drowning

My cat is purring beside me and it's the only thing holding me together right now.

I'm not suicidal, I'm just tired. Tired of being sick, tired of being behind, tired of always feeling inadequate.

I have tears in my eyes, but there stuck. Crying would provide me with relief, and my brain just isn't okay with that today.

"Missing you comes in waves. And tonight, I'm drowning."

But really, I'm always drowning.

Missing you and having BPD is just about the worst combination. I love you but can't be with you and am always so paranoid that you'll find someone else. We each have our lives, and I'm glad we're independent people, but I want our lives intertwined.

I wear your pj pants to bed, and hug your hat as if it's a stuffed animal, thinking somehow that will bring me closer to you.

It's so hard to breathe when you're drowning.

Food, work, life

I'm obsessed with the show Scandal, and have been binge watching it instead of studying.

I had a midterm yesterday and I completely winged it and I think it went okay. I do need to get my act together though, as I need these grades to get into graduate school.

I had a chat with one of my best friends yesterday, and we started talking about the future. About potentially marrying our current boyfriends. About going to graduate school in the area our boyfriends are. I'm lucky - I knew I wanted to go out west before my boyfriend decided to go out west, so it really works out for both of us. But what if it didn't? I never thought I'd be the type to follow a boy around but maybe I am. I'm only twenty, I know this might be too much to think about at my age. But in five years, it won't be. And five years isn't very long.

I made some sweet potato homefries today for lunch. They were delicious but had so much oil. I'm panicking over the amount of oil, but have convinced myself not to purge. I know I don't need to. I know that I'm better than this.

I work tonight, and I have to say, so far I like my job. I have a few issues with the company, but I'm sorting it out and going to talk to them. I like the fresh air, and how it forces me to get out of the house and interact with people. Even if the interaction is them slamming the door in my face. I find that as long as I don't get too attached, I really enjoy it.

I don't know what to do with food though regarding my job. I work 4pm-8pm. Which means I need to eat dinner at 3pm or 9pm. I don't get a break, but could always stop for two minutes and shovel a granola bar down my throat or something. But that's not really what I want to do. And it seems to throw off my schedule for the week.

I spent more money on my stepdad's credit card yesterday grocery shopping. I really need my government loan to come in so that I can pay him back and stop feeling guilty. The guilty feelings are leading to more impulse shopping which just worsens the situation.

Family time

When you have an eating disorder, family gatherings can be tough. I went up north for my boyfriend's stepdad's birthday. The weird part though, was that my boyfriend wasn't there. He's accross the country at school.

I managed though. I snacked on fruits, veg and crackers with hummus. It was a drop in event so there was no big sit down dinner which helped. I also had a small slice of cake to celebrate the occasion.

No the cake was not vegan. I'm labelling myself as an antisocial vegan. When I'm with others I'm vegan when I can be, but will dabble with non vegan foods. When I'm alone though and am making the food choices I choose vegan food.

It was nice connecting with his family. His mother is wonderful. And I hope she becomes my mother in-law someday.

I also spoke with his younger brother who suffered from many of the same conditions I do, and can really relate to him.

I'm scared I'm getting too attached to his family. My borderline has idealized all of them and I'd really like to incorporate them into my family in the future. But what if things don't work out with me and Kyle?

I miss him

I don't know what to say other than I miss him.

I used to never let myself get attached like this, never let me feel this way, blocked myself off from the world. But he's different.

He can make me smile on my worst days. I can't get that from anybody else. He can hold me and tell me everything will be okay in a way that I actually believe.

I want to spend the rest of my life with him.

I've never said that about anyone before. It's scary to say.



I got myself out of bed today, dressed and on campus so that I can have internet access. I have none until Tuesday. I'm getting out of work for the weekend so that I can go up to Kyle's mom's place and celebrate her husband's birthday. From there, I plan to go up to north to visit my dad, stepmom and two sisters.

My eating disorder is confused. I've lost a fair bit of appetite, so I've been non-intentionally restricting, but my brain wants to binge and purge, and yet food disgusts me at the moment. I also have a total of 8$ in my two bank accounts combined.

sleep

I thought that keeping busy would make everything okay.

It didn't

I don't have the mental energy to keep myself busy. I spent 36 hours in bed, either asleep or wishing he was with me. He told me his life goals shifted to make lots of money so that I can live in this city with you. I'm in love. I need to motivate myself to do the same. Work hard this summer and spend less money. Commit to treatment and actually try to get better.

I've lost my appetite since he left, and my ED is extremely happy. I don't know what to do. The number on the scale dropped and I can't say I'm upset.

I'm off to work soon and I need to eat. I'll have some hot chocolate and cereal and berries. And I'll pick up a clif bar on my way to work so I have something during my shift, I work 4-8 so right through dinner time. My job is also on my feet, walking and going door to door. I'll definitely need some food even if my appetite is gone.

Leaving on a jet plane

I just dropped my boyfriend off at the airport. His flight leaves in 35 minutes. I miss him already.

He's going on a wonderful adventure though. He's moving across the country for graduate school. I'm incredibly proud of him, but of course, also super upset.

I'm really mad at myself, because had I not been sick I would also be going to graduate school and moving across the country right now. But now I have 8 more months of school. I'll be done in December.

I move across the country in January, where I'll work for 8 months before beginning graduate school myself.

All I want to do is hide under blankets and cry. I don't want to see anyone or talk to anyone. I have group today. I doubt I'll go. I have work today. I doubt I'll go. I have gymnastics tonight. I doubt I'll go.

I don't have internet at my house right now either, so I'll probably end up watching DVDs. How old school. Speaking of school, I got a bad grade on my thesis. I still have some chance to increase the grade so I'll be working on that today. Summer school has started. Which means lots and lots of econ for me.

I'm busy, but I just want to drop everything and hide. I'm so done with this shit called life. But I also know that this is a feeling and that it will pass. I know that this is okay and it will better. And the next 8 months will hopefully fly by and I'll be on the West Coast soon. It's not okay now, but it will be. It will be.

So my boyfriend moves tomorrow...

... to the other side of the country.

I just came out of a therapy session where I literally cried about him leaving for 40 minutes and then she let me leave the session. I have group this afternoon and I just don't know if I can do it. I really want to run. To just not go to group. To leave the hospital and go to Toronto. I'll hang out at the starbucks and do some work. Watch more scandal. But I just don't want to do group. We'll see how I feel about it in half an hour.

I'm going to miss Kyle so much. 8 months is a long time to not have a hug.


Update: did not go to group. Went window shopping instead.


Kyle and I had a long chat. I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I'm going to marry him one day.

A list of things I am doing instead of studying

A list of things I am doing instead of studying

1. Writing this list
2. Eating a bag of sour cherry blasters
3. Feeling guilty for eating a bag of sour cherry blasters
4. Obsessively checking my phone, waiting for someone to text me so that I have a reason not to study
5. Worrying about my trip home tomorrow
6. Stress eating more sour cherry blasters because of my trip home tomorrow
7. Wondering why home is so scary
8. Wondering how I got so bad that I can't return to where it all began
9. Thinking of a thousand different ways the next two days could go wrong
1. The elliptical could be broken so I won't be able to work out
2. Our train could break down and we never make it home
3. My siblings could be unexcited to see me
4. My siblings could decide to shoot my boyfriend with a nerf gun
5. There could be no food that I eat in the house
6. I could ruin my recovery with all the binge food available
7. I could spiral into a relapse so bad that I
1. Spend the trip hiding from my family
2. Spend the trip lying to my boyfriend
3. Burst a pipe in the bathroom
4. Am too distracted to have fun
5. Am too tired to study for my finals
6. Study so little that I fail my finals causing me to
1. Question my life choices
2. Not get into graduate school
3. Not get a job
4. Move into my parents basement
5. Be a huge dissapointment
6. Never acheive anything in life

exams

Sorry I haven't written much lately, between depression and exams I haven't spent much time doing anything other than sleeping and studying.

I've written one final so far. I deferred an exam last week as well as tomorrow's. I have to finish writing my thesis as well as write my last final on Thursday.

Eating is not going so well, but I'm staying vegan. Being broke and vegan does help a bit with the binging and purging, but it's an addiction, and at the end of the day. I'll always find a way around whatever obstacles are put in my way in order to feed the addiction.

I'm broke, I'm tired, I'm stressed. But I'm back at my student house getting through every day one minute at a time

home sweet home

I went down to my mom's house yesterday with Kyle as a birthday surprise for her.

It's been going better then previous trips down that I've taken. I purged dinner yesterday and had a purged twice today. So it's definitely not going well, but it's not going as badly as my old trips used to be. The veganism helps, gives me more reason to cook my own safe foods.

It's been really good to see my siblings. It's been too long since I've really spent time with them. I had a few talks with both my brother and sister about drugs and relationships and made sure they had a healthy relationship with food. They seem to be doing remarkably well. They also feel more comfortable talking to me now, and promised they'd call if ever they need some sisterly advice.

Kyle saw how good I was with my siblings and it made him think about our future. I can't stop thinking about our future.

Art therapy journal

This seems to be super popular these days so I tried it out last night!

Yesterday was a rough day, my brain just seemed to be overdrive the entire day. I wasn't able to focus on my studies, and I'm quite stressed out about this today, as I fear I have fallen behind. I know it will all be okay. I'm allowed to have bad days. It's just frustrating when they pop out of nowhere. 

new poems!

Thinspo - a poem

Borderline - a poem

"Vegans are in fake recovery"

Is something that my roommate has said to me a lot.

I disagree. Not only do I disagree, but I'm living proof that she's wrong. My binging and purging has gone WAY down since going vegan. I feel more comfortable with the food that I'm eating. Overall, I'm eating more, and purging less.

Today in therapy my new therapist and I talked about all the reasons that her comments upset me. Turns out I have cycles of thoughts and emotions that rush into my brain from her comments - and I didn't even know that it was going on! I thought it just angered me, but turns out that under that anger was fear, shame and guilt.

When she says things like this I tend to agree with her and play along. This makes me feel as though I'm betraying all my vegan friends as well as my beliefs. This leads to guilt. Then I get upset that I'm not living in accordance to my values, which leads to shame.

The fear comes from me being worried that she's right. She's farther along in her recovery so she would know more right? Wrong. She knows what worked for her recovery, not for mine. This works for me and I need to remember that.






In other news, I lost my job at the gym but got a different job supporting local farmers - the pay and the hours are better, so I'm glad things worked out this way.

Work

I missed my first shit.


stupid.
stupid.
stupid.
stupid.
stupid.



I slept through. I had an awful night last night, and was majorly dissociating through the day and slept through my alarm. I feel like such an idiot. I sent my manager an email, and I am hoping she still allows me to come in and work tomorrow. I was so excited about this job and now I might have ruined it.

the gym

I just got hired at The Gym! (yes, it's a gym called the gym). I'm super excited.

I'm going to be a receptionist which is work I like to do, and I'll be in a great environment. I'll be around athletes and people who care about fitness, and I'll have a lot in common with the staff.

I'm really excited for this new opportunity. I think it's going to be a great job for me and a job I can sustain without ruining my mental health. My experience working at Tims and the pool company was so bad, so I'm nervous that maybe I just can't handle a job. But I'm hoping that this job is different. I will make it different. I will make this work for me. And I could really use the money.


In other news, I presented my thesis today and I think it went well! Now only the written part left to do!

Group

I had my first week of group this past week. Tuesday wasn't too bad. Yesterday was awful.

We were talking about values. And the facilitator showed a video of a woman talking about how she used to be homophobic and lost friends due to that, and how she's now conflicted because her values have changed.

You can't just hurt people because of your values. Somethings ARE black and white. Homophobia is bad. Racism is bad. There is no grey area. You can't defend yourself for being this way because of your values. Being hateful doesn't infringe on your values, it infridges on other people's lives.

I had an individual appointment today and explained my anger. She switched me to the earlier group so that I do the have to face that facilitator anymore. Thank goodness. I was ready to drop out of the program.

I would have just dropped out of he program if it weren't for one thing. My place in the eating disorder program is conditional on me completing this first program.

I'm hoping next week goes better with the new facilitators. It's a short group, only seven weeks, and I've got one week down. I can get through this.

binge purge

It's been a rough couple of days.

The day before yesterday I did terrifically with food! Ate balanced meals, had protein, did a very positive grocery shopping trip. But then things started to fall apart.

Sunday was okay, until the end of the day. I was with a group doing a practice thesis presentation and it ran much longer than expected, so I ended up very hungry. My boyfriend and I went out for dinner after and by the time the food came I was just ridiculously hungry. I had a lovely veggie burger in a lettuce bun and some sweet potato fries. I wasn't going to purge. I wasn't. But I had to go to the bathroom and when I got there I just thought, why not?

Of course last nights incident triggered binging and purging today. Two sessions. And I missed a class because of this. And I had dairy.

I'm picking up my broken pieces now, trying to hold myself together enough to get a bit of work done and then go to gymnastics. I ate dinner - two burritos with veggie ground beef, salsa and lettuce. I didn't want to eat or train tonight, but I know it will put me in a better mindset. I know the effect gymnastics has on my mood, and I need that boost in mood. I also know that I'm very impulsive right now, and gymnastics is a safe outlet for my impulses.

April

It's April, so like at the beginning of most months, I'm going to promise to blog more regularly. Like every month, I'll most likely break this promise, but I wrote myself a little note on my desk to remind myself to blog this month!

It's been almost two weeks since I've written, so it's time for a little update.

I had a bad ankle sprain a week and a half ago, and it's taken me out of the gym which is so damn frustrating, I LOVE being in the gym. I'll be back at it doing some basics on Monday though!

Food wise, things have been going pretty decently. I broke my veganism yesterday/day before on a binge, but that's been my only real lapse since last time I've written. My weight gain is going well, a little too well in my opinion, but I know this is just temporary, gaining muscle and then I can go back to maintaining like I was before. I need to remember that no one is judging more for a 15lbs difference. Especially when it's muscle - it's barely noticeable!

Exam month has officially started, so my exam prep has begun. My concentration has been poor today, but I know it's something I'm going to have to work and push through for the next month. I can do this.


For all the French out there - here's a fish!

Exercise

It was asked on Twitter how one keeps a regular exercise routine with clinical depression. I am by no means an expert at this and have gone months at a time without exercise due to my depression, but overall I seem to be able to manage it. 

One of the great things about exercise is that it can help improve mood in the short term. By no means does it cute depression like some people seem to think it does, but the endorphins do enhance your mood for a little bit. In fact, one of the techniques I use to avoid binging and purging is doing as many push-ups as I can when upset. 

Here are some of the things I do to help get me to exercise. 

Reward yourself for exercise: I have a Netflix show that I only allow myself to watch while on the elliptical. 

Do something fun. Do Zumba in your room or buy a hoola hoop to play around with. 

If you get anxious about going out, don't. Workout at home!

Wake up, drink a coffee and go workout right away before the depression hits you. I find I have half an hour of being okay before my mood sinks. 

Join a class. Then you have a bit of accountability. Even better, join a team. That way you have to go or let the team down. 

Hope some of that helped. 

Drowning

I'm drowning. I only got 60% on a midterm for a course that I've already taken. I'm such a failure. Why can't I be normal. Why did I have to spend a month and a half in the hospital. Why am I so damn stupid??

I want to go to grad school. I want to study algebra. But it's going to be hard to do that if I can barely pass an undergraduate algebra course. I graduate in December and I'm freaking out. My grades aren't going to get me into graduate school.

I wrote another midterm today, and I think it went well. Now I have two assignments due next week. Two classes that I'm a month behind so I need to catch up. My thesis presentation is in 23 days.

I'm on campus now and want to run away. Not just home, to somewhere warm. Somewhere sunny. Somewhere with a grad school that will accept me. Somewhere where I don't need to stress. My anxiety is eating me up. I don't know what to do anymore. How do I get through the next 52 days?