Anxiety

Today I had a meeting with my thesis supervisor that I didn't end up going to.

I walked up to his office to go talk to him, and two other people were in his office. I panicked. I was too anxious to knock on his door knowing I was interrupting something so I left the building and went to work at my boyfriend's.

I know I should have knocked. He told me to go in and see him which meant he was expecting me. He was okay with my coming in. But my anxiety just couldn't handle it. It was all too much.

Otherwise, today was a really good day. It started off rough - I needed an extra nap and group challenged me to think about where I'm at with my hospitalization and school. But it started looking up.

I had a productive appointment with my doctor. He said I should try to find something to do that I'm not competitive about. Even with writing, I'm always looking at how many blog views I have, or how many people watch my poetry on YouTube. With gymnastics, I'm always focused on the upcoming competition. With school, the focus is on grades. I can't seem to stop comparing myself from others.

I'm thinking of making coloring my thing. Coloring isn't competitive. You just color. It's a good mindful activity as well. I wish Netflix watching could be my thing. But apparently that doesn't count.