September plans

I have big plans for September. This year is going to be my year.
I created the 888 challenge for myself.

8 hours of sleep. 11pm-7am consistently. The only way I can get through a day of school and gymnastics is with enough sleep. It also helps the cravings go away, and reduces my urge to binge :) :)

8 hours of studying. This may seem like a lot, but I'm including class time. Every day from 8:30-4:30 I am going to be focused on my classes. I'm going to ace all of them. Who runs the world? me.

800kcal. Realistically, I'd like to be able to up this to 1200, but I'm not at a point where I can eat that much and not purge. At 800, I don't feel the need to binge (most days), and I have enough energy to get through the day. I also eat a protein bar before going to gymnastics as 'fuel'. It doesn't count as food, I don't put it in my daily calorie count, and I do my best not to think about it. I know that 800 won't be sustainable in the long run, but if I start here, I won't purge as much, and hopefully save my heart. Then I will slowly increase my calorie count, until I am hopefully maintaining a weight that I feel comfortable with, and is relatively healthy. I've been using my ED as a coping mechanism for so long, that I'm not ready to let go of it just yet. I know that half assing recovery won't do me any good, but I'm working really hard to overcome my depression, SH, and suicidal ideations first. Once I have a will to live, maybe I'll want to get healthy. But when you have no desire to live, it is pretty hard to care about your physical health.

I'm hoping with this regularity, I'll be able to keep myself semi-sane and not end up in IP treatment again. That's the goal. (As well as world domination and straight A's of course..)

-Niqi
xoxo

13

13 must be unlucky
It's the year things got bad
It's the year I was lonely
When I was surrounded by people.

13 must be unlucky
It's the year I grew up
It's the year I became a woman
When I wanted to be a kid.

13 must be unlucky
It's the year I got anxious
Its the year I felt abandoned
When I wanted to be hugged.

But I hope that for you
13 won't be so wicked
And maybe you will find
The magic in madness.

Niqi
xoxo

Talking out of suicide

TW*I know many get really strong suicidal ideations, and once you decide to act on them it can be impossible to go back. However over the past couple days, I've started overdosing, and stopped half way through. The last times I tried to overdose in order to kill myself, I felt like absolute crap for a couple days, and that was it. I didn't actually cause my body any serious harm - I just threw up like crazy until the toxic amounts where out of my system. Of course the effects of an OD depends on the types and quantities of medications taken, so please take all your medications as prescribed and nothing else.*TW
But I started taking some OTC medication today. I had done extensive research and new exactly how much I would have needed to take to get the desired effects. I was hoping to cause damage, but not die. I promised my family that I wouldn't die. I honestly got bored and didn't want to spend all night puking. Somehow that wasn't the self destruction I was looking for. The slightest doubt I had made me stop. I guess the past 10 months of therapy have been doing something. I can guarantee that if this was even one month ago, I would have taken all the pills I had, even though I knew I would just end up throwing up all night. I know that my family may not consider this progress, but the fact that I was able to talk myself out of an overdose is very good progress for me.
I see my therapist on Wednesday, so I need to find the strength in me to pull through until then.
I made a list of little things to do and keep myself busy with, until then so that I stay safe.
-watch the perseids
-knit a headband
-make some bracelets for the #braceletproject
-dance
-go to starbucks whenever I feel like crap
-read
-paint my room
-make tea
-bubble bath
-paint nails
-put on a face mask/teeth whitening strips (this is super effective to stop bingeing as well!)
-I also have letters that spell LIVE that I'm going to hang in my room. Each one is going to be collaged with pictures of one of my siblings (I have four). Once it's complete I will have a beautiful reminder of why I must live.

-Niqi
xoxo