Outing

My outing from the hospital went really well last night. My boyfriend and I went out for dinner and had a marvelous time. I only had two hours off the unit, so I didn't have time to go home and drop stuff off like I had hoped, but I was able to enjoy a meal outside of the hospital. My best friend brought me back to the unit after a quick Starbucks stop.

My boyfriend has been incredibly supportive these past few weeks. I had suicide plans on my mind for over a week and he held me tight as I fought through those thoughts. After my attempt, he visited me in the hospital, has been sending me encouraging texts, and has been keeping me up to date with events around the math department.

I can't say as much with regards to my best friend. Me hitting my rock bottom caused her a lot of stress, but she wasn't able to manage it properly. She isolated herself and wasn't supportive. It was really frustrating for me because when the roles were reversed I was by her side 100%. We didn't talk for two days after my admission. We usually don't go two hours without talking to each other. Things have blown over now, but I definitely still am holding a grudge. She was incredibly rude to me when the ambulance came to pick me up and I really could have used some support.

I'm glad my outing went well and that I was able to enjoy time out with two of the most important people in my life. I'm feeling more confident in my abilities to keep myself safe, however I know I'm not ready to leave the hospital yet. When I look out the window I still want to jump. And being accompanied on my time out of the hospital is still definitely necessary. But I'm starting to feel better. They increased my prozac and that has definitely had a positive effect. But I need to give it some time for the medicine to fully kick in and have full effect.

Psychiatry appointment

I'm taking on a lot of challenges this term. I'm taking a full course load (programming, algebra, combinatorics, cryptography and finishing my thesis) as well as tutoring and doing an eating disorder recovery group.

I know that this is a lot to take on. But I'm being optimistic. I truly believe that I can do this. Keeping busy has always been helpful for me, and I want to try getting myself ready for graduate school, where I'll be even more busy than I am now.

My psychiatrist was not on board with this plan. She flat out told me she didn't think I could do it and that I should drop classes immediately.  This really upset me. I know I'm taking on a lot. And the reminder that I can drop classes and put my mental health first is always welcoming. However, I was really hoping that she would be more supportive. Congratulate me for trying. I haven't been this motivate in quite a long time and having her crush that with thoughts of failure was really disappointing.

I mentioned my anxiety being very high lately, and she said we could consider putting me on Lyrica. I'm usually all for trying new medication, but my current medication regime has helped a lot, and I don't want to mess it up. Additionally, she said that this medication can cause drowsiness lingering into the day even if taken at night, and that is just about the last thing I need right now. I'm not struggling with over sleeping as much as I was at the end of last year, but it is still a struggle, and I don't want to do anything that would make that worse. If anyone has any experience with Lyrica please let me know!