Reset: day 1

I fucked up. I binged and purged on non vegan food. I didn't want to post earlier because I was embarrassed, but I like being honest and open with you guys because I think it makes me more relatable. Changing your diet, especially when you have an eating disorder is HARD. When you're go-to cheap binge foods aren't vegan, and you're upset and impulsive, it's close to impossible to find vegan foods, especially when you're just starting this journey.

I'm going to start keeping a list of vegan binge foods which are easy to find and not too expensive. I'm not doing this to encourage binging, but as a way to help myself stick to my principles when I binge. I am hoping to recover this year (that's the goal of 2017!!) but I can't expect to be perfect as of today, and the selfhatred will be lower if I can stick to veganism while binging.

I have restarted my 30 days of veganism journey.

Yesterday I had:
Oatmeal, chia seeds, Arbonne protein powder, raspberries
Sweet potato, cucumber hummus, olive oil
Vegetable rolls
Frozen raspberries
Vietnamese sweet and sour veggie soup

Today is off to a good start. My eating disorder is yelling at me to binge and purge, but I think I'm going to get a bit of dark chocolate to soothe the cravings instead of giving in.

day 2

Day two was a bit tougher due to binge urges. I ended up binging and purging but managed to stay vegan! It wasn't the binge food I wanted so my binge ended up being smaller and less intense then I was hoping but I know that's a good thing.


Breakfast: oats with chocolate stevia
Snack: way too much candy
Lunch: veg sushi, crackers and hummus
Binge/purge
Snack: apple and cranberry juice

Bulimia shopping

Last night, as I was picking up some (vegan) candy to snack on while going back to the hospital, I saw a girl anxiously pacing through the store.

She had picked up two cold drinks from Tim Hortons, plus chocolate, arrowroot cookies and a bottle of water.

As she was leaving I saw her spit some of her drink into the trash.

It just screamed bulimia. Maybe I look for it because of my illness. She could have been picking up food for a friend. She could have gum in her mouth that she was spitting out. But I got the feeling that she was bulimic.

I wanted to approach her and tell her to be safe, and that it would be okay, but I know if someone did that to me while binge shopping I would be very upset. I just felt an odd connection with this stranger, like we understood each other. I didn't say anything, and I know that's for the best.

But it did get me wondering, who notices me when I'm binge shopping? What do they think of me? Have other bulimics seen me and thought the same way?

Day one

I am embarking on a veganism journey. I've been vegetarian for years, and have been tempted to try veganism but never committed. I have decided to commit for thirty days, and see what happens. It only takes 21 days to form a habit, so I'm hoping that by the end of the thirty days I'll have adjusted to the vegan lifestyle, and be able to continue going forward.

Today I ate:

Breakfast: oats with almonds

Lunch: 3 clif bars on the run

Dinner: Mixed veg, 2 vegan burger patties

Desert/Snack: Salted caramel vegan frozen yogurt, clif bar


I've been running around a lot today; still living at the hospital but being able to go to class, so a had to grab a handful of clif bars to get me through the day. I'm super thankful that they're vegan.

Housing

I don't want to go into too much detail because it will do nothing but upset me.

Since this last hospitalization of mine, things have started to get rough between my roommate and I. The communication between us was quite poor and it lead to some arguments. Thankfully, neither of us are confrontational so there was no yelling or screaming involved, but some very upsetting things were said.

The thing that got to me the most was when my friend said she felt as though I wasn't trying. I'm trying my ass off. I'm not in the hospital to dick around. I'm here to get better. To be safe. If I didn't want to get better I'd be overdosing a lot more, skipping class, binging and purging all the time, and I would have checked myself out of the hospital a long time ago. As much as I want to die, part of me doesn't, and that part of me is working so damn hard to try to get better.

Because of this, my roommate and I have decided to get different houses (well, I decided this and I don't know how much it's affecting her). She hasn't replied to my messages which worries me, I don't want this to be personal, I just think it would be better if we lived apart.

I really wish I could afford to live alone. That's the dream. I'm hoping once I move across the country for graduate school I'll be able to live alone. That means 10 more months of undergrad, paying cheap rent, living with a roommate in order to save up enough money to live alone in 2018. I get a lot of anxiety living with other people, especially with regards to food. The idea that someone else knows exactly what I'm eating makes me feel judged. It makes only my bedroom a safe place, instead of having my entire house be a safe place. I feel as though I need to wear a mask even in my own house.

I'm just hoping I'm able to get my own apartment next year. That's the goal. I need to save my money - which means less binging and purging - in order to have the finances to do so.

Weekend pass

I'm out!!
Well, just for the weekend, but that's a start. If this weekend goes well I'm hoping to get discharged at the end of next week.

My plans for this weekend are pretty boring - studying, studying and more studying...

... except for tonight. Tonight I'm going to my friends, switching out our belly button piercings, re-piercing my nose and having a couple drinks. Probably all with Grey's Anatomy playing in the background.

I'm just so looking forward to getting out and sleeping in my own bed.

existential crisis, piercings and tattoo

Things are looking up, Finally.

My therapist poked a hole in my existential crisis logic today. My logic was as follows;

We're all going to die. The human race will die. The earth will get engulfed by the sun. What is the point? In the grand scheme of things it doesn't matter. Why bother?

He answered me as follows:
Do you watch movies? Or do you skip them because you know their going to end. In the grand scheme of things it doesn't matter?

He's right. I enjoy movies even though there's no point in the end. We do lots of things that have no point in the end. But we still do them. And we should do life.


In other news I got my belly button pierced today! And no, I'm not at my UGW, and today I decided that that didn't matter. I don't need to be a certain weight to get pierced.

I have updated my tattoo design, which I will hopefully be getting next weekend as long as my discharge goes as planned. The lotus flower represents how I've risen from my eating disorder (neda symbol) and my stepmom's passing (star).