Clean again

Yesterday was tough. I had to get back on track after binging and purging Wednesday. But I did it!

I had to do a lot of thought records and use my CBT journal to convince myself that one bad day doesn't mean I should give up on my goal of being clean.

The day was okay, but the evening was tough. Thankfully my boyfriend was over so I had a 'babysitter'. I was up until midnight studying, and it's always the late nights that get me. When I'm up late studying I get so stressed over everything I have to do and it's just so overwhelming. The purging high gives me a little boost to keep on studying, and I didn't have that last night. I wanted to stay up a bit later and finish another set of notes, but it wasn't realistic, so I went to bed.

I'm going to a "stitch and bitch" gathering tonight, and I hope this encourages me to get back into knitting. I'd love to knit some Christmas presents, and it's such a wonderful coping mechanism as it keeps my hands busy. Watching a movie and knitting is such a relaxing way to spend an evening but I often feel guilty for taking that time off of studying. But realistically, I need study breaks and that's a good way to take one.

My weight has gone up a couple pounds, and I'm pretty upset about it, but I need to remind myself that a few pounds is a normal fluctuation and that I didn't gain any fat. My body is just adjusting to keeping food down, and learning to digest food properly again.

I'm going to be okay.

A couple pounds doesn't make me fat.

What I ate Wednesday

I feel as though I've let you guys down. I made a promise that I was going to be clean, that I was going to get better.

I've let myself down.

I binged and purged twice yesterday.

I'm getting back on track today, but I'm really upset that this isn't day three of being clean. I'm starting back at day 1. But I'm not going to stop trying.


Intake:

• 1c cereal
• 1/2c milk
• 1 protein pancake
• 5ish tbsp nutella
• b/p
• 1c oatmeal
• 1 scoop protein powder
• 1/2 frozen pizza
• b/p

Clean: day 2

Once again, a day where I didn't binge and purge.

It's been a while since I've had two clean days in a row, but this is what hard work, dedication, and a shit tonne of support can do. I'm so grateful for my boyfriend who has been letting me sleep over at his house.

It was a tough day, I'm not going to lie. I got a test back and received 31% so I was really wanting to binge and purge. I went home instead and talked it out with my roommate.

I also went to a symposium on female athlete triad. There was a lot that I didn't know and it was really interesting, but also quite upsetting, as I have a lot of the symptoms and didn't realize. It's tough coming to terms that maybe I have more symptoms than I thought. Yes binging and purging is my main problem, but do I have problems with exercise as well? I never thought so because it's such a positive experience for me, but I also will compensate with exercise. I definitely need to focus on the binging and purging first, and if exercise helps me get through it, then I will use it as a coping mechanism. Once the binging and purging is under control I'll tackle my thoughts surrounding exercise.

I also had a really good chat with my mom in the evening. I told her how I failed my test and how the thoughts were very overwhelming. She calmed me down and reminded me that the test won't affect my grade (my prof offers a 100% final). I also came clean to her about how bad my bulimia had gotten, and how hard it was to turn things around. I told her about how it felt as though I was in withdrawal and how hard it was to function. Again, she was extremely supportive. I've never confided that much in my mom so it felt really good to do so.

Clean: day 1

I'd say it's day one of recovery if I was fully committed to eating fear foods, gaining weight, etcetera. But I'm not. Im simply determined to stop binging and purging. If this means I need to maintain my weight for a bit then so be it. Ideally though, once I'm clean for a bit I'll go back to trying to lose.

Today was hard. The second my roommate left for her afternoon class the binge urges hit. I ended up barricading myself in my room watching Netflix until she came home. Once she was home I told her not to let me out of the house. I couldn't do anything. I felt like I was in withdrawal. I was shaking, anxious, tired but couldn't sleep, and unable to focus. I had two protein bars before gymnastics and had a light practice. I got dropped off at my boyfriend's so that I can essentially be babysat all night. I gave him my wallet so that I can't buy any food tomorrow until after class, when I'll get my daily clif bar after tutoring.

All I'm hoping for at this point is that tomorrow is easier. All I want to do is binge and purge. The urges are so so high. But I must power through them.

Trying

Trying is really fucking hard.

I decided to try this week. I spent a few hours last night cooking meals for the next seven days. I have stacked containers in my fridge filled with breakfasts, lunches, dinners and snacks. I'm going to do it this week.

I'm sick of being sick, and tired of being tired.

No one said it would be easy. But no one said it would be this fucking hard either.

I spent an hour lying in bed literally shaking not knowing what to do with myself when I wanted to binge and purge. I'm now groggy on ativan and still want to binge and purge.

But I can't. My roommate is my accountability.

The thing is, I don't even want to binge and purge. But I need to. I crave the endorphin rush that comes with the large intake of sugar, and the dopamine rush after the purge. I don't know what else to do with myself. My back is sore from carrying these emotions around instead of flushing them down the toilet.

Why is this so god damn hard.

Midterm

I failed my first midterm on Thursday. I haven't gotten my score back yet, but I didn't answer enough questions properly to pass.

I was devastated. I spent Thursday evening binging and purging, and then sobbing into my boyfriend's shoulder.

I wanted to drop the course. I wanted to drop everything and get a 9-5 job that doesn't require a university degree. But that's not what I really want.

I really want to get an A in this class. And with the option of a 100% final, I can still achieve this. I can't spend my time sulking - I need to start studying seriously. I'm in control of how my future pans out and I'm going to make sure it pans out the way I want it to.

What I ate Wednesday

As I work on quitting binging and purging, my therapist encouraged me to go back to keeping a journal to keep myself accountable for what I'm eating, and how often I'm binging and purging.

I thought I'd share my food journal with you every Wednesday.

So, yesterday I ate:

• 1c yogurt and berries
• 1 clif bar
• Diet hot chocolate and a candy cane
• 1/2 cup egg whites with 1 tbsp pesto
• 1 grande skinny mocha
• 4 vector protein bars
• NO BINGES OR PURGES!!!

All of this came to about 1600 calories. I'd like to point out that I LOST on this many calories. I'm currently trying to maintain, and I wanted to point out how many calories your body requires. 

stigma

I've been asked why all my poetry is about mental health.

I write about mental illness because it has almost killed me.
I write about mental illness because it might still kill me.
I write about mental illness for those who can't.
But most of all, I write about mental illness because of the stigma.

Don't try to tell me that the stigma is gone. Don't tell me the stigma is gone when my prof rolled his eyes when I told him that I couldn't finish my assignment on time because of a major depressive episode. Don't tell me the stigma is gone when the crisis worker I was talking to shuffled backwards when I mentioned my borderline personality disorder. Don't tell me the stigma is gone when my old housemate told me I couldn't be anorexic because I have meat on my bones. Don't tell me the stigma is gone when my academic adviser told me that university is supposed to be stressful and I just need to get over my anxiety.

It's the stigma that causes so many to not seek help. People are dying from illnesses that can be managed with ongoing treatment because they're too embarrassed to seek help. People are dying from illnesses that can be managed with ongoing treatment because they can't afford the treatment. My provincial insurance covers medical doctors but not therapists. Try telling me the stigma is gone when treatment for cancer is covered but treatment for depression isn't.

The only time my therapy was covered by provincial insurance was when I was in a locked ward. Think about that for a second. My therapy was only covered when I was locked away from society. As if they only wanted to help me when I couldn't run wild. Tell me again that the stigma is gone, when it assumed that humans with mental illnesses are a danger to society when the statistics show that someone who suffers from mental illness is more likely to be a victim of a violent crime then to be the perpetrator.

When considering taking time off of school to go to treatment, my social worker asked me if I would take time off school if I had cancer.
Of course, I replied.
Then why are you treating this any differently?
Because I'm scared of what grad schools will think if I take time off for mental illness.

Tell me again that the stigma is gone.
I dare you.

Orthorexia

It started with lunch, whole grain bread, skinless chicken and spinach sandwiches. Fruit flavored yogurt as desert. Hitting all four food groups with one perfectly balanced meal, before going out for a 10 mile run.
Dinner was brown rice, broccoli and salmon., with a smoothie on the side.

Common meals that nutritionists eat, hitting those 7 servings of fruit and veggies every day. Getting recipes from Pinterest, and smiling as I indulged in a burger every so often.

I heard somewhere that it was healthier to be a vegetarian, and I really like animals, so I cut out red eat then chicken the fish. My lunch became whole grain bread, eggs and spinach. dinner was brown rice, broccoli and tofu. Things were good. I could eat work and play, running 12 miles a day. I felt healthier and knew I wasn't hurting animals.

Turns out that all animal products are bad, and cows and chickens are tortured for milk and eggs, so I said bye to the yogurt and cheese and the eggs. I was being healthier right? And saving the world at the same time. Everyone looked up to me, my discipline, my health, my care for the planet. I was down to running 8 miles per day but I was unstoppable. I was eating my whole grain bread, more than seven servings of fruits and vegetables a day and almond milk has the same nutrients as cow milk right?

That was all well and good until I found out gluten was bad because now I'm eating oatmeal with berries three times a day, and dry leaves on a plate when I go out with friends. I'm making cakes that taste like chalk from recipes off of Pinterest, but the girls posing beside the cake look so happy and radiant so if I eat the same things I'll look the same way, right?  My friend's are annoyed cause I can't have a beer but that's okay because alcohol slows down my five mile runs.

Did you know that humans used to only eat raw, and that's better for you because the nutrients don't get cooked out. And I swear it's possible to eat normally with only raw foods, using zucchini as pasta, and you can make your own granola out from seeds and agave. It takes me a couple hours to prepare every meal, so I have to work from home, and I can never go out to eat, so I never go out with friends. I finish my three mile run with a cup of green tea to fully detoxify my body. I'm broke because of the money I'm spending on dates, and no one wants to take me out on a date, because what do you do with a girl who won't eat anything?

I'm scared to even touch something I can't eat. What if the unhealthiness seeps into my skin. I don't trust others to not cover my food with lard, and I can't have someone watch me eat. I only eat at my white kitchen table scrubbed clean before and after every meal. I haven't gotten my period in month but that's good because I no longer have to take birth control and artificial hormones are bad. I take three times the recommended dose of Omega 3 but my hair is still falling out. I've cut anything processed, anything not pure. I've cut out animals, gluten, fat, friends, family, love, happiness and life. I'm only living for the next meal. I'm terrified of that brown rice, broccoli and salmon dinner I used to have.

I don't run like I used to, I can barely walk a mile, so I lay down in bed and wonder what the hell happened to me.

Grocery haul - November 8th

Finally got out of my b/p cycle enough to do some solid grocery shopping. I'm really grateful I have my family helping me out financially - otherwise I wouldn't be able to afford these groceries. When my house is stocked up with healthy food, I binge and purge way less than I would otherwise.

Maple French toast bagels - they looked to good to resist!!

Egg whites

Skim milk

Special K, pudding and granola bars

Raspberry and vanilla yogurt

Veggies! Lettuce, cucumber, celery, cauliflower

Vegan burgers!

Donald Fucking Trump

I don't like getting too political on this blog. This is a blog to express how I feel, what it's like to go through life with an eating and personality disorder, and for me to share positive or negative things that have happened in my life.

But today is different.

Today I'm scared.

I'm a Canadian and I'm scared.

I'm a white Canadian and I'm scared.

Most of my fears are anticipatory, and I know that many Americans who are visible minorities have much more to fear, but that doesn't make my fears any less valid. I want to help, I want to invite all my American friends to live in my house, I want to go personally save every person of colour, every member of the LGBTQ community, and every woman. But there is so little I can do.


On a more personal level, I've been feeling extremely angry, depressed, anxious and unmotivated since the election was called. Why? Because it has been my dream for 10 years to study at Berkeley. To get accepted to UC Berkeley's Ph.D. math program. To work with the top mathematicians, in beautiful city, in a wonderful state.
But what would happen if I went now? Would I get shot for going to a gay bar? Would I get arrested for seeking mental health help? I don't want to live in a country where there's even a chance of those things happening. I don't want to live in a country where everyone owns a gun, and school shootings are daily news.
But I've had this vision. Of me on the beach doing math. Of me studying at one of the top universities. Me being able to look back and say I've made it. I've been dreaming about this for years, and I've finally made it.
I may never have the opportunity to live out these dreams now. And I know that I'll make new dreams, and new plans and I'm sure I'll find something that will make me feel just as proud, but right now, my reason to study, my reason to live, is drifting away.


Obviously, me not being able to go to Berkeley is minor compared to what may happen to the world. But I'm still allowed to feel this way. I'm still allowed to be upset. One of the things I've learned over the past three years of therapy, is that no matter how minor your problem may seem in the grand scheme of things, you're allowed to feel how you feel. You're allowed to be upset over what is happening to you, as long as you stay mindful about the magnitude of the issue.
So I'm going to feel. I'm going to be upset that my dream is being ripped away. But I'm also going to accept. Right now, there's nothing I can do but wait and see what happens.

Sending love and warm hugs to anyone being negatively affected by this election in any way.

Playing hooky

My doctor has decided that I need to be weighed once a month to make sure my weight is somewhat stable.

Firstly, if my doctor wants to make sure my weight is stable she should really be weighing me weekly.. my weight fluctuations are so dramatic, that in this month alone, I've gained 10 pounds and lost 4. To my doctor that will just look like I've gained 6 pounds, which she would probably be happy about.

But that's beside the point. I find getting weighed by my doctor extremely triggering. My fucked up eating disorder brain tells me that she'll only care if I'm losing weight. That I have to be underweight for her to care. The problem is, I have evidence to support this. She started paying a lot more attention to me when I lost weight. All of a sudden, she was concerned about me missing my period, isolating myself, ordering blood work and EKGs. I always try to lose weight before my doctors appointments because of this.

Yesterday, when I woke up and had gained a pound from the day before, I decided there was no way I was going in. Instead, I lied in bed all day pouting because I had gained weight. Usually I would go to my doctor and talk through these feelings, but I couldn't stand the idea of being weighed.

I see my psychiatrist on Thursday, and I'm sure I'll get into trouble for skipping yesterday's appointment. And she'll most likely weigh me. But at least that gives me two more days to lose....

And so eat I will

It's Friday. I've made it through yet another week. Things aren't going too well academically.  I'm behind in all my courses, and my grades are about 30% lower then where they need to be. I'm starting to worry that I'm not made out for a career in mathematics. What if I'm just not smart enough? What if I just don't have it in me?

I'm trying to push aside these thoughts. If I believe them then I'll make them true. I'm going back to the basics. Studying my ass off. Working harder than ever. If I want this badly enough I can obtain it. I just need to fight.

I have two goals: be an elite gymnast, and be a professional mathematician.

These means I need to dream mathematics, bleed gymnastics and eat. Eat good food and keep it all down. My brain needs fuel and so does my body. I need to beat this bulimia. If I can't do that, I won't be able to do anything else.

I need to fight for my dreams. And to do so I must eat. And so eat I will.

Sleep

Today was a bust. I kept one of my five commitments. I binged and purged three times, and had to go to my boyfriend's for dinner to make sure it stayed down.

I'm just finding myself being so tired, and I know why. My sleep hygiene is complete crap right now. I'm staying up late, sleeping in, taking naps, sleeping in places other than my bed. It's a mess.

My first step to getting back on track is to fix my sleep hygiene. I will take my sleeping meds at 10. I will be in bed by 10:30 and asleep by 11. I'll wake up at 6:30 every morning. And I'll do whatever I have to do to not nap.

After a week of doing this, I'm going to start working on reducing my caffeine intake. I made the mistake of buying diet pills, which are filled with caffeine, and I've been taking several times the recommended dose every day, so caffeine has virtually no effect on me anymore.

Once my sleep hygiene and caffeine intake are under control, I think the eating will improve. At least, I hope it will. Whether or not it does though, having good sleep hygiene is good for other aspects of my mental health as well, so I'm going to keep working on it.