about it. I know that 800 won't be sustainable in the long run, but if I start here, I won't purge as much, and hopefully save my heart. Then I will slowly increase my calorie count, until I am hopefully maintaining a weight that I feel comfortable with, and is relatively healthy. I've been using my ED as a coping mechanism for so long, that I'm not ready to let go of it just yet. I know that half assing recovery won't do me any good, but I'm working really hard to overcome my depression, SH, and suicidal ideations first. Once I have a will to live, maybe I'll want to get healthy. But when you have no desire to live, it is pretty hard to care about your physical health.
I'm hoping with this regularity, I'll be able to keep myself semi-sane and not end up in IP treatment again. That's the goal. (As well as world domination and straight A's of course..)
-Niqi
xoxo
Minggu, 10 Agustus 2014
Talking out of suicide
TW*I know many get really strong suicidal ideations, and once you decide to act on them it can be impossible to go back. However over the past couple days, I've started overdosing, and stopped half way through. The last times I tried to overdose in order to kill myself, I felt like absolute crap for a couple days, and that was it. I didn't actually cause my body any serious harm - I just threw up like crazy until the toxic amounts where out of my system. Of course the effects of an OD depends on the types and quantities of medications taken, so please take all your medications as prescribed and nothing else.*TW
But I started taking some OTC medication today. I had done extensive research and new exactly how much I would have needed to take to get the desired effects. I was hoping to cause damage, but not die. I promised my family that I wouldn't die. I honestly got bored and didn't want to spend all night puking. Somehow that wasn't the self destruction I was looking for. The slightest doubt I had made me stop. I guess the past 10 months of therapy have been doing something. I can guarantee that if this was even one month ago, I would have taken all the pills I had, even though I knew I would just end up throwing up all night. I know that my family may not consider this progress, but the fact that I was able to talk myself out of an overdose is very good progress for me.
I see my therapist on Wednesday, so I need to find the strength in me to pull through until then.
I made a list of little things to do and keep myself busy with, until then so that I stay safe.
-watch the perseids
-knit a headband
-make some bracelets for the #braceletproject
-dance
-go to starbucks whenever I feel like crap
-read
-paint my room
-make tea
-bubble bath
-paint nails
-put on a face mask/teeth whitening strips (this is super effective to stop bingeing as well!)
-I also have letters that spell LIVE that I'm going to hang in my room. Each one is going to be collaged with pictures of one of my siblings (I have four). Once it's complete I will have a beautiful reminder of why I must live.
-Niqi
xoxo
But I started taking some OTC medication today. I had done extensive research and new exactly how much I would have needed to take to get the desired effects. I was hoping to cause damage, but not die. I promised my family that I wouldn't die. I honestly got bored and didn't want to spend all night puking. Somehow that wasn't the self destruction I was looking for. The slightest doubt I had made me stop. I guess the past 10 months of therapy have been doing something. I can guarantee that if this was even one month ago, I would have taken all the pills I had, even though I knew I would just end up throwing up all night. I know that my family may not consider this progress, but the fact that I was able to talk myself out of an overdose is very good progress for me.
I see my therapist on Wednesday, so I need to find the strength in me to pull through until then.
I made a list of little things to do and keep myself busy with, until then so that I stay safe.
-watch the perseids
-knit a headband
-make some bracelets for the #braceletproject
-dance
-go to starbucks whenever I feel like crap
-read
-paint my room
-make tea
-bubble bath
-paint nails
-put on a face mask/teeth whitening strips (this is super effective to stop bingeing as well!)
-I also have letters that spell LIVE that I'm going to hang in my room. Each one is going to be collaged with pictures of one of my siblings (I have four). Once it's complete I will have a beautiful reminder of why I must live.
-Niqi
xoxo
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