Holiday meal plan

I know that many of you are stressed with Christmas coming up (tomorrow is Christmas Eve!!) so I thought I would share some yummy safe dishes of mine I'll be eating. 

Obviously it will be weird for me to be eating different food than my family, but since I'm vegetarian, it happens anyways so I use that as my excuse to make my own food. It helps that my immediate family knows and are supportive/know that I'm 18 and there isn't much they can do. 

How to get through a three course Christmas meal: 

1. bread/salad. 

I make myself a very nice garden salad and fill up on this. I don't dress my salads, I simply put some salt and pepper on it. I often have the same salad my family is having, and ask them to leave the dressing on the side. I'll tend to skip the bread, when the bread basket goes around, or put a very small piece of bread in the basket and go for that one. Bread is such a fear food for me, I'd rather not be triggered to b/p right from the get go.

Salad ~ 50 (about two-three cups worth, no dressing)

Bread ~50 (for a small piece)

2. Main course. 

I replace the turkey with tofurky roast (125 per tenth of the roast) and then have a plateful of steamed veggies (about 50 for two cups). I can't do potatoes, so I always skip those. 

3. Desert. 

This is the though one and seems to ALWAYS lead me to binging and purging. I plan on loading up on fruit salad (about 80 for a cup) and some light whipped cream to look like I'm indulging (25 per quarter cup)

In total your meal can easily be under 400cals, and you still feel part of the Christmas celebrations. 

Good luck!

-Niqi

xoxo

Friends

I tried seeing people today. I was social for 4 and a half hours. I currently want to sleep for 20 years. Why are social interactions so exhausting? Of course, now it is almost dinner time so I have to be social with my family.
I swear the holidays are more tiring then the school year. At least during the school year I can claim that the reason I'm not being social is because of readings and assignments.. It's kinda hard to do that during the break.
Ughh I need to sleep. A lot. Or just be alone for ever... Why are social interactions expected of me?

-Niqi
xoxo

happy happy holidays

The holidays are a wonderful time of year. If you're happy that is.

I should be in the hospital. But there is no more help they can give me. 

My family is gonna hate having me around because I'm going to lock myself in my room the entire time.

I'll eat my own Christmas dinner at the end of the table. Eating delicious pan fried veggies with no oil while everyone else feasts on turkey. All for nothing because then I will binge on cookies and pie.
I never understood why suicide rates went up around the holidays. Everyone seems so happy and festive. I get it now. Being the only unhappy one is quite a lonely feeling.

-Niqi
xoxo

Questions questions questions

... I know I'm going to have to answer all of these the second I see my parents:

• How is school?
• How is treatment?
• How is recovery? 
• How much are you purging? 
• How much are you restricting? 
• Why do you care so much about your weight? 
• Why do you care so much about your grades?
• What are your grades like?
• How did exams go?
• How was the semester?
• Did you get to know any of your profs?
• Why did you spend so much money? 
• Why is there an ambulance charge on your credit card? 
• Can't you see how much your hurting us? 
• Does your eyeliner have some sort of deep meaning? 
• Why don't you want to talk to us? 
• Why don't you want to play with your siblings?
• Why don't you want to go see your highschool friends? 
• Did you lose weight? 
• Did you gain weight? 
• Do you know how much we love you?
• Are you still trying to lose weight? 
• Are you going to get a scholorship? 
• How much are your books going to cost next year?
• What are your new years resolutions? 
• Do you still like your therapist?
• Why aren't you ding treatment at the hospital?
• Why don't you want to stay longer? 
• What meds are you on now?
• Why do you need blood work done so often? 
• Is it safe for you to have meds in your room? 
• Why are you taking so many vitamins? 
• Is that enough food for breakfast/lunch/dinner?
• Isn't that a lot of food?
• Are you going to purge that? 
• Where did all our alcohol go? 

-Niqi

xoxo

I'm ginormous

I'm ginormous.
A big piece of lard.
Expanding every day at an exponential speed.
I lose a pound yet it looks like I gained 4.
So I lose some more. And more and more.
Until I eat the entire kitchen.
And then start again.
Oh joy.

-Niqi
xoxo

Burnt out too soon

A week and half too soon.
10 days to be exact.
4 more finals to write and I'm already done.
Ready to throw in the towel.

I'm crying myself to sleep.
Wondering when this will end.
Feeling, tired and worthless.

I starve myself to deal with the stress.
But how can I concentrate when I have no food?

10 days. You can do it. 10 days.

-Niqi
xoxo

Pre exams

Exam one is today. In one hour and 50 minutes. Honestly, I feel okay. I'm starting with the easy one. How bad can it be? We get two hours to answer 60multiple choice. Our midterm was 30 multiple choice and I finished in 15 minutes.
Deep breaths Niqi. Its going to be okay. Breathe in, breathe out. I made the smart decision of taking our my anxiety at the gym this morning. Start burning off the remaining 4.2lbs of the 5 I gained over the past week. God I hate my body right now.

Anyways, I'm actually writing this while on a stationary bike. I hate writing exams not in the morning. 90% of the time my good mood only lasts in the morning. I'm in a good mood now, but who knows if it will last through the exam.... Stupid BPD. The worst is not knowing how you're going TP feel. I feel great now, which means I could also feel great tonight or I could trip over a rock and become suicidal. So please good mood.. Last until 2:30pm. That's all I need from you. I'm pumping you with endorphins, I'll hydrate you and I'm even going to feed you (!!). Just continue feeling good until after my exam!

-Niqi
xoxo

Safe study snacks

Exams are coming and I always want to snack while studying.
Here are some good snacks you can snack on without feeling to guilty or leading to binge/purge

- rice cakes (35-60/cake depending on the case)

- chocolate covered espresso beans (216 for 28 pieces, but satisfying and has caffeine. I treat myself with these) (nice caffeine boost, and such a strong flavor I don't want to binge)

- apples (80 each) (give a really good energy boost as well, other fruit works as well!)

- frozen berries (70/cup) eat them frozen and slowly

- veggies (50/cup) with hummus (35/2tbsp if you find the light stuff) or salsa (25/.25 cup) or just some spices (~0)

- Candy canes (50 each) (okay fine nothing good nutritionally, but low cal, no fat, peppermint curbs cravings and takes a long time to eat. If anyone ever finds sugar free candy canes they must let me know ASAP)


Since I'm on the topic, what do you guys eat before exams?
All my exams are in the morning, so my standard is a coffee (~0), apple (80) and oatmeal (130) = 210. More then my normal breakfast intake, but it keeps me satisfied throughout my exam. I also always chew a piece of mint gum while writing, and keep a water bottle with me.

Good luck studying darlings, and remember, if you need to up your cals to focus on school, do so!! You have a break after and can adjust your eating after. Please focus on exams and plan your food so you don't burn out before they end.

-Niqi
xoxo

Coffee

I either like my coffee black, or super sweet and creamy in a mocha. I don't even want to think about the amount of money and calories I spent on salted caramel mochas this season.

BUT I FOUND THE BEST OF BOTH WORLDS
-1-2c coffee
-2tbsp light hot chocolate powder
-pinch of cinnamon
-1/4c coconut milk

Make the coffee strong, and it tastes like a strong mocha with a kick from the cinnamon. The coconut milk adds flavor and rounds it out. Total calories = 50. Less then half the calories in a grande skinny Starbucks mocha or latte. And if you have good coffee, the coconut really makes it taste better.

So next time you're having the "I need to binge on Starbucks" feeling (that I get a lot..), here is a satisfying low cal solution.

-Niqi
xoxo

To eat or not to eat

That is the question.

But it's not the only question.

See if the answer is no, then I have to plan my day around that. Are I going to drink? If so, zero cal drinks or any drinks? Or just water? What about electrolytes? Are Powerade drops acceptable? Is crystal light cheating? It's zero cals but I'm basically eating fruit salad. At least flavour wise. But I probably couldn't live without my crystal light. What about gum? If I chew it for an hour it makes up for the calories in it? How vigorously do I need to chew it? What about broth? Is broth a food or a drink? It has a lot of sodium, so how many glasses of water do I make myself drink for every cup of broth? And if broth is a drink, what about a brothy soup? A vegetable soup only adds about 30cals to the broth, but then it's loaded with vitamins. So is that okay?

What if I do eat? How many meals? One large one or several small? Carbs or no carbs? Fat or no fat? Do I count spices in my calorie count? How much do I workout? Do I count net calories or total calories? What about bloating? Do I indulge in a treat? If I do, should I purge? What if I overeat healthy food? I feel guilty for purging but it needs to come out. What about laxing? How many? What type? What am I doing in 12 hours? I could always say fuck it and just binge and purge. But how much money am I willing to spend? What time do I need to go out to buy food so my housemates don't notice me coming back with cartons of icecream, cookies, and frozen pizzas. What if my gag reflex stops again and I can't get it all out?

This runs through my mind every second of every minute of every day.

So the next time you tell me that it's easy, that I should just eat a balanced diet, or that I'm not trying hard enough shut the hell up.

It's not that easy.

I keep my days filled with school work and extra-curriculars so that my brain doesn't have time to panic about food. I eat while doing work, because if not, there is no way that meal will stay down. I study best when I'm hungry, because that is when my self esteem is at it's highest.

I'm trying. I really am.
But this has become who I am. I'm taking baby steps, taming the monster.

Honestly, the best thing you can do for me is not comment. If I bring it up, that's fine. If not, be quiet.

-Niqi
xoxo

Fucking mood swings

Everything is great. I'm productive, light restricting, exercising and pretending to be functional. I actually start to think that maybe things are turning around. Just maybe I actually am getting better. Maybe my meds do work. Maybe I can overcome this hell. Then bamn. I run into someone or something that triggers me. My old residence manager, my weigh in was bad, I don't lift as much as I wanted to, I ran out of bananas. Literally anything. It could be the tiniest thing. Sometimes it's nothing. And all of a sudden every thing sucks. My skin is itching to be cut, I just want to see blood drip. I want to scratch away at the skin covering my bones. I want to cut the fat off my stomach. I'm losing control. What I crave so much, and strive for every day but now I'm losing it. I leave my house in a fury and jump on the first bus that will take me to a grocery store. Cookie dough, chocolate, oreos, whipped cream, pizza pops, pretzels, peanut butter, and ice cream all go into my basket. Realizing I probably shouldn't be spending this much money on food I know I'm going to purge, I slip some into my coat pockets and bag before heading to the cash register. I have about 20$ left this week for food, since my shopping trips are so small from restricting during my good days. I spend it all. I start eating on the bus ride home, doing my best to seem in control and not shoving food in my face as fast as I can. I get back to my house hoping to run down to my room before my housemates see me and start a conversation. I'm so fucking inpatient. They've gotten good at noticing when I'm not doing well. I run down to the basement and through the curtains into my room, hoping that no one decides to go play video games in the adjacent room. I sit down and open boxes of cookies and peanut butter and realize I forgot cutlery. Screw it. I dip the cookie in peanut butter, put a piece of chocolate on top and spray out some whipped cream. I take a bite. Finally. Relief. I feel so damn great now. I eat more and more until I am no longer in control. My stomach no longer wants food, but my brain still does. I head to the bathroom and purge a bit so I can shove more food in. This repeats until I get into the shower for my final purge. I purge and purge as burning hot waters sprays onto my back. Drinking water coming out of the shower head to avoid big clumps of food coming out that will clog the drain. When I'm finally empty, the sense of security comes back to me. I'm in control. I can do whatever I want. I get out of the shower, put some clothes on and go back to my homework, or practice as if nothing had happened. This lasts a couple of hours until I start having flashbacks to all the food I ate, how I lost control, how pathetic I am, reach for my blade, lighter or simply start scratching. I then give up. Pop a couple pills and head to bed, so the monster in my head will calm down for a bit. Maybe tomorrow will be better I tell myself as I drift into sleep.

-Niqi
xoxo

Why bother

I don't see why I should bother. I try to get better, and I get knocked down. I binge and feel relief. Purge and feel power. Restrict and feel control. I don't know how to get those addicting feelings without my destructive cycles.
But why bother? I'll live a shorter life filled with emotions caused my ED. But at least those emotions will include relief, power and control instead of sadness, fear and stress.
We are all addicted to something that takes away the pain.
Don't take from me what I use to take away the pain.
Please understand.
I can't recover. I just can't.

-Niqi
xoxo

Cancer...

I'm scared.
My esophagus is wearing down.
This could lead to cancer.
I know the likely hood of this happening is slim. But the chance of it happening now is higher than it was last week, before I had to go to the ER because I was having absolutely terrible painful acid reflux. I've always known that my eating disorder could kill me, but somehow that has always been okay. Something about cancer makes it scarier. It's not scary enough for me to want to recover. You can't be scared into recovery. Just scary enough for me to cry myself to sleep every night.
It doesn't help that both my dad and stepmom struggled with cancer when they were healthy individuals. And here I am slowly killing myself and increasing my chances of getting this disease everytime I stick my fingers down my throat. It still isn't stopping me. I hate myself so much for this.
Esophageal cancer only has a 15% survival rate 5yrs after diagnosis. It is one of the most fatal cancers. You can't eat with this disease.. so my one way of being able to cope with stress will disappear. It will be a long and painful death.
I'm scared.
I don't want my life to end like this.
But being scared only leads me to bingeing and purging more and more. I can't stop. I need help but I refuse it.  I don't know how I'm ever going to get out of this.

-Niqi
xoxo

I'm exhausted

I feel like crap. I want to curl up in a ball and disappear. I'm hungry, yet can't eat. I'm upping my intake to at least 1000, because I think my diet may be causing some of my problems. I just feel so uncomfortable and get such a large insurmountable urge to purge when I feel full. I feel powerful when I am slightly hungry. How messed up is that?
I worked out today, which usually makes me feel great - even if it isn't a great workout - but today I just felt weak. Walking to the library afterwards was a struggle, and I needed electrolytes after to keep me going. I feel like such a failure. The worst part is, my eating disorder voice is getting stronger. It's funny how we are able to trick ourselves into thinking that we will just keep part of our disorder. It doesn't work like that. It's all or nothing.
I also want to binge so badly, and my dad just made muffins... I actually bought a bunch of binge food yesterday (spent 32$..), ate half a liter of ice cream, and gave the rest of the food away. Thank goodness, or I would be bingeing on it now.
Ugh.. I guess I'll go to bed, hopefully 1000 and some strength training works for tomorrow. I have to figure this out before the school year starts.

-Niqi
xoxo

September plans

I have big plans for September. This year is going to be my year.
I created the 888 challenge for myself.

8 hours of sleep. 11pm-7am consistently. The only way I can get through a day of school and gymnastics is with enough sleep. It also helps the cravings go away, and reduces my urge to binge :) :)

8 hours of studying. This may seem like a lot, but I'm including class time. Every day from 8:30-4:30 I am going to be focused on my classes. I'm going to ace all of them. Who runs the world? me.

800kcal. Realistically, I'd like to be able to up this to 1200, but I'm not at a point where I can eat that much and not purge. At 800, I don't feel the need to binge (most days), and I have enough energy to get through the day. I also eat a protein bar before going to gymnastics as 'fuel'. It doesn't count as food, I don't put it in my daily calorie count, and I do my best not to think about it. I know that 800 won't be sustainable in the long run, but if I start here, I won't purge as much, and hopefully save my heart. Then I will slowly increase my calorie count, until I am hopefully maintaining a weight that I feel comfortable with, and is relatively healthy. I've been using my ED as a coping mechanism for so long, that I'm not ready to let go of it just yet. I know that half assing recovery won't do me any good, but I'm working really hard to overcome my depression, SH, and suicidal ideations first. Once I have a will to live, maybe I'll want to get healthy. But when you have no desire to live, it is pretty hard to care about your physical health.

I'm hoping with this regularity, I'll be able to keep myself semi-sane and not end up in IP treatment again. That's the goal. (As well as world domination and straight A's of course..)

-Niqi
xoxo

13

13 must be unlucky
It's the year things got bad
It's the year I was lonely
When I was surrounded by people.

13 must be unlucky
It's the year I grew up
It's the year I became a woman
When I wanted to be a kid.

13 must be unlucky
It's the year I got anxious
Its the year I felt abandoned
When I wanted to be hugged.

But I hope that for you
13 won't be so wicked
And maybe you will find
The magic in madness.

Niqi
xoxo