2016 has been a shit year for many, including myself. But great writing tends to emerge during difficult times. Here are what I consider to be my top 15 pieces from 2016.
15. reflections from the hospital
14. Days Weeks Months Years
13. Why they need to get rid of atypical anorexia
12. To the girl who thinks she's smarter than this
11. #eatittobeatit
10. This one's for the girl
9. My depression is ugly
8. Faking perfection
7. Thinspo: video (no images, don't worry)
6. How to help a suicidal friend
5. Orthorexia
4. 7 things I want you to know as you're staring into the toilet bowl
3. A week with borderline personality disorder
2. Counting down (link to buy my poetry book, one of my greatest accomplishments so far)
1. Cat pictures (because my cat is the best thing that has happened to me this year)
Tampilkan postingan dengan label mental illness. Tampilkan semua postingan
Tampilkan postingan dengan label mental illness. Tampilkan semua postingan
Kamis, 29 Desember 2016
Senin, 19 Desember 2016
Suicide jokes
I've headed up north to spend some time at my boyfriend's place for the holidays. I went to a big family gathering last night, and it was tough.
One of the first things that was said to me was a joke about slitting my wrists.
I'm quite guilty when it comes to making jokes about mental health. But I always do it when only with a receptive audience. My best friend and I will kid about our mental health a lot, because we both suffer from very similar mental illnesses and dark humor is one of our favorite coping strategies. I'd never make jokes to others though. You don't know what others are going through. And because of that, you should never make jokes unless you know it's okay with that person.
One of the first things that was said to me was a joke about slitting my wrists.
I'm quite guilty when it comes to making jokes about mental health. But I always do it when only with a receptive audience. My best friend and I will kid about our mental health a lot, because we both suffer from very similar mental illnesses and dark humor is one of our favorite coping strategies. I'd never make jokes to others though. You don't know what others are going through. And because of that, you should never make jokes unless you know it's okay with that person.
Selasa, 15 November 2016
stigma
I've been asked why all my poetry is about mental health.
I write about mental illness because it has almost killed me.
I write about mental illness because it might still kill me.
I write about mental illness for those who can't.
But most of all, I write about mental illness because of the stigma.
Don't try to tell me that the stigma is gone. Don't tell me the stigma is gone when my prof rolled his eyes when I told him that I couldn't finish my assignment on time because of a major depressive episode. Don't tell me the stigma is gone when the crisis worker I was talking to shuffled backwards when I mentioned my borderline personality disorder. Don't tell me the stigma is gone when my old housemate told me I couldn't be anorexic because I have meat on my bones. Don't tell me the stigma is gone when my academic adviser told me that university is supposed to be stressful and I just need to get over my anxiety.
It's the stigma that causes so many to not seek help. People are dying from illnesses that can be managed with ongoing treatment because they're too embarrassed to seek help. People are dying from illnesses that can be managed with ongoing treatment because they can't afford the treatment. My provincial insurance covers medical doctors but not therapists. Try telling me the stigma is gone when treatment for cancer is covered but treatment for depression isn't.
The only time my therapy was covered by provincial insurance was when I was in a locked ward. Think about that for a second. My therapy was only covered when I was locked away from society. As if they only wanted to help me when I couldn't run wild. Tell me again that the stigma is gone, when it assumed that humans with mental illnesses are a danger to society when the statistics show that someone who suffers from mental illness is more likely to be a victim of a violent crime then to be the perpetrator.
When considering taking time off of school to go to treatment, my social worker asked me if I would take time off school if I had cancer.
Of course, I replied.
Then why are you treating this any differently?
Because I'm scared of what grad schools will think if I take time off for mental illness.
Tell me again that the stigma is gone.
I dare you.
I write about mental illness because it has almost killed me.
I write about mental illness because it might still kill me.
I write about mental illness for those who can't.
But most of all, I write about mental illness because of the stigma.
Don't try to tell me that the stigma is gone. Don't tell me the stigma is gone when my prof rolled his eyes when I told him that I couldn't finish my assignment on time because of a major depressive episode. Don't tell me the stigma is gone when the crisis worker I was talking to shuffled backwards when I mentioned my borderline personality disorder. Don't tell me the stigma is gone when my old housemate told me I couldn't be anorexic because I have meat on my bones. Don't tell me the stigma is gone when my academic adviser told me that university is supposed to be stressful and I just need to get over my anxiety.
It's the stigma that causes so many to not seek help. People are dying from illnesses that can be managed with ongoing treatment because they're too embarrassed to seek help. People are dying from illnesses that can be managed with ongoing treatment because they can't afford the treatment. My provincial insurance covers medical doctors but not therapists. Try telling me the stigma is gone when treatment for cancer is covered but treatment for depression isn't.
The only time my therapy was covered by provincial insurance was when I was in a locked ward. Think about that for a second. My therapy was only covered when I was locked away from society. As if they only wanted to help me when I couldn't run wild. Tell me again that the stigma is gone, when it assumed that humans with mental illnesses are a danger to society when the statistics show that someone who suffers from mental illness is more likely to be a victim of a violent crime then to be the perpetrator.
When considering taking time off of school to go to treatment, my social worker asked me if I would take time off school if I had cancer.
Of course, I replied.
Then why are you treating this any differently?
Because I'm scared of what grad schools will think if I take time off for mental illness.
Tell me again that the stigma is gone.
I dare you.
Sabtu, 22 Oktober 2016
Recovering from reading week
I was excited for reading week this year. I was expecting to rest, read, study and workout. It was going to be great.
I was going to be all caught up on courses, back to a solid sleep schedule, my caffeine intake reduced and be all set to go last Monday when my school resumed.
I found the opposite happened. My depression worsened. I had no reason to get out of bed, so I didn't get out of bed. I was staying in bed until the early afternoon every day. I studied, but not much. And when I did study, I was distracted and not productive about it.
I need the regularity of school. I need to get up and have things to do every day. I need to have a lot on my plate so that I continue to get things done in a productive matter.
I found last week, my first week back at classes after reading week, to be a tough one. I only made it to half my classes. Not only that, but I only made it to the gym once, and instead of studying when I wasn't at the gym, I slept. I spent a lot of time sleeping. I got into the habit of sleeping over 12 hours a day, so when school started again, I was still sleeping over 12 hours a day.
The problem with weekends is that they're like mini reading weeks.
Two days where you don't have to leave the house, don't have class, don't have medical appointments and don't have gymnastics training. Even though that's true, I still have to leave the house to get fresh air, I still need to study, I still need to take care of myself and I still need to workout.
I'm working on planning out my weekends better. I have tutoring sessions both today and tomorrow so I have to get out of bed to go work. I got up this morning and went to Starbucks to study. My roommate and I are going to go to the gym together so that we have accountability. Then, I'm hauling my bum to the library to study somewhere were I can't get away with climbing into bed and watching netflix.
The problem with reading week this past semester, is not only did I not catch up, I got a week behind with my week of not going to class. But I'm going to catch up. I have no other choice. So this girl is going to do it.
I was going to be all caught up on courses, back to a solid sleep schedule, my caffeine intake reduced and be all set to go last Monday when my school resumed.
I found the opposite happened. My depression worsened. I had no reason to get out of bed, so I didn't get out of bed. I was staying in bed until the early afternoon every day. I studied, but not much. And when I did study, I was distracted and not productive about it.
I need the regularity of school. I need to get up and have things to do every day. I need to have a lot on my plate so that I continue to get things done in a productive matter.
I found last week, my first week back at classes after reading week, to be a tough one. I only made it to half my classes. Not only that, but I only made it to the gym once, and instead of studying when I wasn't at the gym, I slept. I spent a lot of time sleeping. I got into the habit of sleeping over 12 hours a day, so when school started again, I was still sleeping over 12 hours a day.
The problem with weekends is that they're like mini reading weeks.
Two days where you don't have to leave the house, don't have class, don't have medical appointments and don't have gymnastics training. Even though that's true, I still have to leave the house to get fresh air, I still need to study, I still need to take care of myself and I still need to workout.
I'm working on planning out my weekends better. I have tutoring sessions both today and tomorrow so I have to get out of bed to go work. I got up this morning and went to Starbucks to study. My roommate and I are going to go to the gym together so that we have accountability. Then, I'm hauling my bum to the library to study somewhere were I can't get away with climbing into bed and watching netflix.
The problem with reading week this past semester, is not only did I not catch up, I got a week behind with my week of not going to class. But I'm going to catch up. I have no other choice. So this girl is going to do it.
Minggu, 02 Oktober 2016
Promises
It hurts to know that I can't promise you my existence. That I can't look you in the eye, and guarantee that I'll never self destruct again. It hurts to know that you have to worry about this.
If I were me all the time, you'd have nothing to worry about, because when I am me I know that the storm will pass and the rainbow will appear. It's the demon, the dark ghost haunting my lungs, suffocating me from the inside out tearing at my throat letting go only when my head is in the toilet.
She always comes back after, catching me from behind, yanking my arms and pulling me back into hell. She starts to whisper. Quietly at first. Hinting towards my razor blade. I lock myself in the safety of my room but demons can pass through closed doors. I cling to my bed but the force is too much. I start to hear screams. And next thing I know I find myself paralyzed in the shower, red stained water flowing down the drain.
I hide. You can't see blood stains on my dark purple blanket so I curl up inside. I worry, because the next time you see me, you'll see more darkness than I wish. You'll see the scars the demon has left.
It hurts me. It hurts to see your face when you see my thighs, the sadness in your eyes when you look up and ask me when it happened. It hurts to feel the lump in your heart as you hold me so closely acting strong just for me.
Some tv show is being played on my computer in the hopes that my speakers are louder than her voice. Her voice is meaner today. She's yelling at me from behind the walls and no one else can hear her but I swear that she's their please believe me. I start to get angry and decide that today's the day, the day that the demon lives no more. I'm not myself anymore. I'm a murderer. My only goal is make the demon suffer the same way she made me suffer. I drown her in acetaminophen.
I wake up. I'm myself again and realize that the demon is within me and that I've poisoned myself. I lay in a different bed with needles in my arms. I watch as people come in and out. I get asked questions and I try to explain that I didn't want to hurt myself I wanted to hurt the demon, but they don't understand. They don't believe in what they can't see or hear. I succumb the thoughts of the demon and fall asleep.
I wake up in another new bed in a locked ward. I'm me again and I'm relieved. I'm safe here. The demon can't catch me. Several days pass and she doesn't come to get me so they let me go home.
It hurts. It hurts to see the fear in your eyes when I head back to my bed, the bed where she first attacked. It hurts that I'd be lying if I said I had control over her. It hurts that I can't promise you my existence.
If I were me all the time, you'd have nothing to worry about, because when I am me I know that the storm will pass and the rainbow will appear. It's the demon, the dark ghost haunting my lungs, suffocating me from the inside out tearing at my throat letting go only when my head is in the toilet.
She always comes back after, catching me from behind, yanking my arms and pulling me back into hell. She starts to whisper. Quietly at first. Hinting towards my razor blade. I lock myself in the safety of my room but demons can pass through closed doors. I cling to my bed but the force is too much. I start to hear screams. And next thing I know I find myself paralyzed in the shower, red stained water flowing down the drain.
I hide. You can't see blood stains on my dark purple blanket so I curl up inside. I worry, because the next time you see me, you'll see more darkness than I wish. You'll see the scars the demon has left.
It hurts me. It hurts to see your face when you see my thighs, the sadness in your eyes when you look up and ask me when it happened. It hurts to feel the lump in your heart as you hold me so closely acting strong just for me.
Some tv show is being played on my computer in the hopes that my speakers are louder than her voice. Her voice is meaner today. She's yelling at me from behind the walls and no one else can hear her but I swear that she's their please believe me. I start to get angry and decide that today's the day, the day that the demon lives no more. I'm not myself anymore. I'm a murderer. My only goal is make the demon suffer the same way she made me suffer. I drown her in acetaminophen.
I wake up. I'm myself again and realize that the demon is within me and that I've poisoned myself. I lay in a different bed with needles in my arms. I watch as people come in and out. I get asked questions and I try to explain that I didn't want to hurt myself I wanted to hurt the demon, but they don't understand. They don't believe in what they can't see or hear. I succumb the thoughts of the demon and fall asleep.
I wake up in another new bed in a locked ward. I'm me again and I'm relieved. I'm safe here. The demon can't catch me. Several days pass and she doesn't come to get me so they let me go home.
It hurts. It hurts to see the fear in your eyes when I head back to my bed, the bed where she first attacked. It hurts that I'd be lying if I said I had control over her. It hurts that I can't promise you my existence.
Selasa, 02 Agustus 2016
Life isn't fair
I got to leave the hospital for a few hours today, which was quite a nice change in pace. I got some good coffee, chatted with a friend, had a nice hot shower, and packed some extra thinks for my stay.
That was all very nice. The problem arose when I was walking around campus. I got endless glares at my scratched up arms and hospital bracelet. I ran into a few people I knew who were spending their summer doing research, and I had to fake a smile and tell them that I'm taking time to myself to get better, and not that I was forced into hospital after multiple overdoses. I faked a smile when all I wanted to do was cry and scream about the unjust world.
Even my taxi driver was an idiot. I asked him to pick me up from campus and take me to the psych hospital. I have a hospital bracelet on my wrist. He decided that it was appropriate to ask why my arms where so scratched up.
To make things worse, I got an email from my perfect aunt, who has a perfect kid, saying she was sorry to hear I was in hospital. I understand that she's my dad's sister, and my dad wanted to share, but it sucks. Her son has been extremely fortunate with his health, and summer opportunities and I'm here sitting in a psych ward.
I know the world isn't fair. I know I shouldn't expect it to be. But I just hate that it's not.
That was all very nice. The problem arose when I was walking around campus. I got endless glares at my scratched up arms and hospital bracelet. I ran into a few people I knew who were spending their summer doing research, and I had to fake a smile and tell them that I'm taking time to myself to get better, and not that I was forced into hospital after multiple overdoses. I faked a smile when all I wanted to do was cry and scream about the unjust world.
Even my taxi driver was an idiot. I asked him to pick me up from campus and take me to the psych hospital. I have a hospital bracelet on my wrist. He decided that it was appropriate to ask why my arms where so scratched up.
To make things worse, I got an email from my perfect aunt, who has a perfect kid, saying she was sorry to hear I was in hospital. I understand that she's my dad's sister, and my dad wanted to share, but it sucks. Her son has been extremely fortunate with his health, and summer opportunities and I'm here sitting in a psych ward.
I know the world isn't fair. I know I shouldn't expect it to be. But I just hate that it's not.
Jumat, 29 Juli 2016
The psych ward
Lots of people seem to be scared of psych wards. As if people with illnesses are something to be afraid of. As if our depression is contagious.
One of my friends came to visit me today. I'm so grateful that I have this amazing support system, and people I can trust to be there for me in my roughest times. Unfortunately, I've also been disappointed by the lack of support that I've had from some people. But that's life.
I met an amazing woman today. She really enlightened me. Her positive and willing attitude toward treatment, and her self awareness with regards to her disorder was quite impressive. It made me think a lot. Shes ten years older than me, and highly educated. That's my nain goal for when I'm thirty. To be very highly educated. But I don't want to be thirty and in hospital. I want to be educated and successful. If that means letting go of my disorders, maybe this is the time to do that.
One of my friends came to visit me today. I'm so grateful that I have this amazing support system, and people I can trust to be there for me in my roughest times. Unfortunately, I've also been disappointed by the lack of support that I've had from some people. But that's life.
I met an amazing woman today. She really enlightened me. Her positive and willing attitude toward treatment, and her self awareness with regards to her disorder was quite impressive. It made me think a lot. Shes ten years older than me, and highly educated. That's my nain goal for when I'm thirty. To be very highly educated. But I don't want to be thirty and in hospital. I want to be educated and successful. If that means letting go of my disorders, maybe this is the time to do that.
Senin, 25 Juli 2016
Perfectionism
Since I was little I was always called a perfectionist and I always thought it was a compliment because who doesn't want to be perfect? I was warned that this wasn't a good thing and it could get the best of me, but how could it? They were just jealous. That I could be perfect and they couldn't.
When I started therapy for my eating disorder my first year of university, I was told that my perfectionism was driving the disorder. That without letting go of the perfectionism, I wouldn't be able to let go of the eating disorder. I didn't get it. How could they be connected? My perfectionism was perfecting me while the bulimia was destroying me.
My perfectionism had gotten me straight As all through high school and the first few terms of university. My perfectionism had gotten me 5 provincial championship medals.My perfectionism was responsible for my extreme organization, my ability to balance school, work, volunteering and gymnastics. How could this be a problem?
By the time I figured it out, it was too late. The perfectionism had grown into my brain attacking me on all sides. By the time I figured it out, the perfectionism had decided on the way I sit, dress, act, study, and live. That's how this monster works. It comes to you as a friend. It helps you look prettier and have a clean room and get straight As. Once you've placed your trust in it it starts to attack.
The perfectionism gets needy. It doesn't want you going out with your friends, no you need to stay home and fix that one piece of hair that just wont straighten. You can go to sleep, you need rewrite your cue cards for the 27th time. The perfectionism starts to erase the grey, anything less than perfect is failing. Getting a 99% becomes a punishment.
I'm starting to learn that when you let go of the need to be perfect you can be great. But is it too late? Because when you'd rather die than fail, you know that the perfectionism has won.
Sabtu, 20 Desember 2014
I'm not depressed because..
I'm not depressed because I spent two days in bed. I got up today, wrote an exam, socialized with three friends, took a train to go home, watched a comedy, knit and played guitar. But at the end of the day, I'm back in bed wanting to die.
I'm not depressed because I don't know what I want to do with my life. I know exactly what I want to do with my life. I have plans upon plans of all the things I want to accomplish. I know which courses I'll take at which grad schools and which condo I'd like to live in in 5, 10 and 15 years. I will have three cats named Ana, Maleficent, and Pixie.
I'm not depressed because it's winter. Yes I am affected by S.A.D. I also attempted suicide in June.
I'm not depressed because school is too much. Yes university courses can trigger my anxiety. But some days the only reason I got out of bed is because I really really like linear algebra class.
I'm not depressed because of a certain reason. There isn't one thing you can change in my life that will make me happy. There are things that give me a reason to not die, until the chemical imbalances in my brain are changed. My meds are still being sorted out. My therapy is still being sorted out. I'm depressed because I am one of the unlucky ones with Major Depressive Disorder. You can't just 'fix' me. Please just stick with me.
-Niqi
xoxo
I'm not depressed because I don't know what I want to do with my life. I know exactly what I want to do with my life. I have plans upon plans of all the things I want to accomplish. I know which courses I'll take at which grad schools and which condo I'd like to live in in 5, 10 and 15 years. I will have three cats named Ana, Maleficent, and Pixie.
I'm not depressed because it's winter. Yes I am affected by S.A.D. I also attempted suicide in June.
I'm not depressed because school is too much. Yes university courses can trigger my anxiety. But some days the only reason I got out of bed is because I really really like linear algebra class.
I'm not depressed because of a certain reason. There isn't one thing you can change in my life that will make me happy. There are things that give me a reason to not die, until the chemical imbalances in my brain are changed. My meds are still being sorted out. My therapy is still being sorted out. I'm depressed because I am one of the unlucky ones with Major Depressive Disorder. You can't just 'fix' me. Please just stick with me.
-Niqi
xoxo
Rabu, 10 Desember 2014
Burnt out too soon
A week and half too soon.
10 days to be exact.
4 more finals to write and I'm already done.
Ready to throw in the towel.
I'm crying myself to sleep.
Wondering when this will end.
Feeling, tired and worthless.
I starve myself to deal with the stress.
But how can I concentrate when I have no food?
10 days. You can do it. 10 days.
-Niqi
xoxo
10 days to be exact.
4 more finals to write and I'm already done.
Ready to throw in the towel.
I'm crying myself to sleep.
Wondering when this will end.
Feeling, tired and worthless.
I starve myself to deal with the stress.
But how can I concentrate when I have no food?
10 days. You can do it. 10 days.
-Niqi
xoxo
Kamis, 30 Oktober 2014
I need to relax
I CAN'T SEEM TO BE ABLE TO RELAX.
My anxiety has been through the roof for the past month. 3 weeks of midterms and so many assignments. So I did what I always do. I ignored my emotions. I shut down that part of my brain. Of course that never leads to any good. Fucking BPD. My impulse goes crazy when I ignore my emotions. I made a lot of stupid decisions. And binged and purged so much. That post purge high is magical.
On the plus side, I did get through most of my midterms reasonably well. I definitely should have done a lot, and I mean A LOT better on physics and linear algebra. But I should still be able to pull of an A+ in every class except for physics. I'm just gonna have to work my ass off. And a B- in physics will still allow me to have an A average.
-Niqi
xoxo
My anxiety has been through the roof for the past month. 3 weeks of midterms and so many assignments. So I did what I always do. I ignored my emotions. I shut down that part of my brain. Of course that never leads to any good. Fucking BPD. My impulse goes crazy when I ignore my emotions. I made a lot of stupid decisions. And binged and purged so much. That post purge high is magical.
On the plus side, I did get through most of my midterms reasonably well. I definitely should have done a lot, and I mean A LOT better on physics and linear algebra. But I should still be able to pull of an A+ in every class except for physics. I'm just gonna have to work my ass off. And a B- in physics will still allow me to have an A average.
-Niqi
xoxo
Senin, 15 September 2014
I'll feed on caffeine and knowledge
Classes have started
Assignments piling up
No time to sleep
No time to eat
Grab your coffee and
Don't be late
Who needs sleep
When you have caffeine
Who needs food
When you're feasting on knowledge
Live in a haze
High on caffeine
From those sleepless nights
High on endorphins
From running to class
High on purging
All your bad dreams
Keep on pushing
Never stop
Just don't burn out
Until the end of the term
-Niqi
xoxo
-Niqi
xoxo
Selasa, 26 Agustus 2014
I'm a mess of contradictions in a dress
I go to bed wishing I had someone to cuddle with, and wake up pushing everyone who cares about me away.
I spend days wearing cute floral dresses, acting adorably innocent, then get tattoos and piercings, shop lift and have sex on total impulse.
I freak out over the calories in gum, then binge on thousands of calories.
I have bubble baths to soothe my sore muscles, then I take a blade to my wrist.
I plan my future with a PhD, then think of ways I could kill myself.
I spend hours cleaning my room, then smash my mirror to bits.
I am sweet and caring, yet turn into a ruthless sarcastic bitch in a matter of seconds.
I hate being lonely, but refuse every invitation I get to be with people.
I talk about poetry like a queen, while using 'fuck' as punctuation.
I want to be myself and ignore what society thinks, but I have no idea who I am.
I love you and I hate you.
I want you, yet I hate wanting you.
I can't describe myself as I am a bunch of opposites.
As Fiona put it in Shrek The Musical;
"I'm a mess of contradictions in a dress"
-Niqi
xoxo
I spend days wearing cute floral dresses, acting adorably innocent, then get tattoos and piercings, shop lift and have sex on total impulse.
I freak out over the calories in gum, then binge on thousands of calories.
I have bubble baths to soothe my sore muscles, then I take a blade to my wrist.
I plan my future with a PhD, then think of ways I could kill myself.
I spend hours cleaning my room, then smash my mirror to bits.
I am sweet and caring, yet turn into a ruthless sarcastic bitch in a matter of seconds.
I hate being lonely, but refuse every invitation I get to be with people.
I talk about poetry like a queen, while using 'fuck' as punctuation.
I want to be myself and ignore what society thinks, but I have no idea who I am.
I love you and I hate you.
I want you, yet I hate wanting you.
I can't describe myself as I am a bunch of opposites.
As Fiona put it in Shrek The Musical;
"I'm a mess of contradictions in a dress"
-Niqi
xoxo
Minggu, 17 Agustus 2014
13
13 must be unlucky
It's the year things got bad
It's the year I was lonely
When I was surrounded by people.
It's the year things got bad
It's the year I was lonely
When I was surrounded by people.
13 must be unlucky
It's the year I grew up
It's the year I became a woman
When I wanted to be a kid.
It's the year I grew up
It's the year I became a woman
When I wanted to be a kid.
13 must be unlucky
It's the year I got anxious
Its the year I felt abandoned
When I wanted to be hugged.
It's the year I got anxious
Its the year I felt abandoned
When I wanted to be hugged.
But I hope that for you
13 won't be so wicked
And maybe you will find
The magic in madness.
13 won't be so wicked
And maybe you will find
The magic in madness.
Niqi
xoxo
xoxo
Why I won't have kids
I don't want kids. Or a husband or wife for that matter. Or any long term relationship. They scare me.
Firstly, I can't imagine having a completely honest relationship. I can barely live with who I am. How is anyone else supposed to?
Secondly, in my experience, people's priorities seem to shift when in relationships. Now, this does seem to make people happy, but I can't imagine being fully satisfied with my life without reaching all my personal goals. But my personal goals involve me moving to California, being a tenured professor, long work hours and very little time for socialization. I don't want someone to come in the way of my career. I've always placed high importance on my personal goals, and this doesn't change when I'm in a relationship, nor would I want it to.
However, sometimes I still think that it would be nice to have someone to come home to, or plan a wedding, or think of what I would buy my kids for Christmas. I figured if maybe I recovered, I would be more comfortable with the idea of a long term relationship and maybe I would find someone who supported my career. This daydreaming never used to bother me until a couple months ago.
When I got diagnosed with BPD I didn't really think twice about it. I was coming off of an unsuccessful suicide attempt, and just wanted to curl up in my bed and disappear. I started doing some research on borderline and realized that it described me quite well. Then it hit me that my ex's mom had BPD.
Now this may not seem significant, but it is, I promise. My ex and his mother did not have the best relationship, and this definitely affected him as a person. I don't want to be responsible for my children being unhappy, just because I have BPD.
Not only that, but there are many self help books for children with borderline parents (examples include "Surviving a Borderline Parent: How to Heal Your Childhood Wounds and Build Trust, Boundaries, and Self-esteem" and "Understanding the Borderline Mother: Helping Her Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable, and Volatile Relationship").
Well if the nature of my disorder causes me to have intense, unpredictable and volatile relationships with my children why would I want to bring a child into the world just to have a bad relationship with them? And if this causes my children. To have trust, boundary and self-esteem issues why would I want raise a kid that I know will suffer so much? I know hard it is to have trust and self-esteem issues, and I wouldn't wish that on anyone.
I know that many people with BPD have very successful family lives and have happy kids, I just don't see myself being able to do that. If anyone knows how, please let me know!
I know that with therapy it is possible to reduce the symptoms of BPD, making it possible to have a family life. But this disorder has no cure, it is seen as a chronic problem. So it will no doubt affect my kids. Maybe this my anxiety speaking, but if I ever wanted kids, I'd be too scared to raise any, convinced that I'm going to mess up as a mother. I feel as though my disorder has taken over more of my life then I thought it would..
Niqi
xoxo
Selasa, 12 Agustus 2014
Grocery shopping
I swear grocery shopping is the hardest thing to do when you have an eating disorder. Especially with other people. Especially when those other people are super healthy athletes.
I either buy everything - like all the chocolate, bread, cakes, cookie dough, chips and ice cream - or I buy nothing. Sometimes I only buy fruits and veggies, and sometimes I decide to buy healthy meals when I want to recover. I've been getting better, and over my grocery trips it tends to even out so I have enough safe food to be comfortable. But no matter what, grocery trips always take hours. I will walk up and down aisles comparing the nutrition information of every different brand of food, trying to figure out which food packs in the most nutrients in the least amount of calories.
My worst nightmare is when there seems to two identical food, but they are in different packages. I'm always convinced that they are tricking me, and there has to be a difference between the two food items. It doesn't matter if I was planning on buying it or not I will stand there comparing the different packages until I can spot the difference.
-Niqi
xoxo
I either buy everything - like all the chocolate, bread, cakes, cookie dough, chips and ice cream - or I buy nothing. Sometimes I only buy fruits and veggies, and sometimes I decide to buy healthy meals when I want to recover. I've been getting better, and over my grocery trips it tends to even out so I have enough safe food to be comfortable. But no matter what, grocery trips always take hours. I will walk up and down aisles comparing the nutrition information of every different brand of food, trying to figure out which food packs in the most nutrients in the least amount of calories.
My worst nightmare is when there seems to two identical food, but they are in different packages. I'm always convinced that they are tricking me, and there has to be a difference between the two food items. It doesn't matter if I was planning on buying it or not I will stand there comparing the different packages until I can spot the difference.
-Niqi
xoxo
Minggu, 10 Agustus 2014
Talking out of suicide
TW*I know many get really strong suicidal ideations, and once you decide to act on them it can be impossible to go back. However over the past couple days, I've started overdosing, and stopped half way through. The last times I tried to overdose in order to kill myself, I felt like absolute crap for a couple days, and that was it. I didn't actually cause my body any serious harm - I just threw up like crazy until the toxic amounts where out of my system. Of course the effects of an OD depends on the types and quantities of medications taken, so please take all your medications as prescribed and nothing else.*TW
But I started taking some OTC medication today. I had done extensive research and new exactly how much I would have needed to take to get the desired effects. I was hoping to cause damage, but not die. I promised my family that I wouldn't die. I honestly got bored and didn't want to spend all night puking. Somehow that wasn't the self destruction I was looking for. The slightest doubt I had made me stop. I guess the past 10 months of therapy have been doing something. I can guarantee that if this was even one month ago, I would have taken all the pills I had, even though I knew I would just end up throwing up all night. I know that my family may not consider this progress, but the fact that I was able to talk myself out of an overdose is very good progress for me.
I see my therapist on Wednesday, so I need to find the strength in me to pull through until then.
I made a list of little things to do and keep myself busy with, until then so that I stay safe.
-watch the perseids
-knit a headband
-make some bracelets for the #braceletproject
-dance
-go to starbucks whenever I feel like crap
-read
-paint my room
-make tea
-bubble bath
-paint nails
-put on a face mask/teeth whitening strips (this is super effective to stop bingeing as well!)
-I also have letters that spell LIVE that I'm going to hang in my room. Each one is going to be collaged with pictures of one of my siblings (I have four). Once it's complete I will have a beautiful reminder of why I must live.
-Niqi
xoxo
But I started taking some OTC medication today. I had done extensive research and new exactly how much I would have needed to take to get the desired effects. I was hoping to cause damage, but not die. I promised my family that I wouldn't die. I honestly got bored and didn't want to spend all night puking. Somehow that wasn't the self destruction I was looking for. The slightest doubt I had made me stop. I guess the past 10 months of therapy have been doing something. I can guarantee that if this was even one month ago, I would have taken all the pills I had, even though I knew I would just end up throwing up all night. I know that my family may not consider this progress, but the fact that I was able to talk myself out of an overdose is very good progress for me.
I see my therapist on Wednesday, so I need to find the strength in me to pull through until then.
I made a list of little things to do and keep myself busy with, until then so that I stay safe.
-watch the perseids
-knit a headband
-make some bracelets for the #braceletproject
-dance
-go to starbucks whenever I feel like crap
-read
-paint my room
-make tea
-bubble bath
-paint nails
-put on a face mask/teeth whitening strips (this is super effective to stop bingeing as well!)
-I also have letters that spell LIVE that I'm going to hang in my room. Each one is going to be collaged with pictures of one of my siblings (I have four). Once it's complete I will have a beautiful reminder of why I must live.
-Niqi
xoxo
Sabtu, 09 Agustus 2014
Introduction
Hi :)
I'm Niqi and was recently diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. Since being diagnosed I've done a lot of research on this disorder and its quite an accurate diagnoses.
Throughout the past year I've been diagnosed with anxiety, depression, and an eating disorder (bulimia in october, and then my diagnosis got changed to purging disorder). I also self harm and have attempted suicide.
A month or so ago I decided I had to stay alive. I wish I could say I was doing this for myself but I'm not quite there yet. But I can't leave my siblings. I love them too much to put them through that. So since I'm stuck on earth I decided I'm going to make the most of it. I don't necessarily mean that in the most conventional way though.
Some days that means lying in bed watching tv because that's all I have the energy for. But hey, I have a long list of movies and TV shows to watch.
Some days that means studying super hard and throwing new tricks at gymnastics practice and talking to my profs about there research.
Some days that means self destructing because sometimes its okay to not be okay as long as you stay alive.
And some days that means going to coffee shops and listening to motivating music and enjoying the beauty of life.
All I'm saying is that I'm going to take it day by day and do what I have to do to stay alive. Because that is my first priority.
My second priority is world domination through math. But honestly, as long as one day I can get paid for solving puzzles and doing math every day I'll be content.
I'm going to do my best to not be triggering, and if I think anything I post might be triggering I'll warn you. However, I haven't fully committed to recovery yet- so much of my self definition is wrapped into all my disorders. But I'm trying. So this isn't a recovery blog, I'm just hopping to reach out to anyone going through similar things and force me to write down my thoughts every so often.
-Niqi
I'm Niqi and was recently diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. Since being diagnosed I've done a lot of research on this disorder and its quite an accurate diagnoses.
Throughout the past year I've been diagnosed with anxiety, depression, and an eating disorder (bulimia in october, and then my diagnosis got changed to purging disorder). I also self harm and have attempted suicide.
A month or so ago I decided I had to stay alive. I wish I could say I was doing this for myself but I'm not quite there yet. But I can't leave my siblings. I love them too much to put them through that. So since I'm stuck on earth I decided I'm going to make the most of it. I don't necessarily mean that in the most conventional way though.
Some days that means lying in bed watching tv because that's all I have the energy for. But hey, I have a long list of movies and TV shows to watch.
Some days that means studying super hard and throwing new tricks at gymnastics practice and talking to my profs about there research.
Some days that means self destructing because sometimes its okay to not be okay as long as you stay alive.
And some days that means going to coffee shops and listening to motivating music and enjoying the beauty of life.
All I'm saying is that I'm going to take it day by day and do what I have to do to stay alive. Because that is my first priority.
My second priority is world domination through math. But honestly, as long as one day I can get paid for solving puzzles and doing math every day I'll be content.
I'm going to do my best to not be triggering, and if I think anything I post might be triggering I'll warn you. However, I haven't fully committed to recovery yet- so much of my self definition is wrapped into all my disorders. But I'm trying. So this isn't a recovery blog, I'm just hopping to reach out to anyone going through similar things and force me to write down my thoughts every so often.
-Niqi
xoxo
Langganan:
Postingan (Atom)