Breakdown

I had a day pass with my mom yesterday. She was kind enough to drive the three and a half hours from her place to mine in order to come visit me.

It was lovely. We did some work at my favorite Starbucks (the one in the book store) and went to see a movie. We saw hidden figures which was absolutely amazing, I highly recommend it, especially if you're interested in physics/math/engineering. We then stopped at my house so I could pet my cat and pack up some food to bring to the hospital.

I had a breakdown coming back from the hospital. I asked my mom if she could let me die. I told her that everything was just too difficult and that I couldn't handle it. We cried and hugged and she told me how much she loves me and how she doesn't want to see me go. I really didn't want to go back to the hospital. I was given a glimpse at real life again and then had to let it go. I hate being here. I hate that I'm not safe enough to not be here. I hate that I'm depressed, anxious, borderline and bulimic. I hate that I was dealt these cards. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I just want to go home and play with my cat and do math at my desk and go to classes and go to gymnastics and have a life. I don't have one right now.

Best of 2016

2016 has been a shit year for many, including myself. But great writing tends to emerge during difficult times. Here are what I consider to be my top 15 pieces from 2016.

15. reflections from the hospital


14. Days Weeks Months Years


13. Why they need to get rid of atypical anorexia


12. To the girl who thinks she's smarter than this


11. #eatittobeatit


10. This one's for the girl


9. My depression is ugly


8. Faking perfection


7. Thinspo: video (no images, don't worry)


6. How to help a suicidal friend


5. Orthorexia


4. 7 things I want you to know as you're staring into the toilet bowl


3. A week with borderline personality disorder


2. Counting down (link to buy my poetry book, one of my greatest accomplishments so far)


1. Cat pictures (because my cat is the best thing that has happened to me this year)

emergency

I'm sitting in a bed in the medical emergency unit of my city's hospital after an overdose.

This overdose didn't come out of no where - I hadn't taken my meds properly for two days, and everything crumbled today. My bank wasn't helpful, I had to use a loan to pay for gymnastics, and even then didn't have it in me to go hand in my forms. Between the ste

I rescheduled today's plans for later this weekend or next week, and hopefully that all works out, There is the unfortunate chance that I'm stuck here for 24 hours.

My doctor thankfully just walked in and said my tylenol levels were fine. I just need to get one more text done, and I should be out in just over an hour!

So, overall, this experience wasn't too bad.

The only real bad part about the experience was the ambulance ride over,
This paramedic had been to our place a week before to pick up my roommate after an ativan overdose. She decided that it was her job to tell us how we should be living our lives, and kept on insinuating the relationship between my friend and I was destructive. Does she have depression? Does she know how supportive it is to live with someone who understands? It's your job to take patients to the hospital in a safe manner. Not to judge our lives.