It's hard to remember this sometimes.
The past few days have been tough. My best friend attempted suicide again. She told me shortly afyer her overdose and we went to the hospital and she's medically stable. She's going to be okay.
I have no doubt in her ability to fight these demons as she's one of the strongest women I know. But she doesnt know that right now.
Im doing my best to be a good support. But my past trauma with hospitals has been brought up in therapy recently and so flashbacks have been strong. She's still hooked up to machines and getting fluids so that repetitive beeping sound is loud when I visit her. I want to be there, to stay with her, but I get flashbacks so damn quickly and can't function myself.
I know I need to distance myself from the hospital for a bit. And my friend will be home today. But it makes me feel like an awful friend not being able to be there with her. I'm on my way to see her and drop off some stuff for her. I'm going to have to be assertive and tell her I need to go home, but it's such a hard thing to do. I'm no use to her though if mg flashbacks send me spiraling back into a pit of darkness.
Selasa, 11 Oktober 2016
Senin, 10 Oktober 2016
World mental health day Facebook post
Today is #worldmentalhealthawarenessday
Mental illnesses are life threatening conditions that have caused me and many others several hospitalizations, treatment programs and medications. What's even worse is that many individuals don't have access to treatment because of the stigma or lack of finances.
I'd like to take this opportunity to talk about medication. Below is a picture of the medication I have to take daily for my mental illness. Yes it's a lot. No it's not big pharma trying to take advantage of me. Finding the right medication has changed my life and this drug cocktail is what's keeping me alive.
I've seen many people talk about how exercise, healthy eating and all sorts of other things are natural anti-depressants. And this can be true to some extent. But when there is a chemical imbalance in your brain, you need medication that will help fix that imbalance.
I'd like to thank everyone who's stuck by me over the past three years of hospitalizations, relapses, ups and downs. It hasn't been an easy three years, but I'm glad I'm still here to talk about it. I personally suffer from borderline personality disorder, bulimia, depression and anxiety. If you have an questions about any of these illnesses or my experience with them please ask.
Money part 2
So .. I spent more money. Oops.
Is it an oops though? I bought two bras that actually fit - something I haven't had since the start of my eating disorder, and hence since the beginning of my bra wearing experience. My weight fluctuations have always been too drastic to buy proper fitting bras. I went to Victoria's secret and finally got measured after years of guessing my bra size.
I now have two bras that fit, and three that are close to fitting - old bras that are close to my current size.
I also bought socks. With winter coming I desperately needed socks. Should I feel guilty for all this shopping? I feel almost out of control. I guess I'm going to have to get back in control because I only havr two dollars left in my bank account.
Is it an oops though? I bought two bras that actually fit - something I haven't had since the start of my eating disorder, and hence since the beginning of my bra wearing experience. My weight fluctuations have always been too drastic to buy proper fitting bras. I went to Victoria's secret and finally got measured after years of guessing my bra size.
I now have two bras that fit, and three that are close to fitting - old bras that are close to my current size.
I also bought socks. With winter coming I desperately needed socks. Should I feel guilty for all this shopping? I feel almost out of control. I guess I'm going to have to get back in control because I only havr two dollars left in my bank account.
Sabtu, 08 Oktober 2016
Money
I finally have some!
... well not really, my tuition isn't fully paid. But my student loans finally arrive so I feel less stressed about my financial situation.
Of course, being the irresponsible little shit I am, I went out shopping. I didn't do too much damage; $100 spent at the nutrition store (which included a huge container of protein powder), $40 spent on new running shoes (which were desperately needed), and $30 spent on things for my cat.
It was nice to get a bit of retail therapy in, especially when I was buying things that were between wants and needs. I don't need protein powder, but I need food. I don't need a scratching post for Prozac, but I do need a box spring that isn't ruined. And, I don't need new shoes, but I need to stop getting injured.
It's the start of my reading week - which means the start of 11 whole days of unstructured time. I'm worried about the binging and purging increasing but I'm hoping I can keep myself in check with exercise, studying and relaxing. I want to re-read all the Harry Potter books over the next 11 days. I have a few letters to write, some to my pen-pals, some to the government.
To all the Canadians out there - happy Thanksgiving weekend! I hope the food and family situation doesn't get you too stressed out.
... well not really, my tuition isn't fully paid. But my student loans finally arrive so I feel less stressed about my financial situation.
Of course, being the irresponsible little shit I am, I went out shopping. I didn't do too much damage; $100 spent at the nutrition store (which included a huge container of protein powder), $40 spent on new running shoes (which were desperately needed), and $30 spent on things for my cat.
It was nice to get a bit of retail therapy in, especially when I was buying things that were between wants and needs. I don't need protein powder, but I need food. I don't need a scratching post for Prozac, but I do need a box spring that isn't ruined. And, I don't need new shoes, but I need to stop getting injured.
It's the start of my reading week - which means the start of 11 whole days of unstructured time. I'm worried about the binging and purging increasing but I'm hoping I can keep myself in check with exercise, studying and relaxing. I want to re-read all the Harry Potter books over the next 11 days. I have a few letters to write, some to my pen-pals, some to the government.
To all the Canadians out there - happy Thanksgiving weekend! I hope the food and family situation doesn't get you too stressed out.
Kamis, 06 Oktober 2016
New therapist
I had my first session with my new therapist yesterday and it went incredibly well. I have to say, we did a lot more than I expected us to and actually made some treatment plans.
His way of treating bulimia isn't the typical eating disorder treatment method. He goes by harm reduction and treating the binge eating. If I can stop the binge eating the cycle will stop. He's okay with me cutting certain foods out of my life because all I do is binge on them. Having some of my roommates food locked away because I tend to steal it is okay.
If I never eat chocolate again, that would be okay. It wouldn't be good, but it would be okay. If I binge and purge on chocolate for the rest of my life that wouldn't be okay.
Right now I have what he calls bad problems. Let's replace them with something else. If what we replace them with becomes another problem we'll deal with that then. But the idea is changing the destructive behaviours into less destructive behaviours.
He's very supportive of me using my gymnastics as motivation and turning towards healthy eating and exercise as a way for me to overcome my bulimia, which I'm very excited about. It seems more realistic to me than dropping gymnastics, and eating fear foods all the time.
We'll see how it goes, but it's off to a good start.
His way of treating bulimia isn't the typical eating disorder treatment method. He goes by harm reduction and treating the binge eating. If I can stop the binge eating the cycle will stop. He's okay with me cutting certain foods out of my life because all I do is binge on them. Having some of my roommates food locked away because I tend to steal it is okay.
If I never eat chocolate again, that would be okay. It wouldn't be good, but it would be okay. If I binge and purge on chocolate for the rest of my life that wouldn't be okay.
Right now I have what he calls bad problems. Let's replace them with something else. If what we replace them with becomes another problem we'll deal with that then. But the idea is changing the destructive behaviours into less destructive behaviours.
He's very supportive of me using my gymnastics as motivation and turning towards healthy eating and exercise as a way for me to overcome my bulimia, which I'm very excited about. It seems more realistic to me than dropping gymnastics, and eating fear foods all the time.
We'll see how it goes, but it's off to a good start.
Rabu, 05 Oktober 2016
Fitbit-orexia
Fitbits have gone from being something athlete's wear in order to specialize their training and diets, to a fashion accessory that everyone - from my slightly active family members, to my therapist - are wearing.
But why?
In most cases, calorie counting is the wrong way to go about dieting. Healthy eating choices, being aware of hunger cues and moderate exercise is the current recommended method to lose weight (if weight loss is needed). It seems that individuals at their set point weights are trying to lose more weight in order to be thin, thinking that thin is synonymous with health.
Thin and healthy are very different things. In fact, many elite athletes are less 'healthy' than a moderately active individual, due to the strain they put on their body to be at the top of their sport. Looking up to fitness models as inspiration is not the same as looking up to health. Trying to sculpt out a specific body type is actually quite destructive, leading to poor body image.
What do Fitbits have to do with this?
Many behaviors of those who use Fitbits are similar to eating disorder symptoms. These include:
- Calorie counting
- Tracking food intake
- Tracking exercise
- Over exercising
- Restricting food intake
- Making up for overeating with excessive exercise
- Having weight loss competitions
We've been tricked by marketing companies that these are good behaviors That these behaviors make us stronger and healthier. They don't. They encourage disordered eating patterns. These behaviors can trigger eating disorders in those who are genetically pre-dispositioned.
There's also the issue of trusting these little devices. Many get very attached to the number they see on their Fitibit. Whether it be how many calories they burned, how many calories they ate, or how many steps they took. How do you know that this is accurate? Waving your arm around makes the device think you took more steps.
When it comes to fitbits, my first thought is of how destructive they can be. I see why they would be helpful in some situations, but I don't think that's the general case. I especially don't think that fitbit competitions should be a part of the system.
If you're planning on getting a fitbit, make sure you're doing it for the right reasons, and that you don't start sliding down a very slippery slope.
When it comes to fitbits, my first thought is of how destructive they can be. I see why they would be helpful in some situations, but I don't think that's the general case. I especially don't think that fitbit competitions should be a part of the system.
If you're planning on getting a fitbit, make sure you're doing it for the right reasons, and that you don't start sliding down a very slippery slope.
Minggu, 02 Oktober 2016
Promises
It hurts to know that I can't promise you my existence. That I can't look you in the eye, and guarantee that I'll never self destruct again. It hurts to know that you have to worry about this.
If I were me all the time, you'd have nothing to worry about, because when I am me I know that the storm will pass and the rainbow will appear. It's the demon, the dark ghost haunting my lungs, suffocating me from the inside out tearing at my throat letting go only when my head is in the toilet.
She always comes back after, catching me from behind, yanking my arms and pulling me back into hell. She starts to whisper. Quietly at first. Hinting towards my razor blade. I lock myself in the safety of my room but demons can pass through closed doors. I cling to my bed but the force is too much. I start to hear screams. And next thing I know I find myself paralyzed in the shower, red stained water flowing down the drain.
I hide. You can't see blood stains on my dark purple blanket so I curl up inside. I worry, because the next time you see me, you'll see more darkness than I wish. You'll see the scars the demon has left.
It hurts me. It hurts to see your face when you see my thighs, the sadness in your eyes when you look up and ask me when it happened. It hurts to feel the lump in your heart as you hold me so closely acting strong just for me.
Some tv show is being played on my computer in the hopes that my speakers are louder than her voice. Her voice is meaner today. She's yelling at me from behind the walls and no one else can hear her but I swear that she's their please believe me. I start to get angry and decide that today's the day, the day that the demon lives no more. I'm not myself anymore. I'm a murderer. My only goal is make the demon suffer the same way she made me suffer. I drown her in acetaminophen.
I wake up. I'm myself again and realize that the demon is within me and that I've poisoned myself. I lay in a different bed with needles in my arms. I watch as people come in and out. I get asked questions and I try to explain that I didn't want to hurt myself I wanted to hurt the demon, but they don't understand. They don't believe in what they can't see or hear. I succumb the thoughts of the demon and fall asleep.
I wake up in another new bed in a locked ward. I'm me again and I'm relieved. I'm safe here. The demon can't catch me. Several days pass and she doesn't come to get me so they let me go home.
It hurts. It hurts to see the fear in your eyes when I head back to my bed, the bed where she first attacked. It hurts that I'd be lying if I said I had control over her. It hurts that I can't promise you my existence.
If I were me all the time, you'd have nothing to worry about, because when I am me I know that the storm will pass and the rainbow will appear. It's the demon, the dark ghost haunting my lungs, suffocating me from the inside out tearing at my throat letting go only when my head is in the toilet.
She always comes back after, catching me from behind, yanking my arms and pulling me back into hell. She starts to whisper. Quietly at first. Hinting towards my razor blade. I lock myself in the safety of my room but demons can pass through closed doors. I cling to my bed but the force is too much. I start to hear screams. And next thing I know I find myself paralyzed in the shower, red stained water flowing down the drain.
I hide. You can't see blood stains on my dark purple blanket so I curl up inside. I worry, because the next time you see me, you'll see more darkness than I wish. You'll see the scars the demon has left.
It hurts me. It hurts to see your face when you see my thighs, the sadness in your eyes when you look up and ask me when it happened. It hurts to feel the lump in your heart as you hold me so closely acting strong just for me.
Some tv show is being played on my computer in the hopes that my speakers are louder than her voice. Her voice is meaner today. She's yelling at me from behind the walls and no one else can hear her but I swear that she's their please believe me. I start to get angry and decide that today's the day, the day that the demon lives no more. I'm not myself anymore. I'm a murderer. My only goal is make the demon suffer the same way she made me suffer. I drown her in acetaminophen.
I wake up. I'm myself again and realize that the demon is within me and that I've poisoned myself. I lay in a different bed with needles in my arms. I watch as people come in and out. I get asked questions and I try to explain that I didn't want to hurt myself I wanted to hurt the demon, but they don't understand. They don't believe in what they can't see or hear. I succumb the thoughts of the demon and fall asleep.
I wake up in another new bed in a locked ward. I'm me again and I'm relieved. I'm safe here. The demon can't catch me. Several days pass and she doesn't come to get me so they let me go home.
It hurts. It hurts to see the fear in your eyes when I head back to my bed, the bed where she first attacked. It hurts that I'd be lying if I said I had control over her. It hurts that I can't promise you my existence.
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