drowning

My cat is purring beside me and it's the only thing holding me together right now.

I'm not suicidal, I'm just tired. Tired of being sick, tired of being behind, tired of always feeling inadequate.

I have tears in my eyes, but there stuck. Crying would provide me with relief, and my brain just isn't okay with that today.

"Missing you comes in waves. And tonight, I'm drowning."

But really, I'm always drowning.

Missing you and having BPD is just about the worst combination. I love you but can't be with you and am always so paranoid that you'll find someone else. We each have our lives, and I'm glad we're independent people, but I want our lives intertwined.

I wear your pj pants to bed, and hug your hat as if it's a stuffed animal, thinking somehow that will bring me closer to you.

It's so hard to breathe when you're drowning.