Food, work, life

I'm obsessed with the show Scandal, and have been binge watching it instead of studying.

I had a midterm yesterday and I completely winged it and I think it went okay. I do need to get my act together though, as I need these grades to get into graduate school.

I had a chat with one of my best friends yesterday, and we started talking about the future. About potentially marrying our current boyfriends. About going to graduate school in the area our boyfriends are. I'm lucky - I knew I wanted to go out west before my boyfriend decided to go out west, so it really works out for both of us. But what if it didn't? I never thought I'd be the type to follow a boy around but maybe I am. I'm only twenty, I know this might be too much to think about at my age. But in five years, it won't be. And five years isn't very long.

I made some sweet potato homefries today for lunch. They were delicious but had so much oil. I'm panicking over the amount of oil, but have convinced myself not to purge. I know I don't need to. I know that I'm better than this.

I work tonight, and I have to say, so far I like my job. I have a few issues with the company, but I'm sorting it out and going to talk to them. I like the fresh air, and how it forces me to get out of the house and interact with people. Even if the interaction is them slamming the door in my face. I find that as long as I don't get too attached, I really enjoy it.

I don't know what to do with food though regarding my job. I work 4pm-8pm. Which means I need to eat dinner at 3pm or 9pm. I don't get a break, but could always stop for two minutes and shovel a granola bar down my throat or something. But that's not really what I want to do. And it seems to throw off my schedule for the week.

I spent more money on my stepdad's credit card yesterday grocery shopping. I really need my government loan to come in so that I can pay him back and stop feeling guilty. The guilty feelings are leading to more impulse shopping which just worsens the situation.

Art therapy journal

This seems to be super popular these days so I tried it out last night!

Yesterday was a rough day, my brain just seemed to be overdrive the entire day. I wasn't able to focus on my studies, and I'm quite stressed out about this today, as I fear I have fallen behind. I know it will all be okay. I'm allowed to have bad days. It's just frustrating when they pop out of nowhere. 

new poems!

Thinspo - a poem

Borderline - a poem

"Vegans are in fake recovery"

Is something that my roommate has said to me a lot.

I disagree. Not only do I disagree, but I'm living proof that she's wrong. My binging and purging has gone WAY down since going vegan. I feel more comfortable with the food that I'm eating. Overall, I'm eating more, and purging less.

Today in therapy my new therapist and I talked about all the reasons that her comments upset me. Turns out I have cycles of thoughts and emotions that rush into my brain from her comments - and I didn't even know that it was going on! I thought it just angered me, but turns out that under that anger was fear, shame and guilt.

When she says things like this I tend to agree with her and play along. This makes me feel as though I'm betraying all my vegan friends as well as my beliefs. This leads to guilt. Then I get upset that I'm not living in accordance to my values, which leads to shame.

The fear comes from me being worried that she's right. She's farther along in her recovery so she would know more right? Wrong. She knows what worked for her recovery, not for mine. This works for me and I need to remember that.






In other news, I lost my job at the gym but got a different job supporting local farmers - the pay and the hours are better, so I'm glad things worked out this way.

the gym

I just got hired at The Gym! (yes, it's a gym called the gym). I'm super excited.

I'm going to be a receptionist which is work I like to do, and I'll be in a great environment. I'll be around athletes and people who care about fitness, and I'll have a lot in common with the staff.

I'm really excited for this new opportunity. I think it's going to be a great job for me and a job I can sustain without ruining my mental health. My experience working at Tims and the pool company was so bad, so I'm nervous that maybe I just can't handle a job. But I'm hoping that this job is different. I will make it different. I will make this work for me. And I could really use the money.


In other news, I presented my thesis today and I think it went well! Now only the written part left to do!

Group

I had my first week of group this past week. Tuesday wasn't too bad. Yesterday was awful.

We were talking about values. And the facilitator showed a video of a woman talking about how she used to be homophobic and lost friends due to that, and how she's now conflicted because her values have changed.

You can't just hurt people because of your values. Somethings ARE black and white. Homophobia is bad. Racism is bad. There is no grey area. You can't defend yourself for being this way because of your values. Being hateful doesn't infringe on your values, it infridges on other people's lives.

I had an individual appointment today and explained my anger. She switched me to the earlier group so that I do the have to face that facilitator anymore. Thank goodness. I was ready to drop out of the program.

I would have just dropped out of he program if it weren't for one thing. My place in the eating disorder program is conditional on me completing this first program.

I'm hoping next week goes better with the new facilitators. It's a short group, only seven weeks, and I've got one week down. I can get through this.

binge purge

It's been a rough couple of days.

The day before yesterday I did terrifically with food! Ate balanced meals, had protein, did a very positive grocery shopping trip. But then things started to fall apart.

Sunday was okay, until the end of the day. I was with a group doing a practice thesis presentation and it ran much longer than expected, so I ended up very hungry. My boyfriend and I went out for dinner after and by the time the food came I was just ridiculously hungry. I had a lovely veggie burger in a lettuce bun and some sweet potato fries. I wasn't going to purge. I wasn't. But I had to go to the bathroom and when I got there I just thought, why not?

Of course last nights incident triggered binging and purging today. Two sessions. And I missed a class because of this. And I had dairy.

I'm picking up my broken pieces now, trying to hold myself together enough to get a bit of work done and then go to gymnastics. I ate dinner - two burritos with veggie ground beef, salsa and lettuce. I didn't want to eat or train tonight, but I know it will put me in a better mindset. I know the effect gymnastics has on my mood, and I need that boost in mood. I also know that I'm very impulsive right now, and gymnastics is a safe outlet for my impulses.

April

It's April, so like at the beginning of most months, I'm going to promise to blog more regularly. Like every month, I'll most likely break this promise, but I wrote myself a little note on my desk to remind myself to blog this month!

It's been almost two weeks since I've written, so it's time for a little update.

I had a bad ankle sprain a week and a half ago, and it's taken me out of the gym which is so damn frustrating, I LOVE being in the gym. I'll be back at it doing some basics on Monday though!

Food wise, things have been going pretty decently. I broke my veganism yesterday/day before on a binge, but that's been my only real lapse since last time I've written. My weight gain is going well, a little too well in my opinion, but I know this is just temporary, gaining muscle and then I can go back to maintaining like I was before. I need to remember that no one is judging more for a 15lbs difference. Especially when it's muscle - it's barely noticeable!

Exam month has officially started, so my exam prep has begun. My concentration has been poor today, but I know it's something I'm going to have to work and push through for the next month. I can do this.


For all the French out there - here's a fish!

Exercise

It was asked on Twitter how one keeps a regular exercise routine with clinical depression. I am by no means an expert at this and have gone months at a time without exercise due to my depression, but overall I seem to be able to manage it. 

One of the great things about exercise is that it can help improve mood in the short term. By no means does it cute depression like some people seem to think it does, but the endorphins do enhance your mood for a little bit. In fact, one of the techniques I use to avoid binging and purging is doing as many push-ups as I can when upset. 

Here are some of the things I do to help get me to exercise. 

Reward yourself for exercise: I have a Netflix show that I only allow myself to watch while on the elliptical. 

Do something fun. Do Zumba in your room or buy a hoola hoop to play around with. 

If you get anxious about going out, don't. Workout at home!

Wake up, drink a coffee and go workout right away before the depression hits you. I find I have half an hour of being okay before my mood sinks. 

Join a class. Then you have a bit of accountability. Even better, join a team. That way you have to go or let the team down. 

Hope some of that helped. 

obsessions

I saw my psychiatrist yesterday and the appointment actually went quite well. I was worried that she would tell me to drop my semester due to my hospitalization. She told me it seemed like I had made some great improvements, and supported my decision to stay in school. I didn't tell her about going vegan because I'm worried she would say it's part of my eating disorder.

Quite honestly, me going vegan is slightly part of my eating disorder.

Here's how I see it.

I've had my eating disorder for seven years now. I hope to be fully recovered one day, but that doesn't seem possible right now. Right now though, the bulimia is killing me. Literally, I have heart palpitations regularly and get suicidal ideations. Bulimia is a way for me to obsess over food. I've decided to try shifting my obsession to fitness. I'm focusing on eating more, and gaining muscle. High protein food. Lots of veggies. Lots of workouts. I know this still isn't mentally healthy. But it's much more physically healthy.

Today I had:
3 vega bars
2 mini builders bars
3 mini clif bars
sweet potato fries
veggie stirfry
flat bread with peanut butter

Day 3

Yesterday was a pretty good day. I wasn't able to sleep much the night before due to running into my ex who said some mean things to me, but they day itself was good. I went to the gym, worked on a new floor routine, and studied a hell of a lot. (I have two midterms today).

Yesterday I ate:
oatmeal with protein powder and peanut butter
apple
nachos and salsa
peanut butter
salad with ginger sesame dressing

Day two and new goals

I have officially changed my goal weight. Instead of my goal weight being 10lbs lower than my current weight, it is now 15lbs HIGHER.

Yes, you read that right.

I have decided to get more into fitness. To gain muscle to become a better gymnast. And as much as I hate to gain weight, it's time I admit that's what I need to do to be my best, fit, healthy self.

So this new weight will be my high weight. However, last time I was at this weight, I was binging and purging non stop, gaining weight from the binges I didn't purge. This time I'm going to be doing weights and building strong lean muscle.

What motivated this change was watching a gymnastics competition. I was supposed to compete at this competition, and I couldn't due to my hospitalization. I was mad at myself for letting myself get so low that I couldn't compete. I know a lot of that is my depression and my borderline personality disorder, but I can't ignore that part of it was the bulimia. With this new goal, I feel comfortable that I'll be able to endulge a bit more and hopefully stop binging and purging. I want to win next year. And I can't win with my bulimia. I said 2017 was the year I was going to overcome bulimia, and I'm holding myself accountable to that.

Day two of veganism went well; I had
Oatmeal with frozen raspberries
Special K cereal
Sweet potato with olive oil
Vega protein bar
Mini clif bars
Marguerita (I went out last night!)
Sweet potato fries

Reset: day 1

I fucked up. I binged and purged on non vegan food. I didn't want to post earlier because I was embarrassed, but I like being honest and open with you guys because I think it makes me more relatable. Changing your diet, especially when you have an eating disorder is HARD. When you're go-to cheap binge foods aren't vegan, and you're upset and impulsive, it's close to impossible to find vegan foods, especially when you're just starting this journey.

I'm going to start keeping a list of vegan binge foods which are easy to find and not too expensive. I'm not doing this to encourage binging, but as a way to help myself stick to my principles when I binge. I am hoping to recover this year (that's the goal of 2017!!) but I can't expect to be perfect as of today, and the selfhatred will be lower if I can stick to veganism while binging.

I have restarted my 30 days of veganism journey.

Yesterday I had:
Oatmeal, chia seeds, Arbonne protein powder, raspberries
Sweet potato, cucumber hummus, olive oil
Vegetable rolls
Frozen raspberries
Vietnamese sweet and sour veggie soup

Today is off to a good start. My eating disorder is yelling at me to binge and purge, but I think I'm going to get a bit of dark chocolate to soothe the cravings instead of giving in.

Weekend pass

I'm out!!
Well, just for the weekend, but that's a start. If this weekend goes well I'm hoping to get discharged at the end of next week.

My plans for this weekend are pretty boring - studying, studying and more studying...

... except for tonight. Tonight I'm going to my friends, switching out our belly button piercings, re-piercing my nose and having a couple drinks. Probably all with Grey's Anatomy playing in the background.

I'm just so looking forward to getting out and sleeping in my own bed.

exceptional

I used to want to be exceptional. Better then everyone. Competitive. Driven. I knew that to be the best you had to beat the best. 

I've lost that drive. I don't want to be exceptional anymore. I just want to be normal. I would give up what I'm good at to not be sick. And I've never felt this way before. 

I've always thought I'd be okay being miserable as long as I was exceptional. I'm not anymore. I'm tired, I'm worn out, and I just don't care. That scares me. That shows me how badly I'm doing.

Changes

I lost a bunch of weight the first week of being in hospital. Then I lost nothing for the next three weeks. I'm so frustrated. Why can't I just be skinny.

I've decided to go vegan. I'm going to go at it slowly. First of all, I'm not eating eggs. That's step one. Once I get discharged I'm going to off dairy. I'm hoping it helps me. I don't know with what.

I saw the following picture floating around twitter:

I don't know where to start. So I'm just going to start making changes. And we'll see what happens.

Anxiety

Today I had a meeting with my thesis supervisor that I didn't end up going to.

I walked up to his office to go talk to him, and two other people were in his office. I panicked. I was too anxious to knock on his door knowing I was interrupting something so I left the building and went to work at my boyfriend's.

I know I should have knocked. He told me to go in and see him which meant he was expecting me. He was okay with my coming in. But my anxiety just couldn't handle it. It was all too much.

Otherwise, today was a really good day. It started off rough - I needed an extra nap and group challenged me to think about where I'm at with my hospitalization and school. But it started looking up.

I had a productive appointment with my doctor. He said I should try to find something to do that I'm not competitive about. Even with writing, I'm always looking at how many blog views I have, or how many people watch my poetry on YouTube. With gymnastics, I'm always focused on the upcoming competition. With school, the focus is on grades. I can't seem to stop comparing myself from others.

I'm thinking of making coloring my thing. Coloring isn't competitive. You just color. It's a good mindful activity as well. I wish Netflix watching could be my thing. But apparently that doesn't count.

purge

TW *I had the WORST binge and purge session today. It was horrendous. Massive nose bleed, coughing up blood, not drinking enough water before hand. It took me fifteen minutes to purge as suppose to my usual thirty seconds. I now feel faint. I'm laying in med watching some gymnastics and trying to get my heart to calm down. I know I should drink an ensure, but my brain is yelling at me.


My hospitalization is going alright. I'm feeling a lot better today then I was over the past few days. I had a really bad pass two days ago. After some productive time at home, cleaning and cooking, I suddenly had the urge to take all my ativan. I went to grab the bottle, and there was nothing left. I guess I had already taken it all during the overdose that landed me in the hospital.

Yesterday I had all my privileges revoked due to my near overdose the day before. It didn't matter much as I spent all day in bed asleep. One of those days, with an incredibly low mood. The lack of coffee didn't help either.

Today was a lot better. I started my morning off with a coffee and some coloring.Taking some time off of school work to color and chat with friends from the ward was very nice. I spent some time doing some algebra homework, but haven't been pushing myself too hard with regards to school today. I'm here for a reason. I need to let myself rest.

Food laws

I won food today. I was doing a lot better at the end of November and beginning of December but lapsed over the holidays. Today was awesome though.
Breakfast: 1c cereal, 1/2c almond milk
Lunch: spinach feta wrap and two source yogurts
Dinner: ginger sesame salad, two protein bars

No binging. No purging.

I've been really struggling lately with the new law in Ontario where every chain restaurant has to have their calories posted in their menu. I had a melt down yesterday over hot chocolate while skating. This law is bullshit. I've gotten into Facebook arguements about it, which have dine nothing but anger me. I've signed petitions that have so far done no good.

I'm sick of being triggered just by living.
How is someone supposed to get better in a society like this?

2017 goals

I'm setting goals instead of resolutions this year. It seems more realistic. If I mess up one day, the next day will come and I can try again. This isn't an all or nothing situation, it's about progress and becoming a better person, as supposed to being a better person over night. 

Academic goals

1. Straight As
2. Apply for graduate school
3. Complete thesis

Lifestyle goals

1. Go to the gym 5x a week
2. Keep consistent sleep schedule
3. Drink at most once per month
4. Keep room clean

Eating related goals

1. Quit purging
2. Lose 10lbs
3. Maintain new weight
4. Eat consistently
5. Quit purging

Other goals

1. Perform slam poetry at an open mic
2. Get involved in volunteering over the summer
3. Visit family more

Bring it on 2017