Update

It's been two weeks since I lasted blogged and my life has been pretty crazy since then. Exam season is upon us and it's a busy and stressful time.

My recovery has been going alright. I don't know if I can continue with it though. I'm very tempted to fall back into the welcoming arms of bulimia. I feel safe there. Out of control at times, but safe. There's some sort of regularity with my life when I'm in the bulimia cycle. And I can ignore feelings and stress while binging and purging. I've made a restriction plan for tomorrow. I know restriction will lead to a binge purge cycle but it's all I want. I need that false sense of control and distraction during exams and to get through this holiday season.

I'm not going home for the holidays. This was a tough, but ultimately the right, decision to make. Going home is always bad for me, and it is just better to avoid that situation. It does mean that I'm going to be alone on Christmas though. I'm thinking that I'll go to the movies, treat myself to a nice dinner out, put on a cute outfit, make a gingerbread house, and most likely get drunk to numb out the feelings. I want to do my best to have a positive day though. I might even make myself a stocking. I could buy myself little treats throughout the month and sew myself a stocking, and open it Christmas morning. Maybe I'll do that. Throw in some self care things, teas and stationary into a stocking, it would make me happy Christmas morning. My parents will be coming up to visit me, which will be nice because we'll be on my turf. I can set some ground rules so that things don't get too bad.

I'm starting to feel the effects of seasonal depression. I feel sluggish, and have some suicidal ideations. I'm just so lonely. I don't want to be alone on Christmas but I don't feel like I have any other options. I can't sit through a Christmas dinner. I just can't. I wish I was healthy enough to have a Christmas with my family. I am safe though. I'm determined to not end up in the psych ER this holiday season like I have the past three years.

Today was the last day of classes but I didn't go. I couldn't get myself to wake up for an 8:30 lecture. I've been having troubles with my sleep lately. I have been sleeping close to 16hrs a day, with 8-10 cups of coffee. My psychiatrist says it's depression, but I have never had symptoms like these, and I haven't had med changes in 4 months. She said she would prescribe stimulants except that it wouldn't be safe with my eating disorder. This is super frustrating. I ended up going to the drug store and buying over the counter diet pills that have a lot of caffeine. I'm pretty sure prescription stimulants would be safer than that.

Things with the boy are still going well. I'm shocked that we've been together for almost a year and half. Whoever said that borderline patients can't have successful relationships can go fuck themselves. Yes we have our challenges, but we've been able to work through them. It takes a lot of openness and the courage to be vulnerable but it is doable. I never thought it would be, I resigned to having careless flings for a while, but this is so much better.

I hope you've all had a positive start to December. I'll go back to posting daily, I've missed my blogger community.

Playing hooky

My doctor has decided that I need to be weighed once a month to make sure my weight is somewhat stable.

Firstly, if my doctor wants to make sure my weight is stable she should really be weighing me weekly.. my weight fluctuations are so dramatic, that in this month alone, I've gained 10 pounds and lost 4. To my doctor that will just look like I've gained 6 pounds, which she would probably be happy about.

But that's beside the point. I find getting weighed by my doctor extremely triggering. My fucked up eating disorder brain tells me that she'll only care if I'm losing weight. That I have to be underweight for her to care. The problem is, I have evidence to support this. She started paying a lot more attention to me when I lost weight. All of a sudden, she was concerned about me missing my period, isolating myself, ordering blood work and EKGs. I always try to lose weight before my doctors appointments because of this.

Yesterday, when I woke up and had gained a pound from the day before, I decided there was no way I was going in. Instead, I lied in bed all day pouting because I had gained weight. Usually I would go to my doctor and talk through these feelings, but I couldn't stand the idea of being weighed.

I see my psychiatrist on Thursday, and I'm sure I'll get into trouble for skipping yesterday's appointment. And she'll most likely weigh me. But at least that gives me two more days to lose....

Diets and bulimia

Sometimes I wonder if being on a strict diet would help my bulimia. I just started a new diet that I've wanted to try out, filled with safe foods and protein.

The problem is, this new diet I'm on involves calorie restriction. Is this really a good idea? It's light restriction, and only net calories count, so I can exercise loads and eat more appropriately. It's only been a couple of days, but it has helped. I'm binging and purging less and feel a lot more in control over my intake.

I had my roommate hide some of her food in my room. I often steal her food when I'm in binge mode, so I had her keep the food I tend to steal safely tucked away in her room so that I don't get that temptation.

I went grocery shopping yesterday. I want to go back to posting my grocery haul every week, but this won't start until November as I have no money right now, and food to last me the month.

What are your thoughts on diets as a recovery method for bulimia? Are they a good idea or not?

My depression is ugly: video

Perseverance

I've gotten shot down time and time again. I'm one of those 'hopeless' cases no one wants to help. I guess when your still suicidal after four hospitalizations and the max amount of anti depressants they can give you, doctors no longer know what to do. 

In some ways, I've had an extremely lucky upbringing. Supportive parents, great friends, wonderful teammates, and big goals. But no matter how lucky you are, life always gets in the way. It started with my parents divorce, followed by rejection, loss and despair. 

Between this rocky, although happy, upbringing, and losing the genetic lottery, the depression, anxiety, bulimia, and borderline personality were in full swing by the time I was 17. 

I'm what they call a high-functioning mentally ill patient. But under that high-functioning mask, is a lost girl who wakes up at 5 every morning because it takes an hour to will herself out of bed. A girl who spends hours staring at herself in the mirror and hunching over a toilet bowl swearing to herself that she won't ever eat again. A girl who thinks of blades, and ropes, and bridges and pills. 

I'm a therapists worst nightmare. Smart enough to know all the tricks up their sleeves, but not smart enough to listen. Smart enough to be self aware of everything I'm doing but not smart enough to stop. Every time I start thinking I could live a life without my illnesses I come crashing down, fully relapsing into the self harm, purging and other destructive behaviors. Every time I think I'll never slice my skin open or stick my fingers down my throat every again, I end up losing it all, setting my days clean count back to zero.

Every time I think I can break loose and start to walk away, something about this demon pulls me back to the start. I'm like one of those monkeys in a monkey trap. Forever stuck because I won't let go of that stupid banana. 

Don't you dare say I'm not trying

I spend most nights crying, counting my pills until I fall asleep wondering if I have the tools to kill myself without leaving my bed. 

But I wake every God damn morning and eat breakfast.