Clean again

Yesterday was tough. I had to get back on track after binging and purging Wednesday. But I did it!

I had to do a lot of thought records and use my CBT journal to convince myself that one bad day doesn't mean I should give up on my goal of being clean.

The day was okay, but the evening was tough. Thankfully my boyfriend was over so I had a 'babysitter'. I was up until midnight studying, and it's always the late nights that get me. When I'm up late studying I get so stressed over everything I have to do and it's just so overwhelming. The purging high gives me a little boost to keep on studying, and I didn't have that last night. I wanted to stay up a bit later and finish another set of notes, but it wasn't realistic, so I went to bed.

I'm going to a "stitch and bitch" gathering tonight, and I hope this encourages me to get back into knitting. I'd love to knit some Christmas presents, and it's such a wonderful coping mechanism as it keeps my hands busy. Watching a movie and knitting is such a relaxing way to spend an evening but I often feel guilty for taking that time off of studying. But realistically, I need study breaks and that's a good way to take one.

My weight has gone up a couple pounds, and I'm pretty upset about it, but I need to remind myself that a few pounds is a normal fluctuation and that I didn't gain any fat. My body is just adjusting to keeping food down, and learning to digest food properly again.

I'm going to be okay.

A couple pounds doesn't make me fat.

What I ate Wednesday

I feel as though I've let you guys down. I made a promise that I was going to be clean, that I was going to get better.

I've let myself down.

I binged and purged twice yesterday.

I'm getting back on track today, but I'm really upset that this isn't day three of being clean. I'm starting back at day 1. But I'm not going to stop trying.


Intake:

• 1c cereal
• 1/2c milk
• 1 protein pancake
• 5ish tbsp nutella
• b/p
• 1c oatmeal
• 1 scoop protein powder
• 1/2 frozen pizza
• b/p

Clean: day 2

Once again, a day where I didn't binge and purge.

It's been a while since I've had two clean days in a row, but this is what hard work, dedication, and a shit tonne of support can do. I'm so grateful for my boyfriend who has been letting me sleep over at his house.

It was a tough day, I'm not going to lie. I got a test back and received 31% so I was really wanting to binge and purge. I went home instead and talked it out with my roommate.

I also went to a symposium on female athlete triad. There was a lot that I didn't know and it was really interesting, but also quite upsetting, as I have a lot of the symptoms and didn't realize. It's tough coming to terms that maybe I have more symptoms than I thought. Yes binging and purging is my main problem, but do I have problems with exercise as well? I never thought so because it's such a positive experience for me, but I also will compensate with exercise. I definitely need to focus on the binging and purging first, and if exercise helps me get through it, then I will use it as a coping mechanism. Once the binging and purging is under control I'll tackle my thoughts surrounding exercise.

I also had a really good chat with my mom in the evening. I told her how I failed my test and how the thoughts were very overwhelming. She calmed me down and reminded me that the test won't affect my grade (my prof offers a 100% final). I also came clean to her about how bad my bulimia had gotten, and how hard it was to turn things around. I told her about how it felt as though I was in withdrawal and how hard it was to function. Again, she was extremely supportive. I've never confided that much in my mom so it felt really good to do so.

Clean: day 1

I'd say it's day one of recovery if I was fully committed to eating fear foods, gaining weight, etcetera. But I'm not. Im simply determined to stop binging and purging. If this means I need to maintain my weight for a bit then so be it. Ideally though, once I'm clean for a bit I'll go back to trying to lose.

Today was hard. The second my roommate left for her afternoon class the binge urges hit. I ended up barricading myself in my room watching Netflix until she came home. Once she was home I told her not to let me out of the house. I couldn't do anything. I felt like I was in withdrawal. I was shaking, anxious, tired but couldn't sleep, and unable to focus. I had two protein bars before gymnastics and had a light practice. I got dropped off at my boyfriend's so that I can essentially be babysat all night. I gave him my wallet so that I can't buy any food tomorrow until after class, when I'll get my daily clif bar after tutoring.

All I'm hoping for at this point is that tomorrow is easier. All I want to do is binge and purge. The urges are so so high. But I must power through them.

Trying

Trying is really fucking hard.

I decided to try this week. I spent a few hours last night cooking meals for the next seven days. I have stacked containers in my fridge filled with breakfasts, lunches, dinners and snacks. I'm going to do it this week.

I'm sick of being sick, and tired of being tired.

No one said it would be easy. But no one said it would be this fucking hard either.

I spent an hour lying in bed literally shaking not knowing what to do with myself when I wanted to binge and purge. I'm now groggy on ativan and still want to binge and purge.

But I can't. My roommate is my accountability.

The thing is, I don't even want to binge and purge. But I need to. I crave the endorphin rush that comes with the large intake of sugar, and the dopamine rush after the purge. I don't know what else to do with myself. My back is sore from carrying these emotions around instead of flushing them down the toilet.

Why is this so god damn hard.

Midterm

I failed my first midterm on Thursday. I haven't gotten my score back yet, but I didn't answer enough questions properly to pass.

I was devastated. I spent Thursday evening binging and purging, and then sobbing into my boyfriend's shoulder.

I wanted to drop the course. I wanted to drop everything and get a 9-5 job that doesn't require a university degree. But that's not what I really want.

I really want to get an A in this class. And with the option of a 100% final, I can still achieve this. I can't spend my time sulking - I need to start studying seriously. I'm in control of how my future pans out and I'm going to make sure it pans out the way I want it to.

What I ate Wednesday

As I work on quitting binging and purging, my therapist encouraged me to go back to keeping a journal to keep myself accountable for what I'm eating, and how often I'm binging and purging.

I thought I'd share my food journal with you every Wednesday.

So, yesterday I ate:

• 1c yogurt and berries
• 1 clif bar
• Diet hot chocolate and a candy cane
• 1/2 cup egg whites with 1 tbsp pesto
• 1 grande skinny mocha
• 4 vector protein bars
• NO BINGES OR PURGES!!!

All of this came to about 1600 calories. I'd like to point out that I LOST on this many calories. I'm currently trying to maintain, and I wanted to point out how many calories your body requires.