exceptional

I used to want to be exceptional. Better then everyone. Competitive. Driven. I knew that to be the best you had to beat the best. 

I've lost that drive. I don't want to be exceptional anymore. I just want to be normal. I would give up what I'm good at to not be sick. And I've never felt this way before. 

I've always thought I'd be okay being miserable as long as I was exceptional. I'm not anymore. I'm tired, I'm worn out, and I just don't care. That scares me. That shows me how badly I'm doing.

Changes

I lost a bunch of weight the first week of being in hospital. Then I lost nothing for the next three weeks. I'm so frustrated. Why can't I just be skinny.

I've decided to go vegan. I'm going to go at it slowly. First of all, I'm not eating eggs. That's step one. Once I get discharged I'm going to off dairy. I'm hoping it helps me. I don't know with what.

I saw the following picture floating around twitter:

I don't know where to start. So I'm just going to start making changes. And we'll see what happens.

Anxiety

Today I had a meeting with my thesis supervisor that I didn't end up going to.

I walked up to his office to go talk to him, and two other people were in his office. I panicked. I was too anxious to knock on his door knowing I was interrupting something so I left the building and went to work at my boyfriend's.

I know I should have knocked. He told me to go in and see him which meant he was expecting me. He was okay with my coming in. But my anxiety just couldn't handle it. It was all too much.

Otherwise, today was a really good day. It started off rough - I needed an extra nap and group challenged me to think about where I'm at with my hospitalization and school. But it started looking up.

I had a productive appointment with my doctor. He said I should try to find something to do that I'm not competitive about. Even with writing, I'm always looking at how many blog views I have, or how many people watch my poetry on YouTube. With gymnastics, I'm always focused on the upcoming competition. With school, the focus is on grades. I can't seem to stop comparing myself from others.

I'm thinking of making coloring my thing. Coloring isn't competitive. You just color. It's a good mindful activity as well. I wish Netflix watching could be my thing. But apparently that doesn't count.

Reading week

It's now reading week. Since I haven't been going to classes for the past three weeks it doesn't make much of a difference for me but it does mean that I'm not getting further behind. I'm hoping to catch up this week so I can return to classes on Monday. We'll see though. 

This has been my longest hospitalization so far, and I still don't feel ready to go home. I want to drink and take sleeping pills and drift away into the dark abyss. I don't want to be here anymore. I'm just so damn sick of it.

I just don't want to hurt others. One of the reasons I'm so fucked up is watching my dad and stepmom be sick and having my stepmom pass away. I don't want to be the reason my loved ones are fucked up. I don't want them to have to go through what I'm going through. 

One of my goals for this week is to read more. Not just math, but fiction. I want to reread all the Harry Potters, and finally attack Game of Thrones. If anyone has any book suggestions please let me know!

psych ward drama

Psych ward drama is always exciting... until you're a part of it. Then it's terrible.

My roommate who takes my stuff has become a nightmare. The good news is, she is no longer my roommate. The bad news is, it took her being violent with me before they moved the rooms around.

It started when she first moved in. I walked into my room and found my tablet on her bed, and she was wearing my scarf. The next morning I woke up to her going through my backpack. That afternoon she had put my laptop in her cupboard and taken my tablet again, along with a lipbalm and some stevia.
I finally got a nurse to take me seriously and gave me the key to lock my dresser. The girl gave me a friendship bracelet, and sat with me. Things seemed to be going okay.
Then that night, she took my container of nuts and started eating them. When I walked into my room she asked me if it was okay that she had taken some nuts. I said sure, but asked her to ask me first next time. She started mocking me and stormed out of the room.
Due to a spat between me and my bestfriend/housemate on top of what was going on with my psych ward roommate I took some ativan before going to sleep.
I woke up at midnight to her kicking my shin. Now I have shin splints so this was extremely painful. She left the room, and I followed her out to go talk to a nurse. I grabbed my tablet and phone with me in order to not get them stolen. She kept on talking about how I'm a bitch and a whore. She saw me following her and turned around and went at me, pushing me against the wall. Being stronger than her I managed to get around her but before I knew it I was pinned up against the other wall. I yelled out stop so that the nurses would come over.
The nurses came out and asked what was going on. She claimed that I had woken her up and taken her things. The nurses figured out pretty quickly that that isn't what happened. They sent her back to her room and I slept in the comfort room.

Today things seem to have sorted themselves out. She got moved to the locked back unit. I got a new roommate, who is the sweetest most wonderful lady. I'm still terrified though. I was happily eating lunch in the lunch room when she walked in. My heart rate rose immediately and I had to leave the room, finishing my lunch in my room.

I hate not being able to feel safe in a safe place.  

Tattoo

I've been either too depressed or too busy to write. I've noticed some improvements in myself over the past week, but I still don't feel safe being discharged. I'm still going to be here for at least another week, so I'm hoping I start feeling safer over the next week. I really want to get discharged, but I'm not sure if I want to get discharged so that I can kill myself, or so I can go back to my normal life.

Monday is a holiday, so I have three days I can spend at home, as long as I come back for the nights. I'm hoping to make it through most of the day, but we'll see what happens. Yesterday I had a pass to go to classes and talk to my profs, and I lost it in the middle of the math building. I got very suicidal and really struggled. I ended up having to cancel on my friend, and headed back to the hospital a couple hours early.

I'm really glad that next week is reading week. I've been trying to keep up but it has been difficult to do so. I'm constantly behind scrambling to balance taking care of myself and doing school work. It's hard to find a balance. I guess that's one of the reasons why I am here - to learn to find a balance.

My new roommate is awful. I woke up to her going through my stuff. Yesterday, I walked into my room and she was wearing my scarf. I'm extremely unimpressed. I've asked to switch rooms a few times now and I'm hoping that the change happens soon.

This has been my longest hospitalization, and quite honestly I need it. I'm really struggling at the moment. Although I'm less suicidal than I was, I still don't feel completely safe.

I met the most wonderful woman here, we became friends almost instantly. We actually have plans to go get tattoos together in the beginning of march! Here's what I want to get done.

purge

TW *I had the WORST binge and purge session today. It was horrendous. Massive nose bleed, coughing up blood, not drinking enough water before hand. It took me fifteen minutes to purge as suppose to my usual thirty seconds. I now feel faint. I'm laying in med watching some gymnastics and trying to get my heart to calm down. I know I should drink an ensure, but my brain is yelling at me.


My hospitalization is going alright. I'm feeling a lot better today then I was over the past few days. I had a really bad pass two days ago. After some productive time at home, cleaning and cooking, I suddenly had the urge to take all my ativan. I went to grab the bottle, and there was nothing left. I guess I had already taken it all during the overdose that landed me in the hospital.

Yesterday I had all my privileges revoked due to my near overdose the day before. It didn't matter much as I spent all day in bed asleep. One of those days, with an incredibly low mood. The lack of coffee didn't help either.

Today was a lot better. I started my morning off with a coffee and some coloring.Taking some time off of school work to color and chat with friends from the ward was very nice. I spent some time doing some algebra homework, but haven't been pushing myself too hard with regards to school today. I'm here for a reason. I need to let myself rest.

rejection letter

I applied for a job that would have been perfect for me. It was to be a teaching assistant for gifted students in the states - in exactly my area of research. I interviewed on Friday. Today I got the news that I didn't get the job.

When you have borderline personality disorder everything has so much meaning. I didn't get the job. Therefore I'm a failure. Therefore I'm never going to have anything good in my life. Therefore I should give up on school. Therefore I should die.

I know logically it makes no sense. But to me it does. I take rejection hard. I know that these people are strangers, but I got rejected by them. No one wants me.

I'm supposed to be working on my thesis. I lost all motivation.

I want to smash my head into the wall. Maybe that would improve my brain function considering how dumb I apparently am.

Breakdown

I had a day pass with my mom yesterday. She was kind enough to drive the three and a half hours from her place to mine in order to come visit me.

It was lovely. We did some work at my favorite Starbucks (the one in the book store) and went to see a movie. We saw hidden figures which was absolutely amazing, I highly recommend it, especially if you're interested in physics/math/engineering. We then stopped at my house so I could pet my cat and pack up some food to bring to the hospital.

I had a breakdown coming back from the hospital. I asked my mom if she could let me die. I told her that everything was just too difficult and that I couldn't handle it. We cried and hugged and she told me how much she loves me and how she doesn't want to see me go. I really didn't want to go back to the hospital. I was given a glimpse at real life again and then had to let it go. I hate being here. I hate that I'm not safe enough to not be here. I hate that I'm depressed, anxious, borderline and bulimic. I hate that I was dealt these cards. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I just want to go home and play with my cat and do math at my desk and go to classes and go to gymnastics and have a life. I don't have one right now.

Outing

My outing from the hospital went really well last night. My boyfriend and I went out for dinner and had a marvelous time. I only had two hours off the unit, so I didn't have time to go home and drop stuff off like I had hoped, but I was able to enjoy a meal outside of the hospital. My best friend brought me back to the unit after a quick Starbucks stop.

My boyfriend has been incredibly supportive these past few weeks. I had suicide plans on my mind for over a week and he held me tight as I fought through those thoughts. After my attempt, he visited me in the hospital, has been sending me encouraging texts, and has been keeping me up to date with events around the math department.

I can't say as much with regards to my best friend. Me hitting my rock bottom caused her a lot of stress, but she wasn't able to manage it properly. She isolated herself and wasn't supportive. It was really frustrating for me because when the roles were reversed I was by her side 100%. We didn't talk for two days after my admission. We usually don't go two hours without talking to each other. Things have blown over now, but I definitely still am holding a grudge. She was incredibly rude to me when the ambulance came to pick me up and I really could have used some support.

I'm glad my outing went well and that I was able to enjoy time out with two of the most important people in my life. I'm feeling more confident in my abilities to keep myself safe, however I know I'm not ready to leave the hospital yet. When I look out the window I still want to jump. And being accompanied on my time out of the hospital is still definitely necessary. But I'm starting to feel better. They increased my prozac and that has definitely had a positive effect. But I need to give it some time for the medicine to fully kick in and have full effect.

Inpatient

Sorry for the lack of posting recently. I'm trying to get back to blogging regularly but I keep sleeping instead.

I've been inpatient for a week now. After planning and starting to go through with my suicide plan the ambulance showed up at my door and picked me up. I'm here involuntarily but I do accept that I need the admission. I still don't want to keep myself safe, and that's scary. It's good to be somewhere where others can do that for me. We're located on the tenth floor of the hospital and everytime I look outside I want to jump. I guess that's proof that I'm not ready to leave.

It's incredibly boring here. I've been trying to keep up with school work but have been really lacking motivation. I'm hoping to be better by reading week, and if that is case I will still be able to catch up with work. There are a couple groups that brings during the day but not very many... And they aren't mandatory which makes it tempting to just lay in bed with Netflix in the background. But I know that won't help me.

Tonight I get to go off the ward with my boyfriend and roommate. I'm going out for dinner, and super excited to have food that isn't hospital food. I'm really craving a binge purge session and it may be inevitable tonight to be honest. I'll try my best though. I'll get to go home and bring some food I'm more comfortable with onto the ward which I'm excited about.

I've put a reminder to blog on my phone. I love writing to you all and definitely feel calmer when I write. This blog is definitely a journal for me.