Impulsivity

I realized that most of my recent posts have been about my bulimia, but I also want to write about my borderline personality disorder.

I thought I'd talk about a few ways I handle my impulsivity without self destructing. These don't help 100% of the time, but they do help.

1. Get upside down! I'm a gymnast so I go to the gym four times a week to do flips, and that gives me an outlet for a lot of my impuslivity, and also works as a mindfulness activity. Try power yoga, and open adult gym class or a trip to one of those new trampoline gyms. You could even try doing handstands, cartwheels or elbow stands in an open area.
2. SHOP! Impulsive spending is one of my behaviours, but it is possible to do this in a safe way. Try going to the dollar store, shopping for school supplies or even going to the grocery store (to buy healthy foods). I've used grocery shopping as an outlet for my impulsive spending by buying food I wouldn't normally buy, but will eat. I'll buy things like new protein powder or sushi. I even used textbook buying to calm my urge to impulsively spend money.
3. Drink a very hot or very cold beverage. This really helps my binge/purge urges. The temperature shock gets me to calm down. Taking a very hot (not burning though!) or cold shower works as well. 
4. Send a sexual text. This helps me with my sleeping around urges. Since having a boyfriend, the urges have calmed down, but I know it's a common thing with those who suffer with borderline. Instead of going and sleeping with strangers, try just sexting strangers over Tindr. I did this when I was single, and it was much safer than getting into a strangers car.

exceptional

I used to want to be exceptional. Better then everyone. Competitive. Driven. I knew that to be the best you had to beat the best. 

I've lost that drive. I don't want to be exceptional anymore. I just want to be normal. I would give up what I'm good at to not be sick. And I've never felt this way before. 

I've always thought I'd be okay being miserable as long as I was exceptional. I'm not anymore. I'm tired, I'm worn out, and I just don't care. That scares me. That shows me how badly I'm doing.

Changes

I lost a bunch of weight the first week of being in hospital. Then I lost nothing for the next three weeks. I'm so frustrated. Why can't I just be skinny.

I've decided to go vegan. I'm going to go at it slowly. First of all, I'm not eating eggs. That's step one. Once I get discharged I'm going to off dairy. I'm hoping it helps me. I don't know with what.

I saw the following picture floating around twitter:

I don't know where to start. So I'm just going to start making changes. And we'll see what happens.

psych ward drama

Psych ward drama is always exciting... until you're a part of it. Then it's terrible.

My roommate who takes my stuff has become a nightmare. The good news is, she is no longer my roommate. The bad news is, it took her being violent with me before they moved the rooms around.

It started when she first moved in. I walked into my room and found my tablet on her bed, and she was wearing my scarf. The next morning I woke up to her going through my backpack. That afternoon she had put my laptop in her cupboard and taken my tablet again, along with a lipbalm and some stevia.
I finally got a nurse to take me seriously and gave me the key to lock my dresser. The girl gave me a friendship bracelet, and sat with me. Things seemed to be going okay.
Then that night, she took my container of nuts and started eating them. When I walked into my room she asked me if it was okay that she had taken some nuts. I said sure, but asked her to ask me first next time. She started mocking me and stormed out of the room.
Due to a spat between me and my bestfriend/housemate on top of what was going on with my psych ward roommate I took some ativan before going to sleep.
I woke up at midnight to her kicking my shin. Now I have shin splints so this was extremely painful. She left the room, and I followed her out to go talk to a nurse. I grabbed my tablet and phone with me in order to not get them stolen. She kept on talking about how I'm a bitch and a whore. She saw me following her and turned around and went at me, pushing me against the wall. Being stronger than her I managed to get around her but before I knew it I was pinned up against the other wall. I yelled out stop so that the nurses would come over.
The nurses came out and asked what was going on. She claimed that I had woken her up and taken her things. The nurses figured out pretty quickly that that isn't what happened. They sent her back to her room and I slept in the comfort room.

Today things seem to have sorted themselves out. She got moved to the locked back unit. I got a new roommate, who is the sweetest most wonderful lady. I'm still terrified though. I was happily eating lunch in the lunch room when she walked in. My heart rate rose immediately and I had to leave the room, finishing my lunch in my room.

I hate not being able to feel safe in a safe place.  

rejection letter

I applied for a job that would have been perfect for me. It was to be a teaching assistant for gifted students in the states - in exactly my area of research. I interviewed on Friday. Today I got the news that I didn't get the job.

When you have borderline personality disorder everything has so much meaning. I didn't get the job. Therefore I'm a failure. Therefore I'm never going to have anything good in my life. Therefore I should give up on school. Therefore I should die.

I know logically it makes no sense. But to me it does. I take rejection hard. I know that these people are strangers, but I got rejected by them. No one wants me.

I'm supposed to be working on my thesis. I lost all motivation.

I want to smash my head into the wall. Maybe that would improve my brain function considering how dumb I apparently am.

Inpatient

Sorry for the lack of posting recently. I'm trying to get back to blogging regularly but I keep sleeping instead.

I've been inpatient for a week now. After planning and starting to go through with my suicide plan the ambulance showed up at my door and picked me up. I'm here involuntarily but I do accept that I need the admission. I still don't want to keep myself safe, and that's scary. It's good to be somewhere where others can do that for me. We're located on the tenth floor of the hospital and everytime I look outside I want to jump. I guess that's proof that I'm not ready to leave.

It's incredibly boring here. I've been trying to keep up with school work but have been really lacking motivation. I'm hoping to be better by reading week, and if that is case I will still be able to catch up with work. There are a couple groups that brings during the day but not very many... And they aren't mandatory which makes it tempting to just lay in bed with Netflix in the background. But I know that won't help me.

Tonight I get to go off the ward with my boyfriend and roommate. I'm going out for dinner, and super excited to have food that isn't hospital food. I'm really craving a binge purge session and it may be inevitable tonight to be honest. I'll try my best though. I'll get to go home and bring some food I'm more comfortable with onto the ward which I'm excited about.

I've put a reminder to blog on my phone. I love writing to you all and definitely feel calmer when I write. This blog is definitely a journal for me.

Psychiatry appointment

I'm taking on a lot of challenges this term. I'm taking a full course load (programming, algebra, combinatorics, cryptography and finishing my thesis) as well as tutoring and doing an eating disorder recovery group.

I know that this is a lot to take on. But I'm being optimistic. I truly believe that I can do this. Keeping busy has always been helpful for me, and I want to try getting myself ready for graduate school, where I'll be even more busy than I am now.

My psychiatrist was not on board with this plan. She flat out told me she didn't think I could do it and that I should drop classes immediately.  This really upset me. I know I'm taking on a lot. And the reminder that I can drop classes and put my mental health first is always welcoming. However, I was really hoping that she would be more supportive. Congratulate me for trying. I haven't been this motivate in quite a long time and having her crush that with thoughts of failure was really disappointing.

I mentioned my anxiety being very high lately, and she said we could consider putting me on Lyrica. I'm usually all for trying new medication, but my current medication regime has helped a lot, and I don't want to mess it up. Additionally, she said that this medication can cause drowsiness lingering into the day even if taken at night, and that is just about the last thing I need right now. I'm not struggling with over sleeping as much as I was at the end of last year, but it is still a struggle, and I don't want to do anything that would make that worse. If anyone has any experience with Lyrica please let me know!

Best of 2016

2016 has been a shit year for many, including myself. But great writing tends to emerge during difficult times. Here are what I consider to be my top 15 pieces from 2016.

15. reflections from the hospital


14. Days Weeks Months Years


13. Why they need to get rid of atypical anorexia


12. To the girl who thinks she's smarter than this


11. #eatittobeatit


10. This one's for the girl


9. My depression is ugly


8. Faking perfection


7. Thinspo: video (no images, don't worry)


6. How to help a suicidal friend


5. Orthorexia


4. 7 things I want you to know as you're staring into the toilet bowl


3. A week with borderline personality disorder


2. Counting down (link to buy my poetry book, one of my greatest accomplishments so far)


1. Cat pictures (because my cat is the best thing that has happened to me this year)

To the crisis workers

Christmas Eve ended up being incredibly tough for me.

After plugging away and getting through the day I started feeling incredibly sad that I was going to be alone on Christmas. Incredibly sad that I was too sick to go home. Just, incredibly sad.

Around two I checked the bus schedule to see if I could get up north to see my dad. It was too late.

I started drinking at 4. By six I was sad and drunk - not a good combination for me.

I didn't want to do it, but I took sleeping pills, too many sleeping pills. I called our crisis line and they sent down an ambulance and a few police officers who specialize in mental health.

I got in and out very quickly.

I don't remember much. I remember asking the paramedic why so many people were there. I remember telling someone I didn't want to see psych. I remember drinking an orange ensure (which tasted like a creamscicle).

I don't remember sending the incoherent messages to my boyfriend. I don't remember getting to and from the hospital. I don't remember taking a picture of my IV and posting it on instagram.

The scary thing, is that slip up is making it so much more tempting to go back and OD again. But I know I can't do that. I need to surround myself with love and support. I can't let this depression win.


So, to the crisis workers that worked Christmas Eve, thank you for keeping me safe.

Keeping busy

I find one of the most difficult things about the holidays is keeping myself busy. If I don't the thoughts just wander every which way, and that's when I get into trouble.

So I made a plan. A plan of what I'm going to do today.

I'm starting off by going to the gym, then I'll pick up my books and notebooks for next term, pick up some litter, book a doctors appointment and head back home.
After a shower, I'm going to head to the hospital to see a friend, and pick up his keys and go check on his cat.
This busy morning will end with a big bowl of cookies and creme oats loaded with fruit.
This afternoon I plan to make a Greek couscous salad, and start working on my first few assignments for the new term, as well as on my thesis.
Then it's time to knit, drink and watch Gilmore Girls all evening.

With borderline I get very impulsive. Not only do the dark thoughts roll in, but I start thinking about binging and purging, or spending all my money on things I don't need. My plan helps me. I have things to do, places to go and people to see. Getting outside helps fight the seasonal affective disorder, and being busy stops the impulsive and dark thoughts from getting in.

To those of you who still have exams, good luck!

Update

It's been two weeks since I lasted blogged and my life has been pretty crazy since then. Exam season is upon us and it's a busy and stressful time.

My recovery has been going alright. I don't know if I can continue with it though. I'm very tempted to fall back into the welcoming arms of bulimia. I feel safe there. Out of control at times, but safe. There's some sort of regularity with my life when I'm in the bulimia cycle. And I can ignore feelings and stress while binging and purging. I've made a restriction plan for tomorrow. I know restriction will lead to a binge purge cycle but it's all I want. I need that false sense of control and distraction during exams and to get through this holiday season.

I'm not going home for the holidays. This was a tough, but ultimately the right, decision to make. Going home is always bad for me, and it is just better to avoid that situation. It does mean that I'm going to be alone on Christmas though. I'm thinking that I'll go to the movies, treat myself to a nice dinner out, put on a cute outfit, make a gingerbread house, and most likely get drunk to numb out the feelings. I want to do my best to have a positive day though. I might even make myself a stocking. I could buy myself little treats throughout the month and sew myself a stocking, and open it Christmas morning. Maybe I'll do that. Throw in some self care things, teas and stationary into a stocking, it would make me happy Christmas morning. My parents will be coming up to visit me, which will be nice because we'll be on my turf. I can set some ground rules so that things don't get too bad.

I'm starting to feel the effects of seasonal depression. I feel sluggish, and have some suicidal ideations. I'm just so lonely. I don't want to be alone on Christmas but I don't feel like I have any other options. I can't sit through a Christmas dinner. I just can't. I wish I was healthy enough to have a Christmas with my family. I am safe though. I'm determined to not end up in the psych ER this holiday season like I have the past three years.

Today was the last day of classes but I didn't go. I couldn't get myself to wake up for an 8:30 lecture. I've been having troubles with my sleep lately. I have been sleeping close to 16hrs a day, with 8-10 cups of coffee. My psychiatrist says it's depression, but I have never had symptoms like these, and I haven't had med changes in 4 months. She said she would prescribe stimulants except that it wouldn't be safe with my eating disorder. This is super frustrating. I ended up going to the drug store and buying over the counter diet pills that have a lot of caffeine. I'm pretty sure prescription stimulants would be safer than that.

Things with the boy are still going well. I'm shocked that we've been together for almost a year and half. Whoever said that borderline patients can't have successful relationships can go fuck themselves. Yes we have our challenges, but we've been able to work through them. It takes a lot of openness and the courage to be vulnerable but it is doable. I never thought it would be, I resigned to having careless flings for a while, but this is so much better.

I hope you've all had a positive start to December. I'll go back to posting daily, I've missed my blogger community.

Don't let the statistics tell you otherwise.

I never thought I'd find someone who cares about me like you do. Someone who will hold my hand and tell me everything will be okay when I felt as though the sky was falling. Someone willing to visit me when I'm locked inside a hospital room. Someone willing to talk to me, when all I could talk about is death.

They say that borderlines can't have successful relationships, that we're doomed for life. Well, I'm proving you wrong. I always believed in this myth, getting myself into destructive relationships, breaking up and getting back together time and time again, ending up hating and loving my partner simultaneously, making me feel as though my life is a tornado of emotions.

I found someone better. Someone who makes me believe that I can get my life back on track. Someone who makes me believe that I have a chance of making it in this world. Someone who believes in happiness and love.

I'm not going to lie and say that happy successful relationships are easy to obtain. They're hard. You need to work at it, and so does your partner. But it can work. It means having the hard conversations. Talking about the way you feel. Explaining what your disorder makes you believe and why you can't always function the way you would like to.

But it's possible.

You can find true love.

Don't let the statistics tell you otherwise.

Psychiatry appointment

I had an appointment with my psychiatrist today and it went extremely well!

She congratulated me on not binging and purging since Monday (I'm on day three!!), as well as not engaging in other behaviours such as cutting.

I really am getting better, I'm on an upward slope right now.

We discussed how I really have to be careful about taking my meds at the same time every day. Two days ago I took my meds in the afternoon instead of the morning and I felt really low and my urges were high yesterday. I managed to fight through though, which means that non only are my meds working better, my coping strategies have improved a lot.

I'm struggling with flashbacks of my mom getting very angry as well as my stepmom being in the hospital. I'm having a really hard time dealing with those, but I've been using my ativan and thought records ground myself. Since it's reading week I've also been taking a lot of naps to ignore life, which is one thing I'll need to stop doing come next week.

World mental health day Facebook post

Today is #worldmentalhealthawarenessday

Mental illnesses are life threatening conditions that have caused me  and many others several hospitalizations, treatment programs and medications. What's even worse is that many individuals don't have access to treatment because of the stigma or lack of finances.

I'd like to take this opportunity to talk about medication. Below is a picture of the medication I have to take daily for my mental illness. Yes it's a lot. No it's not big pharma trying to take advantage of me. Finding the right medication has changed my life and this drug cocktail is what's keeping me alive.
I've seen many people talk about how exercise, healthy eating and all sorts of other things are natural anti-depressants. And this can be true to some extent. But when there is a chemical imbalance in your brain, you need medication that will help fix that imbalance.

I'd like to thank everyone who's stuck by me over the past three years of hospitalizations, relapses, ups and downs. It hasn't been an easy three years, but I'm glad I'm still here to talk about it. I personally suffer from borderline personality disorder, bulimia, depression and anxiety. If you have an questions about any of these illnesses or my experience with them please ask.

Is this recovery?

I seem to be heading back to where I was three years ago. Managing an eating disorder driven by anxiety, but fully functioning and very few suicidal thoughts. In terms of my BPD, I still have abandonment issues but I no longer feel the need to engage in extreme behaviors around real or perceived abandonment. I hate to admit it, but a lot of this comes from practicing radical acceptance.
In terms of my depression, I have felt so much better since my meds got adjusted. I feel excited and I also feel low, but I don't feel impulsive when I feel low, so I'm in quite a safer place. My low moods are also a lot less low than they used to be. If there was a scale, where 0 was the worst depression, and 20 was the best mood (and 10 was neutral), I used to bounce between 0 and 20 with no room in the middle. I know feel like on an average day I hover between an 8 and a 12, and on mad days I go from 4 to 16. This is a lot of improvement. I've found a middle ground. I've also learned how relationships should work. I've been with Kyle for over a year and he's incredibly supportive, and I support him when he needs it. Over the summer I needed more support than I was giving, but now that I'm doing better, he's opening a bit more and I'm able to give him more support. I'm still struggling a lot with some family issues, and maybe I should try some radical acceptance worksheets to help with this. But overall, I'm extremely proud of myself.

If I keep this up, I might get through the year positively, learn a lot, and not let my grades suffer. I will become diagnostically clear of BPD, and depression. Of course, I'll need to stay on the meds I'm on for quite some time (maybe forever) and I have no problem with that. If medication is what I need to feel a normal spectrum of emotions, motivate me to do the things I love, and make sure I don't ever hallucinate again, I'm quite happy to continue using them. I take a lot of medication. Then again, I'm very sick, and this amount of medication is what works for me. You wouldn't tell a diabetic to stop taking their insulin once the insulin starts working and they are managing, so don't tell me to stop taking my psych meds if my psych meds are working.

I'm very confident that I won't be overdosing any time soon. I feel comfortable having more meds around the house, and no longer feel the urge to swallow the bottle. I can't wait to get back into the gym and I can't do that if I land myself in hospital again. I can't get to the level I want to get to in gymnastics if I keep overdosing and harming my body in other ways.

I do need to find a balance with my anxiety, bulimia and school work. I've started making meal plans, and I promise I'm trying my best to follow them, but I still get urges to binge and purge (for emotional reasons, after a stressful conversation or triggering event). Last night after a 2am binge, I didn't vomit and I can't seem to allow myself to eat food now. I get home at 8:30 and that will be 18 hours since I've last eaten, and I know I can't allow myself to do this. I plan on having two apples, two bananas and a bowl of oatmeal to make up for it. It will still be low but it will be enough to have a good sleep, and start again with my food plan tomorrow. It's all about trying every single day.

So I know I'm getting better, especially with the DBT and depression aspects. But my anxiety and eating disorder are still very loud. And the strange thing is... I'm okay with that. The anxiety gets me good grades as I over study. The eating disorder gives me control when it doesn't get out of hand.

So is this really recovery?

West Coast Best Coast

I'm spending some time on the west coast right now, at a summer school for women in math.

The campus I'm staying at is beautiful, the residence I'm in is fabulous, the math I'm learning is incredible, and the people I'm meeting are remarkable.

This is the campus that I'd like to transfer to next year, and ideally do my masters here as well.

The beach is so beautiful here, and there's a clothing optional beach on campus which I find wonderful. I don't have the body confidence to go swimming nude, but I love how liberating the idea is.

I really like it here. The weather is wonderful. Healthy vegan and vegetarian food is readily available. I haven't been taking much advantage of this wonderful healthy food though - I've been binging an purging most of my time here. I'm trying to put an end to it though. My goal is only one binge and purge session today (which already happened this morning).

We're off to a field trip today, which I'm quite excited about. It's really hard for me to keep going and having all these packed days, without the alone time that I need.

But I'm going to push through, and I'll make the most of this conference.

Reflections from the hospital

"I think being admitted with older patients has really helped my recovery. It helped me realize that I'm still in a that honey moon stage. I'm still at a point where my mental illness gets me love and sympathy when I feel emotionally neglected. It won't continue this way. I've already lost opportunities and independence and it's just going to get worse. I need to stop romanticizing being sick and take it for what it really is: a deadly illness. There really is no choice but to get better.

I think I will always struggle with suicidal ideations because of the way I look at the world. The seemingly lack of purpose will always affect me as I am a driven goal oriented person. But I can use those traits positively. I can use those traits to achieve things in my life. I can use those traits to overcome this illness. Setting consistent goals for myself will be very beneficial and important in both my recovery and general life.

I think I will always struggle with food. I think that my upbringing and experience with gymnastics and goals as an athlete will make food a challenge. But I am now willing to admit the effect that being an athlete has on my eating habits, which is tremendous progress. I believe that through harm reduction I can get myself to a point where I no longer fit the diagnostic criteria for an eating disorer. My goals are still to maintain a low weight and I am unable to let go of that, but I can earn to be balanced and have less disordered patterns. Recovery looks different for everyone and these are the steps I am currently willing to take."

- An exert from my journal

What I want

Over my stay here at the hospital, I've figured out a lot of things that I don't want in my life. Today I refocused those thoughts. Knowing what you don't want is good, but it leaves a lot in the open. Knowing what you want is more important, it can guide you, help you set goals and lead you in a positive direction. I did some pretty intense journalling today. Here is an excerpt


I don't want to be this way when I'm thirty. I don't want to have to put my life on hold to be in the hospital. I don't want to constantly worry my friends and family. I don't want to define myself by my illnesses. I don't want to miss out because I'm scared of calories. I don't want to have three wardrobes because of weight fluctuations.

I want to have Ph.D. when I'm thirty. I want to be learning and advancing my career. I want my friends and family to have a stable relationship with me. I want to define myself by my career and interests. I want to have fun and experience life, including food. I want to maintain a weight I feel good at though balanced eating and exercise.

Life isn't fair

I got to leave the hospital for a few hours today, which was quite a nice change in pace. I got some good coffee, chatted with a friend, had a nice hot shower, and packed some extra thinks for my stay.

That was all very nice. The problem arose when I was walking around campus. I got endless glares at my scratched up arms and hospital bracelet. I ran into a few people I knew who were spending their summer doing research, and I had to fake a smile and tell them that I'm taking time to myself to get better, and not that I was forced into hospital after multiple overdoses. I faked a smile when all I wanted to do was cry and scream about the unjust world.

Even my taxi driver was an idiot. I asked him to pick me up from campus and take me to the psych hospital. I have a hospital bracelet on my wrist. He decided that it was appropriate to ask why my arms where so scratched up.

To make things worse, I got an email from my perfect aunt, who has a perfect kid, saying she was sorry to hear I was in hospital. I understand that she's my dad's sister, and my dad wanted to share, but it sucks. Her son has been extremely fortunate with his health, and summer opportunities and I'm here sitting in a psych ward.

I know the world isn't fair. I know I shouldn't expect it to be. But I just hate that it's not.

Inpatient

I've been admitted to the acute mental health ward. I'm allowed my phone which is wonderful, and the staff seems quite laid back and caring.

I overdosed twice in the past two days, which is what resulted in me getting here.

I'm hoping my stay isn't too long as I'm hoping to get on a plane and fly to Vancouver in a couple weeks. But a week long stay wouldn't do me any harm.

They keep on asking me what I need. I don't know what I need. I just know that what I'm doing right now isn't working. That spending my nights wanting to overdose or actually overdosing isn't how I should be living my life. I really hope this stay helps me. I'm fed up living like this.

I have reasons to stay alive but none of them matter if I'm dead. And that's the current though process I'm struggling with. I'll continue writting and keeping you all posted.

Thank you so much for your unconditional support.