Reflections from the hospital

"I think being admitted with older patients has really helped my recovery. It helped me realize that I'm still in a that honey moon stage. I'm still at a point where my mental illness gets me love and sympathy when I feel emotionally neglected. It won't continue this way. I've already lost opportunities and independence and it's just going to get worse. I need to stop romanticizing being sick and take it for what it really is: a deadly illness. There really is no choice but to get better.

I think I will always struggle with suicidal ideations because of the way I look at the world. The seemingly lack of purpose will always affect me as I am a driven goal oriented person. But I can use those traits positively. I can use those traits to achieve things in my life. I can use those traits to overcome this illness. Setting consistent goals for myself will be very beneficial and important in both my recovery and general life.

I think I will always struggle with food. I think that my upbringing and experience with gymnastics and goals as an athlete will make food a challenge. But I am now willing to admit the effect that being an athlete has on my eating habits, which is tremendous progress. I believe that through harm reduction I can get myself to a point where I no longer fit the diagnostic criteria for an eating disorer. My goals are still to maintain a low weight and I am unable to let go of that, but I can earn to be balanced and have less disordered patterns. Recovery looks different for everyone and these are the steps I am currently willing to take."

- An exert from my journal