Holiday meal plan

I know that many of you are stressed with Christmas coming up (tomorrow is Christmas Eve!!) so I thought I would share some yummy safe dishes of mine I'll be eating. 

Obviously it will be weird for me to be eating different food than my family, but since I'm vegetarian, it happens anyways so I use that as my excuse to make my own food. It helps that my immediate family knows and are supportive/know that I'm 18 and there isn't much they can do. 

How to get through a three course Christmas meal: 

1. bread/salad. 

I make myself a very nice garden salad and fill up on this. I don't dress my salads, I simply put some salt and pepper on it. I often have the same salad my family is having, and ask them to leave the dressing on the side. I'll tend to skip the bread, when the bread basket goes around, or put a very small piece of bread in the basket and go for that one. Bread is such a fear food for me, I'd rather not be triggered to b/p right from the get go.

Salad ~ 50 (about two-three cups worth, no dressing)

Bread ~50 (for a small piece)

2. Main course. 

I replace the turkey with tofurky roast (125 per tenth of the roast) and then have a plateful of steamed veggies (about 50 for two cups). I can't do potatoes, so I always skip those. 

3. Desert. 

This is the though one and seems to ALWAYS lead me to binging and purging. I plan on loading up on fruit salad (about 80 for a cup) and some light whipped cream to look like I'm indulging (25 per quarter cup)

In total your meal can easily be under 400cals, and you still feel part of the Christmas celebrations. 

Good luck!

-Niqi

xoxo

Friends

I tried seeing people today. I was social for 4 and a half hours. I currently want to sleep for 20 years. Why are social interactions so exhausting? Of course, now it is almost dinner time so I have to be social with my family.
I swear the holidays are more tiring then the school year. At least during the school year I can claim that the reason I'm not being social is because of readings and assignments.. It's kinda hard to do that during the break.
Ughh I need to sleep. A lot. Or just be alone for ever... Why are social interactions expected of me?

-Niqi
xoxo

I'm not depressed because..

I'm not depressed because I spent two days in bed. I got up today, wrote an exam, socialized with three friends, took a train to go home, watched a comedy, knit and played guitar. But at the end of the day, I'm back in bed wanting to die.

I'm not depressed because I don't know what I want to do with my life. I know exactly what I want to do with my life. I have plans upon plans of all the things I want to accomplish. I know which courses I'll take at which grad schools and which condo I'd like to live in in 5, 10 and 15 years. I will have three cats named Ana, Maleficent, and Pixie.

I'm not depressed because it's winter. Yes I am affected by S.A.D. I also attempted suicide in June.

I'm not depressed because school is too much. Yes university courses can trigger my anxiety. But some days the only reason I got out of bed is because I really really like linear algebra class.

I'm not depressed because of a certain reason. There isn't one thing you can change in my life that will make me happy. There are things that give me a reason to not die, until the chemical imbalances in my brain are changed. My meds are still being sorted out. My therapy is still being sorted out. I'm depressed because I am one of the unlucky ones with Major Depressive Disorder. You can't just 'fix' me. Please just stick with me.

-Niqi
xoxo

Questions questions questions

... I know I'm going to have to answer all of these the second I see my parents:

• How is school?
• How is treatment?
• How is recovery? 
• How much are you purging? 
• How much are you restricting? 
• Why do you care so much about your weight? 
• Why do you care so much about your grades?
• What are your grades like?
• How did exams go?
• How was the semester?
• Did you get to know any of your profs?
• Why did you spend so much money? 
• Why is there an ambulance charge on your credit card? 
• Can't you see how much your hurting us? 
• Does your eyeliner have some sort of deep meaning? 
• Why don't you want to talk to us? 
• Why don't you want to play with your siblings?
• Why don't you want to go see your highschool friends? 
• Did you lose weight? 
• Did you gain weight? 
• Do you know how much we love you?
• Are you still trying to lose weight? 
• Are you going to get a scholorship? 
• How much are your books going to cost next year?
• What are your new years resolutions? 
• Do you still like your therapist?
• Why aren't you ding treatment at the hospital?
• Why don't you want to stay longer? 
• What meds are you on now?
• Why do you need blood work done so often? 
• Is it safe for you to have meds in your room? 
• Why are you taking so many vitamins? 
• Is that enough food for breakfast/lunch/dinner?
• Isn't that a lot of food?
• Are you going to purge that? 
• Where did all our alcohol go? 

-Niqi

xoxo

I'm ginormous

I'm ginormous.
A big piece of lard.
Expanding every day at an exponential speed.
I lose a pound yet it looks like I gained 4.
So I lose some more. And more and more.
Until I eat the entire kitchen.
And then start again.
Oh joy.

-Niqi
xoxo

Fucking therapy

I love my therapist. 

Well I did.
I might hate her now. 

Yesterday, I was really proud of myself, told her how I was feeling and ended up in the ER for 'suicidal threats and behaviours'. They let me out. I emailed her to see if I could talk to her today specifically about ways I could lift my mood and strategies to get through the holidays. 

Did I get help and support? 

No. 

I got a fucking lecture. 

I got told that I don't have my priorities right. Well too bad it's my life. 

I was accused of lying because my university timetable got changed. I don't control the fucking schedule.

Apparently I'm not committed enough to recovery. Well I'm 18, live alone and choosing to see you every other week, so I'm pretty damn sure that I'm trying. 

I really want to cancel my appointments in January. 

I don't want to go back. 

More triggered then ever. Every time she tells me I can't do something, I want to spit in her face and say watch me. 

So watch me she will. 

I will be skinny, smart, successful and powerful. She did do one thing right. I have motivation to live again because I need to prove her wrong. 

-Niqi

xoxo 

Burnt out too soon

A week and half too soon.
10 days to be exact.
4 more finals to write and I'm already done.
Ready to throw in the towel.

I'm crying myself to sleep.
Wondering when this will end.
Feeling, tired and worthless.

I starve myself to deal with the stress.
But how can I concentrate when I have no food?

10 days. You can do it. 10 days.

-Niqi
xoxo

Falling off

I'm stuck.
Trapped in a land between reality and fantasy.
Where broken hearts become physically tired.
Where more time is spent in the bathroom than with friends.
Getting out is harder then anything you've ever imagined.
It's like falling 50ft off a tight rope.
Try getting back up.
It's anything but impossible.
And if you don't get back in a certain time, you die.
You get dizzy, and start blacking out.
Your heart starts to flutter, but you aren't in love.
You're dying.
Throwing money in the toilet,
Disappointing your family,
Loosing your friends.
You're stuck.
Lurking between reality and fantasy, life and death.
I want to turn back.
But I can't.
So I resign.

-Niqi
xoxo

I need to relax

I CAN'T SEEM TO BE ABLE TO RELAX.
My anxiety has been through the roof for the past month. 3 weeks of midterms and so many assignments. So I did what I always do. I ignored my emotions. I shut down that part of my brain. Of course that never leads to any good. Fucking BPD. My impulse goes crazy when I ignore my emotions. I made a lot of stupid decisions. And binged and purged so much. That post purge high is magical.
On the plus side, I did get through most of my midterms reasonably well. I definitely should have done a lot, and I mean A LOT better on physics and linear algebra. But I should still be able to pull of an A+ in every class except for physics. I'm just gonna have to work my ass off. And a B- in physics will still allow me to have an A average.

-Niqi
xoxo

Romanticizing vs glorifying

If you search mia, ana, depression, anxiety, suicide, self harm or any other related word into tumblr, you will find a load of black and white pictures of sad teenagers, and depressing quotes.

You will also find a bunch of people ranting about how terrible it is to romanticize mental illnesses.

Here is my unpopular opinion: Romanticizing mental illness is fine. There is absolutely nothing wrong with it. However there is a BIG problem with glorifying mental illness. The problem is, the difference can be hard to notice.

Romanticizing illnesses is done all the time. From John Green writing romance novels about teens dying with cancer, and a potential suicide in "The Fault in Our Stars" and "Looking for Alaska", to quotes such as "There are lines on your wrists/ like railroad tracks/ and I know exactly where they're going/ but there is no train to heaven" (Unknown), we romanticize illness everyday. It helps us cope. Thinking that we are tragically beautiful, or a purging princess, or a delicate doll helps us hate ourselves less.

The problem occurs when the romanticizing enters that grey section, where illness are glorified, the bad sides pushed aside, and people start wanting eating disorders. I'm talking about people thinking that being depressed means someone is going to save you and help you escape from the dark side. Or thinking that cancer will make you realize exactly what you want in life, and post recovery you will live your life to the fullest.

This isn't how illnesses work. Yes maybe when you are depressed you have that one person who never gives up on you and gives you hope. But you still can't get out of bed everyday, cry yourself to sleep at night, get nightmares, and can't cross the street without secretly hoping that a car will run you over. If you wish you had an eating disorder, stop right now. You will lose your hair, your friends, isolate yourself, and the disease will take control of your brain.

If romanticizing your illness helps you cope. Continue what you are doing. I know that reading poems about people dying, and reading books about beautiful girls who cut themselves but get saved and find themselves with the help of a boy, gives me hope. Makes me think that I'm not just a crazy worthless girl. But please never encourage others to worsen their disorders, and if you find yourself wishing you could have a bit of anorexia or anxiety please stop and read about all the terrible side affects of these diseases.

-Niqi
xoxo

Why bother

I don't see why I should bother. I try to get better, and I get knocked down. I binge and feel relief. Purge and feel power. Restrict and feel control. I don't know how to get those addicting feelings without my destructive cycles.
But why bother? I'll live a shorter life filled with emotions caused my ED. But at least those emotions will include relief, power and control instead of sadness, fear and stress.
We are all addicted to something that takes away the pain.
Don't take from me what I use to take away the pain.
Please understand.
I can't recover. I just can't.

-Niqi
xoxo

What the pro-ana community has done for me

As I sit at my kitchen table crying as I eat spoonfuls of peanut butter, hating myself with every bite, but unable to stop, there are only a few people I can turn to.
No, those people aren't my parents, or my housemates, or teammates, or even my therapist.
My parents would tell me it's okay, and that I'm beautiful. My housemates would just laugh about the time that they ate an entire box of cookies in a week. My teammates don't know I have an ED. And my therapist would talk about how relapse is a part of recovery and ask my how I'm feeling.
The people I turn to are the friends I made on pro-ana websites. I know that there is a lot of hate regarding the pro-ana community. But I would like to argue that this community actually does a lot of good. Firstly, it is the best place for me to go for understanding. Everyone on these websites knows exactly what you're going through. They are the least judgmental people out there. They know exactly what to say to help you feel better.
People with eating disorders live every day with monsters inside of their heads. Never would we wish this torture on anyone. Movies such as "starving in suburbia" make it seem like the pro-ana community is full of people who try to convince others to stop eating. Personally, I have never seen any website like that. We also don't teach each other how to purge. Every day, I see postings made by young girls and boys who want to lose weight, and ask how to starve themselves, or how to purge. And every day, I see all these questions answered with statements such as "don't go down this road", "having an ED is terrible, don't do this", or "try seeing a therapist now, before you get sucked into this awful cycle".
The pro-ana community also provides one very important thing to all people struggling with eating disorders. Safety. Now this may not seem to make sense. But when you struggle with an eating disorder, you're engaging in unhealthy eating habits. One of these unhealthy habits is purging. I asked my doctor once about how to purge in the safest way possible. I know all the risks, and I am doing everything I can to reduce my purging. However, I'm not perfect. I don't expect to recover overnight. So when I do purge, it is important for me to know how to purge safely. Before I discovered the pro-ana community, I didn't know that brushing you teeth immediately after purging causes the acid to wear into your teeth. Or that using a toothbrush to purge increases the risk of choking. Of course, my doctor never told me these things. When I asked her about "purging safety" she looked at me and said, don't do it. Well it's not that easy.
I'm not saying the pro-ana community is perfect. Yes, sometimes it can be triggering. But it has honestly helped me through so many hard times, it's scary to think where I would be without it. Please open your minds before you judge a community you don't understand.

EDIT:
I have wrongly named this community. After spending a lot of time online, I realized that the support I was getting was from the eating disorder support community NOT the pro-ana community. The pro-ana community is quite different and actively encourages people to starve. What I am talking about here is the eating disorder support community.