A list of things I am doing instead of studying
1. Writing this list
2. Eating a bag of sour cherry blasters
3. Feeling guilty for eating a bag of sour cherry blasters
4. Obsessively checking my phone, waiting for someone to text me so that I have a reason not to study
5. Worrying about my trip home tomorrow
6. Stress eating more sour cherry blasters because of my trip home tomorrow
7. Wondering why home is so scary
8. Wondering how I got so bad that I can't return to where it all began
9. Thinking of a thousand different ways the next two days could go wrong
1. The elliptical could be broken so I won't be able to work out
2. Our train could break down and we never make it home
3. My siblings could be unexcited to see me
4. My siblings could decide to shoot my boyfriend with a nerf gun
5. There could be no food that I eat in the house
6. I could ruin my recovery with all the binge food available
7. I could spiral into a relapse so bad that I
1. Spend the trip hiding from my family
2. Spend the trip lying to my boyfriend
3. Burst a pipe in the bathroom
4. Am too distracted to have fun
5. Am too tired to study for my finals
6. Study so little that I fail my finals causing me to
1. Question my life choices
2. Not get into graduate school
3. Not get a job
4. Move into my parents basement
5. Be a huge dissapointment
6. Never acheive anything in life
Senin, 24 April 2017
Minggu, 23 April 2017
exams
Sorry I haven't written much lately, between depression and exams I haven't spent much time doing anything other than sleeping and studying.
I've written one final so far. I deferred an exam last week as well as tomorrow's. I have to finish writing my thesis as well as write my last final on Thursday.
Eating is not going so well, but I'm staying vegan. Being broke and vegan does help a bit with the binging and purging, but it's an addiction, and at the end of the day. I'll always find a way around whatever obstacles are put in my way in order to feed the addiction.
I'm broke, I'm tired, I'm stressed. But I'm back at my student house getting through every day one minute at a time
I've written one final so far. I deferred an exam last week as well as tomorrow's. I have to finish writing my thesis as well as write my last final on Thursday.
Eating is not going so well, but I'm staying vegan. Being broke and vegan does help a bit with the binging and purging, but it's an addiction, and at the end of the day. I'll always find a way around whatever obstacles are put in my way in order to feed the addiction.
I'm broke, I'm tired, I'm stressed. But I'm back at my student house getting through every day one minute at a time
Senin, 17 April 2017
home sweet home
I went down to my mom's house yesterday with Kyle as a birthday surprise for her.
It's been going better then previous trips down that I've taken. I purged dinner yesterday and had a purged twice today. So it's definitely not going well, but it's not going as badly as my old trips used to be. The veganism helps, gives me more reason to cook my own safe foods.
It's been really good to see my siblings. It's been too long since I've really spent time with them. I had a few talks with both my brother and sister about drugs and relationships and made sure they had a healthy relationship with food. They seem to be doing remarkably well. They also feel more comfortable talking to me now, and promised they'd call if ever they need some sisterly advice.
Kyle saw how good I was with my siblings and it made him think about our future. I can't stop thinking about our future.
It's been going better then previous trips down that I've taken. I purged dinner yesterday and had a purged twice today. So it's definitely not going well, but it's not going as badly as my old trips used to be. The veganism helps, gives me more reason to cook my own safe foods.
It's been really good to see my siblings. It's been too long since I've really spent time with them. I had a few talks with both my brother and sister about drugs and relationships and made sure they had a healthy relationship with food. They seem to be doing remarkably well. They also feel more comfortable talking to me now, and promised they'd call if ever they need some sisterly advice.
Kyle saw how good I was with my siblings and it made him think about our future. I can't stop thinking about our future.
Sabtu, 15 April 2017
Art therapy journal
This seems to be super popular these days so I tried it out last night!
Yesterday was a rough day, my brain just seemed to be overdrive the entire day. I wasn't able to focus on my studies, and I'm quite stressed out about this today, as I fear I have fallen behind. I know it will all be okay. I'm allowed to have bad days. It's just frustrating when they pop out of nowhere.
Jumat, 14 April 2017
Kamis, 13 April 2017
"Vegans are in fake recovery"
Is something that my roommate has said to me a lot.
I disagree. Not only do I disagree, but I'm living proof that she's wrong. My binging and purging has gone WAY down since going vegan. I feel more comfortable with the food that I'm eating. Overall, I'm eating more, and purging less.
Today in therapy my new therapist and I talked about all the reasons that her comments upset me. Turns out I have cycles of thoughts and emotions that rush into my brain from her comments - and I didn't even know that it was going on! I thought it just angered me, but turns out that under that anger was fear, shame and guilt.
When she says things like this I tend to agree with her and play along. This makes me feel as though I'm betraying all my vegan friends as well as my beliefs. This leads to guilt. Then I get upset that I'm not living in accordance to my values, which leads to shame.
The fear comes from me being worried that she's right. She's farther along in her recovery so she would know more right? Wrong. She knows what worked for her recovery, not for mine. This works for me and I need to remember that.
In other news, I lost my job at the gym but got a different job supporting local farmers - the pay and the hours are better, so I'm glad things worked out this way.
I disagree. Not only do I disagree, but I'm living proof that she's wrong. My binging and purging has gone WAY down since going vegan. I feel more comfortable with the food that I'm eating. Overall, I'm eating more, and purging less.
Today in therapy my new therapist and I talked about all the reasons that her comments upset me. Turns out I have cycles of thoughts and emotions that rush into my brain from her comments - and I didn't even know that it was going on! I thought it just angered me, but turns out that under that anger was fear, shame and guilt.
When she says things like this I tend to agree with her and play along. This makes me feel as though I'm betraying all my vegan friends as well as my beliefs. This leads to guilt. Then I get upset that I'm not living in accordance to my values, which leads to shame.
The fear comes from me being worried that she's right. She's farther along in her recovery so she would know more right? Wrong. She knows what worked for her recovery, not for mine. This works for me and I need to remember that.
In other news, I lost my job at the gym but got a different job supporting local farmers - the pay and the hours are better, so I'm glad things worked out this way.
Senin, 10 April 2017
Work
I missed my first shit.
stupid.
stupid.
stupid.
stupid.
stupid.
I slept through. I had an awful night last night, and was majorly dissociating through the day and slept through my alarm. I feel like such an idiot. I sent my manager an email, and I am hoping she still allows me to come in and work tomorrow. I was so excited about this job and now I might have ruined it.
stupid.
stupid.
stupid.
stupid.
stupid.
I slept through. I had an awful night last night, and was majorly dissociating through the day and slept through my alarm. I feel like such an idiot. I sent my manager an email, and I am hoping she still allows me to come in and work tomorrow. I was so excited about this job and now I might have ruined it.
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