Between a rock and a hard place

I feel a bit stuck with my recovery right now. I know I need to be in hospital. All I can think of doing when I leave these grounds is overdosing. But at the same time, I need meal support. I need to not be in an environment where purging every meal is so damn easy. I need to be in an environment where I have motivation to eat and not purge. Where my livelihood depends on it. And here, it just doesn't matter.

It's a really a shame that I'm put in this situation. That the acute mental health program isn't able to provide me with the meal support that I need. It's becoming more and more obvious with my time here that I do need to do an eating disorder program - either a day hospital or inpatient treatment. But I just don't feel ready to admit that I need to gain weight or eat more.

A few things have really triggered me lately. Talks of vegan, keto, and low calorie diets have really made me regress into restriction. The biggest problem is though, I just don't care. I don't. I really wish I did. I really wish that I wanted to embrace life and get better. But.. I just don't right now. And I don't know when I will.