drowning

My cat is purring beside me and it's the only thing holding me together right now.

I'm not suicidal, I'm just tired. Tired of being sick, tired of being behind, tired of always feeling inadequate.

I have tears in my eyes, but there stuck. Crying would provide me with relief, and my brain just isn't okay with that today.

"Missing you comes in waves. And tonight, I'm drowning."

But really, I'm always drowning.

Missing you and having BPD is just about the worst combination. I love you but can't be with you and am always so paranoid that you'll find someone else. We each have our lives, and I'm glad we're independent people, but I want our lives intertwined.

I wear your pj pants to bed, and hug your hat as if it's a stuffed animal, thinking somehow that will bring me closer to you.

It's so hard to breathe when you're drowning.

Food, work, life

I'm obsessed with the show Scandal, and have been binge watching it instead of studying.

I had a midterm yesterday and I completely winged it and I think it went okay. I do need to get my act together though, as I need these grades to get into graduate school.

I had a chat with one of my best friends yesterday, and we started talking about the future. About potentially marrying our current boyfriends. About going to graduate school in the area our boyfriends are. I'm lucky - I knew I wanted to go out west before my boyfriend decided to go out west, so it really works out for both of us. But what if it didn't? I never thought I'd be the type to follow a boy around but maybe I am. I'm only twenty, I know this might be too much to think about at my age. But in five years, it won't be. And five years isn't very long.

I made some sweet potato homefries today for lunch. They were delicious but had so much oil. I'm panicking over the amount of oil, but have convinced myself not to purge. I know I don't need to. I know that I'm better than this.

I work tonight, and I have to say, so far I like my job. I have a few issues with the company, but I'm sorting it out and going to talk to them. I like the fresh air, and how it forces me to get out of the house and interact with people. Even if the interaction is them slamming the door in my face. I find that as long as I don't get too attached, I really enjoy it.

I don't know what to do with food though regarding my job. I work 4pm-8pm. Which means I need to eat dinner at 3pm or 9pm. I don't get a break, but could always stop for two minutes and shovel a granola bar down my throat or something. But that's not really what I want to do. And it seems to throw off my schedule for the week.

I spent more money on my stepdad's credit card yesterday grocery shopping. I really need my government loan to come in so that I can pay him back and stop feeling guilty. The guilty feelings are leading to more impulse shopping which just worsens the situation.

Family time

When you have an eating disorder, family gatherings can be tough. I went up north for my boyfriend's stepdad's birthday. The weird part though, was that my boyfriend wasn't there. He's accross the country at school.

I managed though. I snacked on fruits, veg and crackers with hummus. It was a drop in event so there was no big sit down dinner which helped. I also had a small slice of cake to celebrate the occasion.

No the cake was not vegan. I'm labelling myself as an antisocial vegan. When I'm with others I'm vegan when I can be, but will dabble with non vegan foods. When I'm alone though and am making the food choices I choose vegan food.

It was nice connecting with his family. His mother is wonderful. And I hope she becomes my mother in-law someday.

I also spoke with his younger brother who suffered from many of the same conditions I do, and can really relate to him.

I'm scared I'm getting too attached to his family. My borderline has idealized all of them and I'd really like to incorporate them into my family in the future. But what if things don't work out with me and Kyle?

I miss him

I don't know what to say other than I miss him.

I used to never let myself get attached like this, never let me feel this way, blocked myself off from the world. But he's different.

He can make me smile on my worst days. I can't get that from anybody else. He can hold me and tell me everything will be okay in a way that I actually believe.

I want to spend the rest of my life with him.

I've never said that about anyone before. It's scary to say.



I got myself out of bed today, dressed and on campus so that I can have internet access. I have none until Tuesday. I'm getting out of work for the weekend so that I can go up to Kyle's mom's place and celebrate her husband's birthday. From there, I plan to go up to north to visit my dad, stepmom and two sisters.

My eating disorder is confused. I've lost a fair bit of appetite, so I've been non-intentionally restricting, but my brain wants to binge and purge, and yet food disgusts me at the moment. I also have a total of 8$ in my two bank accounts combined.

sleep

I thought that keeping busy would make everything okay.

It didn't

I don't have the mental energy to keep myself busy. I spent 36 hours in bed, either asleep or wishing he was with me. He told me his life goals shifted to make lots of money so that I can live in this city with you. I'm in love. I need to motivate myself to do the same. Work hard this summer and spend less money. Commit to treatment and actually try to get better.

I've lost my appetite since he left, and my ED is extremely happy. I don't know what to do. The number on the scale dropped and I can't say I'm upset.

I'm off to work soon and I need to eat. I'll have some hot chocolate and cereal and berries. And I'll pick up a clif bar on my way to work so I have something during my shift, I work 4-8 so right through dinner time. My job is also on my feet, walking and going door to door. I'll definitely need some food even if my appetite is gone.

Leaving on a jet plane

I just dropped my boyfriend off at the airport. His flight leaves in 35 minutes. I miss him already.

He's going on a wonderful adventure though. He's moving across the country for graduate school. I'm incredibly proud of him, but of course, also super upset.

I'm really mad at myself, because had I not been sick I would also be going to graduate school and moving across the country right now. But now I have 8 more months of school. I'll be done in December.

I move across the country in January, where I'll work for 8 months before beginning graduate school myself.

All I want to do is hide under blankets and cry. I don't want to see anyone or talk to anyone. I have group today. I doubt I'll go. I have work today. I doubt I'll go. I have gymnastics tonight. I doubt I'll go.

I don't have internet at my house right now either, so I'll probably end up watching DVDs. How old school. Speaking of school, I got a bad grade on my thesis. I still have some chance to increase the grade so I'll be working on that today. Summer school has started. Which means lots and lots of econ for me.

I'm busy, but I just want to drop everything and hide. I'm so done with this shit called life. But I also know that this is a feeling and that it will pass. I know that this is okay and it will better. And the next 8 months will hopefully fly by and I'll be on the West Coast soon. It's not okay now, but it will be. It will be.

So my boyfriend moves tomorrow...

... to the other side of the country.

I just came out of a therapy session where I literally cried about him leaving for 40 minutes and then she let me leave the session. I have group this afternoon and I just don't know if I can do it. I really want to run. To just not go to group. To leave the hospital and go to Toronto. I'll hang out at the starbucks and do some work. Watch more scandal. But I just don't want to do group. We'll see how I feel about it in half an hour.

I'm going to miss Kyle so much. 8 months is a long time to not have a hug.


Update: did not go to group. Went window shopping instead.


Kyle and I had a long chat. I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I'm going to marry him one day.