Psychiatry appointment

I'm taking on a lot of challenges this term. I'm taking a full course load (programming, algebra, combinatorics, cryptography and finishing my thesis) as well as tutoring and doing an eating disorder recovery group.

I know that this is a lot to take on. But I'm being optimistic. I truly believe that I can do this. Keeping busy has always been helpful for me, and I want to try getting myself ready for graduate school, where I'll be even more busy than I am now.

My psychiatrist was not on board with this plan. She flat out told me she didn't think I could do it and that I should drop classes immediately.  This really upset me. I know I'm taking on a lot. And the reminder that I can drop classes and put my mental health first is always welcoming. However, I was really hoping that she would be more supportive. Congratulate me for trying. I haven't been this motivate in quite a long time and having her crush that with thoughts of failure was really disappointing.

I mentioned my anxiety being very high lately, and she said we could consider putting me on Lyrica. I'm usually all for trying new medication, but my current medication regime has helped a lot, and I don't want to mess it up. Additionally, she said that this medication can cause drowsiness lingering into the day even if taken at night, and that is just about the last thing I need right now. I'm not struggling with over sleeping as much as I was at the end of last year, but it is still a struggle, and I don't want to do anything that would make that worse. If anyone has any experience with Lyrica please let me know!

Update

One if my goals for 2017 was to blog and journal more, which I have so far failed to do. It's the beginning of the term, but it's crunch time when it comes to my thesis. I only have a month to get my rough draft finished.
I really enjoy working on it. It can be a pain when I have to do it, and it's starting to feel overwhelming but it is enjoyable, and that's how you know you're doing something you love.

Bulimia wise, I'm doing okay. I've made a new meal plan that has over 2000 calories to support my intense training. I know it's still not enough to support the amount of training I'm doing, but binge urges have gone way down since starting this meal plan.

Today so far I've had:
A white chocolate mocha (homemade) (90)
Protein oats (460)
Boost (240)
Cereal (400)
Smoked butterscotch latte from Starbucks (300)

I'm going to have a massive salad for dinner. Today is rest day with regards to exercise so I have a lighter intake.

Food laws

I won food today. I was doing a lot better at the end of November and beginning of December but lapsed over the holidays. Today was awesome though.
Breakfast: 1c cereal, 1/2c almond milk
Lunch: spinach feta wrap and two source yogurts
Dinner: ginger sesame salad, two protein bars

No binging. No purging.

I've been really struggling lately with the new law in Ontario where every chain restaurant has to have their calories posted in their menu. I had a melt down yesterday over hot chocolate while skating. This law is bullshit. I've gotten into Facebook arguements about it, which have dine nothing but anger me. I've signed petitions that have so far done no good.

I'm sick of being triggered just by living.
How is someone supposed to get better in a society like this?

Family time

My dad and two siblings on his side of the family have come down to visit me.

The house is insane. I live in a little basement apartment with a roommate and now three more people have come in. I'm a bit worried about them staying here. Usually when I'm with family I have a room I can escape to. But this time my family has taken over my room and I'm sleeping in the living room. So I have no privacy for the next few days.

I'm not sure how well I'll cope. When family visits me I have the luxury of having my nights alone to decompress. To have some alone time to watch Netflix and sleep. I don't have that luxury now. I can't even take my afternoon nap.

They're here for two full days, and it's day one of the two. I can do this. I have to do this.


In other news, I didn't have lunch at Tims with my family. It's a law in Ontario that all the calories are posted beside the food items at restaurants with over 20 locations. It's awful. I need to know the calories in what I eat, but when it's pasted up on a board I feel as though it's being yelled at me, shaming me for having food. I get paranoid that others are adding up the calories in my order. I like looking at the calories before hand, in private.

I came home and ate lunch but it's very frustrating to not be able to take part in eating lunch with my family.

2017 goals

I'm setting goals instead of resolutions this year. It seems more realistic. If I mess up one day, the next day will come and I can try again. This isn't an all or nothing situation, it's about progress and becoming a better person, as supposed to being a better person over night. 

Academic goals

1. Straight As
2. Apply for graduate school
3. Complete thesis

Lifestyle goals

1. Go to the gym 5x a week
2. Keep consistent sleep schedule
3. Drink at most once per month
4. Keep room clean

Eating related goals

1. Quit purging
2. Lose 10lbs
3. Maintain new weight
4. Eat consistently
5. Quit purging

Other goals

1. Perform slam poetry at an open mic
2. Get involved in volunteering over the summer
3. Visit family more

Bring it on 2017

Last year's resolutions

These were last year's resolutions:

Health:

• Reduce binging and purging to once a week
• Did not achieve this goal but my binging and purging has reduced a lot since last year, so I am proud of my progress, and look forward to achieving this goal in 2017.
• Journal and continue addiction treatment
• Due to hallucinations, my treatment took a a turn and the focus was taken off of addiction work. Again, I hope that with my new meds I am able to go back to journaling and addiction treatment
• Go to group every week
• My group got cancelled but I managed to find other groups and went almost every week. Definite success with this resolution
• No overdoses
• Oops. 

Personal: 

• Don't let mental illness ruin my relationship
• SUCCESS
• Pay back my debts, or at least don't get into more debt
• SUCCESS

Education: 

• Get straight A+ in courses
• lol.... it was one of the worst years for me academically
•  Get a good summer job
• Unfortunately due to the bad academic standing this past year I was not able to get a good summer job, and ended up at a dead end job that worsened my mental health
• Present my research at the Canadian Undergraduate Mathematical Conference
• Did not have the time to get ready for this event, or have the money to go. But I did go to a two week intensive math summer school which I went to instead of this conference
• Write my GRE
• I'll be writing one in February 2017, and one in April 2017

Best of 2016

2016 has been a shit year for many, including myself. But great writing tends to emerge during difficult times. Here are what I consider to be my top 15 pieces from 2016.

15. reflections from the hospital


14. Days Weeks Months Years


13. Why they need to get rid of atypical anorexia


12. To the girl who thinks she's smarter than this


11. #eatittobeatit


10. This one's for the girl


9. My depression is ugly


8. Faking perfection


7. Thinspo: video (no images, don't worry)


6. How to help a suicidal friend


5. Orthorexia


4. 7 things I want you to know as you're staring into the toilet bowl


3. A week with borderline personality disorder


2. Counting down (link to buy my poetry book, one of my greatest accomplishments so far)


1. Cat pictures (because my cat is the best thing that has happened to me this year)