2017 goals

I'm setting goals instead of resolutions this year. It seems more realistic. If I mess up one day, the next day will come and I can try again. This isn't an all or nothing situation, it's about progress and becoming a better person, as supposed to being a better person over night. 

Academic goals

1. Straight As
2. Apply for graduate school
3. Complete thesis

Lifestyle goals

1. Go to the gym 5x a week
2. Keep consistent sleep schedule
3. Drink at most once per month
4. Keep room clean

Eating related goals

1. Quit purging
2. Lose 10lbs
3. Maintain new weight
4. Eat consistently
5. Quit purging

Other goals

1. Perform slam poetry at an open mic
2. Get involved in volunteering over the summer
3. Visit family more

Bring it on 2017

Last year's resolutions

These were last year's resolutions:

Health:

• Reduce binging and purging to once a week
• Did not achieve this goal but my binging and purging has reduced a lot since last year, so I am proud of my progress, and look forward to achieving this goal in 2017.
• Journal and continue addiction treatment
• Due to hallucinations, my treatment took a a turn and the focus was taken off of addiction work. Again, I hope that with my new meds I am able to go back to journaling and addiction treatment
• Go to group every week
• My group got cancelled but I managed to find other groups and went almost every week. Definite success with this resolution
• No overdoses
• Oops. 

Personal: 

• Don't let mental illness ruin my relationship
• SUCCESS
• Pay back my debts, or at least don't get into more debt
• SUCCESS

Education: 

• Get straight A+ in courses
• lol.... it was one of the worst years for me academically
•  Get a good summer job
• Unfortunately due to the bad academic standing this past year I was not able to get a good summer job, and ended up at a dead end job that worsened my mental health
• Present my research at the Canadian Undergraduate Mathematical Conference
• Did not have the time to get ready for this event, or have the money to go. But I did go to a two week intensive math summer school which I went to instead of this conference
• Write my GRE
• I'll be writing one in February 2017, and one in April 2017

Best of 2016

2016 has been a shit year for many, including myself. But great writing tends to emerge during difficult times. Here are what I consider to be my top 15 pieces from 2016.

15. reflections from the hospital


14. Days Weeks Months Years


13. Why they need to get rid of atypical anorexia


12. To the girl who thinks she's smarter than this


11. #eatittobeatit


10. This one's for the girl


9. My depression is ugly


8. Faking perfection


7. Thinspo: video (no images, don't worry)


6. How to help a suicidal friend


5. Orthorexia


4. 7 things I want you to know as you're staring into the toilet bowl


3. A week with borderline personality disorder


2. Counting down (link to buy my poetry book, one of my greatest accomplishments so far)


1. Cat pictures (because my cat is the best thing that has happened to me this year)

Vacation

I'm on vacation with the boyfriend for a few days. I feel so old being able to take a trip with my boyfriend. Just being free to do whatever we'd like. What we like to do is math, so our trip may not seem the most exciting to outsiders, but we're having the time of our lives.

It's so nice to be out of our home environments. We're going to go for a long walk by the water today and I'm very excited. I'm trying not to care about what I'm eating - I'm on vacation and deserve to relax - but it's never as easy as it sounds. At least this long walk will burn some calories and put to rest some of my destructive thoughts.

I have a few new poems coming out in the new year, they're just in the final editing stage.

Hope your all having lovely holidays.

To the crisis workers

Christmas Eve ended up being incredibly tough for me.

After plugging away and getting through the day I started feeling incredibly sad that I was going to be alone on Christmas. Incredibly sad that I was too sick to go home. Just, incredibly sad.

Around two I checked the bus schedule to see if I could get up north to see my dad. It was too late.

I started drinking at 4. By six I was sad and drunk - not a good combination for me.

I didn't want to do it, but I took sleeping pills, too many sleeping pills. I called our crisis line and they sent down an ambulance and a few police officers who specialize in mental health.

I got in and out very quickly.

I don't remember much. I remember asking the paramedic why so many people were there. I remember telling someone I didn't want to see psych. I remember drinking an orange ensure (which tasted like a creamscicle).

I don't remember sending the incoherent messages to my boyfriend. I don't remember getting to and from the hospital. I don't remember taking a picture of my IV and posting it on instagram.

The scary thing, is that slip up is making it so much more tempting to go back and OD again. But I know I can't do that. I need to surround myself with love and support. I can't let this depression win.


So, to the crisis workers that worked Christmas Eve, thank you for keeping me safe.

Keeping busy

I find one of the most difficult things about the holidays is keeping myself busy. If I don't the thoughts just wander every which way, and that's when I get into trouble.

So I made a plan. A plan of what I'm going to do today.

I'm starting off by going to the gym, then I'll pick up my books and notebooks for next term, pick up some litter, book a doctors appointment and head back home.
After a shower, I'm going to head to the hospital to see a friend, and pick up his keys and go check on his cat.
This busy morning will end with a big bowl of cookies and creme oats loaded with fruit.
This afternoon I plan to make a Greek couscous salad, and start working on my first few assignments for the new term, as well as on my thesis.
Then it's time to knit, drink and watch Gilmore Girls all evening.

With borderline I get very impulsive. Not only do the dark thoughts roll in, but I start thinking about binging and purging, or spending all my money on things I don't need. My plan helps me. I have things to do, places to go and people to see. Getting outside helps fight the seasonal affective disorder, and being busy stops the impulsive and dark thoughts from getting in.

To those of you who still have exams, good luck!

Suicide jokes

I've headed up north to spend some time at my boyfriend's place for the holidays. I went to a big family gathering last night, and it was tough.

One of the first things that was said to me was a joke about slitting my wrists.

I'm quite guilty when it comes to making jokes about mental health. But I always do it when only with a receptive audience. My best friend and I will kid about our mental health a lot, because we both suffer from very similar mental illnesses and dark humor is one of our favorite coping strategies. I'd never make jokes to others though. You don't know what others are going through. And because of that, you should never make jokes unless you know it's okay with that person.