To eat or not to eat

That is the question.

But it's not the only question.

See if the answer is no, then I have to plan my day around that. Are I going to drink? If so, zero cal drinks or any drinks? Or just water? What about electrolytes? Are Powerade drops acceptable? Is crystal light cheating? It's zero cals but I'm basically eating fruit salad. At least flavour wise. But I probably couldn't live without my crystal light. What about gum? If I chew it for an hour it makes up for the calories in it? How vigorously do I need to chew it? What about broth? Is broth a food or a drink? It has a lot of sodium, so how many glasses of water do I make myself drink for every cup of broth? And if broth is a drink, what about a brothy soup? A vegetable soup only adds about 30cals to the broth, but then it's loaded with vitamins. So is that okay?

What if I do eat? How many meals? One large one or several small? Carbs or no carbs? Fat or no fat? Do I count spices in my calorie count? How much do I workout? Do I count net calories or total calories? What about bloating? Do I indulge in a treat? If I do, should I purge? What if I overeat healthy food? I feel guilty for purging but it needs to come out. What about laxing? How many? What type? What am I doing in 12 hours? I could always say fuck it and just binge and purge. But how much money am I willing to spend? What time do I need to go out to buy food so my housemates don't notice me coming back with cartons of icecream, cookies, and frozen pizzas. What if my gag reflex stops again and I can't get it all out?

This runs through my mind every second of every minute of every day.

So the next time you tell me that it's easy, that I should just eat a balanced diet, or that I'm not trying hard enough shut the hell up.

It's not that easy.

I keep my days filled with school work and extra-curriculars so that my brain doesn't have time to panic about food. I eat while doing work, because if not, there is no way that meal will stay down. I study best when I'm hungry, because that is when my self esteem is at it's highest.

I'm trying. I really am.
But this has become who I am. I'm taking baby steps, taming the monster.

Honestly, the best thing you can do for me is not comment. If I bring it up, that's fine. If not, be quiet.

-Niqi
xoxo