Merry Christmas

Holiday meal plan

I know that many of you are stressed with Christmas coming up (tomorrow is Christmas Eve!!) so I thought I would share some yummy safe dishes of mine I'll be eating. 

Obviously it will be weird for me to be eating different food than my family, but since I'm vegetarian, it happens anyways so I use that as my excuse to make my own food. It helps that my immediate family knows and are supportive/know that I'm 18 and there isn't much they can do. 

How to get through a three course Christmas meal: 

1. bread/salad. 

I make myself a very nice garden salad and fill up on this. I don't dress my salads, I simply put some salt and pepper on it. I often have the same salad my family is having, and ask them to leave the dressing on the side. I'll tend to skip the bread, when the bread basket goes around, or put a very small piece of bread in the basket and go for that one. Bread is such a fear food for me, I'd rather not be triggered to b/p right from the get go.

Salad ~ 50 (about two-three cups worth, no dressing)

Bread ~50 (for a small piece)

2. Main course. 

I replace the turkey with tofurky roast (125 per tenth of the roast) and then have a plateful of steamed veggies (about 50 for two cups). I can't do potatoes, so I always skip those. 

3. Desert. 

This is the though one and seems to ALWAYS lead me to binging and purging. I plan on loading up on fruit salad (about 80 for a cup) and some light whipped cream to look like I'm indulging (25 per quarter cup)

In total your meal can easily be under 400cals, and you still feel part of the Christmas celebrations. 

Good luck!

-Niqi

xoxo

Pj party!

EEP! I'm so very far behind on sharing what we've been up to this December.

But first I wanted to share a few Holiday PJ pics.

I got these last year for the whole family and haven't been able to get their dad back in his.  I know y'all miss that.

We rode the Polar Express this year and wore our matching jams.

And getting 4 kids to look at the camera at the same time equals impossible.

Heck. I can barely manage to get two to take a good picture.

Don't be fooled though folks.  Their love for one another is fierce.

Lastly, our annual Chicago trip and Elf Pjs.

Friends

I tried seeing people today. I was social for 4 and a half hours. I currently want to sleep for 20 years. Why are social interactions so exhausting? Of course, now it is almost dinner time so I have to be social with my family.
I swear the holidays are more tiring then the school year. At least during the school year I can claim that the reason I'm not being social is because of readings and assignments.. It's kinda hard to do that during the break.
Ughh I need to sleep. A lot. Or just be alone for ever... Why are social interactions expected of me?

-Niqi
xoxo

happy happy holidays

The holidays are a wonderful time of year. If you're happy that is.

I should be in the hospital. But there is no more help they can give me. 

My family is gonna hate having me around because I'm going to lock myself in my room the entire time.

I'll eat my own Christmas dinner at the end of the table. Eating delicious pan fried veggies with no oil while everyone else feasts on turkey. All for nothing because then I will binge on cookies and pie.
I never understood why suicide rates went up around the holidays. Everyone seems so happy and festive. I get it now. Being the only unhappy one is quite a lonely feeling.

-Niqi
xoxo

I'm not depressed because..

I'm not depressed because I spent two days in bed. I got up today, wrote an exam, socialized with three friends, took a train to go home, watched a comedy, knit and played guitar. But at the end of the day, I'm back in bed wanting to die.

I'm not depressed because I don't know what I want to do with my life. I know exactly what I want to do with my life. I have plans upon plans of all the things I want to accomplish. I know which courses I'll take at which grad schools and which condo I'd like to live in in 5, 10 and 15 years. I will have three cats named Ana, Maleficent, and Pixie.

I'm not depressed because it's winter. Yes I am affected by S.A.D. I also attempted suicide in June.

I'm not depressed because school is too much. Yes university courses can trigger my anxiety. But some days the only reason I got out of bed is because I really really like linear algebra class.

I'm not depressed because of a certain reason. There isn't one thing you can change in my life that will make me happy. There are things that give me a reason to not die, until the chemical imbalances in my brain are changed. My meds are still being sorted out. My therapy is still being sorted out. I'm depressed because I am one of the unlucky ones with Major Depressive Disorder. You can't just 'fix' me. Please just stick with me.

-Niqi
xoxo

Questions questions questions

... I know I'm going to have to answer all of these the second I see my parents:

• How is school?
• How is treatment?
• How is recovery? 
• How much are you purging? 
• How much are you restricting? 
• Why do you care so much about your weight? 
• Why do you care so much about your grades?
• What are your grades like?
• How did exams go?
• How was the semester?
• Did you get to know any of your profs?
• Why did you spend so much money? 
• Why is there an ambulance charge on your credit card? 
• Can't you see how much your hurting us? 
• Does your eyeliner have some sort of deep meaning? 
• Why don't you want to talk to us? 
• Why don't you want to play with your siblings?
• Why don't you want to go see your highschool friends? 
• Did you lose weight? 
• Did you gain weight? 
• Do you know how much we love you?
• Are you still trying to lose weight? 
• Are you going to get a scholorship? 
• How much are your books going to cost next year?
• What are your new years resolutions? 
• Do you still like your therapist?
• Why aren't you ding treatment at the hospital?
• Why don't you want to stay longer? 
• What meds are you on now?
• Why do you need blood work done so often? 
• Is it safe for you to have meds in your room? 
• Why are you taking so many vitamins? 
• Is that enough food for breakfast/lunch/dinner?
• Isn't that a lot of food?
• Are you going to purge that? 
• Where did all our alcohol go? 

-Niqi

xoxo

I'm ginormous

I'm ginormous.
A big piece of lard.
Expanding every day at an exponential speed.
I lose a pound yet it looks like I gained 4.
So I lose some more. And more and more.
Until I eat the entire kitchen.
And then start again.
Oh joy.

-Niqi
xoxo

Mindfulness.

To be perfectly honest, I always thought mindfulness was the most ridiculous thing in the world. When I was admitted, I sat through mindfulness groups rolling my eyes and making up elaborate escape plans that would have never worked. But once I got discharged I started to notice some things. Mindfulness is a skill that I have used in the past - I just wasn't aware of it. However, my mindfulness activities are different then the average.
I struggled with mindful breathing, and yoga and those types of activities. I could not stop my brain from wandering and ended up having panic attacks after those activities.
But some of my other coping strategies became a lot more effective when I viewed them as mindfulness activities.

Some of my most common "mindfulness" strategies are:
- listening to music
This one is perhaps more obviously mindful listening..

-knitting
So I suppose that this could be considered mindful movement. However I like to watch netflix at the same time, which means I am not 100% in the moment. The focus I have on the knitting needes help me focus all my brain energy into something, while allowing myself to get carried away into whatever tv show I'm watching.

-making bracelets
This is pretty similar to knitting for me, but you should go check out the bracelet project on tumblr. Its a great mental health awareness project and it gives me a purpose to the bracelets I'm making.

-gymnastics and dance
Both if these sports require 100℅ total focus. I find it so much easier to be mindful when my life depends on it then when I'm sitting on a yoga mat.

-puzzles
I love math. Hence why I'm a math major. Sitting down and doing a sudoku or similar puzzle is one of the best ways for me to be in the moment. I'm sure word searches or crosswords work just as well for those more language bases people!

Basically, what I'm trying to say, is that the skills they teach you in DBT can be used in so many ways. I have fought with my therapist with regards to weather or not I was practicing my skills or not, when in reality I wasn't practicing them in her way.
Some people need yoga and bubble baths to clear their heads, while others need to punch a boxing bag or do puzzles.

-Niqi
Xoxo

Fucking therapy

I love my therapist. 

Well I did.
I might hate her now. 

Yesterday, I was really proud of myself, told her how I was feeling and ended up in the ER for 'suicidal threats and behaviours'. They let me out. I emailed her to see if I could talk to her today specifically about ways I could lift my mood and strategies to get through the holidays. 

Did I get help and support? 

No. 

I got a fucking lecture. 

I got told that I don't have my priorities right. Well too bad it's my life. 

I was accused of lying because my university timetable got changed. I don't control the fucking schedule.

Apparently I'm not committed enough to recovery. Well I'm 18, live alone and choosing to see you every other week, so I'm pretty damn sure that I'm trying. 

I really want to cancel my appointments in January. 

I don't want to go back. 

More triggered then ever. Every time she tells me I can't do something, I want to spit in her face and say watch me. 

So watch me she will. 

I will be skinny, smart, successful and powerful. She did do one thing right. I have motivation to live again because I need to prove her wrong. 

-Niqi

xoxo 

Nutcracker 2014

We have been taking Carsyn to see the local Nutcracker performance since she was 15 months old.

And every year she has sat through the show mesmerized.

Last year she cried because she wasn't on stage and I promptly enrolled her in ballet that January.

Fast forward to present and my sweet girl finally made her debut.

She danced a routine to "Mommy Kissing Santa Claus" for the opening act and I could not have been a prouder momma.

Here she is during rehearsal night.

And we're off for opening night..

Carsyn and Miss Brittany before the show.

Are they not the cutest?

And full of personality!

She had a few fans show up!

Watching the show.

We decided to give her a doll as a gift for her performance.  I wanted her to have something she would always treasure and I just love American Girl dolls.

And how pretty is the American Girl nutcracker gown?

Carsyn danced with her nutcracker all night pretending she was the lead character.  Such a special night with special people.

Burnt out too soon

A week and half too soon.
10 days to be exact.
4 more finals to write and I'm already done.
Ready to throw in the towel.

I'm crying myself to sleep.
Wondering when this will end.
Feeling, tired and worthless.

I starve myself to deal with the stress.
But how can I concentrate when I have no food?

10 days. You can do it. 10 days.

-Niqi
xoxo

Pre exams

Exam one is today. In one hour and 50 minutes. Honestly, I feel okay. I'm starting with the easy one. How bad can it be? We get two hours to answer 60multiple choice. Our midterm was 30 multiple choice and I finished in 15 minutes.
Deep breaths Niqi. Its going to be okay. Breathe in, breathe out. I made the smart decision of taking our my anxiety at the gym this morning. Start burning off the remaining 4.2lbs of the 5 I gained over the past week. God I hate my body right now.

Anyways, I'm actually writing this while on a stationary bike. I hate writing exams not in the morning. 90% of the time my good mood only lasts in the morning. I'm in a good mood now, but who knows if it will last through the exam.... Stupid BPD. The worst is not knowing how you're going TP feel. I feel great now, which means I could also feel great tonight or I could trip over a rock and become suicidal. So please good mood.. Last until 2:30pm. That's all I need from you. I'm pumping you with endorphins, I'll hydrate you and I'm even going to feed you (!!). Just continue feeling good until after my exam!

-Niqi
xoxo

Catch up

Hope you've got a lot of time folks because we've got lots to catch up on!

We started November with a check up at the Doctors office.  Hank weighed in at 34 lbs and Carsyn at 32.  She is 40" tall and Hank is 36" tall.

We also celebrated my friend, Ricarda's sweet daughter Kasyn's second birthday.  Clearly Kasyn was more interested in eating cake than posing with Carsyn,

We ventured down to Rupp to watch the cats play.  If you look at the pic closely you can see basically the entire snack stand balancing on the hubby's lap.  So that's the secret of getting a 2 year old to sit through an entire ball game. Pizza, hot dogs, popcorn, and Sprite.

We went to the Lexington Holly Day Market too.

Hanky had just had his flu shots which made him terribly cranky so I was SHOCKED when he climbed up in Santa's lap and wrapped his arms around him professing his love.

Carsyn's favorite was Mrs Claus.

My sweet niece Emersyn turned 1 and had a twinkle twinkle little star birthday.

Isn't she the cutest?

We also went and had Thanksgiving lunch with Maddox.  I really thought he'd try to be the cool kid and ignore us but he was so excited.  He kept showing Carsyn and Hank around and holding their hands.  He's the sweetest child.

And yay!! A pic of Rosie. Love her!

We took the kiddos to see the new Penguins movie and they loved it.  Aren't they hilarious?

We visited EKY and had Thanksgiving with our families.

And we wrapped up Thanksgiving weekend with a trip to the tree lot.

I'm still decorating and haven't really started shopping yet!! Time to get with it! Hope y'all had a wonderful Thanksgiving!

Falling off

I'm stuck.
Trapped in a land between reality and fantasy.
Where broken hearts become physically tired.
Where more time is spent in the bathroom than with friends.
Getting out is harder then anything you've ever imagined.
It's like falling 50ft off a tight rope.
Try getting back up.
It's anything but impossible.
And if you don't get back in a certain time, you die.
You get dizzy, and start blacking out.
Your heart starts to flutter, but you aren't in love.
You're dying.
Throwing money in the toilet,
Disappointing your family,
Loosing your friends.
You're stuck.
Lurking between reality and fantasy, life and death.
I want to turn back.
But I can't.
So I resign.

-Niqi
xoxo

Safe study snacks

Exams are coming and I always want to snack while studying.
Here are some good snacks you can snack on without feeling to guilty or leading to binge/purge

- rice cakes (35-60/cake depending on the case)

- chocolate covered espresso beans (216 for 28 pieces, but satisfying and has caffeine. I treat myself with these) (nice caffeine boost, and such a strong flavor I don't want to binge)

- apples (80 each) (give a really good energy boost as well, other fruit works as well!)

- frozen berries (70/cup) eat them frozen and slowly

- veggies (50/cup) with hummus (35/2tbsp if you find the light stuff) or salsa (25/.25 cup) or just some spices (~0)

- Candy canes (50 each) (okay fine nothing good nutritionally, but low cal, no fat, peppermint curbs cravings and takes a long time to eat. If anyone ever finds sugar free candy canes they must let me know ASAP)


Since I'm on the topic, what do you guys eat before exams?
All my exams are in the morning, so my standard is a coffee (~0), apple (80) and oatmeal (130) = 210. More then my normal breakfast intake, but it keeps me satisfied throughout my exam. I also always chew a piece of mint gum while writing, and keep a water bottle with me.

Good luck studying darlings, and remember, if you need to up your cals to focus on school, do so!! You have a break after and can adjust your eating after. Please focus on exams and plan your food so you don't burn out before they end.

-Niqi
xoxo

That's the borderline speaking

Exams are coming. I'm stressed as fuck. So what is my natural response? Let's cut, overdose, throw myself off of buildings, binge and purge or go get drunk.
No Niqi, you don't drink. You know your family has a long history of alcoholics. You don't want to go down that path.
Okay so b/p, cut, overdose or jump off a roof. Well the roof jumping is do risky.. death would be okay but being paralyzed would not. Overdosing would lead you to the hospital and probably on a 72 hr psych hold...
Like always, my options are b/p or cutting. Hence why I do them. Because they are the best option of a list of terrible options.

Niqi, calm down, this isn't you. This is the borderline speaking. It's an episode. Ride the wave, it will pass. I promise. 19 more days to get through. Hold on. Don't fall apart just yet. Try not to bleed out or lose all your electrolytes. Don't get hospitalized until the end of exams. Ideally, don't get hospitalized at all, but hey if you do, try to miss out on 'fun family time' (aka people stuffing their faces until they basically explode) instead of exams that will help my future.

Deep breaths Niqi. You can do this. Ignore the borderline until after exams. You can push it away for 19 more days. That's less then three weeks. 19 days. breathe in breathe out. Don't punch a wall, don't hurt yourself. 19 days. You can do it.

-Niqi
xoxo