Assumptions

I went to a restaurant for dinner tonight with my boyfriend. I ordered a quesadilla with fries and he ordered a chicken salad. When the server came to give us our food, she automatically assumed that I ordered the salad.

Why is this assumption made? Must the skinny girl always order a salad? The girl orders a cute little salad and the man orders whatever the fuck he wants?

This shouldn't bother me this much. But I felt so guilty already for ordering what I did, but I knew I needed the calories. She really triggered more of those feelings of guilt and I swear I could see her judging me as I ordered all this fatty food with a diet pepsi.

I wish people would stop making assumptions. This extends beyond waitresses assuming women order salads.

This applies to people assuming that I restrict when what I struggle with most is binging. People hear I have an eating disorder and assume I have anorexia. I got asked by my grandma if I was comfortable having a slice of pie. Yes, I'd be comfortable eating the entire pie if I could purge it.

This applies to people thinking I can't struggle with mental illness because I don't look sick. To people assuming I'm too smart to have an eating disorder. To people assuming that I get by on my looks or that I'm stupid because I have pink hair.

I wish there was just more acceptance and less stereotypes.

August 30th - Grocery haul

Large grocery haul last night.
Skim milk and fat free vanilla creamer for lattes
Peanut butter and chocolate chips for peanut butter balls
Egg whites, pretzels and greens for my lunches
Yogurt to have with berries
And apples to snack on

I plan on starting my new meal plan tomorrow. Which me luck!!

Food plan

I figured out a food plan for this upcoming year, now I just need to stick to it.

Could I get some feedback? I'm going to be working out twice a day almost 5 days a week, so I want to make sure I'm getting enough food. I want to do this right.

Food

I haven't purged since I've been at my grandma's and I'm really really happy about that, but today for breakfast I had a big waffle, and I had four cookies at lunch so I'm basically a whale and there's going to be pie at desert.

"Discipline is choosing what you want most over what you want now"

What I want most is to be a mathematician. Not a bulimic, but a mathematician.

What I want now is to purge my guts out, then binge then purge again.


But I need to chose what I want most. What I want most is to be a mathematician. And I can't do that if I'm wasting time and mental energy purging, and letting my brain waste away from undernourishment.

It's okay to indulge every so often, especially when you're on vacation celebrating with family. I haven't gained any weight since I've been here, and I can't gain 10 pounds overnight. Everything will be okay.

I'm using my delay skill right now to help me through the day. I'm delaying destructive behaviors. I'm telling myself that I can fast tomorrow if I want to. Hopefully tomorrow I won't want to fast, and I'll be refreshed and ready to fight again.

Schedule

I start work on Tuesday, and school the Tuesday after. It feels good to finally have a schedule in place. I make a study schedule - I don't always follow it but it helps me feel in control and calm all those feelings of inadequacy. I have times to study and I just have to follow it and everything will be okay. It will. This year will be good. It has to be. I have everything to lose.

Fingers

Finger 1 started in year 1 of high school when I ate five chocolate bars and tried to throw up. Finger 1 tried and tried and tried but it wasn't until ear 1 of university in the midst of a panic attack was finger one successful at letting me purge. As I purged more and more using finger 1 my gag reflex lessened as quickly as my mood. Soon finger 1 was all I was living for and when I realized that I was no longer in control of finger 1 and that finger 1 was in control of me it felt like I had nothing to live for. 

After botched attempts to kill the demon I started using finger 2 because maybe I had control of finger 2. It was year 2 of university and finger 2 helped with my lessening gag reflex and allowed me to empty more and more. You can't be happy on a malnourished brain and the depression got worse and there were many more attempts to kill the demon. There stopped being a purpose to life.

I made it to year 3 of university though and that's when finger 3 came into play, because my gag reflex no longer worked with just finger 2. As I started using finger 3 more and more it became evident that my past was haunting me. Nightmares triggering the use of finger 3 which triggered the nightmares ended up being an endless cycle. 

But year 4 of university will break the cycle. Year 4 will be the year I use fingers 1, 2 and 3 positively. On finger 1 I'll tattoo the eating disorder recovery symbol, representing the start of it all. On finger 2 I'll tattoo a semi colon, for the life I wanted to end but didn't. On finger 3 I'll tattoo a star, so that my past can be with me, not haunting me. 

Fingers 1, 2 and 3 will be strength and no longer my weakness. 

Successful dinner out

So, math camp is over and I already miss it. That probably seems strange to you, but math really is something I'm really passionate about and I met some of the most amazing women there.

There was a dinner last night, and I didn't want to go because eating food in front of a lot of people is not my forte, but one of the girls (who had a history of eating problems) said she'd support me and that I could sit at the same table as her.

Her table just happened to be the table with the professor I would like as my master's supervisor, so I was thrilled. I got through dinner, I have no idea how many calories I consumed, I didn't purge and it was amazing. We talked about all sorts of things, from relationships to disabilities to religion. It was fantastic. We really had similar views and a matching personality, so now I just need to work hard enough to get in to the school for my masters!

Today so far hasn't been great. I had a presentation to do, and it went well (without ativan!) but I did purge twice already this morning.. that is all I've eaten today. I'm now on my way to see family so I'm really going to push myself to enjoy a lovely dinner with them, and choose food I'm comfortable keeping down.

Back back back... Back to school

The babes started school back last week. 

Carsyn started kindergarten!

The only thing holding back the tears is the fact she was so excited.

She's been asking for this moment since around mid June.

Hank was a little hesitant the first day, but has fallen in love with his teacher, Ms Jacinta. So far he's still pretty excited he doesn't go on Fridays ;)

We had our traditional early dinner at Windy Corner and the babes were still all smiles from their first day.

The coolest thing is their cousin, Emersyn attends the same school.  I love these little faces!

I hope they always love school as much as they do at this moment!

Back on track

I'm at the point where I have no choice but to get back on track again. I have everything to lose right now. School, my job, my relationship with my family that I've worked so hard to improve.

I've spent all my money binging and purging. I'm going to have to ask my parents to lend me some money to pay September's rent, which I really didn't want to have to do. Thankfully, my tuition isn't due until September 22nd, so I have some time to get that sorted out.

Having my medication sorted out also helps me feel better, I'm confident that I won't get myself to a point where I need to go back to the hospital again. I really think that this dosage of medication is helping stabilize me, and making it possible for me to use my skills. I've done a good job at using my skills when it comes to my BPD thoughts and the self harm, now I just need to apply these skills to my eating disorder. I know I can do it. I know how to do it. Now I just need to actually do it. Starting today. No more of this "I'll start tomorrow". I start today.

I'm just so frustrated that I let myself get into this position again. It's going to be a fight to get out of this position, but who said I wasn't a fighter?

Worn out

You'd think I would be full of energy - on vacation at the other end of the country, enjoying the ocean and life in general.

But my vacation is for a math summer school. We've been learning two full courses in two weeks. We have to present a presentation in a couple weeks, plus preparing for school to start up again there's been a lot on my mind.

This year I get a shot at doing some original research in the particular area of math I want to study. It's really exciting but I'm also scared I won't be able to understand the material.

All I want right now is a nap. I'm going to sleep a little, then try to do some work. This constant binging and purging sure isn't helping me either.. but I just can't seem to stop.

Despite being so worn out, I'm in a good mood. I don't want to die like I often do when I'm this worn out. I'm worn out but excited. And that's a really good feeling.

Stigma

Many parents get divorced so why would it bother me, I mean my mom's parents got divorced and she got double the Christmas presents and all feelings were hidden so why would I have any feelings when my parents got divorced.

When I was eight my stepmom died and eleven years later I still get nightmares because watching someone you love die is terrifying. But why would it bother me? We never talked about Cindy that summer after she died and I never really grieved because my parents assumed I was fine.

And maybe my family's history of hidden feelings is why I didn't know about my mom's depression or all the alcoholism on my dad's side of the family until I swallowed a bottle of Tylenol hoping it would kill me.

My siblings still don't know that I've been admitted to the hospital five times because of suicide attempts or really that I'm sick at all. We don't talk about why I missed Christmas dinner or spent all summer hiding in my room. My sister saw me take my Prozac one morning and asked why I needed medication and when I told her it was to make me happier she thought I was joking because we don't talk about mental illness. I mean why mention depression when you can pretend everyone's happy all the time.

I've been diagnosed with an eating disorder and a personality disorder and my siblings don't even know those exist. They could tell you all about cancer or diabetes but when it comes to metal illness we hide it behind doors that never open, it's like I'm in a seclusion room my entire life.

When I make a Facebook post about mental illness, people comment on how strong I am to share this information. When others make posts about physical illness people comment on how strong they are to get through it.

They say the stigma is gone but it's not. We're labelled as over dramatic attention seekers going through a phase. We're told that we'll outgrow it. Last time I was in a locked unit over half the patents were over fifty and my psychiatrist still had the nerve to tell me I'll grow out of it. Mental illness affects adults too and it's not because we're weak or dumb.

My medical insurance covers hospital admissions but not my outpatient therapy. My medical insurance covers my help only when I'm locked away.

Try telling me again that the stigma is gone. 

My bulimia ruined..

Yesterday I went to a fair that had a bunch of rides. I paid $50 to go so I was set on getting my money's worth - I was going to do a bunch of rides and stay late to see the concert.

On about the 10th ride I got sick. Not just nauseous feeling - I threw up on the ride. It was the most embarrassing thing that has happened to me in a while. I don't know if I recently developed motion sickness, or if my body just isn't able to digest almonds in 30 minutes anymore. I was having heartburn but I didn't think it would get this bad.

I took a bus home and puked again on the bus (on some people as well so that's really unfortunate for them). I took a cab the rest of the way home.

It's totally possible that my bulimia is completely unrelated to this.. but I can't help but blame myself for this event.

I also feel like I wasted fifty dollars and money is quite tight right now (it would help if I didn't spend money I didn't have on binge food...)

Hope you're all having an okay monday

Nude beach

There's a clothing optional beach near where I'm staying and I headed down to read today by the water. I wasn't planning on taking my clothes off - I'm way to self conscious for that. 

I was reading away, and my bathing suit wasn't fitting properly and the tassels on the top of my bathing suit were getting in the way. 

I too off my bathing suit top. It felt very awkward at first, but so many people around me weren't wearing clothing it didn't seem to weird. The greatest part was that my body image issues barely arose! It was an incredibly liberating experience and I was able to comfortably read and enjoy my time at the beach. 

If any of you get a chance to go to a clothing optional beach, I highly recommend it. I recommend changeling your body image issues and put yourself out there. I don't regret this experience at all, and would happily do it again. I'm actually going to the beach again tonight for a swim, and will most likely go topless.  

I need to learn

I need to learn to treat my body nicely. I need to learn that it's okay to eat. I need to learn that if I fill myself with good balanced food, I won't feel the need to binge and purge. I need to learn that my life will be okay even if I gain a few pounds.

I need to learn that my career and life goals need to come before my weight goals. I need to learn that suicide can't be the answer. I need to learn that if I work my ass off, good things will come to me. I need to learn to stop playing the victim card.

I need to start taking recovery more seriously. I need to get better. I need to work to get better, not just wait around hoping one day I'll feel completely ready to recover.

My mom once told me: "you can have anything but not everything". It's true. I can have the career I want, I can reach my goal weight, I can be a nationally ranked gymnast. I can't be all of these. I have to choose. And I choose my career/academic goals.

Effort won't betray you.

August 18 - grocery haul

It's been a while since I've done one of these - mostly because I've been binging and purging my life away.

It's time for that to end. I'm ruining my chances at a career in academia. I need to radically accept that I can't have my goal weight and my goal career.

Since I'm on my math trip to Vancouver, and I've been binging and purging a lot on campus food, I decided to go out and get some groceries, so that I can have safe pre-made meals.

I got:
Almonds
Apple Larabars
Quest bars
Protein plus bars
Chai and green tea
Peanut butter
Apples
Bananas


This morning I had oats with peanut butter and a banana. I was still hungry after so I allowed myself to have a quest bar. I'm going to get better. It's a slow process, but I will heal.

Kiawah

Rosie and I set out the first part of this month for our favorite destination, Charleston, SC.  We have been loyal Wild Dunes/Isle of Palm visitors for the past 20 years or so, but I had a notion to try a new spot out side Charleston this year.  I visited Kiawah when I was younger and though things had changed a bit, in a way they hadn't at all.

We were all smiles upon arrival at the Sanctuary hotel.  It was like stepping into a grand southern estate- tucked back in mossy oaks - subtle yet substantial.  We immediately decided one of the two grand staircases were great for a photo opp.

The babes decided to explore the pools and we decided it was a great idea to cool off after 8 hours on the road. 

We went for a quick beach walk then ordered room service for dinner.  The kids said it was the best cheese pizza they had ever eaten.  Of course being hand fed laying in bed might have had something to do with that ;)

The next day and rest of the week for that matter we lunched poolside and rotated between the pools at the resort.

A few quick facts-

** The lunches at the grill by the pool at the Sanctuary were legit awesome.  As good if not better than you would get in an upscale restaurant. 

**There are 2 pools at the hotel-one adults only and one 3-4' pool you see in the pic below.  Certain times of the evening you may luck out and get it all to yourself as it doesn't close until sunset.

(Does tossing kids in the pool count as cardio?)

** Upon arriving at the pool someone would get you fresh towels, walk you to lounge chairs at your request, open an umbrella for shade, and roll up a towel for a headrest.  An icy water with lemon would follow that immediately.  (At this point I'm realizing you might be wandering why we came home #didntwantto)

**Same scenario at the beach where they came around to your chair taking food and beverage orders and handing out chilled waters.

** Not one day would I say the pool or beach was "crowded."

**We did not manage to have dinner at a restaurant inside the hotel the entire trip.  I had heard great things but we preferred to get out and do a little exploring in the evenings.

The second night we ventured to nearby Bohicket Marina on Seabrook Island for dinner.  Some people recommended a restaurant named Lokal.

We arrived around 5:30 and enjoyed a light dinner because I had promised the babes ice cream for good behavior.  It started getting really crowded as we were leaving so I would suggest arriving early if you have hopes for dinner.

We wound up at Fresh Fields Village, which is located just between Kiawah and Seabrook Islands later that evening.

The kids munched on ice cream from a cute drugstore named Vincents.  Afterwards Rosie and I checked out the Lilly Pulitzer store. The girls there were so friendly and when we went back later in the week the kids made me take their picture in the dressing rooms.

We were a little exhausted when we returned.

We took advantage of the complimentary shuttle to one of the resort's other pools the next day.

  **Note- We never waited longer than 5 minutes for any shuttle or for valet to get our car like in a lot of hotels.

The pool here was super shallow with one 4' end with water slides.  I think this was Hank's favorite part of the trip. I have a great video of him on insta coming down the slide with no puddlejumper! He was so proud of himself.

And the tradition continues..

We got cleaned up early that afternoon and made the 1 hour trek into Charleston for a little shopping and dinner. 

(OOTN- JCrew dress)

We tried to get into Hank's per my Hank's demand but after waiting 30 minutes we headed over to Blossom on East Bay.

Can't be a blog post about Charleston without a picture of some crab cakes.  Carsyn even gave them a thumbs up!

The babes have been asking for 2 years when they could swim in the fountains in their bathing suits and this year I finally caved. After dinner we changed their attire and turned them loose.

Day = Made

I ventured into Peninsula Grill for some coconut cake to go that evening and got talking to the bartender about Charleston restaurants.  I was explaining that it was just such a friendly city but I didn't push the envelope and bring my kids to eat dinner there.  He laughed and said he understood but that most Charleston restaurants were becoming more lax with their dress code and such. And that we were welcome anytime.  Figured that was pretty useful information to keep hold of.

Can't miss an opportunity to send dad a picture of his favorite girl eating his favorite cake.

Back to the beach for day 4!

Carsyn had a run in with a horseshoe crab earlier in the week and got a little intimidated of the big ocean, but rallied back.

We went back to the pool that afternoon and I did a little poolside planning with my new favorite agenda folio.  

Evening beach stroll and lawn shenanigans before a late dinner.

Playing on the lawn was one of our favorite things to do at night.  You can grab a glass of wine and go sit in one of the adironadack chairs and watch the kids play.  I highly recommend bringing plenty of rocket copters as some are likely to land on the roof.

We wound up with a late reservation at the Fat Hen on John's Island that evening. The kids loved eating in "the coop." 

Honestly, one of the best meals I've ever feasted on.  Of course I had the crab cakes. Hank recommends building a house out of jenga blocks.

One last visit to Fresh Fields!

Thank you Kiawah for being so good to us.  I cannot recommend the Sanctuary on Kiawah Island enough.  The staff went out of their way to accommodate and the atmosphere was so relaxed.  Maybe next time I'll make it to the spa that everyone raves about ; )

West Coast Best Coast

I'm spending some time on the west coast right now, at a summer school for women in math.

The campus I'm staying at is beautiful, the residence I'm in is fabulous, the math I'm learning is incredible, and the people I'm meeting are remarkable.

This is the campus that I'd like to transfer to next year, and ideally do my masters here as well.

The beach is so beautiful here, and there's a clothing optional beach on campus which I find wonderful. I don't have the body confidence to go swimming nude, but I love how liberating the idea is.

I really like it here. The weather is wonderful. Healthy vegan and vegetarian food is readily available. I haven't been taking much advantage of this wonderful healthy food though - I've been binging an purging most of my time here. I'm trying to put an end to it though. My goal is only one binge and purge session today (which already happened this morning).

We're off to a field trip today, which I'm quite excited about. It's really hard for me to keep going and having all these packed days, without the alone time that I need.

But I'm going to push through, and I'll make the most of this conference.

Pro ana

I made a post before titled "what the pro ana community has done for me". I was wrong when I wrote that. I didn't have the right impression of what pro ana is. I was talking about the eating disorder support community on social media. This community that does not push recovery, but does not encourage relapse. The community that supports you no matter what stage you're at with your illness, and allows you to vent. It's basically like a support group you can access at any time via social media. Yes, it can be triggering at times, because numbers are often mentioned (which isn't allowed in normal support groups), but letting out specifics really helps people vent.

I got a direct message on twitter today that said:

"U think ur 1 of the thinnest? Um ur bmi is still normal... Get a grip on reality. Ur thin and beautiful not skinny or the thinnest"

This was after I tweeted about a conference I was at - I felt like I was the dumbest, but I felt like one of the thinnest. I was upset that I had these thoughts. I know it doesn't matter and it was highlighted at this conference. My weight doesn't get me anywhere special. All these other students with higher weights were smarter and getting more out of the conference than I was. My other tweets went on to explain these thoughts.

I'd like to point out, before I get hate messages for this, I do not suffer from body dysmorphia. Yes, I still have an eating disorder. Yes, I still want to lose weight. But I am capable of seeing myself accurately compare to other people. I am aware that I am on the low end and quite thin. I am aware that losing more weight will make me unhealthy and not 'look' good as society would put it. Yet, I still want to.

Now, there are so many things wrong with this message that I got other than the fact that it's rude, insulting, and ruined my day.  Because I was extremely triggered and insulted, I went and looked at this person's account, and it was quite pro-ana, even though she claimed it was not. This account bragged about their BMI, had all their goal weights listed, and their description read "FOR ANAS&MIAS ONLY". Now I can't see their tweets as they are a protected account, and I have no desire to follow someone who would send me those messages, so maybe they're not what I think they are.. but that's the impression I got.

I'm also not sure how this person knows what my BMI is. I had a blog post when my BMI hit 18.5 and how I felt about that, but it's been a while since then, and drastic weight fluctuations are common in eating disorders, especially bulimia. For all they know, I could be over or under weight now. I won't even get into how inaccurate BMI is. But as a muscular girl, my "healthy or ideal" BMI is higher than that of the average built person.

I'm not too sure where I was going with this article, other than there are mean people out there and to watch for this. You can say that you aren't promoting anything, and you may not be directly telling anyone to starve or to puke, but you're directly triggering someone and I don't think that's okay. I love the eating disorder support community, and have accidentally called it "pro-ana" but that's not what it is. The "pro-ana" community is a very different disgusting community, and gives the support community a bad name because of the slight overlap.  

If you'd like to read my post about what the eating disorder community has done for me, you can find it here.

Update

I safely landed in Vancouver after my five hour freezing cold flight. In about an hour I head over to register for the summer school I'm attending. I'm both excited and frightened.

I know I'm going to have a good time, and I know this is really going to motivate me for my upcoming return to classes. I just want to get settled into the residence I'll be staying at and meet the other students. Once that's been done, I'll feel a lot better.

I'm currently working on a few poems and articles that I am hoping to post by the end of the month. They're all in the final editing stage :)

Since my schedule has been completely thrown off course lately, I thought I would finish with some gentle reminders:

• Please remember to take your medication this morning
• Please remember to have breakfast this morning, no matter what you ate or didn't eat last night
• Please remember to brush your teeth
• Please remember to dress in a way that feels good for you
• Please remember to move a bit today, whether it's just leaving your bed for some tea, or going for a nice walk (with accordance to your doctor's orders)
• Please remember that socializing is helpful, but so is time alone, and try to do a bit of both

Sending lots of love to everyone

Leaving on a jet plane

I got discharged from the hospital on Thursday, and two days later I'm flying to Vancouver for a Women in Math conference/summer school. I'm definitely on edge, having felt good and safe for less than a week, I'm definitely worried that old thoughts will creep back in.

But I have a safety plan. I will be okay. I will take my meds properly and immerse myself in the beauty of the west coast and of mathematics. I will network and make great connections.

Why am I so anxious?

I'm worried I won't understand the topics being presented. The topics being covered aren't in my area of mathematics, so I'm worried that I'm going to be behind compared to everyone else.

I'm worried of what will happen if I have a depressive or anxious episode while away from all my regular supports.

I'm worried that I'll get bad again. I haven't been good for very long. And I'm scared that if I get bad, I won't make it back home.

I know I can do it though. I know I have it in me to stay safe and get through this. I know that I will figure out the math, and that the beauty of the beach will give me a reason to live.

All these worries have already caused me to binge and purge (on super expensive airport food). I can't keep that up on my trip. Hopefully this will have been my last binge and purge for the next couple weeks.

This late at night, I'm just tired. I know once morning comes and I'm bright eyed and busy tailed a lot of these worries will disappear. My flight leaves in 45 minutes, and then I'll be able to get some good sleep. Until then, a diet coke will have to do.

Reflections from the hospital

"I think being admitted with older patients has really helped my recovery. It helped me realize that I'm still in a that honey moon stage. I'm still at a point where my mental illness gets me love and sympathy when I feel emotionally neglected. It won't continue this way. I've already lost opportunities and independence and it's just going to get worse. I need to stop romanticizing being sick and take it for what it really is: a deadly illness. There really is no choice but to get better.

I think I will always struggle with suicidal ideations because of the way I look at the world. The seemingly lack of purpose will always affect me as I am a driven goal oriented person. But I can use those traits positively. I can use those traits to achieve things in my life. I can use those traits to overcome this illness. Setting consistent goals for myself will be very beneficial and important in both my recovery and general life.

I think I will always struggle with food. I think that my upbringing and experience with gymnastics and goals as an athlete will make food a challenge. But I am now willing to admit the effect that being an athlete has on my eating habits, which is tremendous progress. I believe that through harm reduction I can get myself to a point where I no longer fit the diagnostic criteria for an eating disorer. My goals are still to maintain a low weight and I am unable to let go of that, but I can earn to be balanced and have less disordered patterns. Recovery looks different for everyone and these are the steps I am currently willing to take."

- An exert from my journal

Overcoming depression

Some plans I've made for myself regarding emotion regulation and battling my depression

I found this to be a really helpful exercise, and really help me feel confident about leaving the hospital. I highly recommend trying a similar journaling activity!

What I want

Over my stay here at the hospital, I've figured out a lot of things that I don't want in my life. Today I refocused those thoughts. Knowing what you don't want is good, but it leaves a lot in the open. Knowing what you want is more important, it can guide you, help you set goals and lead you in a positive direction. I did some pretty intense journalling today. Here is an excerpt


I don't want to be this way when I'm thirty. I don't want to have to put my life on hold to be in the hospital. I don't want to constantly worry my friends and family. I don't want to define myself by my illnesses. I don't want to miss out because I'm scared of calories. I don't want to have three wardrobes because of weight fluctuations.

I want to have Ph.D. when I'm thirty. I want to be learning and advancing my career. I want my friends and family to have a stable relationship with me. I want to define myself by my career and interests. I want to have fun and experience life, including food. I want to maintain a weight I feel good at though balanced eating and exercise.

Faking perfection: video

My depression is ugly: video

Thinspo: Video

Weekend pass

I got a pass for the weekend,
36 hours of freedom
On my own in the real world
With all the terrors of life
I wish I could say that I was happy
To be out of the hospital for the weekend
But in reality I'm scared
I've been eyeing the razors
On the shelf in my bathroom
And the bottle of pills sitting
At the edge of my desk
I know that hurting myself won't solve anything
But pain keeps me alive

I talked to my therapist yesterday
And we were talking about how
It's true that pain is what
Keeps us all alive
And that's why cutting
And starving and purging works
She said something that surprised me
That she knows all to well
How cutting works
Because she has scars of her own
It made things me feel more comfortable
Talking and being open to her
I've been seeing my therapist for
Three years now and I know
That she had mental health issues
Of her own when she was younger
But something about her making things
As explicit as she did
Really helped me believe
That maybe I can get better

I'm still struggling though
To see the point of it all
The big picture makes everything
Seem so pointless to me
So I'm on my own this weekend
Sitting on my bed which is much more
Welcoming then the stiff hospital mattress
Trying to enjoy the little things
Because the big picture is too
Scary and daunting to me
I'm trying to distract myself
Painting my nails and dying my hair
Alternating between watching the Olympics
And binge watching shows on Netflix

I can't say I've been all good so far
I've already binged and purged
On bread and sweets and some of
My roommates food
But I'm determined to keep myself
Safe tonight and okay tonight
I want to be okay because if I'm not
I can't go on vacation next week
And I really really want to go

The little things

I talked a bit yesterday about how one of my methods to pull myself out of my depression is to focus on the little things. I've made a post like this a bit over a year ago, but I've change a lot, and the little things I find helpful have changed as well.

Little things that remind me why life is good:

- Reading a good book by the water
- Chatting with my siblings
- Finding cool new pants
- Watching gymnastics
- Doing gymnastics
- Solving a difficult math problem
- Dancing
- Watching my siblings grow up
- Picking and eating fresh raspberries
- Coloring
- Kissing my boyfriend
- That feeling when words just spill out
- Stargazing
- Jumping on a trampoline
- Swimming underwater when the world seems to disappear
- Fuzzy blankets on cold days
- Tea, hot chocolate and coffee
- Having beautiful color coded notes
- That feeling when you know you aced an exam
- The repetitive motion of knitting or sewing
- Creating something new
- Listening to your favorite song

why live

Life goes on. And sometimes that's the problem.

I found out that someone in my school program committed suicide. And nothing seems to have changed.

It makes me wonder, if the sun will still rise and the stars will still shine do we really make an impact. I didn't even hear about the death until a few days later. Life kept on going on. I went to meetings, wrote in my journal, did some math. I ate breakfast lunch and dinner. So did everyone else. Life kept on going. The removal of his life had no effect.

But that's such a broad view. If we zoom in, we see that there's more to it than just that. If we zoom in we see the kid's mother and father unable to leave their bed, devastated by the loss of their son. When we zoom in we see the kids friends, who need to take a year off of school to cope. We see an empty bedroom that won't be entered for months.

When we zoom in we see why we need to live.

We live for the little things, and that's okay.

We live for fresh fruit in the summer, and snow angels in the winter
We live for hugs and kisses by our closes friends
We live for our family, our siblings and those who look up to us

I think one of my many struggles, is that I think too broadly. I ask why instead of why not. I try to find purpose in things that don't need purpose. And that's something I really need to work on.

Words of wisdom

I'm feeling quite positive today, which is a nice change in pace. I did a lot of journaling last night and thought through some tough emotions that I was dealing with. When I journal, I like to look up positive quotes and mantras written by others, as they often speak to me deeply.

Today I thought I'd share my favorite words of wisdom with you. I couldn't find the majority of the authors, please let me know if you know any of them so I can update my post.



You're going to survive. No matter how much you think you won't, no matter how much stronger the fight seems than you. You will survive.
- unknown

It's not the future that you're afraid of. It's repeating the past that makes you anxious.
- unknown

Never forget what you are for surely the world will not. Make it your strength. Then it can never be your weakness. Armor yourself in it, and it will never be used to hurt you.
- George R.R. Martin

You survived the trauma, you'll survive the recovery.
- unknown

You are allowed to be both a masterpiece and a work in progress, simultaneously.
- unknown

This is me doing better. I am gasping for breath but I'm no longer on life support.
- unknown

Life isn't fair

I got to leave the hospital for a few hours today, which was quite a nice change in pace. I got some good coffee, chatted with a friend, had a nice hot shower, and packed some extra thinks for my stay.

That was all very nice. The problem arose when I was walking around campus. I got endless glares at my scratched up arms and hospital bracelet. I ran into a few people I knew who were spending their summer doing research, and I had to fake a smile and tell them that I'm taking time to myself to get better, and not that I was forced into hospital after multiple overdoses. I faked a smile when all I wanted to do was cry and scream about the unjust world.

Even my taxi driver was an idiot. I asked him to pick me up from campus and take me to the psych hospital. I have a hospital bracelet on my wrist. He decided that it was appropriate to ask why my arms where so scratched up.

To make things worse, I got an email from my perfect aunt, who has a perfect kid, saying she was sorry to hear I was in hospital. I understand that she's my dad's sister, and my dad wanted to share, but it sucks. Her son has been extremely fortunate with his health, and summer opportunities and I'm here sitting in a psych ward.

I know the world isn't fair. I know I shouldn't expect it to be. But I just hate that it's not.

Between a rock and a hard place

I feel a bit stuck with my recovery right now. I know I need to be in hospital. All I can think of doing when I leave these grounds is overdosing. But at the same time, I need meal support. I need to not be in an environment where purging every meal is so damn easy. I need to be in an environment where I have motivation to eat and not purge. Where my livelihood depends on it. And here, it just doesn't matter.

It's a really a shame that I'm put in this situation. That the acute mental health program isn't able to provide me with the meal support that I need. It's becoming more and more obvious with my time here that I do need to do an eating disorder program - either a day hospital or inpatient treatment. But I just don't feel ready to admit that I need to gain weight or eat more.

A few things have really triggered me lately. Talks of vegan, keto, and low calorie diets have really made me regress into restriction. The biggest problem is though, I just don't care. I don't. I really wish I did. I really wish that I wanted to embrace life and get better. But.. I just don't right now. And I don't know when I will.