obsessions

I saw my psychiatrist yesterday and the appointment actually went quite well. I was worried that she would tell me to drop my semester due to my hospitalization. She told me it seemed like I had made some great improvements, and supported my decision to stay in school. I didn't tell her about going vegan because I'm worried she would say it's part of my eating disorder.

Quite honestly, me going vegan is slightly part of my eating disorder.

Here's how I see it.

I've had my eating disorder for seven years now. I hope to be fully recovered one day, but that doesn't seem possible right now. Right now though, the bulimia is killing me. Literally, I have heart palpitations regularly and get suicidal ideations. Bulimia is a way for me to obsess over food. I've decided to try shifting my obsession to fitness. I'm focusing on eating more, and gaining muscle. High protein food. Lots of veggies. Lots of workouts. I know this still isn't mentally healthy. But it's much more physically healthy.

Today I had:
3 vega bars
2 mini builders bars
3 mini clif bars
sweet potato fries
veggie stirfry
flat bread with peanut butter

Best of 2016

2016 has been a shit year for many, including myself. But great writing tends to emerge during difficult times. Here are what I consider to be my top 15 pieces from 2016.

15. reflections from the hospital


14. Days Weeks Months Years


13. Why they need to get rid of atypical anorexia


12. To the girl who thinks she's smarter than this


11. #eatittobeatit


10. This one's for the girl


9. My depression is ugly


8. Faking perfection


7. Thinspo: video (no images, don't worry)


6. How to help a suicidal friend


5. Orthorexia


4. 7 things I want you to know as you're staring into the toilet bowl


3. A week with borderline personality disorder


2. Counting down (link to buy my poetry book, one of my greatest accomplishments so far)


1. Cat pictures (because my cat is the best thing that has happened to me this year)

Orthorexia

It started with lunch, whole grain bread, skinless chicken and spinach sandwiches. Fruit flavored yogurt as desert. Hitting all four food groups with one perfectly balanced meal, before going out for a 10 mile run.
Dinner was brown rice, broccoli and salmon., with a smoothie on the side.

Common meals that nutritionists eat, hitting those 7 servings of fruit and veggies every day. Getting recipes from Pinterest, and smiling as I indulged in a burger every so often.

I heard somewhere that it was healthier to be a vegetarian, and I really like animals, so I cut out red eat then chicken the fish. My lunch became whole grain bread, eggs and spinach. dinner was brown rice, broccoli and tofu. Things were good. I could eat work and play, running 12 miles a day. I felt healthier and knew I wasn't hurting animals.

Turns out that all animal products are bad, and cows and chickens are tortured for milk and eggs, so I said bye to the yogurt and cheese and the eggs. I was being healthier right? And saving the world at the same time. Everyone looked up to me, my discipline, my health, my care for the planet. I was down to running 8 miles per day but I was unstoppable. I was eating my whole grain bread, more than seven servings of fruits and vegetables a day and almond milk has the same nutrients as cow milk right?

That was all well and good until I found out gluten was bad because now I'm eating oatmeal with berries three times a day, and dry leaves on a plate when I go out with friends. I'm making cakes that taste like chalk from recipes off of Pinterest, but the girls posing beside the cake look so happy and radiant so if I eat the same things I'll look the same way, right?  My friend's are annoyed cause I can't have a beer but that's okay because alcohol slows down my five mile runs.

Did you know that humans used to only eat raw, and that's better for you because the nutrients don't get cooked out. And I swear it's possible to eat normally with only raw foods, using zucchini as pasta, and you can make your own granola out from seeds and agave. It takes me a couple hours to prepare every meal, so I have to work from home, and I can never go out to eat, so I never go out with friends. I finish my three mile run with a cup of green tea to fully detoxify my body. I'm broke because of the money I'm spending on dates, and no one wants to take me out on a date, because what do you do with a girl who won't eat anything?

I'm scared to even touch something I can't eat. What if the unhealthiness seeps into my skin. I don't trust others to not cover my food with lard, and I can't have someone watch me eat. I only eat at my white kitchen table scrubbed clean before and after every meal. I haven't gotten my period in month but that's good because I no longer have to take birth control and artificial hormones are bad. I take three times the recommended dose of Omega 3 but my hair is still falling out. I've cut anything processed, anything not pure. I've cut out animals, gluten, fat, friends, family, love, happiness and life. I'm only living for the next meal. I'm terrified of that brown rice, broccoli and salmon dinner I used to have.

I don't run like I used to, I can barely walk a mile, so I lay down in bed and wonder what the hell happened to me.

Fitbit-orexia

Fitbits have gone from being something athlete's wear in order to specialize their training and diets, to a fashion accessory that everyone - from my slightly active family members, to my therapist - are wearing.

But why? 

In most cases, calorie counting is the wrong way to go about dieting. Healthy eating choices, being aware of hunger cues and moderate exercise is the current recommended method to lose weight (if weight loss is needed). It seems that individuals at their set point weights are trying to lose more weight in order to be thin, thinking that thin is synonymous with health. 

Thin and healthy are very different things. In fact, many elite athletes are less 'healthy' than a moderately active individual, due to the strain they put on their body to be at the top of their sport. Looking up to fitness models as inspiration is not the same as looking up to health. Trying to sculpt out a specific body type is actually quite destructive, leading to poor body image. 

What do Fitbits have to do with this?

Many behaviors of those who use Fitbits are similar to eating disorder symptoms. These include: 

• Calorie counting
• Tracking food intake
• Tracking exercise
• Over exercising
• Restricting food intake
• Making up for overeating with excessive exercise
• Having weight loss competitions

We've been tricked by marketing companies that these are good behaviors That these behaviors make us stronger and healthier. They don't. They encourage disordered eating patterns. These behaviors can trigger eating disorders in those who are genetically pre-dispositioned.

There's also the issue of trusting these little devices. Many get very attached to the number they see on their Fitibit. Whether it be how many calories they burned, how many calories they ate, or how many steps they took. How do you know that this is accurate? Waving your arm around makes the device think you took more steps.

When it comes to fitbits, my first thought is of how destructive they can be. I see why they would be helpful in some situations, but I don't think that's the general case. I especially don't think that fitbit competitions should be a part of the system.

If you're planning on getting a fitbit, make sure you're doing it for the right reasons, and that you don't start sliding down a very slippery slope.