I won food today. I was doing a lot better at the end of November and beginning of December but lapsed over the holidays. Today was awesome though.
Breakfast: 1c cereal, 1/2c almond milk
Lunch: spinach feta wrap and two source yogurts
Dinner: ginger sesame salad, two protein bars
No binging. No purging.
I've been really struggling lately with the new law in Ontario where every chain restaurant has to have their calories posted in their menu. I had a melt down yesterday over hot chocolate while skating. This law is bullshit. I've gotten into Facebook arguements about it, which have dine nothing but anger me. I've signed petitions that have so far done no good.
I'm sick of being triggered just by living.
How is someone supposed to get better in a society like this?
Tampilkan postingan dengan label osfed. Tampilkan semua postingan
Tampilkan postingan dengan label osfed. Tampilkan semua postingan
Minggu, 08 Januari 2017
Senin, 31 Oktober 2016
'healthy'
I've had some pretty major weight fluctuations over the past month. I lost about 10 lbs over September, and gained them back in October. All these weight fluctuations make gymnastics quite difficult, as I'm not as in touch with my body.
I mentioned this to my training partner today, and she told me that when she saw me a month ago she was quite concerned and that I look much better now. I *know* that she doesn't mean that I look fat now, but that's the only way my brain knows how to take a comment like that.
looking better = looking healthier = looking fatter
I know logically this isn't true. But my brain still believes it.
My body image has gone down drastically as I gained back these ten pounds. I felt a lot better about my body ten pounds ago, and would really like to be at that weight again. But I don't want to look sick. I just want to like what I look like and not cause the rest of the world to panic over my weight. Why is that so difficult?
I mentioned this to my training partner today, and she told me that when she saw me a month ago she was quite concerned and that I look much better now. I *know* that she doesn't mean that I look fat now, but that's the only way my brain knows how to take a comment like that.
looking better = looking healthier = looking fatter
I know logically this isn't true. But my brain still believes it.
My body image has gone down drastically as I gained back these ten pounds. I felt a lot better about my body ten pounds ago, and would really like to be at that weight again. But I don't want to look sick. I just want to like what I look like and not cause the rest of the world to panic over my weight. Why is that so difficult?
Kamis, 27 Oktober 2016
weight
I've decided I need to maintain.
I've been spending a lot of time trying to lose over the past couple weeks, and all it's done is increase my b/p tendencies, distract me from school and make me absolutely miserable. I'm at a weight I'm content with. I'm not happy, but I'm content. My muscle tone is showing more and more as I continue my gymnastics training. I can't let weight loss be my priority.
In an ideal world, I'd be able to lose weight, ace school and be an elite athlete. That's not possible. I need to prioritize. My first priority is school. My second is gymnastics. And if losing weight gets in the way of either of those I'm going to need to stop.
This is me trying. No I'm not magically recovering. No, I'm not going to stop engaging in behaviours. But this is my trying. This is me trying to get back on track with life, not with weight loss. This is me harm reducing. Don't say I need to do more. Don't say I need to gain, or exercise less or eat a bigger variety of food. Let me do me. This is me trying.
I've been spending a lot of time trying to lose over the past couple weeks, and all it's done is increase my b/p tendencies, distract me from school and make me absolutely miserable. I'm at a weight I'm content with. I'm not happy, but I'm content. My muscle tone is showing more and more as I continue my gymnastics training. I can't let weight loss be my priority.
In an ideal world, I'd be able to lose weight, ace school and be an elite athlete. That's not possible. I need to prioritize. My first priority is school. My second is gymnastics. And if losing weight gets in the way of either of those I'm going to need to stop.
This is me trying. No I'm not magically recovering. No, I'm not going to stop engaging in behaviours. But this is my trying. This is me trying to get back on track with life, not with weight loss. This is me harm reducing. Don't say I need to do more. Don't say I need to gain, or exercise less or eat a bigger variety of food. Let me do me. This is me trying.
Kamis, 29 September 2016
Starbucks
Today I had the unfortunate experience of walking into Starbucks and seeing the calorie content of every drink posted beside the price in the menu.
The nutritional information for Starbucks has been available online for a very long time and is easily accessible for anyone interested.
The posting of the caloric information up on a big board for everyone to see is completely unnecessary and in some cases it can even be harmful. As an individual trying to recover from an eating disorder, I find it quite discouraging to walk into my local coffee store and find calories printed up on the menu. It discourages a healthy relationship with food, and puts emphases on the caloric content instead of the enjoyment and nutritional value of the food.
Not only can this information be harmful to some (and by some I'm referring to the 5% (yes, that's 1 in 20) of the population suffering from an eating disorder), it is actually irrelevant to the majority of the population. A healthy relationship with food should not involve counting calories. A healthy relationship with food should involve eating when hungry and stopping when full, and eating food your body craves and needs.
Counting calories is often considered to be a disordered eating pattern, which Starbucks is now encouraging.
Starbucks has definitely lost a customer today, and I hope they realize the harm that they're causing.
The nutritional information for Starbucks has been available online for a very long time and is easily accessible for anyone interested.
The posting of the caloric information up on a big board for everyone to see is completely unnecessary and in some cases it can even be harmful. As an individual trying to recover from an eating disorder, I find it quite discouraging to walk into my local coffee store and find calories printed up on the menu. It discourages a healthy relationship with food, and puts emphases on the caloric content instead of the enjoyment and nutritional value of the food.
Not only can this information be harmful to some (and by some I'm referring to the 5% (yes, that's 1 in 20) of the population suffering from an eating disorder), it is actually irrelevant to the majority of the population. A healthy relationship with food should not involve counting calories. A healthy relationship with food should involve eating when hungry and stopping when full, and eating food your body craves and needs.
Counting calories is often considered to be a disordered eating pattern, which Starbucks is now encouraging.
Starbucks has definitely lost a customer today, and I hope they realize the harm that they're causing.
Senin, 26 September 2016
Everyone wants to be thin, nobody wants to be sick
But where do you draw the line?
When does thinness become an illness?
Society puts those with anorexia up on a pedestal. Their so called "self-control" is sought after. But no one wants to be the bulimic. Many are okay being sick, if they can choose their flavor of disease.
Maybe it's because no one realizes the torment of anorexia. No one realizes how destructive and life ruining it is. No one knows how much pain someone with anorexia goes through.
What about the bulimic? It's seen as this bad habit one should be ashamed of. But if you're underweight because of it, truth is people will ask how you did it. They don't want to hear about how you puked your life away, but that's the truth.
You may have tried to 'become anorexic' and developed binge eating disorder instead.
It's like if you wanted lung cancer so you smarted to smoke. But there is no guarantee that you'll develop lung cancer. You might get esophageal or pancreatic cancer instead. You might get no cancer at all.
We, as a society, look up to 'thinspos' or 'fitspos' and spend millions of dollars on weight loss programs and fitness plans, just to look a certain way. We look up to those capable of eating less, thinking they're better and not sick.
There are several reasons someone may be underweight. Many of these reasons are because of illness.
Thinness and success are not synonymous.
When does thinness become an illness?
Society puts those with anorexia up on a pedestal. Their so called "self-control" is sought after. But no one wants to be the bulimic. Many are okay being sick, if they can choose their flavor of disease.
Maybe it's because no one realizes the torment of anorexia. No one realizes how destructive and life ruining it is. No one knows how much pain someone with anorexia goes through.
What about the bulimic? It's seen as this bad habit one should be ashamed of. But if you're underweight because of it, truth is people will ask how you did it. They don't want to hear about how you puked your life away, but that's the truth.
You may have tried to 'become anorexic' and developed binge eating disorder instead.
It's like if you wanted lung cancer so you smarted to smoke. But there is no guarantee that you'll develop lung cancer. You might get esophageal or pancreatic cancer instead. You might get no cancer at all.
We, as a society, look up to 'thinspos' or 'fitspos' and spend millions of dollars on weight loss programs and fitness plans, just to look a certain way. We look up to those capable of eating less, thinking they're better and not sick.
There are several reasons someone may be underweight. Many of these reasons are because of illness.
Thinness and success are not synonymous.
Jumat, 02 September 2016
numbers, food, exercising (tw)
I did some research into how many calories I would burn doing various exercises. I definitely thought that I was properly compensating when I was exercising but this research enlightened me. I need to increase my pre and post workout meals dramatically if I want to exercise as much as I plan to.
Senin, 15 Agustus 2016
Pro ana
I made a post before titled "what the pro ana community has done for me". I was wrong when I wrote that. I didn't have the right impression of what pro ana is. I was talking about the eating disorder support community on social media. This community that does not push recovery, but does not encourage relapse. The community that supports you no matter what stage you're at with your illness, and allows you to vent. It's basically like a support group you can access at any time via social media. Yes, it can be triggering at times, because numbers are often mentioned (which isn't allowed in normal support groups), but letting out specifics really helps people vent.
I got a direct message on twitter today that said:
I'd like to point out, before I get hate messages for this, I do not suffer from body dysmorphia. Yes, I still have an eating disorder. Yes, I still want to lose weight. But I am capable of seeing myself accurately compare to other people. I am aware that I am on the low end and quite thin. I am aware that losing more weight will make me unhealthy and not 'look' good as society would put it. Yet, I still want to.
Now, there are so many things wrong with this message that I got other than the fact that it's rude, insulting, and ruined my day. Because I was extremely triggered and insulted, I went and looked at this person's account, and it was quite pro-ana, even though she claimed it was not. This account bragged about their BMI, had all their goal weights listed, and their description read "FOR ANAS&MIAS ONLY". Now I can't see their tweets as they are a protected account, and I have no desire to follow someone who would send me those messages, so maybe they're not what I think they are.. but that's the impression I got.
I'm also not sure how this person knows what my BMI is. I had a blog post when my BMI hit 18.5 and how I felt about that, but it's been a while since then, and drastic weight fluctuations are common in eating disorders, especially bulimia. For all they know, I could be over or under weight now. I won't even get into how inaccurate BMI is. But as a muscular girl, my "healthy or ideal" BMI is higher than that of the average built person.
I'm not too sure where I was going with this article, other than there are mean people out there and to watch for this. You can say that you aren't promoting anything, and you may not be directly telling anyone to starve or to puke, but you're directly triggering someone and I don't think that's okay. I love the eating disorder support community, and have accidentally called it "pro-ana" but that's not what it is. The "pro-ana" community is a very different disgusting community, and gives the support community a bad name because of the slight overlap.
If you'd like to read my post about what the eating disorder community has done for me, you can find it here.
I got a direct message on twitter today that said:
"U think ur 1 of the thinnest? Um ur bmi is still normal... Get a grip on reality. Ur thin and beautiful not skinny or the thinnest"This was after I tweeted about a conference I was at - I felt like I was the dumbest, but I felt like one of the thinnest. I was upset that I had these thoughts. I know it doesn't matter and it was highlighted at this conference. My weight doesn't get me anywhere special. All these other students with higher weights were smarter and getting more out of the conference than I was. My other tweets went on to explain these thoughts.
I'd like to point out, before I get hate messages for this, I do not suffer from body dysmorphia. Yes, I still have an eating disorder. Yes, I still want to lose weight. But I am capable of seeing myself accurately compare to other people. I am aware that I am on the low end and quite thin. I am aware that losing more weight will make me unhealthy and not 'look' good as society would put it. Yet, I still want to.
Now, there are so many things wrong with this message that I got other than the fact that it's rude, insulting, and ruined my day. Because I was extremely triggered and insulted, I went and looked at this person's account, and it was quite pro-ana, even though she claimed it was not. This account bragged about their BMI, had all their goal weights listed, and their description read "FOR ANAS&MIAS ONLY". Now I can't see their tweets as they are a protected account, and I have no desire to follow someone who would send me those messages, so maybe they're not what I think they are.. but that's the impression I got.
I'm also not sure how this person knows what my BMI is. I had a blog post when my BMI hit 18.5 and how I felt about that, but it's been a while since then, and drastic weight fluctuations are common in eating disorders, especially bulimia. For all they know, I could be over or under weight now. I won't even get into how inaccurate BMI is. But as a muscular girl, my "healthy or ideal" BMI is higher than that of the average built person.
I'm not too sure where I was going with this article, other than there are mean people out there and to watch for this. You can say that you aren't promoting anything, and you may not be directly telling anyone to starve or to puke, but you're directly triggering someone and I don't think that's okay. I love the eating disorder support community, and have accidentally called it "pro-ana" but that's not what it is. The "pro-ana" community is a very different disgusting community, and gives the support community a bad name because of the slight overlap.
If you'd like to read my post about what the eating disorder community has done for me, you can find it here.
Minggu, 07 Agustus 2016
Jumat, 22 Juli 2016
The first food incident
Since it's flashback Friday, I thought I'd share the story about the first time I remember struggling with food.
At this point I hadn't developed my eating disorder, and the trauma that really affected my life had yet to happen. I was living in California, bouncing between my mom's and dad's place.
My parents have very different ideas when it comes to how to feed children. My mom believed that children had to be taught healthy eating. I didn't have much choice as to what I ate, and fruits or veggies had to be included in every meal. I wasn't allowed to leave the table until I finished my plate. My dad had the opposite belief. He believed that the body would regulate itself, and crave what it wants. That children will figure out how much to eat and what to eat if they're left mostly up to their own devices. I didn't get much a say in dinner, but if I didn't want to eat it that was okay. If I wanted a peanut butter sandwich instead, that was fine.
I spent most of my time growing up with my mom. Sometimes I think if I had spent more time with my dad if wouldn't have developed an eating disorder. Sometimes I think my eating disorder would have been a lot worse with all the freedom I had.
The first time I remember crying over food was when I was about 5. My mom had served me crackers, cheese and an apple for snack. I ate the crackers and cheese first, and was then too full for the apple. I wasn't allowed to leave the table until I finished, so when my mom left the room to go to the washroom I threw my apple in the trash. When my mom came back, she figured something fishy was up and checked the trash. When she saw my apple, she pulled it out, re washed it, and made me eat it. I was in tears. I just couldn't eat the apple. It took me about an hour to eat this apple. I don't know why I remember this so vividly, but it's my first recollection of food being an enemy.
I hope you're all having a good Friday. Sunday's post will be filled with pictures of me at the wedding I'm going to tomorrow, so stay posted to see my newly died hair.
Sabtu, 20 Desember 2014
I'm ginormous
I'm ginormous.
A big piece of lard.
Expanding every day at an exponential speed.
I lose a pound yet it looks like I gained 4.
So I lose some more. And more and more.
Until I eat the entire kitchen.
And then start again.
Oh joy.
-Niqi
xoxo
A big piece of lard.
Expanding every day at an exponential speed.
I lose a pound yet it looks like I gained 4.
So I lose some more. And more and more.
Until I eat the entire kitchen.
And then start again.
Oh joy.
-Niqi
xoxo
Mindfulness.
To be perfectly honest, I always thought mindfulness was the most ridiculous thing in the world. When I was admitted, I sat through mindfulness groups rolling my eyes and making up elaborate escape plans that would have never worked. But once I got discharged I started to notice some things. Mindfulness is a skill that I have used in the past - I just wasn't aware of it. However, my mindfulness activities are different then the average.
I struggled with mindful breathing, and yoga and those types of activities. I could not stop my brain from wandering and ended up having panic attacks after those activities.
But some of my other coping strategies became a lot more effective when I viewed them as mindfulness activities.
I struggled with mindful breathing, and yoga and those types of activities. I could not stop my brain from wandering and ended up having panic attacks after those activities.
But some of my other coping strategies became a lot more effective when I viewed them as mindfulness activities.
Some of my most common "mindfulness" strategies are:
- listening to music
This one is perhaps more obviously mindful listening..
- listening to music
This one is perhaps more obviously mindful listening..
-knitting
So I suppose that this could be considered mindful movement. However I like to watch netflix at the same time, which means I am not 100% in the moment. The focus I have on the knitting needes help me focus all my brain energy into something, while allowing myself to get carried away into whatever tv show I'm watching.
So I suppose that this could be considered mindful movement. However I like to watch netflix at the same time, which means I am not 100% in the moment. The focus I have on the knitting needes help me focus all my brain energy into something, while allowing myself to get carried away into whatever tv show I'm watching.
-making bracelets
This is pretty similar to knitting for me, but you should go check out the bracelet project on tumblr. Its a great mental health awareness project and it gives me a purpose to the bracelets I'm making.
This is pretty similar to knitting for me, but you should go check out the bracelet project on tumblr. Its a great mental health awareness project and it gives me a purpose to the bracelets I'm making.
-gymnastics and dance
Both if these sports require 100℅ total focus. I find it so much easier to be mindful when my life depends on it then when I'm sitting on a yoga mat.
Both if these sports require 100℅ total focus. I find it so much easier to be mindful when my life depends on it then when I'm sitting on a yoga mat.
-puzzles
I love math. Hence why I'm a math major. Sitting down and doing a sudoku or similar puzzle is one of the best ways for me to be in the moment. I'm sure word searches or crosswords work just as well for those more language bases people!
I love math. Hence why I'm a math major. Sitting down and doing a sudoku or similar puzzle is one of the best ways for me to be in the moment. I'm sure word searches or crosswords work just as well for those more language bases people!
Basically, what I'm trying to say, is that the skills they teach you in DBT can be used in so many ways. I have fought with my therapist with regards to weather or not I was practicing my skills or not, when in reality I wasn't practicing them in her way.
Some people need yoga and bubble baths to clear their heads, while others need to punch a boxing bag or do puzzles.
Some people need yoga and bubble baths to clear their heads, while others need to punch a boxing bag or do puzzles.
-Niqi
Xoxo
Xoxo
Jumat, 19 Desember 2014
Fucking therapy
I love my therapist.
Well I did.
I might hate her now.
I might hate her now.
Yesterday, I was really proud of myself, told her how I was feeling and ended up in the ER for 'suicidal threats and behaviours'. They let me out. I emailed her to see if I could talk to her today specifically about ways I could lift my mood and strategies to get through the holidays.
Did I get help and support?
No.
I got a fucking lecture.
I got told that I don't have my priorities right. Well too bad it's my life.
I was accused of lying because my university timetable got changed. I don't control the fucking schedule.
Apparently I'm not committed enough to recovery. Well I'm 18, live alone and choosing to see you every other week, so I'm pretty damn sure that I'm trying.
I really want to cancel my appointments in January.
I don't want to go back.
More triggered then ever. Every time she tells me I can't do something, I want to spit in her face and say watch me.
So watch me she will.
I will be skinny, smart, successful and powerful. She did do one thing right. I have motivation to live again because I need to prove her wrong.
-Niqi
xoxo
Kamis, 04 Desember 2014
Falling off
I'm stuck.
Trapped in a land between reality and fantasy.
Where broken hearts become physically tired.
Where more time is spent in the bathroom than with friends.
Getting out is harder then anything you've ever imagined.
It's like falling 50ft off a tight rope.
Try getting back up.
It's anything but impossible.
And if you don't get back in a certain time, you die.
You get dizzy, and start blacking out.
Your heart starts to flutter, but you aren't in love.
You're dying.
Throwing money in the toilet,
Disappointing your family,
Loosing your friends.
You're stuck.
Lurking between reality and fantasy, life and death.
I want to turn back.
But I can't.
So I resign.
-Niqi
xoxo
Trapped in a land between reality and fantasy.
Where broken hearts become physically tired.
Where more time is spent in the bathroom than with friends.
Getting out is harder then anything you've ever imagined.
It's like falling 50ft off a tight rope.
Try getting back up.
It's anything but impossible.
And if you don't get back in a certain time, you die.
You get dizzy, and start blacking out.
Your heart starts to flutter, but you aren't in love.
You're dying.
Throwing money in the toilet,
Disappointing your family,
Loosing your friends.
You're stuck.
Lurking between reality and fantasy, life and death.
I want to turn back.
But I can't.
So I resign.
-Niqi
xoxo
Selasa, 02 Desember 2014
Safe study snacks
Exams are coming and I always want to snack while studying.
Here are some good snacks you can snack on without feeling to guilty or leading to binge/purge
- rice cakes (35-60/cake depending on the case)
- chocolate covered espresso beans (216 for 28 pieces, but satisfying and has caffeine. I treat myself with these) (nice caffeine boost, and such a strong flavor I don't want to binge)
- apples (80 each) (give a really good energy boost as well, other fruit works as well!)
- frozen berries (70/cup) eat them frozen and slowly
- veggies (50/cup) with hummus (35/2tbsp if you find the light stuff) or salsa (25/.25 cup) or just some spices (~0)
- Candy canes (50 each) (okay fine nothing good nutritionally, but low cal, no fat, peppermint curbs cravings and takes a long time to eat. If anyone ever finds sugar free candy canes they must let me know ASAP)
Since I'm on the topic, what do you guys eat before exams?
All my exams are in the morning, so my standard is a coffee (~0), apple (80) and oatmeal (130) = 210. More then my normal breakfast intake, but it keeps me satisfied throughout my exam. I also always chew a piece of mint gum while writing, and keep a water bottle with me.
Good luck studying darlings, and remember, if you need to up your cals to focus on school, do so!! You have a break after and can adjust your eating after. Please focus on exams and plan your food so you don't burn out before they end.
-Niqi
xoxo
Here are some good snacks you can snack on without feeling to guilty or leading to binge/purge
- rice cakes (35-60/cake depending on the case)
- chocolate covered espresso beans (216 for 28 pieces, but satisfying and has caffeine. I treat myself with these) (nice caffeine boost, and such a strong flavor I don't want to binge)
- apples (80 each) (give a really good energy boost as well, other fruit works as well!)
- frozen berries (70/cup) eat them frozen and slowly
- veggies (50/cup) with hummus (35/2tbsp if you find the light stuff) or salsa (25/.25 cup) or just some spices (~0)
- Candy canes (50 each) (okay fine nothing good nutritionally, but low cal, no fat, peppermint curbs cravings and takes a long time to eat. If anyone ever finds sugar free candy canes they must let me know ASAP)
Since I'm on the topic, what do you guys eat before exams?
All my exams are in the morning, so my standard is a coffee (~0), apple (80) and oatmeal (130) = 210. More then my normal breakfast intake, but it keeps me satisfied throughout my exam. I also always chew a piece of mint gum while writing, and keep a water bottle with me.
Good luck studying darlings, and remember, if you need to up your cals to focus on school, do so!! You have a break after and can adjust your eating after. Please focus on exams and plan your food so you don't burn out before they end.
-Niqi
xoxo
Selasa, 18 November 2014
To eat or not to eat
That is the question.
But it's not the only question.
See if the answer is no, then I have to plan my day around that. Are I going to drink? If so, zero cal drinks or any drinks? Or just water? What about electrolytes? Are Powerade drops acceptable? Is crystal light cheating? It's zero cals but I'm basically eating fruit salad. At least flavour wise. But I probably couldn't live without my crystal light. What about gum? If I chew it for an hour it makes up for the calories in it? How vigorously do I need to chew it? What about broth? Is broth a food or a drink? It has a lot of sodium, so how many glasses of water do I make myself drink for every cup of broth? And if broth is a drink, what about a brothy soup? A vegetable soup only adds about 30cals to the broth, but then it's loaded with vitamins. So is that okay?
What if I do eat? How many meals? One large one or several small? Carbs or no carbs? Fat or no fat? Do I count spices in my calorie count? How much do I workout? Do I count net calories or total calories? What about bloating? Do I indulge in a treat? If I do, should I purge? What if I overeat healthy food? I feel guilty for purging but it needs to come out. What about laxing? How many? What type? What am I doing in 12 hours? I could always say fuck it and just binge and purge. But how much money am I willing to spend? What time do I need to go out to buy food so my housemates don't notice me coming back with cartons of icecream, cookies, and frozen pizzas. What if my gag reflex stops again and I can't get it all out?
This runs through my mind every second of every minute of every day.
So the next time you tell me that it's easy, that I should just eat a balanced diet, or that I'm not trying hard enough shut the hell up.
It's not that easy.
I keep my days filled with school work and extra-curriculars so that my brain doesn't have time to panic about food. I eat while doing work, because if not, there is no way that meal will stay down. I study best when I'm hungry, because that is when my self esteem is at it's highest.
I'm trying. I really am.
But this has become who I am. I'm taking baby steps, taming the monster.
Honestly, the best thing you can do for me is not comment. If I bring it up, that's fine. If not, be quiet.
-Niqi
xoxo
But it's not the only question.
See if the answer is no, then I have to plan my day around that. Are I going to drink? If so, zero cal drinks or any drinks? Or just water? What about electrolytes? Are Powerade drops acceptable? Is crystal light cheating? It's zero cals but I'm basically eating fruit salad. At least flavour wise. But I probably couldn't live without my crystal light. What about gum? If I chew it for an hour it makes up for the calories in it? How vigorously do I need to chew it? What about broth? Is broth a food or a drink? It has a lot of sodium, so how many glasses of water do I make myself drink for every cup of broth? And if broth is a drink, what about a brothy soup? A vegetable soup only adds about 30cals to the broth, but then it's loaded with vitamins. So is that okay?
What if I do eat? How many meals? One large one or several small? Carbs or no carbs? Fat or no fat? Do I count spices in my calorie count? How much do I workout? Do I count net calories or total calories? What about bloating? Do I indulge in a treat? If I do, should I purge? What if I overeat healthy food? I feel guilty for purging but it needs to come out. What about laxing? How many? What type? What am I doing in 12 hours? I could always say fuck it and just binge and purge. But how much money am I willing to spend? What time do I need to go out to buy food so my housemates don't notice me coming back with cartons of icecream, cookies, and frozen pizzas. What if my gag reflex stops again and I can't get it all out?
This runs through my mind every second of every minute of every day.
So the next time you tell me that it's easy, that I should just eat a balanced diet, or that I'm not trying hard enough shut the hell up.
It's not that easy.
I keep my days filled with school work and extra-curriculars so that my brain doesn't have time to panic about food. I eat while doing work, because if not, there is no way that meal will stay down. I study best when I'm hungry, because that is when my self esteem is at it's highest.
I'm trying. I really am.
But this has become who I am. I'm taking baby steps, taming the monster.
Honestly, the best thing you can do for me is not comment. If I bring it up, that's fine. If not, be quiet.
-Niqi
xoxo
Sabtu, 08 November 2014
Fat piece of shit
I'm a fat piece of shit.
Stupid worthless fat piece of shit.
Why am I even here?
Why do I bother.
I work my ass off. For what? A fucking 51% on my physics midterm?
I try to recover. For what? To relapse even worse then I ever did before?
I just want to give up.
Fall into a black abyss.
Leave forever.
-Niqi
xoxo
Stupid worthless fat piece of shit.
Why am I even here?
Why do I bother.
I work my ass off. For what? A fucking 51% on my physics midterm?
I try to recover. For what? To relapse even worse then I ever did before?
I just want to give up.
Fall into a black abyss.
Leave forever.
-Niqi
xoxo
Selasa, 04 November 2014
Back in control
I'm finally back on track
Although its a narrow track
I seem to be doing okay
Its like walking a tight rope
But I'm successful
I can keep moving forward
Without falling down
But one small push
One wrong step
A gust of wind
Will have me falling
Down
Down
Down
Back down to rock bottom
And I'm scared
That was a bad place
And I don't want to go back
Although its a narrow track
I seem to be doing okay
Its like walking a tight rope
But I'm successful
I can keep moving forward
Without falling down
But one small push
One wrong step
A gust of wind
Will have me falling
Down
Down
Down
Back down to rock bottom
And I'm scared
That was a bad place
And I don't want to go back
-Niqi
xoxo
Minggu, 02 November 2014
I can't
I can't anymore.
I can't wake up and pretend to be happy.
Force down a banana trying not to think of all the calories turning into fat.
Down a couple coffees to get through my day.
Put on makeup - no a mask.
Paste on a smile and get to campus.
Get through my classes, trying not to break down.
Because they just re-enforce how stupid I am.
Run home and binge and binge.
Do some homework then purge and purge.
Because the only time I feel is good is after that purging high.
But I can't do this anymore.
I'm done.
-Niqi
xoxo
I can't wake up and pretend to be happy.
Force down a banana trying not to think of all the calories turning into fat.
Down a couple coffees to get through my day.
Put on makeup - no a mask.
Paste on a smile and get to campus.
Get through my classes, trying not to break down.
Because they just re-enforce how stupid I am.
Run home and binge and binge.
Do some homework then purge and purge.
Because the only time I feel is good is after that purging high.
But I can't do this anymore.
I'm done.
-Niqi
xoxo
Jumat, 31 Oktober 2014
Home sweet home
I wasn't in a binge mood today. But I felt like I should. I went home for my long weekend, and decided to be a waste to not binge since I had all this food available to me. Something is seriously wrong with me.
Not to mention that it's Halloween and the party I'm going to tonight is going to be LOADED with Halloween candy. My purging high is so strong right now that I honesty couldn't care less either. Eat, purge, eat, purge. Seems to make all my problems go away.
-Niqi
xoxo
Not to mention that it's Halloween and the party I'm going to tonight is going to be LOADED with Halloween candy. My purging high is so strong right now that I honesty couldn't care less either. Eat, purge, eat, purge. Seems to make all my problems go away.
-Niqi
xoxo
Sabtu, 20 September 2014
Romanticizing vs glorifying
If you search mia, ana, depression, anxiety, suicide, self harm or any other related word into tumblr, you will find a load of black and white pictures of sad teenagers, and depressing quotes.
You will also find a bunch of people ranting about how terrible it is to romanticize mental illnesses.
Here is my unpopular opinion: Romanticizing mental illness is fine. There is absolutely nothing wrong with it. However there is a BIG problem with glorifying mental illness. The problem is, the difference can be hard to notice.
Romanticizing illnesses is done all the time. From John Green writing romance novels about teens dying with cancer, and a potential suicide in "The Fault in Our Stars" and "Looking for Alaska", to quotes such as "There are lines on your wrists/ like railroad tracks/ and I know exactly where they're going/ but there is no train to heaven" (Unknown), we romanticize illness everyday. It helps us cope. Thinking that we are tragically beautiful, or a purging princess, or a delicate doll helps us hate ourselves less.
The problem occurs when the romanticizing enters that grey section, where illness are glorified, the bad sides pushed aside, and people start wanting eating disorders. I'm talking about people thinking that being depressed means someone is going to save you and help you escape from the dark side. Or thinking that cancer will make you realize exactly what you want in life, and post recovery you will live your life to the fullest.
This isn't how illnesses work. Yes maybe when you are depressed you have that one person who never gives up on you and gives you hope. But you still can't get out of bed everyday, cry yourself to sleep at night, get nightmares, and can't cross the street without secretly hoping that a car will run you over. If you wish you had an eating disorder, stop right now. You will lose your hair, your friends, isolate yourself, and the disease will take control of your brain.
If romanticizing your illness helps you cope. Continue what you are doing. I know that reading poems about people dying, and reading books about beautiful girls who cut themselves but get saved and find themselves with the help of a boy, gives me hope. Makes me think that I'm not just a crazy worthless girl. But please never encourage others to worsen their disorders, and if you find yourself wishing you could have a bit of anorexia or anxiety please stop and read about all the terrible side affects of these diseases.
-Niqi
xoxo
You will also find a bunch of people ranting about how terrible it is to romanticize mental illnesses.
Here is my unpopular opinion: Romanticizing mental illness is fine. There is absolutely nothing wrong with it. However there is a BIG problem with glorifying mental illness. The problem is, the difference can be hard to notice.
Romanticizing illnesses is done all the time. From John Green writing romance novels about teens dying with cancer, and a potential suicide in "The Fault in Our Stars" and "Looking for Alaska", to quotes such as "There are lines on your wrists/ like railroad tracks/ and I know exactly where they're going/ but there is no train to heaven" (Unknown), we romanticize illness everyday. It helps us cope. Thinking that we are tragically beautiful, or a purging princess, or a delicate doll helps us hate ourselves less.
The problem occurs when the romanticizing enters that grey section, where illness are glorified, the bad sides pushed aside, and people start wanting eating disorders. I'm talking about people thinking that being depressed means someone is going to save you and help you escape from the dark side. Or thinking that cancer will make you realize exactly what you want in life, and post recovery you will live your life to the fullest.
This isn't how illnesses work. Yes maybe when you are depressed you have that one person who never gives up on you and gives you hope. But you still can't get out of bed everyday, cry yourself to sleep at night, get nightmares, and can't cross the street without secretly hoping that a car will run you over. If you wish you had an eating disorder, stop right now. You will lose your hair, your friends, isolate yourself, and the disease will take control of your brain.
If romanticizing your illness helps you cope. Continue what you are doing. I know that reading poems about people dying, and reading books about beautiful girls who cut themselves but get saved and find themselves with the help of a boy, gives me hope. Makes me think that I'm not just a crazy worthless girl. But please never encourage others to worsen their disorders, and if you find yourself wishing you could have a bit of anorexia or anxiety please stop and read about all the terrible side affects of these diseases.
-Niqi
xoxo
Langganan:
Postingan (Atom)