Thinspo: Video

Weekend pass

I got a pass for the weekend,
36 hours of freedom
On my own in the real world
With all the terrors of life
I wish I could say that I was happy
To be out of the hospital for the weekend
But in reality I'm scared
I've been eyeing the razors
On the shelf in my bathroom
And the bottle of pills sitting
At the edge of my desk
I know that hurting myself won't solve anything
But pain keeps me alive

I talked to my therapist yesterday
And we were talking about how
It's true that pain is what
Keeps us all alive
And that's why cutting
And starving and purging works
She said something that surprised me
That she knows all to well
How cutting works
Because she has scars of her own
It made things me feel more comfortable
Talking and being open to her
I've been seeing my therapist for
Three years now and I know
That she had mental health issues
Of her own when she was younger
But something about her making things
As explicit as she did
Really helped me believe
That maybe I can get better

I'm still struggling though
To see the point of it all
The big picture makes everything
Seem so pointless to me
So I'm on my own this weekend
Sitting on my bed which is much more
Welcoming then the stiff hospital mattress
Trying to enjoy the little things
Because the big picture is too
Scary and daunting to me
I'm trying to distract myself
Painting my nails and dying my hair
Alternating between watching the Olympics
And binge watching shows on Netflix

I can't say I've been all good so far
I've already binged and purged
On bread and sweets and some of
My roommates food
But I'm determined to keep myself
Safe tonight and okay tonight
I want to be okay because if I'm not
I can't go on vacation next week
And I really really want to go

The little things

I talked a bit yesterday about how one of my methods to pull myself out of my depression is to focus on the little things. I've made a post like this a bit over a year ago, but I've change a lot, and the little things I find helpful have changed as well.

Little things that remind me why life is good:

- Reading a good book by the water
- Chatting with my siblings
- Finding cool new pants
- Watching gymnastics
- Doing gymnastics
- Solving a difficult math problem
- Dancing
- Watching my siblings grow up
- Picking and eating fresh raspberries
- Coloring
- Kissing my boyfriend
- That feeling when words just spill out
- Stargazing
- Jumping on a trampoline
- Swimming underwater when the world seems to disappear
- Fuzzy blankets on cold days
- Tea, hot chocolate and coffee
- Having beautiful color coded notes
- That feeling when you know you aced an exam
- The repetitive motion of knitting or sewing
- Creating something new
- Listening to your favorite song

why live

Life goes on. And sometimes that's the problem.

I found out that someone in my school program committed suicide. And nothing seems to have changed.

It makes me wonder, if the sun will still rise and the stars will still shine do we really make an impact. I didn't even hear about the death until a few days later. Life kept on going on. I went to meetings, wrote in my journal, did some math. I ate breakfast lunch and dinner. So did everyone else. Life kept on going. The removal of his life had no effect.

But that's such a broad view. If we zoom in, we see that there's more to it than just that. If we zoom in we see the kid's mother and father unable to leave their bed, devastated by the loss of their son. When we zoom in we see the kids friends, who need to take a year off of school to cope. We see an empty bedroom that won't be entered for months.

When we zoom in we see why we need to live.

We live for the little things, and that's okay.

We live for fresh fruit in the summer, and snow angels in the winter
We live for hugs and kisses by our closes friends
We live for our family, our siblings and those who look up to us

I think one of my many struggles, is that I think too broadly. I ask why instead of why not. I try to find purpose in things that don't need purpose. And that's something I really need to work on.

Words of wisdom

I'm feeling quite positive today, which is a nice change in pace. I did a lot of journaling last night and thought through some tough emotions that I was dealing with. When I journal, I like to look up positive quotes and mantras written by others, as they often speak to me deeply.

Today I thought I'd share my favorite words of wisdom with you. I couldn't find the majority of the authors, please let me know if you know any of them so I can update my post.



You're going to survive. No matter how much you think you won't, no matter how much stronger the fight seems than you. You will survive.
- unknown

It's not the future that you're afraid of. It's repeating the past that makes you anxious.
- unknown

Never forget what you are for surely the world will not. Make it your strength. Then it can never be your weakness. Armor yourself in it, and it will never be used to hurt you.
- George R.R. Martin

You survived the trauma, you'll survive the recovery.
- unknown

You are allowed to be both a masterpiece and a work in progress, simultaneously.
- unknown

This is me doing better. I am gasping for breath but I'm no longer on life support.
- unknown

Life isn't fair

I got to leave the hospital for a few hours today, which was quite a nice change in pace. I got some good coffee, chatted with a friend, had a nice hot shower, and packed some extra thinks for my stay.

That was all very nice. The problem arose when I was walking around campus. I got endless glares at my scratched up arms and hospital bracelet. I ran into a few people I knew who were spending their summer doing research, and I had to fake a smile and tell them that I'm taking time to myself to get better, and not that I was forced into hospital after multiple overdoses. I faked a smile when all I wanted to do was cry and scream about the unjust world.

Even my taxi driver was an idiot. I asked him to pick me up from campus and take me to the psych hospital. I have a hospital bracelet on my wrist. He decided that it was appropriate to ask why my arms where so scratched up.

To make things worse, I got an email from my perfect aunt, who has a perfect kid, saying she was sorry to hear I was in hospital. I understand that she's my dad's sister, and my dad wanted to share, but it sucks. Her son has been extremely fortunate with his health, and summer opportunities and I'm here sitting in a psych ward.

I know the world isn't fair. I know I shouldn't expect it to be. But I just hate that it's not.

Between a rock and a hard place

I feel a bit stuck with my recovery right now. I know I need to be in hospital. All I can think of doing when I leave these grounds is overdosing. But at the same time, I need meal support. I need to not be in an environment where purging every meal is so damn easy. I need to be in an environment where I have motivation to eat and not purge. Where my livelihood depends on it. And here, it just doesn't matter.

It's a really a shame that I'm put in this situation. That the acute mental health program isn't able to provide me with the meal support that I need. It's becoming more and more obvious with my time here that I do need to do an eating disorder program - either a day hospital or inpatient treatment. But I just don't feel ready to admit that I need to gain weight or eat more.

A few things have really triggered me lately. Talks of vegan, keto, and low calorie diets have really made me regress into restriction. The biggest problem is though, I just don't care. I don't. I really wish I did. I really wish that I wanted to embrace life and get better. But.. I just don't right now. And I don't know when I will.