Playing hooky

My doctor has decided that I need to be weighed once a month to make sure my weight is somewhat stable.

Firstly, if my doctor wants to make sure my weight is stable she should really be weighing me weekly.. my weight fluctuations are so dramatic, that in this month alone, I've gained 10 pounds and lost 4. To my doctor that will just look like I've gained 6 pounds, which she would probably be happy about.

But that's beside the point. I find getting weighed by my doctor extremely triggering. My fucked up eating disorder brain tells me that she'll only care if I'm losing weight. That I have to be underweight for her to care. The problem is, I have evidence to support this. She started paying a lot more attention to me when I lost weight. All of a sudden, she was concerned about me missing my period, isolating myself, ordering blood work and EKGs. I always try to lose weight before my doctors appointments because of this.

Yesterday, when I woke up and had gained a pound from the day before, I decided there was no way I was going in. Instead, I lied in bed all day pouting because I had gained weight. Usually I would go to my doctor and talk through these feelings, but I couldn't stand the idea of being weighed.

I see my psychiatrist on Thursday, and I'm sure I'll get into trouble for skipping yesterday's appointment. And she'll most likely weigh me. But at least that gives me two more days to lose....