Coffee

I either like my coffee black, or super sweet and creamy in a mocha. I don't even want to think about the amount of money and calories I spent on salted caramel mochas this season.

BUT I FOUND THE BEST OF BOTH WORLDS
-1-2c coffee
-2tbsp light hot chocolate powder
-pinch of cinnamon
-1/4c coconut milk

Make the coffee strong, and it tastes like a strong mocha with a kick from the cinnamon. The coconut milk adds flavor and rounds it out. Total calories = 50. Less then half the calories in a grande skinny Starbucks mocha or latte. And if you have good coffee, the coconut really makes it taste better.

So next time you're having the "I need to binge on Starbucks" feeling (that I get a lot..), here is a satisfying low cal solution.

-Niqi
xoxo

To eat or not to eat

That is the question.

But it's not the only question.

See if the answer is no, then I have to plan my day around that. Are I going to drink? If so, zero cal drinks or any drinks? Or just water? What about electrolytes? Are Powerade drops acceptable? Is crystal light cheating? It's zero cals but I'm basically eating fruit salad. At least flavour wise. But I probably couldn't live without my crystal light. What about gum? If I chew it for an hour it makes up for the calories in it? How vigorously do I need to chew it? What about broth? Is broth a food or a drink? It has a lot of sodium, so how many glasses of water do I make myself drink for every cup of broth? And if broth is a drink, what about a brothy soup? A vegetable soup only adds about 30cals to the broth, but then it's loaded with vitamins. So is that okay?

What if I do eat? How many meals? One large one or several small? Carbs or no carbs? Fat or no fat? Do I count spices in my calorie count? How much do I workout? Do I count net calories or total calories? What about bloating? Do I indulge in a treat? If I do, should I purge? What if I overeat healthy food? I feel guilty for purging but it needs to come out. What about laxing? How many? What type? What am I doing in 12 hours? I could always say fuck it and just binge and purge. But how much money am I willing to spend? What time do I need to go out to buy food so my housemates don't notice me coming back with cartons of icecream, cookies, and frozen pizzas. What if my gag reflex stops again and I can't get it all out?

This runs through my mind every second of every minute of every day.

So the next time you tell me that it's easy, that I should just eat a balanced diet, or that I'm not trying hard enough shut the hell up.

It's not that easy.

I keep my days filled with school work and extra-curriculars so that my brain doesn't have time to panic about food. I eat while doing work, because if not, there is no way that meal will stay down. I study best when I'm hungry, because that is when my self esteem is at it's highest.

I'm trying. I really am.
But this has become who I am. I'm taking baby steps, taming the monster.

Honestly, the best thing you can do for me is not comment. If I bring it up, that's fine. If not, be quiet.

-Niqi
xoxo

NYC

I've been fortunate or crazy enough to visit NYC twice this fall and had such a good time.  Unbelievable time really.

My bestie and I travelled up in September and it was so much fun.  I think we brought a whole new meaning to shop to you drop.  At the end of day 1 I went and bought Statue of Liberty flip flops.  Pretty much nailed my goal to not look like a tourist don't you think?

Of course we hit up Tiffanys.

And we played the big piano at FAO. I LOVE this picture so much.  I mean you can't not have fun with Ricarda, she's such a firecracker.

We went to Juniors both times to have what I feel is the best cheesecake in the world.

And we saw Wicked!!! So so good.  Please see this just once if you can!

We also took a water taxi around the Statue of Liberty.  The weather was simply perfect that day.

We did one of the bus tours while we were there also and got to see a lot of neat sights.

Fast forward to the end of last month when I went back to NYC with the hubs…

I honestly was terrified he wouldn't enjoy himself, but he told me he had a really good time.

We stayed at the Palace and honestly I think I'd live there if I could.  I see why so many shows are filmed there.  Ahem Gossip Girl.

Lobby = Amaze.

We hit up the lounge one night and I told Shane to give me his best I've had a hard day on Wall Street face and this was what I got…Maybe he was just still absorbing the shock of my $30 glass of Veuve.

We had dinner the first night there at Tavern on the Green and the atmosphere was even more beautiful than I had hoped.

I wore this cute little back dress and broke out my favorite sparkly heels..

Gotta admit it was nice to shed my mom uniform and get dressed up a few days.

We had dinner at the Gramercy Park Terrace one night also and how cool is it the bartender got a pic with the Chrysler building in the background?

We also did a lot of tourist-y things this time too.  We strolled around Soho, Wall Street, and Ground Zero.  We did a carriage ride through Central Park and even caught the Kinky Boots play on Broadway.

Did I mention I even talked Shane into shopping a little?

I'm seriously ready to go back tomorrow!

Fat piece of shit

I'm a fat piece of shit.
Stupid worthless fat piece of shit.
Why am I even here?
Why do I bother.
I work my ass off. For what? A fucking 51% on my physics midterm?
I try to recover. For what? To relapse even worse then I ever did before?
I just want to give up.
Fall into a black abyss.
Leave forever.

-Niqi
xoxo

Back in control

I'm finally back on track
Although its a narrow track
I seem to be doing okay
Its like walking a tight rope
But I'm successful
I can keep moving forward
Without falling down
But one small push
One wrong step
A gust of wind
Will have me falling
Down
Down
Down
Back down to rock bottom
And I'm scared
That was a bad place
And I don't want to go back

-Niqi

xoxo

Fall Fun!

The month of October flies by speedier than its other 11 counterparts if you ask me.  Pumpkin patch visits, spooky sleepovers, trips to fun places and last but not least trick or treating!!

I think I love Halloween jammies more than any other holiday…and I think my kiddos do too.

We have 2 huge trees in our front yard and the kids were begging me to let them jump in the leaves.  One day the hubs raked and the kids messed up his piles.

Have I mentioned I love fall clothes too?  And my favorite little girl's brand Persnickety pretty much knocked it out of the park this fall.  My friends at Baby Bundles had a trunk show with yummy food all the new fall favorites.  Give Carsyn a reason to dress up and she.is.there.

Did I mention one of the perks of not living in the sticks is being close to a Krispy Kreme?  And in the same town of your awesome big sister who makes house calls?  Mel rocks.  Just look at those faces.

We also made our annual fall trip down to Nashville to visit my bloggy bestie Laura and her new baby, Cheney. 

How gorgeous is she? 

And these cuties…they just melt my heart!

We happened to have eaten at my favorite restaurant there twice.  Oops.

We decided to meet the Adams family at the Louisville zoo on the way back and the kids had so so much fun!

We made our annual trip to Boyd Orchards one beautiful fall day. 

(At this point I think I need to add Rosie accompanied us everywhere and I got not one single pic.  Sads.  The kids love her so much and not only am I grateful for her help I'm also grateful for her companionship too.  Note to self- More Rosie pics in November!)

Rosie and Carsyn made candy corn no bake cookies one day.

And I think this is the first year in forever I didn't carve a pumpkin.  Mel came to the rescue with these cute stickers and BONUS- the kids did every single bit of decorating.  Look how proud!

Halloween was so very cold here.  It actually snowed that night.  Luckily it don't interfere with my little superheroes' excitement.

The adults had Moes carryout and we set up kiddie snacks in the basement.  

Such a busy month! I've made the vow to stay home more in November.  Who thinks I can stick to it?

I can't

I can't anymore.
I can't wake up and pretend to be happy.
Force down a banana trying not to think of all the calories turning into fat.
Down a couple coffees to get through my day.
Put on makeup - no a mask.
Paste on a smile and get to campus.
Get through my classes, trying not to break down.
Because they just re-enforce how stupid I am.
Run home and binge and binge.
Do some homework then purge and purge.
Because the only time I feel is good is after that purging high.
But I can't do this anymore.
I'm done.

-Niqi
xoxo