drowning

My cat is purring beside me and it's the only thing holding me together right now.

I'm not suicidal, I'm just tired. Tired of being sick, tired of being behind, tired of always feeling inadequate.

I have tears in my eyes, but there stuck. Crying would provide me with relief, and my brain just isn't okay with that today.

"Missing you comes in waves. And tonight, I'm drowning."

But really, I'm always drowning.

Missing you and having BPD is just about the worst combination. I love you but can't be with you and am always so paranoid that you'll find someone else. We each have our lives, and I'm glad we're independent people, but I want our lives intertwined.

I wear your pj pants to bed, and hug your hat as if it's a stuffed animal, thinking somehow that will bring me closer to you.

It's so hard to breathe when you're drowning.

I miss him

I don't know what to say other than I miss him.

I used to never let myself get attached like this, never let me feel this way, blocked myself off from the world. But he's different.

He can make me smile on my worst days. I can't get that from anybody else. He can hold me and tell me everything will be okay in a way that I actually believe.

I want to spend the rest of my life with him.

I've never said that about anyone before. It's scary to say.



I got myself out of bed today, dressed and on campus so that I can have internet access. I have none until Tuesday. I'm getting out of work for the weekend so that I can go up to Kyle's mom's place and celebrate her husband's birthday. From there, I plan to go up to north to visit my dad, stepmom and two sisters.

My eating disorder is confused. I've lost a fair bit of appetite, so I've been non-intentionally restricting, but my brain wants to binge and purge, and yet food disgusts me at the moment. I also have a total of 8$ in my two bank accounts combined.

sleep

I thought that keeping busy would make everything okay.

It didn't

I don't have the mental energy to keep myself busy. I spent 36 hours in bed, either asleep or wishing he was with me. He told me his life goals shifted to make lots of money so that I can live in this city with you. I'm in love. I need to motivate myself to do the same. Work hard this summer and spend less money. Commit to treatment and actually try to get better.

I've lost my appetite since he left, and my ED is extremely happy. I don't know what to do. The number on the scale dropped and I can't say I'm upset.

I'm off to work soon and I need to eat. I'll have some hot chocolate and cereal and berries. And I'll pick up a clif bar on my way to work so I have something during my shift, I work 4-8 so right through dinner time. My job is also on my feet, walking and going door to door. I'll definitely need some food even if my appetite is gone.

Leaving on a jet plane

I just dropped my boyfriend off at the airport. His flight leaves in 35 minutes. I miss him already.

He's going on a wonderful adventure though. He's moving across the country for graduate school. I'm incredibly proud of him, but of course, also super upset.

I'm really mad at myself, because had I not been sick I would also be going to graduate school and moving across the country right now. But now I have 8 more months of school. I'll be done in December.

I move across the country in January, where I'll work for 8 months before beginning graduate school myself.

All I want to do is hide under blankets and cry. I don't want to see anyone or talk to anyone. I have group today. I doubt I'll go. I have work today. I doubt I'll go. I have gymnastics tonight. I doubt I'll go.

I don't have internet at my house right now either, so I'll probably end up watching DVDs. How old school. Speaking of school, I got a bad grade on my thesis. I still have some chance to increase the grade so I'll be working on that today. Summer school has started. Which means lots and lots of econ for me.

I'm busy, but I just want to drop everything and hide. I'm so done with this shit called life. But I also know that this is a feeling and that it will pass. I know that this is okay and it will better. And the next 8 months will hopefully fly by and I'll be on the West Coast soon. It's not okay now, but it will be. It will be.

Don't let the statistics tell you otherwise.

I never thought I'd find someone who cares about me like you do. Someone who will hold my hand and tell me everything will be okay when I felt as though the sky was falling. Someone willing to visit me when I'm locked inside a hospital room. Someone willing to talk to me, when all I could talk about is death.

They say that borderlines can't have successful relationships, that we're doomed for life. Well, I'm proving you wrong. I always believed in this myth, getting myself into destructive relationships, breaking up and getting back together time and time again, ending up hating and loving my partner simultaneously, making me feel as though my life is a tornado of emotions.

I found someone better. Someone who makes me believe that I can get my life back on track. Someone who makes me believe that I have a chance of making it in this world. Someone who believes in happiness and love.

I'm not going to lie and say that happy successful relationships are easy to obtain. They're hard. You need to work at it, and so does your partner. But it can work. It means having the hard conversations. Talking about the way you feel. Explaining what your disorder makes you believe and why you can't always function the way you would like to.

But it's possible.

You can find true love.

Don't let the statistics tell you otherwise.

Update

It's been a while since I've written, and let you know how I've been doing.

Things have been okay... well not really okay, but I've been getting by. My depression, impulsivity and dissociation as increased a fair bit over the past couple weeks.

I got a 60% on my real analysis (upper year math) test a couple weeks ago and it triggered a downward spiral. I stopped getting out of bed at the same time every day, stopped being consistent with my medication, let my eating disorder. I know having symptoms isn't my fault and that being sick isn't my fault, but at one point, it's my decision whether or not I decide to engage in self care. I wasn't filling in my CBT journal, so I was letting my thoughts go while and not reframing them. I wasn't tracking my eating patterns so I didn't know what to work on to improve them. I wasn't training effectively, so I got injured.

I know that getting a 60% on an upper year math course doesn't mean I'm stupid. It means I'm passing a fourth year math course. Which is tough to do. But I also need to accept reality. A 60% will not get me into grad school. I need to work my ass off to improve my marks. Which means focusing on school. School must be my first priority. That means I need to prioritize school over losing weight (as I mentioned in my last post).

My roommate is doing a lot better. She's no longer overdosing or hurting herself, and she overcame her restricting lapse. She's still struggling, but I no longer am worried about her all the time.

I have four tutoring clients right now, and quit my kitchen job. This is so much better for me than working in a kitchen ever was. I love tutoring and feel so good about helping others, while making money. It's enough to support me, and even get a bit of extra money (assuming I don't spend it all on binge food).

My boyfriend and I are still going strong. In fact, we had a few really good conversations, and things are better than ever. It's hard to think that he might be on the other side of the world next year, but we're taking things day by day, enjoying the time we have together.

Although the last few weeks have been tough, I really feel like I can turn things around. I started off sleeping in and not having my planned breakfast, but I've really turned things around. I'm at my desk, showered, studying and blogging, and heading off to tutor in five minutes.

I hope you're all doing well. I haven't been keeping up with you all with all my midterms, but after my last one tomorrow, I'll be sure to catch up on everything that I missed!

I love you all

Are relationships worth it?

I have a hard time with relationships, BPD can do that to you. It's hard to trust that someone loves you when all you've known is loved ones leaving.

I'm scared. I've been anxious lately and my boyfriend and I seem less connected then before. He got some bad news, and since then I just feel a disconnect. Like this disappointment has caused us to drift apart. I know he tends to isolate when the going gets tough, but I can't help but think that it's because he doesn't trust me to be supportive.

Sometimes I wonder if relationships are worth it. If I was single I wouldn't have these worries that my partner was going to leave me. I wouldn't be worried about being left alone. I wouldn't have this sinking feeling in my heart when he says he can't come over. Maybe if I was single all of this stress would go away.

But, I love him. I really do. And leaving him because of the way he copes would be ridiculous. There's nothing wrong with our relationship when I look at the facts. But why do I still have this sinking feeling in my heart?