I'm back in the children's hospital where I was first admitted for my depression and suicidal thoughts. It's strange. I'm not here because I'm sick (even if I was I can no longer be treated here as I'm an adult) but to participate in a medical study.
For some reason I'm a lot more anxious then I was expecting to be. My heart is pounding in my chest and I'm shaking. I'm getting flashbacks from when my stepmom was sick which is quite common for me in hospitals, but I'm getting flashbacks from my admission three years ago. This has never really happened to me.. but I'm remembering the locked doors, the awful groups and the tears. I really was at my worst.
Being here is bringing back those feelings of intense sadness anger and loneliness. I'm remembering my parents faces as they cried because their baby girl wanted to die.
I want to bolt. To not partake in this study. It's completely voluntary and I can leave if I wish. But this is good for me. Although I'm being bombarded with feelings and anxious as hell I'm safe. I'm grounding myself and reframing my thoughts. Exposure is good for me, and I will fight through these feelings.
Tampilkan postingan dengan label ptsd. Tampilkan semua postingan
Tampilkan postingan dengan label ptsd. Tampilkan semua postingan
Kamis, 20 Oktober 2016
Selasa, 11 Oktober 2016
You can't pour from an empty cup
It's hard to remember this sometimes.
The past few days have been tough. My best friend attempted suicide again. She told me shortly afyer her overdose and we went to the hospital and she's medically stable. She's going to be okay.
I have no doubt in her ability to fight these demons as she's one of the strongest women I know. But she doesnt know that right now.
Im doing my best to be a good support. But my past trauma with hospitals has been brought up in therapy recently and so flashbacks have been strong. She's still hooked up to machines and getting fluids so that repetitive beeping sound is loud when I visit her. I want to be there, to stay with her, but I get flashbacks so damn quickly and can't function myself.
I know I need to distance myself from the hospital for a bit. And my friend will be home today. But it makes me feel like an awful friend not being able to be there with her. I'm on my way to see her and drop off some stuff for her. I'm going to have to be assertive and tell her I need to go home, but it's such a hard thing to do. I'm no use to her though if mg flashbacks send me spiraling back into a pit of darkness.
The past few days have been tough. My best friend attempted suicide again. She told me shortly afyer her overdose and we went to the hospital and she's medically stable. She's going to be okay.
I have no doubt in her ability to fight these demons as she's one of the strongest women I know. But she doesnt know that right now.
Im doing my best to be a good support. But my past trauma with hospitals has been brought up in therapy recently and so flashbacks have been strong. She's still hooked up to machines and getting fluids so that repetitive beeping sound is loud when I visit her. I want to be there, to stay with her, but I get flashbacks so damn quickly and can't function myself.
I know I need to distance myself from the hospital for a bit. And my friend will be home today. But it makes me feel like an awful friend not being able to be there with her. I'm on my way to see her and drop off some stuff for her. I'm going to have to be assertive and tell her I need to go home, but it's such a hard thing to do. I'm no use to her though if mg flashbacks send me spiraling back into a pit of darkness.
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