Group

I had my first week of group this past week. Tuesday wasn't too bad. Yesterday was awful.

We were talking about values. And the facilitator showed a video of a woman talking about how she used to be homophobic and lost friends due to that, and how she's now conflicted because her values have changed.

You can't just hurt people because of your values. Somethings ARE black and white. Homophobia is bad. Racism is bad. There is no grey area. You can't defend yourself for being this way because of your values. Being hateful doesn't infringe on your values, it infridges on other people's lives.

I had an individual appointment today and explained my anger. She switched me to the earlier group so that I do the have to face that facilitator anymore. Thank goodness. I was ready to drop out of the program.

I would have just dropped out of he program if it weren't for one thing. My place in the eating disorder program is conditional on me completing this first program.

I'm hoping next week goes better with the new facilitators. It's a short group, only seven weeks, and I've got one week down. I can get through this.

Food

I haven't purged since I've been at my grandma's and I'm really really happy about that, but today for breakfast I had a big waffle, and I had four cookies at lunch so I'm basically a whale and there's going to be pie at desert.

"Discipline is choosing what you want most over what you want now"

What I want most is to be a mathematician. Not a bulimic, but a mathematician.

What I want now is to purge my guts out, then binge then purge again.


But I need to chose what I want most. What I want most is to be a mathematician. And I can't do that if I'm wasting time and mental energy purging, and letting my brain waste away from undernourishment.

It's okay to indulge every so often, especially when you're on vacation celebrating with family. I haven't gained any weight since I've been here, and I can't gain 10 pounds overnight. Everything will be okay.

I'm using my delay skill right now to help me through the day. I'm delaying destructive behaviors. I'm telling myself that I can fast tomorrow if I want to. Hopefully tomorrow I won't want to fast, and I'll be refreshed and ready to fight again.

Overcoming depression

Some plans I've made for myself regarding emotion regulation and battling my depression

I found this to be a really helpful exercise, and really help me feel confident about leaving the hospital. I highly recommend trying a similar journaling activity!

Mindfulness.

To be perfectly honest, I always thought mindfulness was the most ridiculous thing in the world. When I was admitted, I sat through mindfulness groups rolling my eyes and making up elaborate escape plans that would have never worked. But once I got discharged I started to notice some things. Mindfulness is a skill that I have used in the past - I just wasn't aware of it. However, my mindfulness activities are different then the average.
I struggled with mindful breathing, and yoga and those types of activities. I could not stop my brain from wandering and ended up having panic attacks after those activities.
But some of my other coping strategies became a lot more effective when I viewed them as mindfulness activities.

Some of my most common "mindfulness" strategies are:
- listening to music
This one is perhaps more obviously mindful listening..

-knitting
So I suppose that this could be considered mindful movement. However I like to watch netflix at the same time, which means I am not 100% in the moment. The focus I have on the knitting needes help me focus all my brain energy into something, while allowing myself to get carried away into whatever tv show I'm watching.

-making bracelets
This is pretty similar to knitting for me, but you should go check out the bracelet project on tumblr. Its a great mental health awareness project and it gives me a purpose to the bracelets I'm making.

-gymnastics and dance
Both if these sports require 100℅ total focus. I find it so much easier to be mindful when my life depends on it then when I'm sitting on a yoga mat.

-puzzles
I love math. Hence why I'm a math major. Sitting down and doing a sudoku or similar puzzle is one of the best ways for me to be in the moment. I'm sure word searches or crosswords work just as well for those more language bases people!

Basically, what I'm trying to say, is that the skills they teach you in DBT can be used in so many ways. I have fought with my therapist with regards to weather or not I was practicing my skills or not, when in reality I wasn't practicing them in her way.
Some people need yoga and bubble baths to clear their heads, while others need to punch a boxing bag or do puzzles.

-Niqi
Xoxo