Cancer...

I'm scared.
My esophagus is wearing down.
This could lead to cancer.
I know the likely hood of this happening is slim. But the chance of it happening now is higher than it was last week, before I had to go to the ER because I was having absolutely terrible painful acid reflux. I've always known that my eating disorder could kill me, but somehow that has always been okay. Something about cancer makes it scarier. It's not scary enough for me to want to recover. You can't be scared into recovery. Just scary enough for me to cry myself to sleep every night.
It doesn't help that both my dad and stepmom struggled with cancer when they were healthy individuals. And here I am slowly killing myself and increasing my chances of getting this disease everytime I stick my fingers down my throat. It still isn't stopping me. I hate myself so much for this.
Esophageal cancer only has a 15% survival rate 5yrs after diagnosis. It is one of the most fatal cancers. You can't eat with this disease.. so my one way of being able to cope with stress will disappear. It will be a long and painful death.
I'm scared.
I don't want my life to end like this.
But being scared only leads me to bingeing and purging more and more. I can't stop. I need help but I refuse it.  I don't know how I'm ever going to get out of this.

-Niqi
xoxo