Exercise

It was asked on Twitter how one keeps a regular exercise routine with clinical depression. I am by no means an expert at this and have gone months at a time without exercise due to my depression, but overall I seem to be able to manage it. 

One of the great things about exercise is that it can help improve mood in the short term. By no means does it cute depression like some people seem to think it does, but the endorphins do enhance your mood for a little bit. In fact, one of the techniques I use to avoid binging and purging is doing as many push-ups as I can when upset. 

Here are some of the things I do to help get me to exercise. 

Reward yourself for exercise: I have a Netflix show that I only allow myself to watch while on the elliptical. 

Do something fun. Do Zumba in your room or buy a hoola hoop to play around with. 

If you get anxious about going out, don't. Workout at home!

Wake up, drink a coffee and go workout right away before the depression hits you. I find I have half an hour of being okay before my mood sinks. 

Join a class. Then you have a bit of accountability. Even better, join a team. That way you have to go or let the team down. 

Hope some of that helped. 

Drowning

I'm drowning. I only got 60% on a midterm for a course that I've already taken. I'm such a failure. Why can't I be normal. Why did I have to spend a month and a half in the hospital. Why am I so damn stupid??

I want to go to grad school. I want to study algebra. But it's going to be hard to do that if I can barely pass an undergraduate algebra course. I graduate in December and I'm freaking out. My grades aren't going to get me into graduate school.

I wrote another midterm today, and I think it went well. Now I have two assignments due next week. Two classes that I'm a month behind so I need to catch up. My thesis presentation is in 23 days.

I'm on campus now and want to run away. Not just home, to somewhere warm. Somewhere sunny. Somewhere with a grad school that will accept me. Somewhere where I don't need to stress. My anxiety is eating me up. I don't know what to do anymore. How do I get through the next 52 days?

obsessions

I saw my psychiatrist yesterday and the appointment actually went quite well. I was worried that she would tell me to drop my semester due to my hospitalization. She told me it seemed like I had made some great improvements, and supported my decision to stay in school. I didn't tell her about going vegan because I'm worried she would say it's part of my eating disorder.

Quite honestly, me going vegan is slightly part of my eating disorder.

Here's how I see it.

I've had my eating disorder for seven years now. I hope to be fully recovered one day, but that doesn't seem possible right now. Right now though, the bulimia is killing me. Literally, I have heart palpitations regularly and get suicidal ideations. Bulimia is a way for me to obsess over food. I've decided to try shifting my obsession to fitness. I'm focusing on eating more, and gaining muscle. High protein food. Lots of veggies. Lots of workouts. I know this still isn't mentally healthy. But it's much more physically healthy.

Today I had:
3 vega bars
2 mini builders bars
3 mini clif bars
sweet potato fries
veggie stirfry
flat bread with peanut butter

Day 4

Yesterday I had my first gymnastics practice in months. I worked on some roundoffs, roundoff handsprings, standing tucks, and lots of conditioning. I ended up leaving early because I was just so tired. School is closed today due to the weather which is nice as I have a lot of catching up to do. Unfortunately this means that gymnastics is also closed and I was really looking forward to going in tonight. That's okay, my boyfriend is going to come over and help unknot my back, and then we'll go out for a drink.

Yesterday I had:
Apple
Oatmeal with peanut butter
Flat bread with peanut butter
All you can eat sushi - avocado rolls, yam avocado rolls, cucumber rolls, yam tempura and fried tofu!
2 mini clif builders bars

Day 3

Yesterday was a pretty good day. I wasn't able to sleep much the night before due to running into my ex who said some mean things to me, but they day itself was good. I went to the gym, worked on a new floor routine, and studied a hell of a lot. (I have two midterms today).

Yesterday I ate:
oatmeal with protein powder and peanut butter
apple
nachos and salsa
peanut butter
salad with ginger sesame dressing

Day two and new goals

I have officially changed my goal weight. Instead of my goal weight being 10lbs lower than my current weight, it is now 15lbs HIGHER.

Yes, you read that right.

I have decided to get more into fitness. To gain muscle to become a better gymnast. And as much as I hate to gain weight, it's time I admit that's what I need to do to be my best, fit, healthy self.

So this new weight will be my high weight. However, last time I was at this weight, I was binging and purging non stop, gaining weight from the binges I didn't purge. This time I'm going to be doing weights and building strong lean muscle.

What motivated this change was watching a gymnastics competition. I was supposed to compete at this competition, and I couldn't due to my hospitalization. I was mad at myself for letting myself get so low that I couldn't compete. I know a lot of that is my depression and my borderline personality disorder, but I can't ignore that part of it was the bulimia. With this new goal, I feel comfortable that I'll be able to endulge a bit more and hopefully stop binging and purging. I want to win next year. And I can't win with my bulimia. I said 2017 was the year I was going to overcome bulimia, and I'm holding myself accountable to that.

Day two of veganism went well; I had
Oatmeal with frozen raspberries
Special K cereal
Sweet potato with olive oil
Vega protein bar
Mini clif bars
Marguerita (I went out last night!)
Sweet potato fries

Impulsivity

I realized that most of my recent posts have been about my bulimia, but I also want to write about my borderline personality disorder.

I thought I'd talk about a few ways I handle my impulsivity without self destructing. These don't help 100% of the time, but they do help.

1. Get upside down! I'm a gymnast so I go to the gym four times a week to do flips, and that gives me an outlet for a lot of my impuslivity, and also works as a mindfulness activity. Try power yoga, and open adult gym class or a trip to one of those new trampoline gyms. You could even try doing handstands, cartwheels or elbow stands in an open area.
2. SHOP! Impulsive spending is one of my behaviours, but it is possible to do this in a safe way. Try going to the dollar store, shopping for school supplies or even going to the grocery store (to buy healthy foods). I've used grocery shopping as an outlet for my impulsive spending by buying food I wouldn't normally buy, but will eat. I'll buy things like new protein powder or sushi. I even used textbook buying to calm my urge to impulsively spend money.
3. Drink a very hot or very cold beverage. This really helps my binge/purge urges. The temperature shock gets me to calm down. Taking a very hot (not burning though!) or cold shower works as well. 
4. Send a sexual text. This helps me with my sleeping around urges. Since having a boyfriend, the urges have calmed down, but I know it's a common thing with those who suffer with borderline. Instead of going and sleeping with strangers, try just sexting strangers over Tindr. I did this when I was single, and it was much safer than getting into a strangers car.

Reset: day 1

I fucked up. I binged and purged on non vegan food. I didn't want to post earlier because I was embarrassed, but I like being honest and open with you guys because I think it makes me more relatable. Changing your diet, especially when you have an eating disorder is HARD. When you're go-to cheap binge foods aren't vegan, and you're upset and impulsive, it's close to impossible to find vegan foods, especially when you're just starting this journey.

I'm going to start keeping a list of vegan binge foods which are easy to find and not too expensive. I'm not doing this to encourage binging, but as a way to help myself stick to my principles when I binge. I am hoping to recover this year (that's the goal of 2017!!) but I can't expect to be perfect as of today, and the selfhatred will be lower if I can stick to veganism while binging.

I have restarted my 30 days of veganism journey.

Yesterday I had:
Oatmeal, chia seeds, Arbonne protein powder, raspberries
Sweet potato, cucumber hummus, olive oil
Vegetable rolls
Frozen raspberries
Vietnamese sweet and sour veggie soup

Today is off to a good start. My eating disorder is yelling at me to binge and purge, but I think I'm going to get a bit of dark chocolate to soothe the cravings instead of giving in.

day 2

Day two was a bit tougher due to binge urges. I ended up binging and purging but managed to stay vegan! It wasn't the binge food I wanted so my binge ended up being smaller and less intense then I was hoping but I know that's a good thing.


Breakfast: oats with chocolate stevia
Snack: way too much candy
Lunch: veg sushi, crackers and hummus
Binge/purge
Snack: apple and cranberry juice

Bulimia shopping

Last night, as I was picking up some (vegan) candy to snack on while going back to the hospital, I saw a girl anxiously pacing through the store.

She had picked up two cold drinks from Tim Hortons, plus chocolate, arrowroot cookies and a bottle of water.

As she was leaving I saw her spit some of her drink into the trash.

It just screamed bulimia. Maybe I look for it because of my illness. She could have been picking up food for a friend. She could have gum in her mouth that she was spitting out. But I got the feeling that she was bulimic.

I wanted to approach her and tell her to be safe, and that it would be okay, but I know if someone did that to me while binge shopping I would be very upset. I just felt an odd connection with this stranger, like we understood each other. I didn't say anything, and I know that's for the best.

But it did get me wondering, who notices me when I'm binge shopping? What do they think of me? Have other bulimics seen me and thought the same way?

Day one

I am embarking on a veganism journey. I've been vegetarian for years, and have been tempted to try veganism but never committed. I have decided to commit for thirty days, and see what happens. It only takes 21 days to form a habit, so I'm hoping that by the end of the thirty days I'll have adjusted to the vegan lifestyle, and be able to continue going forward.

Today I ate:

Breakfast: oats with almonds

Lunch: 3 clif bars on the run

Dinner: Mixed veg, 2 vegan burger patties

Desert/Snack: Salted caramel vegan frozen yogurt, clif bar


I've been running around a lot today; still living at the hospital but being able to go to class, so a had to grab a handful of clif bars to get me through the day. I'm super thankful that they're vegan.

Housing

I don't want to go into too much detail because it will do nothing but upset me.

Since this last hospitalization of mine, things have started to get rough between my roommate and I. The communication between us was quite poor and it lead to some arguments. Thankfully, neither of us are confrontational so there was no yelling or screaming involved, but some very upsetting things were said.

The thing that got to me the most was when my friend said she felt as though I wasn't trying. I'm trying my ass off. I'm not in the hospital to dick around. I'm here to get better. To be safe. If I didn't want to get better I'd be overdosing a lot more, skipping class, binging and purging all the time, and I would have checked myself out of the hospital a long time ago. As much as I want to die, part of me doesn't, and that part of me is working so damn hard to try to get better.

Because of this, my roommate and I have decided to get different houses (well, I decided this and I don't know how much it's affecting her). She hasn't replied to my messages which worries me, I don't want this to be personal, I just think it would be better if we lived apart.

I really wish I could afford to live alone. That's the dream. I'm hoping once I move across the country for graduate school I'll be able to live alone. That means 10 more months of undergrad, paying cheap rent, living with a roommate in order to save up enough money to live alone in 2018. I get a lot of anxiety living with other people, especially with regards to food. The idea that someone else knows exactly what I'm eating makes me feel judged. It makes only my bedroom a safe place, instead of having my entire house be a safe place. I feel as though I need to wear a mask even in my own house.

I'm just hoping I'm able to get my own apartment next year. That's the goal. I need to save my money - which means less binging and purging - in order to have the finances to do so.

Weekend pass

I'm out!!
Well, just for the weekend, but that's a start. If this weekend goes well I'm hoping to get discharged at the end of next week.

My plans for this weekend are pretty boring - studying, studying and more studying...

... except for tonight. Tonight I'm going to my friends, switching out our belly button piercings, re-piercing my nose and having a couple drinks. Probably all with Grey's Anatomy playing in the background.

I'm just so looking forward to getting out and sleeping in my own bed.

existential crisis, piercings and tattoo

Things are looking up, Finally.

My therapist poked a hole in my existential crisis logic today. My logic was as follows;

We're all going to die. The human race will die. The earth will get engulfed by the sun. What is the point? In the grand scheme of things it doesn't matter. Why bother?

He answered me as follows:
Do you watch movies? Or do you skip them because you know their going to end. In the grand scheme of things it doesn't matter?

He's right. I enjoy movies even though there's no point in the end. We do lots of things that have no point in the end. But we still do them. And we should do life.


In other news I got my belly button pierced today! And no, I'm not at my UGW, and today I decided that that didn't matter. I don't need to be a certain weight to get pierced.

I have updated my tattoo design, which I will hopefully be getting next weekend as long as my discharge goes as planned. The lotus flower represents how I've risen from my eating disorder (neda symbol) and my stepmom's passing (star).