I'm obsessed with the show Scandal, and have been binge watching it instead of studying.
I had a midterm yesterday and I completely winged it and I think it went okay. I do need to get my act together though, as I need these grades to get into graduate school.
I had a chat with one of my best friends yesterday, and we started talking about the future. About potentially marrying our current boyfriends. About going to graduate school in the area our boyfriends are. I'm lucky - I knew I wanted to go out west before my boyfriend decided to go out west, so it really works out for both of us. But what if it didn't? I never thought I'd be the type to follow a boy around but maybe I am. I'm only twenty, I know this might be too much to think about at my age. But in five years, it won't be. And five years isn't very long.
I made some sweet potato homefries today for lunch. They were delicious but had so much oil. I'm panicking over the amount of oil, but have convinced myself not to purge. I know I don't need to. I know that I'm better than this.
I work tonight, and I have to say, so far I like my job. I have a few issues with the company, but I'm sorting it out and going to talk to them. I like the fresh air, and how it forces me to get out of the house and interact with people. Even if the interaction is them slamming the door in my face. I find that as long as I don't get too attached, I really enjoy it.
I don't know what to do with food though regarding my job. I work 4pm-8pm. Which means I need to eat dinner at 3pm or 9pm. I don't get a break, but could always stop for two minutes and shovel a granola bar down my throat or something. But that's not really what I want to do. And it seems to throw off my schedule for the week.
I spent more money on my stepdad's credit card yesterday grocery shopping. I really need my government loan to come in so that I can pay him back and stop feeling guilty. The guilty feelings are leading to more impulse shopping which just worsens the situation.
Tampilkan postingan dengan label bulimia. Tampilkan semua postingan
Tampilkan postingan dengan label bulimia. Tampilkan semua postingan
Kamis, 11 Mei 2017
Kamis, 13 April 2017
"Vegans are in fake recovery"
Is something that my roommate has said to me a lot.
I disagree. Not only do I disagree, but I'm living proof that she's wrong. My binging and purging has gone WAY down since going vegan. I feel more comfortable with the food that I'm eating. Overall, I'm eating more, and purging less.
Today in therapy my new therapist and I talked about all the reasons that her comments upset me. Turns out I have cycles of thoughts and emotions that rush into my brain from her comments - and I didn't even know that it was going on! I thought it just angered me, but turns out that under that anger was fear, shame and guilt.
When she says things like this I tend to agree with her and play along. This makes me feel as though I'm betraying all my vegan friends as well as my beliefs. This leads to guilt. Then I get upset that I'm not living in accordance to my values, which leads to shame.
The fear comes from me being worried that she's right. She's farther along in her recovery so she would know more right? Wrong. She knows what worked for her recovery, not for mine. This works for me and I need to remember that.
In other news, I lost my job at the gym but got a different job supporting local farmers - the pay and the hours are better, so I'm glad things worked out this way.
I disagree. Not only do I disagree, but I'm living proof that she's wrong. My binging and purging has gone WAY down since going vegan. I feel more comfortable with the food that I'm eating. Overall, I'm eating more, and purging less.
Today in therapy my new therapist and I talked about all the reasons that her comments upset me. Turns out I have cycles of thoughts and emotions that rush into my brain from her comments - and I didn't even know that it was going on! I thought it just angered me, but turns out that under that anger was fear, shame and guilt.
When she says things like this I tend to agree with her and play along. This makes me feel as though I'm betraying all my vegan friends as well as my beliefs. This leads to guilt. Then I get upset that I'm not living in accordance to my values, which leads to shame.
The fear comes from me being worried that she's right. She's farther along in her recovery so she would know more right? Wrong. She knows what worked for her recovery, not for mine. This works for me and I need to remember that.
In other news, I lost my job at the gym but got a different job supporting local farmers - the pay and the hours are better, so I'm glad things worked out this way.
Senin, 03 April 2017
binge purge
It's been a rough couple of days.
The day before yesterday I did terrifically with food! Ate balanced meals, had protein, did a very positive grocery shopping trip. But then things started to fall apart.
Sunday was okay, until the end of the day. I was with a group doing a practice thesis presentation and it ran much longer than expected, so I ended up very hungry. My boyfriend and I went out for dinner after and by the time the food came I was just ridiculously hungry. I had a lovely veggie burger in a lettuce bun and some sweet potato fries. I wasn't going to purge. I wasn't. But I had to go to the bathroom and when I got there I just thought, why not?
Of course last nights incident triggered binging and purging today. Two sessions. And I missed a class because of this. And I had dairy.
I'm picking up my broken pieces now, trying to hold myself together enough to get a bit of work done and then go to gymnastics. I ate dinner - two burritos with veggie ground beef, salsa and lettuce. I didn't want to eat or train tonight, but I know it will put me in a better mindset. I know the effect gymnastics has on my mood, and I need that boost in mood. I also know that I'm very impulsive right now, and gymnastics is a safe outlet for my impulses.
The day before yesterday I did terrifically with food! Ate balanced meals, had protein, did a very positive grocery shopping trip. But then things started to fall apart.
Sunday was okay, until the end of the day. I was with a group doing a practice thesis presentation and it ran much longer than expected, so I ended up very hungry. My boyfriend and I went out for dinner after and by the time the food came I was just ridiculously hungry. I had a lovely veggie burger in a lettuce bun and some sweet potato fries. I wasn't going to purge. I wasn't. But I had to go to the bathroom and when I got there I just thought, why not?
Of course last nights incident triggered binging and purging today. Two sessions. And I missed a class because of this. And I had dairy.
I'm picking up my broken pieces now, trying to hold myself together enough to get a bit of work done and then go to gymnastics. I ate dinner - two burritos with veggie ground beef, salsa and lettuce. I didn't want to eat or train tonight, but I know it will put me in a better mindset. I know the effect gymnastics has on my mood, and I need that boost in mood. I also know that I'm very impulsive right now, and gymnastics is a safe outlet for my impulses.
Sabtu, 01 April 2017
April
It's April, so like at the beginning of most months, I'm going to promise to blog more regularly. Like every month, I'll most likely break this promise, but I wrote myself a little note on my desk to remind myself to blog this month!
It's been almost two weeks since I've written, so it's time for a little update.
I had a bad ankle sprain a week and a half ago, and it's taken me out of the gym which is so damn frustrating, I LOVE being in the gym. I'll be back at it doing some basics on Monday though!
Food wise, things have been going pretty decently. I broke my veganism yesterday/day before on a binge, but that's been my only real lapse since last time I've written. My weight gain is going well, a little too well in my opinion, but I know this is just temporary, gaining muscle and then I can go back to maintaining like I was before. I need to remember that no one is judging more for a 15lbs difference. Especially when it's muscle - it's barely noticeable!
Exam month has officially started, so my exam prep has begun. My concentration has been poor today, but I know it's something I'm going to have to work and push through for the next month. I can do this.
For all the French out there - here's a fish!
It's been almost two weeks since I've written, so it's time for a little update.
I had a bad ankle sprain a week and a half ago, and it's taken me out of the gym which is so damn frustrating, I LOVE being in the gym. I'll be back at it doing some basics on Monday though!
Food wise, things have been going pretty decently. I broke my veganism yesterday/day before on a binge, but that's been my only real lapse since last time I've written. My weight gain is going well, a little too well in my opinion, but I know this is just temporary, gaining muscle and then I can go back to maintaining like I was before. I need to remember that no one is judging more for a 15lbs difference. Especially when it's muscle - it's barely noticeable!
Exam month has officially started, so my exam prep has begun. My concentration has been poor today, but I know it's something I'm going to have to work and push through for the next month. I can do this.
For all the French out there - here's a fish!
Selasa, 14 Maret 2017
obsessions
I saw my psychiatrist yesterday and the appointment actually went quite well. I was worried that she would tell me to drop my semester due to my hospitalization. She told me it seemed like I had made some great improvements, and supported my decision to stay in school. I didn't tell her about going vegan because I'm worried she would say it's part of my eating disorder.
Quite honestly, me going vegan is slightly part of my eating disorder.
Here's how I see it.
I've had my eating disorder for seven years now. I hope to be fully recovered one day, but that doesn't seem possible right now. Right now though, the bulimia is killing me. Literally, I have heart palpitations regularly and get suicidal ideations. Bulimia is a way for me to obsess over food. I've decided to try shifting my obsession to fitness. I'm focusing on eating more, and gaining muscle. High protein food. Lots of veggies. Lots of workouts. I know this still isn't mentally healthy. But it's much more physically healthy.
Today I had:
3 vega bars
2 mini builders bars
3 mini clif bars
sweet potato fries
veggie stirfry
flat bread with peanut butter
Quite honestly, me going vegan is slightly part of my eating disorder.
Here's how I see it.
I've had my eating disorder for seven years now. I hope to be fully recovered one day, but that doesn't seem possible right now. Right now though, the bulimia is killing me. Literally, I have heart palpitations regularly and get suicidal ideations. Bulimia is a way for me to obsess over food. I've decided to try shifting my obsession to fitness. I'm focusing on eating more, and gaining muscle. High protein food. Lots of veggies. Lots of workouts. I know this still isn't mentally healthy. But it's much more physically healthy.
Today I had:
3 vega bars
2 mini builders bars
3 mini clif bars
sweet potato fries
veggie stirfry
flat bread with peanut butter
Senin, 13 Maret 2017
Day 3
Yesterday was a pretty good day. I wasn't able to sleep much the night before due to running into my ex who said some mean things to me, but they day itself was good. I went to the gym, worked on a new floor routine, and studied a hell of a lot. (I have two midterms today).
Yesterday I ate:
oatmeal with protein powder and peanut butter
apple
nachos and salsa
peanut butter
salad with ginger sesame dressing
Yesterday I ate:
oatmeal with protein powder and peanut butter
apple
nachos and salsa
peanut butter
salad with ginger sesame dressing
Minggu, 12 Maret 2017
Day two and new goals
I have officially changed my goal weight. Instead of my goal weight being 10lbs lower than my current weight, it is now 15lbs HIGHER.
Yes, you read that right.
I have decided to get more into fitness. To gain muscle to become a better gymnast. And as much as I hate to gain weight, it's time I admit that's what I need to do to be my best, fit, healthy self.
So this new weight will be my high weight. However, last time I was at this weight, I was binging and purging non stop, gaining weight from the binges I didn't purge. This time I'm going to be doing weights and building strong lean muscle.
What motivated this change was watching a gymnastics competition. I was supposed to compete at this competition, and I couldn't due to my hospitalization. I was mad at myself for letting myself get so low that I couldn't compete. I know a lot of that is my depression and my borderline personality disorder, but I can't ignore that part of it was the bulimia. With this new goal, I feel comfortable that I'll be able to endulge a bit more and hopefully stop binging and purging. I want to win next year. And I can't win with my bulimia. I said 2017 was the year I was going to overcome bulimia, and I'm holding myself accountable to that.
Day two of veganism went well; I had
Oatmeal with frozen raspberries
Special K cereal
Sweet potato with olive oil
Vega protein bar
Mini clif bars
Marguerita (I went out last night!)
Sweet potato fries
Yes, you read that right.
I have decided to get more into fitness. To gain muscle to become a better gymnast. And as much as I hate to gain weight, it's time I admit that's what I need to do to be my best, fit, healthy self.
So this new weight will be my high weight. However, last time I was at this weight, I was binging and purging non stop, gaining weight from the binges I didn't purge. This time I'm going to be doing weights and building strong lean muscle.
What motivated this change was watching a gymnastics competition. I was supposed to compete at this competition, and I couldn't due to my hospitalization. I was mad at myself for letting myself get so low that I couldn't compete. I know a lot of that is my depression and my borderline personality disorder, but I can't ignore that part of it was the bulimia. With this new goal, I feel comfortable that I'll be able to endulge a bit more and hopefully stop binging and purging. I want to win next year. And I can't win with my bulimia. I said 2017 was the year I was going to overcome bulimia, and I'm holding myself accountable to that.
Day two of veganism went well; I had
Oatmeal with frozen raspberries
Special K cereal
Sweet potato with olive oil
Vega protein bar
Mini clif bars
Marguerita (I went out last night!)
Sweet potato fries
Sabtu, 11 Maret 2017
Reset: day 1
I fucked up. I binged and purged on non vegan food. I didn't want to post earlier because I was embarrassed, but I like being honest and open with you guys because I think it makes me more relatable. Changing your diet, especially when you have an eating disorder is HARD. When you're go-to cheap binge foods aren't vegan, and you're upset and impulsive, it's close to impossible to find vegan foods, especially when you're just starting this journey.
I'm going to start keeping a list of vegan binge foods which are easy to find and not too expensive. I'm not doing this to encourage binging, but as a way to help myself stick to my principles when I binge. I am hoping to recover this year (that's the goal of 2017!!) but I can't expect to be perfect as of today, and the selfhatred will be lower if I can stick to veganism while binging.
I have restarted my 30 days of veganism journey.
Yesterday I had:
Oatmeal, chia seeds, Arbonne protein powder, raspberries
Sweet potato, cucumber hummus, olive oil
Vegetable rolls
Frozen raspberries
Vietnamese sweet and sour veggie soup
Today is off to a good start. My eating disorder is yelling at me to binge and purge, but I think I'm going to get a bit of dark chocolate to soothe the cravings instead of giving in.
I'm going to start keeping a list of vegan binge foods which are easy to find and not too expensive. I'm not doing this to encourage binging, but as a way to help myself stick to my principles when I binge. I am hoping to recover this year (that's the goal of 2017!!) but I can't expect to be perfect as of today, and the selfhatred will be lower if I can stick to veganism while binging.
I have restarted my 30 days of veganism journey.
Yesterday I had:
Oatmeal, chia seeds, Arbonne protein powder, raspberries
Sweet potato, cucumber hummus, olive oil
Vegetable rolls
Frozen raspberries
Vietnamese sweet and sour veggie soup
Today is off to a good start. My eating disorder is yelling at me to binge and purge, but I think I'm going to get a bit of dark chocolate to soothe the cravings instead of giving in.
Selasa, 07 Maret 2017
Bulimia shopping
Last night, as I was picking up some (vegan) candy to snack on while going back to the hospital, I saw a girl anxiously pacing through the store.
She had picked up two cold drinks from Tim Hortons, plus chocolate, arrowroot cookies and a bottle of water.
As she was leaving I saw her spit some of her drink into the trash.
It just screamed bulimia. Maybe I look for it because of my illness. She could have been picking up food for a friend. She could have gum in her mouth that she was spitting out. But I got the feeling that she was bulimic.
I wanted to approach her and tell her to be safe, and that it would be okay, but I know if someone did that to me while binge shopping I would be very upset. I just felt an odd connection with this stranger, like we understood each other. I didn't say anything, and I know that's for the best.
But it did get me wondering, who notices me when I'm binge shopping? What do they think of me? Have other bulimics seen me and thought the same way?
She had picked up two cold drinks from Tim Hortons, plus chocolate, arrowroot cookies and a bottle of water.
As she was leaving I saw her spit some of her drink into the trash.
It just screamed bulimia. Maybe I look for it because of my illness. She could have been picking up food for a friend. She could have gum in her mouth that she was spitting out. But I got the feeling that she was bulimic.
I wanted to approach her and tell her to be safe, and that it would be okay, but I know if someone did that to me while binge shopping I would be very upset. I just felt an odd connection with this stranger, like we understood each other. I didn't say anything, and I know that's for the best.
But it did get me wondering, who notices me when I'm binge shopping? What do they think of me? Have other bulimics seen me and thought the same way?
Sabtu, 25 Februari 2017
Changes
I lost a bunch of weight the first week of being in hospital. Then I lost nothing for the next three weeks. I'm so frustrated. Why can't I just be skinny.
I've decided to go vegan. I'm going to go at it slowly. First of all, I'm not eating eggs. That's step one. Once I get discharged I'm going to off dairy. I'm hoping it helps me. I don't know with what.
I saw the following picture floating around twitter:
I don't know where to start. So I'm just going to start making changes. And we'll see what happens.
I've decided to go vegan. I'm going to go at it slowly. First of all, I'm not eating eggs. That's step one. Once I get discharged I'm going to off dairy. I'm hoping it helps me. I don't know with what.
I saw the following picture floating around twitter:
I don't know where to start. So I'm just going to start making changes. And we'll see what happens.
Minggu, 19 Februari 2017
psych ward drama
Psych ward drama is always exciting... until you're a part of it. Then it's terrible.
My roommate who takes my stuff has become a nightmare. The good news is, she is no longer my roommate. The bad news is, it took her being violent with me before they moved the rooms around.
It started when she first moved in. I walked into my room and found my tablet on her bed, and she was wearing my scarf. The next morning I woke up to her going through my backpack. That afternoon she had put my laptop in her cupboard and taken my tablet again, along with a lipbalm and some stevia.
I finally got a nurse to take me seriously and gave me the key to lock my dresser. The girl gave me a friendship bracelet, and sat with me. Things seemed to be going okay.
Then that night, she took my container of nuts and started eating them. When I walked into my room she asked me if it was okay that she had taken some nuts. I said sure, but asked her to ask me first next time. She started mocking me and stormed out of the room.
Due to a spat between me and my bestfriend/housemate on top of what was going on with my psych ward roommate I took some ativan before going to sleep.
I woke up at midnight to her kicking my shin. Now I have shin splints so this was extremely painful. She left the room, and I followed her out to go talk to a nurse. I grabbed my tablet and phone with me in order to not get them stolen. She kept on talking about how I'm a bitch and a whore. She saw me following her and turned around and went at me, pushing me against the wall. Being stronger than her I managed to get around her but before I knew it I was pinned up against the other wall. I yelled out stop so that the nurses would come over.
The nurses came out and asked what was going on. She claimed that I had woken her up and taken her things. The nurses figured out pretty quickly that that isn't what happened. They sent her back to her room and I slept in the comfort room.
Today things seem to have sorted themselves out. She got moved to the locked back unit. I got a new roommate, who is the sweetest most wonderful lady. I'm still terrified though. I was happily eating lunch in the lunch room when she walked in. My heart rate rose immediately and I had to leave the room, finishing my lunch in my room.
I hate not being able to feel safe in a safe place.
My roommate who takes my stuff has become a nightmare. The good news is, she is no longer my roommate. The bad news is, it took her being violent with me before they moved the rooms around.
It started when she first moved in. I walked into my room and found my tablet on her bed, and she was wearing my scarf. The next morning I woke up to her going through my backpack. That afternoon she had put my laptop in her cupboard and taken my tablet again, along with a lipbalm and some stevia.
I finally got a nurse to take me seriously and gave me the key to lock my dresser. The girl gave me a friendship bracelet, and sat with me. Things seemed to be going okay.
Then that night, she took my container of nuts and started eating them. When I walked into my room she asked me if it was okay that she had taken some nuts. I said sure, but asked her to ask me first next time. She started mocking me and stormed out of the room.
Due to a spat between me and my bestfriend/housemate on top of what was going on with my psych ward roommate I took some ativan before going to sleep.
I woke up at midnight to her kicking my shin. Now I have shin splints so this was extremely painful. She left the room, and I followed her out to go talk to a nurse. I grabbed my tablet and phone with me in order to not get them stolen. She kept on talking about how I'm a bitch and a whore. She saw me following her and turned around and went at me, pushing me against the wall. Being stronger than her I managed to get around her but before I knew it I was pinned up against the other wall. I yelled out stop so that the nurses would come over.
The nurses came out and asked what was going on. She claimed that I had woken her up and taken her things. The nurses figured out pretty quickly that that isn't what happened. They sent her back to her room and I slept in the comfort room.
Today things seem to have sorted themselves out. She got moved to the locked back unit. I got a new roommate, who is the sweetest most wonderful lady. I'm still terrified though. I was happily eating lunch in the lunch room when she walked in. My heart rate rose immediately and I had to leave the room, finishing my lunch in my room.
I hate not being able to feel safe in a safe place.
Jumat, 10 Februari 2017
purge
TW *I had the WORST binge and purge session today. It was horrendous. Massive nose bleed, coughing up blood, not drinking enough water before hand. It took me fifteen minutes to purge as suppose to my usual thirty seconds. I now feel faint. I'm laying in med watching some gymnastics and trying to get my heart to calm down. I know I should drink an ensure, but my brain is yelling at me.
My hospitalization is going alright. I'm feeling a lot better today then I was over the past few days. I had a really bad pass two days ago. After some productive time at home, cleaning and cooking, I suddenly had the urge to take all my ativan. I went to grab the bottle, and there was nothing left. I guess I had already taken it all during the overdose that landed me in the hospital.
Yesterday I had all my privileges revoked due to my near overdose the day before. It didn't matter much as I spent all day in bed asleep. One of those days, with an incredibly low mood. The lack of coffee didn't help either.
Today was a lot better. I started my morning off with a coffee and some coloring.Taking some time off of school work to color and chat with friends from the ward was very nice. I spent some time doing some algebra homework, but haven't been pushing myself too hard with regards to school today. I'm here for a reason. I need to let myself rest.
My hospitalization is going alright. I'm feeling a lot better today then I was over the past few days. I had a really bad pass two days ago. After some productive time at home, cleaning and cooking, I suddenly had the urge to take all my ativan. I went to grab the bottle, and there was nothing left. I guess I had already taken it all during the overdose that landed me in the hospital.
Yesterday I had all my privileges revoked due to my near overdose the day before. It didn't matter much as I spent all day in bed asleep. One of those days, with an incredibly low mood. The lack of coffee didn't help either.
Today was a lot better. I started my morning off with a coffee and some coloring.Taking some time off of school work to color and chat with friends from the ward was very nice. I spent some time doing some algebra homework, but haven't been pushing myself too hard with regards to school today. I'm here for a reason. I need to let myself rest.
Minggu, 05 Februari 2017
Breakdown
I had a day pass with my mom yesterday. She was kind enough to drive the three and a half hours from her place to mine in order to come visit me.
It was lovely. We did some work at my favorite Starbucks (the one in the book store) and went to see a movie. We saw hidden figures which was absolutely amazing, I highly recommend it, especially if you're interested in physics/math/engineering. We then stopped at my house so I could pet my cat and pack up some food to bring to the hospital.
I had a breakdown coming back from the hospital. I asked my mom if she could let me die. I told her that everything was just too difficult and that I couldn't handle it. We cried and hugged and she told me how much she loves me and how she doesn't want to see me go. I really didn't want to go back to the hospital. I was given a glimpse at real life again and then had to let it go. I hate being here. I hate that I'm not safe enough to not be here. I hate that I'm depressed, anxious, borderline and bulimic. I hate that I was dealt these cards. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I just want to go home and play with my cat and do math at my desk and go to classes and go to gymnastics and have a life. I don't have one right now.
Minggu, 08 Januari 2017
Food laws
I won food today. I was doing a lot better at the end of November and beginning of December but lapsed over the holidays. Today was awesome though.
Breakfast: 1c cereal, 1/2c almond milk
Lunch: spinach feta wrap and two source yogurts
Dinner: ginger sesame salad, two protein bars
No binging. No purging.
I've been really struggling lately with the new law in Ontario where every chain restaurant has to have their calories posted in their menu. I had a melt down yesterday over hot chocolate while skating. This law is bullshit. I've gotten into Facebook arguements about it, which have dine nothing but anger me. I've signed petitions that have so far done no good.
I'm sick of being triggered just by living.
How is someone supposed to get better in a society like this?
Breakfast: 1c cereal, 1/2c almond milk
Lunch: spinach feta wrap and two source yogurts
Dinner: ginger sesame salad, two protein bars
No binging. No purging.
I've been really struggling lately with the new law in Ontario where every chain restaurant has to have their calories posted in their menu. I had a melt down yesterday over hot chocolate while skating. This law is bullshit. I've gotten into Facebook arguements about it, which have dine nothing but anger me. I've signed petitions that have so far done no good.
I'm sick of being triggered just by living.
How is someone supposed to get better in a society like this?
Kamis, 29 Desember 2016
Best of 2016
2016 has been a shit year for many, including myself. But great writing tends to emerge during difficult times. Here are what I consider to be my top 15 pieces from 2016.
15. reflections from the hospital
14. Days Weeks Months Years
13. Why they need to get rid of atypical anorexia
12. To the girl who thinks she's smarter than this
11. #eatittobeatit
10. This one's for the girl
9. My depression is ugly
8. Faking perfection
7. Thinspo: video (no images, don't worry)
6. How to help a suicidal friend
5. Orthorexia
4. 7 things I want you to know as you're staring into the toilet bowl
3. A week with borderline personality disorder
2. Counting down (link to buy my poetry book, one of my greatest accomplishments so far)
1. Cat pictures (because my cat is the best thing that has happened to me this year)
15. reflections from the hospital
14. Days Weeks Months Years
13. Why they need to get rid of atypical anorexia
12. To the girl who thinks she's smarter than this
11. #eatittobeatit
10. This one's for the girl
9. My depression is ugly
8. Faking perfection
7. Thinspo: video (no images, don't worry)
6. How to help a suicidal friend
5. Orthorexia
4. 7 things I want you to know as you're staring into the toilet bowl
3. A week with borderline personality disorder
2. Counting down (link to buy my poetry book, one of my greatest accomplishments so far)
1. Cat pictures (because my cat is the best thing that has happened to me this year)
Rabu, 07 Desember 2016
Update
It's been two weeks since I lasted blogged and my life has been pretty crazy since then. Exam season is upon us and it's a busy and stressful time.
My recovery has been going alright. I don't know if I can continue with it though. I'm very tempted to fall back into the welcoming arms of bulimia. I feel safe there. Out of control at times, but safe. There's some sort of regularity with my life when I'm in the bulimia cycle. And I can ignore feelings and stress while binging and purging. I've made a restriction plan for tomorrow. I know restriction will lead to a binge purge cycle but it's all I want. I need that false sense of control and distraction during exams and to get through this holiday season.
I'm not going home for the holidays. This was a tough, but ultimately the right, decision to make. Going home is always bad for me, and it is just better to avoid that situation. It does mean that I'm going to be alone on Christmas though. I'm thinking that I'll go to the movies, treat myself to a nice dinner out, put on a cute outfit, make a gingerbread house, and most likely get drunk to numb out the feelings. I want to do my best to have a positive day though. I might even make myself a stocking. I could buy myself little treats throughout the month and sew myself a stocking, and open it Christmas morning. Maybe I'll do that. Throw in some self care things, teas and stationary into a stocking, it would make me happy Christmas morning. My parents will be coming up to visit me, which will be nice because we'll be on my turf. I can set some ground rules so that things don't get too bad.
I'm starting to feel the effects of seasonal depression. I feel sluggish, and have some suicidal ideations. I'm just so lonely. I don't want to be alone on Christmas but I don't feel like I have any other options. I can't sit through a Christmas dinner. I just can't. I wish I was healthy enough to have a Christmas with my family. I am safe though. I'm determined to not end up in the psych ER this holiday season like I have the past three years.
Today was the last day of classes but I didn't go. I couldn't get myself to wake up for an 8:30 lecture. I've been having troubles with my sleep lately. I have been sleeping close to 16hrs a day, with 8-10 cups of coffee. My psychiatrist says it's depression, but I have never had symptoms like these, and I haven't had med changes in 4 months. She said she would prescribe stimulants except that it wouldn't be safe with my eating disorder. This is super frustrating. I ended up going to the drug store and buying over the counter diet pills that have a lot of caffeine. I'm pretty sure prescription stimulants would be safer than that.
Things with the boy are still going well. I'm shocked that we've been together for almost a year and half. Whoever said that borderline patients can't have successful relationships can go fuck themselves. Yes we have our challenges, but we've been able to work through them. It takes a lot of openness and the courage to be vulnerable but it is doable. I never thought it would be, I resigned to having careless flings for a while, but this is so much better.
I hope you've all had a positive start to December. I'll go back to posting daily, I've missed my blogger community.
My recovery has been going alright. I don't know if I can continue with it though. I'm very tempted to fall back into the welcoming arms of bulimia. I feel safe there. Out of control at times, but safe. There's some sort of regularity with my life when I'm in the bulimia cycle. And I can ignore feelings and stress while binging and purging. I've made a restriction plan for tomorrow. I know restriction will lead to a binge purge cycle but it's all I want. I need that false sense of control and distraction during exams and to get through this holiday season.
I'm not going home for the holidays. This was a tough, but ultimately the right, decision to make. Going home is always bad for me, and it is just better to avoid that situation. It does mean that I'm going to be alone on Christmas though. I'm thinking that I'll go to the movies, treat myself to a nice dinner out, put on a cute outfit, make a gingerbread house, and most likely get drunk to numb out the feelings. I want to do my best to have a positive day though. I might even make myself a stocking. I could buy myself little treats throughout the month and sew myself a stocking, and open it Christmas morning. Maybe I'll do that. Throw in some self care things, teas and stationary into a stocking, it would make me happy Christmas morning. My parents will be coming up to visit me, which will be nice because we'll be on my turf. I can set some ground rules so that things don't get too bad.
I'm starting to feel the effects of seasonal depression. I feel sluggish, and have some suicidal ideations. I'm just so lonely. I don't want to be alone on Christmas but I don't feel like I have any other options. I can't sit through a Christmas dinner. I just can't. I wish I was healthy enough to have a Christmas with my family. I am safe though. I'm determined to not end up in the psych ER this holiday season like I have the past three years.
Today was the last day of classes but I didn't go. I couldn't get myself to wake up for an 8:30 lecture. I've been having troubles with my sleep lately. I have been sleeping close to 16hrs a day, with 8-10 cups of coffee. My psychiatrist says it's depression, but I have never had symptoms like these, and I haven't had med changes in 4 months. She said she would prescribe stimulants except that it wouldn't be safe with my eating disorder. This is super frustrating. I ended up going to the drug store and buying over the counter diet pills that have a lot of caffeine. I'm pretty sure prescription stimulants would be safer than that.
Things with the boy are still going well. I'm shocked that we've been together for almost a year and half. Whoever said that borderline patients can't have successful relationships can go fuck themselves. Yes we have our challenges, but we've been able to work through them. It takes a lot of openness and the courage to be vulnerable but it is doable. I never thought it would be, I resigned to having careless flings for a while, but this is so much better.
I hope you've all had a positive start to December. I'll go back to posting daily, I've missed my blogger community.
Jumat, 25 November 2016
Clean again
Yesterday was tough. I had to get back on track after binging and purging Wednesday. But I did it!
I had to do a lot of thought records and use my CBT journal to convince myself that one bad day doesn't mean I should give up on my goal of being clean.
The day was okay, but the evening was tough. Thankfully my boyfriend was over so I had a 'babysitter'. I was up until midnight studying, and it's always the late nights that get me. When I'm up late studying I get so stressed over everything I have to do and it's just so overwhelming. The purging high gives me a little boost to keep on studying, and I didn't have that last night. I wanted to stay up a bit later and finish another set of notes, but it wasn't realistic, so I went to bed.
I'm going to a "stitch and bitch" gathering tonight, and I hope this encourages me to get back into knitting. I'd love to knit some Christmas presents, and it's such a wonderful coping mechanism as it keeps my hands busy. Watching a movie and knitting is such a relaxing way to spend an evening but I often feel guilty for taking that time off of studying. But realistically, I need study breaks and that's a good way to take one.
My weight has gone up a couple pounds, and I'm pretty upset about it, but I need to remind myself that a few pounds is a normal fluctuation and that I didn't gain any fat. My body is just adjusting to keeping food down, and learning to digest food properly again.
I'm going to be okay.
A couple pounds doesn't make me fat.
I had to do a lot of thought records and use my CBT journal to convince myself that one bad day doesn't mean I should give up on my goal of being clean.
The day was okay, but the evening was tough. Thankfully my boyfriend was over so I had a 'babysitter'. I was up until midnight studying, and it's always the late nights that get me. When I'm up late studying I get so stressed over everything I have to do and it's just so overwhelming. The purging high gives me a little boost to keep on studying, and I didn't have that last night. I wanted to stay up a bit later and finish another set of notes, but it wasn't realistic, so I went to bed.
I'm going to a "stitch and bitch" gathering tonight, and I hope this encourages me to get back into knitting. I'd love to knit some Christmas presents, and it's such a wonderful coping mechanism as it keeps my hands busy. Watching a movie and knitting is such a relaxing way to spend an evening but I often feel guilty for taking that time off of studying. But realistically, I need study breaks and that's a good way to take one.
My weight has gone up a couple pounds, and I'm pretty upset about it, but I need to remind myself that a few pounds is a normal fluctuation and that I didn't gain any fat. My body is just adjusting to keeping food down, and learning to digest food properly again.
I'm going to be okay.
A couple pounds doesn't make me fat.
Kamis, 24 November 2016
What I ate Wednesday
I feel as though I've let you guys down. I made a promise that I was going to be clean, that I was going to get better.
I've let myself down.
I binged and purged twice yesterday.
I'm getting back on track today, but I'm really upset that this isn't day three of being clean. I'm starting back at day 1. But I'm not going to stop trying.
Intake:
I've let myself down.
I binged and purged twice yesterday.
I'm getting back on track today, but I'm really upset that this isn't day three of being clean. I'm starting back at day 1. But I'm not going to stop trying.
Intake:
- 1c cereal
- 1/2c milk
- 1 protein pancake
- 5ish tbsp nutella
- b/p
- 1c oatmeal
- 1 scoop protein powder
- 1/2 frozen pizza
- b/p
Rabu, 23 November 2016
Clean: day 2
Once again, a day where I didn't binge and purge.
It's been a while since I've had two clean days in a row, but this is what hard work, dedication, and a shit tonne of support can do. I'm so grateful for my boyfriend who has been letting me sleep over at his house.
It was a tough day, I'm not going to lie. I got a test back and received 31% so I was really wanting to binge and purge. I went home instead and talked it out with my roommate.
I also went to a symposium on female athlete triad. There was a lot that I didn't know and it was really interesting, but also quite upsetting, as I have a lot of the symptoms and didn't realize. It's tough coming to terms that maybe I have more symptoms than I thought. Yes binging and purging is my main problem, but do I have problems with exercise as well? I never thought so because it's such a positive experience for me, but I also will compensate with exercise. I definitely need to focus on the binging and purging first, and if exercise helps me get through it, then I will use it as a coping mechanism. Once the binging and purging is under control I'll tackle my thoughts surrounding exercise.
I also had a really good chat with my mom in the evening. I told her how I failed my test and how the thoughts were very overwhelming. She calmed me down and reminded me that the test won't affect my grade (my prof offers a 100% final). I also came clean to her about how bad my bulimia had gotten, and how hard it was to turn things around. I told her about how it felt as though I was in withdrawal and how hard it was to function. Again, she was extremely supportive. I've never confided that much in my mom so it felt really good to do so.
It's been a while since I've had two clean days in a row, but this is what hard work, dedication, and a shit tonne of support can do. I'm so grateful for my boyfriend who has been letting me sleep over at his house.
It was a tough day, I'm not going to lie. I got a test back and received 31% so I was really wanting to binge and purge. I went home instead and talked it out with my roommate.
I also went to a symposium on female athlete triad. There was a lot that I didn't know and it was really interesting, but also quite upsetting, as I have a lot of the symptoms and didn't realize. It's tough coming to terms that maybe I have more symptoms than I thought. Yes binging and purging is my main problem, but do I have problems with exercise as well? I never thought so because it's such a positive experience for me, but I also will compensate with exercise. I definitely need to focus on the binging and purging first, and if exercise helps me get through it, then I will use it as a coping mechanism. Once the binging and purging is under control I'll tackle my thoughts surrounding exercise.
I also had a really good chat with my mom in the evening. I told her how I failed my test and how the thoughts were very overwhelming. She calmed me down and reminded me that the test won't affect my grade (my prof offers a 100% final). I also came clean to her about how bad my bulimia had gotten, and how hard it was to turn things around. I told her about how it felt as though I was in withdrawal and how hard it was to function. Again, she was extremely supportive. I've never confided that much in my mom so it felt really good to do so.
Senin, 21 November 2016
Clean: day 1
I'd say it's day one of recovery if I was fully committed to eating fear foods, gaining weight, etcetera. But I'm not. Im simply determined to stop binging and purging. If this means I need to maintain my weight for a bit then so be it. Ideally though, once I'm clean for a bit I'll go back to trying to lose.
Today was hard. The second my roommate left for her afternoon class the binge urges hit. I ended up barricading myself in my room watching Netflix until she came home. Once she was home I told her not to let me out of the house. I couldn't do anything. I felt like I was in withdrawal. I was shaking, anxious, tired but couldn't sleep, and unable to focus. I had two protein bars before gymnastics and had a light practice. I got dropped off at my boyfriend's so that I can essentially be babysat all night. I gave him my wallet so that I can't buy any food tomorrow until after class, when I'll get my daily clif bar after tutoring.
All I'm hoping for at this point is that tomorrow is easier. All I want to do is binge and purge. The urges are so so high. But I must power through them.
Today was hard. The second my roommate left for her afternoon class the binge urges hit. I ended up barricading myself in my room watching Netflix until she came home. Once she was home I told her not to let me out of the house. I couldn't do anything. I felt like I was in withdrawal. I was shaking, anxious, tired but couldn't sleep, and unable to focus. I had two protein bars before gymnastics and had a light practice. I got dropped off at my boyfriend's so that I can essentially be babysat all night. I gave him my wallet so that I can't buy any food tomorrow until after class, when I'll get my daily clif bar after tutoring.
All I'm hoping for at this point is that tomorrow is easier. All I want to do is binge and purge. The urges are so so high. But I must power through them.
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