Weekend pass

I got a pass for the weekend,
36 hours of freedom
On my own in the real world
With all the terrors of life
I wish I could say that I was happy
To be out of the hospital for the weekend
But in reality I'm scared
I've been eyeing the razors
On the shelf in my bathroom
And the bottle of pills sitting
At the edge of my desk
I know that hurting myself won't solve anything
But pain keeps me alive

I talked to my therapist yesterday
And we were talking about how
It's true that pain is what
Keeps us all alive
And that's why cutting
And starving and purging works
She said something that surprised me
That she knows all to well
How cutting works
Because she has scars of her own
It made things me feel more comfortable
Talking and being open to her
I've been seeing my therapist for
Three years now and I know
That she had mental health issues
Of her own when she was younger
But something about her making things
As explicit as she did
Really helped me believe
That maybe I can get better

I'm still struggling though
To see the point of it all
The big picture makes everything
Seem so pointless to me
So I'm on my own this weekend
Sitting on my bed which is much more
Welcoming then the stiff hospital mattress
Trying to enjoy the little things
Because the big picture is too
Scary and daunting to me
I'm trying to distract myself
Painting my nails and dying my hair
Alternating between watching the Olympics
And binge watching shows on Netflix

I can't say I've been all good so far
I've already binged and purged
On bread and sweets and some of
My roommates food
But I'm determined to keep myself
Safe tonight and okay tonight
I want to be okay because if I'm not
I can't go on vacation next week
And I really really want to go