Assumptions

I went to a restaurant for dinner tonight with my boyfriend. I ordered a quesadilla with fries and he ordered a chicken salad. When the server came to give us our food, she automatically assumed that I ordered the salad.

Why is this assumption made? Must the skinny girl always order a salad? The girl orders a cute little salad and the man orders whatever the fuck he wants?

This shouldn't bother me this much. But I felt so guilty already for ordering what I did, but I knew I needed the calories. She really triggered more of those feelings of guilt and I swear I could see her judging me as I ordered all this fatty food with a diet pepsi.

I wish people would stop making assumptions. This extends beyond waitresses assuming women order salads.

This applies to people assuming that I restrict when what I struggle with most is binging. People hear I have an eating disorder and assume I have anorexia. I got asked by my grandma if I was comfortable having a slice of pie. Yes, I'd be comfortable eating the entire pie if I could purge it.

This applies to people thinking I can't struggle with mental illness because I don't look sick. To people assuming I'm too smart to have an eating disorder. To people assuming that I get by on my looks or that I'm stupid because I have pink hair.

I wish there was just more acceptance and less stereotypes.

August 30th - Grocery haul

Large grocery haul last night.
Skim milk and fat free vanilla creamer for lattes
Peanut butter and chocolate chips for peanut butter balls
Egg whites, pretzels and greens for my lunches
Yogurt to have with berries
And apples to snack on

I plan on starting my new meal plan tomorrow. Which me luck!!

Food plan

I figured out a food plan for this upcoming year, now I just need to stick to it.

Could I get some feedback? I'm going to be working out twice a day almost 5 days a week, so I want to make sure I'm getting enough food. I want to do this right.

Food

I haven't purged since I've been at my grandma's and I'm really really happy about that, but today for breakfast I had a big waffle, and I had four cookies at lunch so I'm basically a whale and there's going to be pie at desert.

"Discipline is choosing what you want most over what you want now"

What I want most is to be a mathematician. Not a bulimic, but a mathematician.

What I want now is to purge my guts out, then binge then purge again.


But I need to chose what I want most. What I want most is to be a mathematician. And I can't do that if I'm wasting time and mental energy purging, and letting my brain waste away from undernourishment.

It's okay to indulge every so often, especially when you're on vacation celebrating with family. I haven't gained any weight since I've been here, and I can't gain 10 pounds overnight. Everything will be okay.

I'm using my delay skill right now to help me through the day. I'm delaying destructive behaviors. I'm telling myself that I can fast tomorrow if I want to. Hopefully tomorrow I won't want to fast, and I'll be refreshed and ready to fight again.

Schedule

I start work on Tuesday, and school the Tuesday after. It feels good to finally have a schedule in place. I make a study schedule - I don't always follow it but it helps me feel in control and calm all those feelings of inadequacy. I have times to study and I just have to follow it and everything will be okay. It will. This year will be good. It has to be. I have everything to lose.

Fingers

Finger 1 started in year 1 of high school when I ate five chocolate bars and tried to throw up. Finger 1 tried and tried and tried but it wasn't until ear 1 of university in the midst of a panic attack was finger one successful at letting me purge. As I purged more and more using finger 1 my gag reflex lessened as quickly as my mood. Soon finger 1 was all I was living for and when I realized that I was no longer in control of finger 1 and that finger 1 was in control of me it felt like I had nothing to live for. 

After botched attempts to kill the demon I started using finger 2 because maybe I had control of finger 2. It was year 2 of university and finger 2 helped with my lessening gag reflex and allowed me to empty more and more. You can't be happy on a malnourished brain and the depression got worse and there were many more attempts to kill the demon. There stopped being a purpose to life.

I made it to year 3 of university though and that's when finger 3 came into play, because my gag reflex no longer worked with just finger 2. As I started using finger 3 more and more it became evident that my past was haunting me. Nightmares triggering the use of finger 3 which triggered the nightmares ended up being an endless cycle. 

But year 4 of university will break the cycle. Year 4 will be the year I use fingers 1, 2 and 3 positively. On finger 1 I'll tattoo the eating disorder recovery symbol, representing the start of it all. On finger 2 I'll tattoo a semi colon, for the life I wanted to end but didn't. On finger 3 I'll tattoo a star, so that my past can be with me, not haunting me. 

Fingers 1, 2 and 3 will be strength and no longer my weakness. 

Successful dinner out

So, math camp is over and I already miss it. That probably seems strange to you, but math really is something I'm really passionate about and I met some of the most amazing women there.

There was a dinner last night, and I didn't want to go because eating food in front of a lot of people is not my forte, but one of the girls (who had a history of eating problems) said she'd support me and that I could sit at the same table as her.

Her table just happened to be the table with the professor I would like as my master's supervisor, so I was thrilled. I got through dinner, I have no idea how many calories I consumed, I didn't purge and it was amazing. We talked about all sorts of things, from relationships to disabilities to religion. It was fantastic. We really had similar views and a matching personality, so now I just need to work hard enough to get in to the school for my masters!

Today so far hasn't been great. I had a presentation to do, and it went well (without ativan!) but I did purge twice already this morning.. that is all I've eaten today. I'm now on my way to see family so I'm really going to push myself to enjoy a lovely dinner with them, and choose food I'm comfortable keeping down.